Calvin & Hobbes: The Series SEASON ONE
by Swing123
Summary: Co written with Garfieldodie. The Calvin and Hobbes television show. Twenty episodes to a season. Includes holiday specials, TV movies, and a dramatic season finale! PLEASE R&R! SEASON ONE COMPLETE!
1. Birth of a Friendship

**Summary: **The story of how Calvin first sets up the trap, and meets Hobbes the tiger.

* * *

**THE CALVIN AND HOBBES THEME SONG!**

Calvin tap dances over to a CD player, and hits play.

_Ladies and Gentlemen, Calvin and Hobbes!_

_OH! OHHH! OHHHHHH!_

_WHO HAS THE GRAND SENSE OF AD-VEN-TUUUURRE?_

_CAL-VIN AND HOBBES!_

_WITH A CARDBOARD BOX WITH A TIME SEN-SOR?_

_CAL-VIN AND HOBBES!_

_A VIVID IMAGINATION THAT'S A MAGNET FOR TROUBLE?_

_CAL-VIN AND HOBBES!_

_GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE AND PRAISE THEM ON THE DOUBLE!_

_CAL-VIN AND HOBBES!_

_READY?_

_CAL-VIN AND HOBBES!_

_CAL-VIN AND HOBBES!_

_CAL-VIN AND HOBBES!_

_CAL-**VIN** AND HO-O-O-O-O-O-OBBES!_

_**CALVIN AND HOBBES!**_

Calvin and Hobbes rush past the TV screen, laughing. One last crash of cymbals, and words _created by Bill Watterson_ come on in red Calvin and Hobbes font.

_Calvin and Hobbes: The Series, will be right back._

(No, I'm not doing any annoying commercials)

_Now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series._

**Birth of a Friendship**

A small boy that looked no older than six stands under the shade of a big cottonwood tree.

He was wearing a shirt that was a bright red with black stripes running across it. He had red sneakers, black sweat pants, and blond hair, that stood up into small spikes. No one knows why his hair does that. Is it static electricity? Is it hair gel? No, probably not.

He studied the cottonwood.

It had a perfectly thick trunk, with long stout limbs, and lots of green leaves.

The boy grinned at the tree, and ran back to a small house.

He opened the door, and turned to a tall woman with brown hair, who appeared to be fixing dinner.

"Mom, Can I have a tuna fish sandwich?" Asked the boy.

Mom turned, and stared at the boy.

"Calvin, you hate tuna fish." She said.

"It's not for _me_." Said Calvin. "I'm gonna rig a tuna fish sandwich under that cottonwood, and catch a tiger!"

"Calvin, I don't want you wasting any tuna, that stuff's expensive." Said Mom.

"Dad's got a job! We can afford the loss of a few bits of fish!"

"Forget it, Calvin." Said Mom, turning back to her cooking.

Calvin curled his lip at mom, and ran outside.

Once there, he pulled out a couple of dollars, and ran over to a buck-toothed kid who was passing.

"Hey, bucky." Said Calvin. "I'll pay you 2 bucks to go and call the number 555-7486."

The buck-toothed kid stared at Calvin, shrugged, took the money, and ran off.

Calvin chuckled, and ran back into the house.

Mom continued her cooking.

Calvin sat down on the floor, and waited.

After a few minutes, the phone rang.

"Oh, boy." Sighed Mom, leaving her cooking, and walking over to the livingroom where the phone was.

As soon, as Mom was out of sight, Calvin jumped up, and opened the refrigerator.

He took a small bowl, and opened it.

Then in the livingroom, Calvin heard Mom say "hello?"

Calvin grabbed the bread, and started slapping the tuna onto it.

Calvin heard Mom say, "He told you to _what_!", and started to go faster.

He shoved the tuna back into the fridge, and hid the sandwich behind his back, as Mom came storming back into the kitchen.

"Outside! Now! And quit telling kids to call the house! I'm very busy, right now!"

"Yes, Mom." Said Calvin, slipping outside.

Calvin took a piece of rope, tied it into a loop, and tied the other end to the tree limb. He put the tuna fish sandwich in the loop, and then tiptoed away.

The next day was a Saturday, and Calvin was going to check his trap.

On the way, he saw a tall balding man washing the car.

"So long, Dad, I'm off to check my tiger trap." Calvin said.

Dad looked up.

"Hmmm?" He asked.

"I rigged a tuna fish sandwich, yesterday, and I'm sure to have caught a tiger by _now_!"

"Tiger's like tuna fish, huh?" Said Dad, turning back to his job.

"Yup." Said Calvin. "Tigers'll do almost _anything_ for a tuna sandwich."

And then Calvin heard a voice on top of the hill.

"We're kinda stupid like that."

Calvin's eyes popped open, and he raced up on top of the hill.

There, he saw a tiger hanging upside down from his foot, and swinging slowly back and forth on the rope, munching on the tuna sandwich.

"I caught one!" Said Calvin. "I really caught one! COOL!"

"That's great." Said the tiger. "But could you untie me? This rope is breaking off the circulation to foot."

"Sure." Said Calvin.

He pulled a dart gun out of his pocket.

"I can shoot you down. I'm an excellent aim."

Calvin pulled the trigger, and a dart popped the tiger on the nose.

"Oops. I mean, I meant to do that." He grinned sheepishly, as the tiger pulled the dart off his nose.

"I'll just go get one of my mom's kitchen knifes."

The tiger's eyes widened.

"Actually," Said the tiger. "I think _I_ can do it."

The tiger extended a claw, and cut the rope on his own.

He fell to the ground.

Calvin rubbed his chin.

"Let's see, what do you do with a tiger when you catch one?"

"Well," Said the tiger. "My Uncle was caught, and then took up a job in circus work."

Calvin thought.

"Well, while I'm thinking about what to do with you, lets go down to my place and show you around."

"How thrilling." Said the tiger, standing up on its front legs.

Down at Calvin's house, Calvin walked up to his Dad, who was now paying some bills.

"Dad, what should I do when I catch a tiger?"

Dad rolled his eyes.

"Bring it home and stuff it, Calvin. Can't you see I'm busy?"

Calvin rolled his eyes, and walked over to the refrigerator.

He pulled out eight sodas, nine cook-them-yourself pizzas, fourteen hotdogs, and etc.

After about a few minutes, the fridge was half empty with the tiger munching down on a hotdog.

"So do you have a name?" Asked Calvin, fishing through the fridge.

"Yes, I would suppose so."

There was a moment of silence.

"Well, what is it?" Asked Calvin.

The tiger took a deep breath in, and then said, very quickly "The Ultimate and Most Powerful Predator on the Planet Earth, with Razor Sharp Teeth, Deadly Claws, and Urge to Kill Stuff, and Also Has Opposable Thumbs, and is Able to Stand Up On Two Legs." Then took a breath in.

Calvin pulled his head out of the fridge and stared at him.

"_What?_" He asked.

"Or just 'Hobbes' for short." Finished the tiger.

"Hobbes, Huh." Said Calvin thinking about the name. "Interesting name for a tiger."

"Yes, well, that's just my nickname. My _real_ name is The Ultimate and Most..."

"Ok, ok!" Said Calvin holding his hand up. "You want another Sandwich?"

"No, no. I couldn't hold another bite." Said Hobbes, throwing a hotdog over his shoulder.

"Ok, so now what do you want to do?" Asked Calvin, throwing the fridge door shut.

"What do you usually do?"

"Nothing." Sighed Calvin. "My life has just been one big bore from the beginning."

Hobbes blinked.

"Have you ever rode in a helicopter before?" He asked.

Calvin looked up. "No."

"Would you like to?" Asked Hobbes.

"Of corse, who wouldn't. Why?"

"Just wondering." Said Hobbes.

Calvin sniffed.

There was a moment of silence, then, "I have a helicopter outside."

Calvin stared at him.

"No, you don't." He said.

"Yes, I do."

"No, you don't"

"Yes, I do."

"No, you don't"

"Yes, I do."

"No, you don't"

"Yes, I do."

"No, you don't"

"Um...No, I don't."

"Yes, you do."

"No, I don't."

"You _DO_"

"Ok, you win." Said Hobbes. "You want to see it?"

"Do I ever!" Calvin ran outside with Hobbes.

There they saw... "But that's just a car." Said Calvin, pointing at it.

"Use your imagination." Said Hobbes.

"You can't make something look different with your mind, Hobbes."

"Try it." Hobbes said.

Calvin sighed. "Fine, I'll try it."

Calvin focused his eyes on the car.

To his surprise, it began to take on the shape of a... Calvin hopped into the driver's seat next to Hobbes.

"Tower, this is Calvin1, come in." Calvin said into car radio.

Hobbes grinned.

Calvin's imagination then put in a voice coming out of the radio.

"This is tower, are you ready for lift off, Calvin1?"

"Check." Said Calvin, pushing the gearshift.

Just then, the propellers started to make a wrapping sound, and Calvin felt himself lift off the ground.

Calvin looked out the window.

"Enemy pilot at 2:00." He said.

Hobbes looked at his watch.

"Roger, what should we do until then?" Calvin stared at him.

"What?" "It's only 1:30." Said Hobbes.

"That's not what I meant."

Calvin and Hobbes played in the "helicopter" until Dad told them to get out, then it was to bed.

Hobbes watched Calvin climb the stairs to his room, then he turned and walked out the door.

Calvin turned around.

"Hey! Where are _you_ going?" He asked.

"No where." Said Hobbes.

"What do you mean, no where?" Asked Calvin, coming back down the stairs. "Don't you have a home?"

"Not really." Said Hobbes. "I'm just a kind of wanderer. Or whatever you call those people."

Calvin blinked. "You don't have a home? Why that's... That' terrible!"

"You get used to it after a while." Said Hobbes. "It's a life style."

There was a moment of silence.

"Why don't you live here?" Asked Calvin.

"No, I can't I'll be a burden." Said Hobbes dramatically.

"Oh, shut up with the drama. Your living here, and that's final!"

"Ok." Said Hobbes leaping into Calvin's hands.

"Get off of me!" Spat Calvin.

"Ok." Said Hobbes crawling off Calvin.

"Now lets go to bed." Said Calvin.

"Agreed, oh and Calvin?"

"Yes?"

"Would you consider this as a friendship?"

"Of corse." Said Calvin.

Hobbes smiled, and walked up the stairs with his new friend.

_**THE END**_

_Swing123: The next one will be better. This was just a starter upper that kicked the series off. The next one will be longer, funnier, and Calvin and Hobbes-ier. Stay tuned.

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_

**VOICE WORK:**

**Pamela Segal:** Calvin

**Tom Hanks:** Hobbes

**Tom Kenny:** "Bucky"

**Jennifer Love Hewitt:** Mom

**Bill Murray:** Dad

**Dee Bradley Baker:** Miscellaneous voice work

* * *

**Coming up Next: **The Photo Man 


	2. The Photo Man

**Summary: **Mom buys Calvin a camera. What happens? One can guess...

* * *

_And now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series._

**The Photo Man**

Snow dropped steadily down to the ground. Trees were covered in white, sticky, wet snow. If you looked off into the distance, you would see tiny bits of snow floating to the ground against a background of white.

Everything was so quiet... For the moment.

Footprints in the snow led up to a short boy called Calvin. Calvin stood over a mass of snowmen.

Calvin, in all the ice and snow, wasn't wearing his usual outfit of red T-shirt, black pants, or red sneakers. Today, in this wintery scene, Calvin wore a red winter hat with a white puff on top, a buttoned up blue jacket, silver winter gloves, shiny black snow boots, and navy blue snow pants.

It had been seven months since Calvin had caught Hobbes on that hot July day.

And now, in early March, Calvin decided to celebrate the coming of spring (even though it didn't look like it), by making some disfigured Snowmen, each one holding a picket sign saying, "THE END IS NEAR!" or "SPRING IS COMING!"

Hobbes, Calvin's faithful tiger friend, walked out of the house, wearing a red scarf, and trudged through the snow over to where Calvin was standing.

"This doesn't look much like spring coming, Calvin." Hobbes said looking around the snowy setting.

"That doesn't matter," Calvin said, rolling up another snowman. "I don't plan on displaying these to the general public until all the snow's melted."

Hobbes stared at him.

"But when _that_ happens, the snowmen will have melted." He said.

"That's where _this_ comes in." Replied Calvin holding up the hose.

Hobbes rolled his eyes as Calvin sprayed the snowmen with the icy blue water.

SSSSSSSSSSS!

Calvin sprayed the signs, the faces, the bodies, the arms, and a small area of snow around them.

Then, he dropped the hose, and walked away, returning moments later with a green tarp that was in the tool shed.

Calvin explained on how he would throw the tarp over the snowmen until spring.

"Your just gonna leave 'em there?" Hobbes asked.

"Heck, no!" Calvin laughed. "your gonna help me heave these frozen statues onto the wagon to a safe place."

"I am?" Hobbes asked.

Calvin ignored him.

"We'll put it in the garage for the rest of the winter." Said Calvin.

"Calvin, snow like that won't come off the ground without breaking." Said Hobbes.

Calvin stared at him.

"Hobbes, it's _snow_. How heavy can it be?" He said.

"Calvin," Hobbes said. "Lets put this into perspective. One book with about 50 pages is light. Fifteen thousand books, each with 50 pages, are impossible to pick up. It took a lot of snowflakes to build those four snowmen."

Calvin stared at Hobbes in disbelief. "You're comparing my snowmen to books? You're crazy. Go get the wagon."

Hobbes sighed, and walked away to get the wagon.

Moments later, he returned with the wagon in tow.

"Now, help me." Said Calvin.

Calvin and Hobbes both tugged at the frozen snow.

It didn't budge.

"...pull... harder..." Calvin wheezed.

Calvin and Hobbes grunted and groaned as they attempted to yank the snowmen away from mother Earth.

Hobbes' eyes crossed, and Calvin's arms ached.

But then, they heard a loud CRUNCH!

"Good." Said Calvin, keeping his eyes closed. "Now put in the wagon."

"Calvin, open your eyes." Said Hobbes.

Calvin opened his eyes.

Oops.

Calvin had pulled it in half.

"Place it carefully back down." Said Calvin.

The two lowered the snowmen half back onto the other half.

Then Calvin sprayed it with the hose again, and "glued" it back on.

"Well," Said Hobbes. "That won't work. Lets go watch TV."

"Not so fast!" Calvin said, holding up an arm. "Little old Calvin has many tricks up his sleeve!"

"E-gad!" Said Hobbes. "Did you just talk in a fourth person?"

Calvin ignored him.

"C'mere, Hobbes," He said. "I wanna show you something."

Calvin started to walk away when the mailman drove up to Calvin's house.

The mailman, dressed up for winter got out, and carried a package over to the house.

Calvin and Hobbes watched him. The mailman rung the doorbell, and Mom answered.

Calvin and Hobbes couldn't hear anything they were saying, but they saw mom take the small box, sign one of those papers mailmen give to you to sign for some reason, then they went their separate ways.

"Shall we?" Asked Calvin.

"Even if I said 'no' you'd still do it." Said Hobbes.

"Correct." Said Calvin running off.

Calvin burst through the doors and screamed, "WHAT IS IT! I DEMAND TO KNOW!"

Mom gave him a grin.

"I bought you a camera." She said.

Calvin's eyes widened.

"REALLY? A CAMERA! COOL!"

Calvin started jumping up and down as Mom cut the strings on the box off.

Calvin grabbed the box, and started tearing into it.

"Be careful with it." Said Mom. "It's very fragile."

Calvin ignored her, and pulled the camera out.

"WOW!" He said, holding it up. "This is cool!"

Yes, it was quite the camera. It had a Sony logo on it, a bunch a little buttons that Calvin didn't want to look at right now, a wonderful camera lens that had zoom in and out features, and a bright silver style.

Calvin and Hobbes ran outside with it.

"Hobbes stand on your head and bug your eyes out!"

Hobbes stood on his head and made a face.

CLICK.

Calvin and Hobbes watch the picture slip out of the camera, then they laughed.

"Wait!" Said Calvin. "I have another idea!"

Calvin and Hobbes raced down the sidewalk.

"With this camera, we can SPY on people!" Said Calvin.

"How so?" Asked Hobbes.

"Listen to this." Calvin whispered. "If we can somehow make it so these things sense movement and such, we could make it so that we can SPY on some of the people on this block.

"How are you going to do that?" Asked Hobbes.

"If I can invent a time machine and duplicator, I can make a motion sensor, can't I?"

"One would suppose so." Said Hobbes.

Calvin worked for weeks on his motion sensor. By the time he had finished it, the snow had all melted, and spring was here.

"So how'd you do it?" Asked Hobbes.

"Well, Dad showed me a timer on the thing. I can make it so it takes a picture at particular time, but I can't do anything else with it."

"Huh." Said Hobbes. "You spent three months trying to master a timer?"

Calvin ignored him.

"Come on." He said. Calvin and Hobbes rushed over to Susie's house.

Calvin took out the camera and said, "Susie's usually over here playing at two o'clock, so I'll just set it to go off then and then for 2:05 and 2:10 and..."

"Why do you want to take pictures of Susie playing?" Asked Hobbes.

"Because there's a chance we could use it as evidence if we ever sue her, now move."

Hobbes, trying to figure out what Calvin had just said, moved so Calvin could plant the camera in a bush next to the sidewalk.

After Calvin had planted it, they both ran away, back to their house.

Sure enough, when Calvin looked out the window of his house, next, he saw Susie playing on the sidewalk with her dolls.

"This will be perfect, Hobbes." Calvin said. "Slimy girls in their natural habitat. This will go straight into the G.R.O.S.S. database so we'll know what we'll be facing in the future."

"Mmmmm." Said Hobbes, not looking up from his comic book.

"Give me that!" Calvin said, swiping the book away from Hobbes.

By 3:00, Susie had went in.

"Ok," Said Calvin, walking over to the bush. "Prepare for the ultimate spy picture."

Calvin held up the pictures.

"Ah, yes." Said Hobbes, as Calvin's face fell. "The all mighty spy-on-a-bush technique."

All the pictures were of the same thing: bush branches and leaves.

"Ok, so maybe I put the camera to far into the bush!" Said Calvin. "There's always tomorrow.

The next day, Calvin took a rope and hung the camera from a tree.

Calvin just got upside down pictures of birds.

Next, Calvin placed it atop Susie's house.

He got only a bunch of tree leaves since a tree was a few feet away from the spot Calvin put it.

It went on like this for days.

Until, finally, Calvin got sick of it.

Calvin had finally decided that the only way he could spy on Susie, was if he did it on his own.

It all started in July.

Calvin had had the camera for four months now, and so far he had taken up three bits of film on trees and bushes.

It was 1:00 in the morning.

Calvin seemed to be asleep.

Until, that is, that his eyes popped open, and he grinned.

He sat up, and nudged at Hobbes.

Hobbes snorted and snored.

"Zzzz... why yes I would love some... zzzzz... cookies. Back the truck up into my garage... Zzzzz... I'll go get my...zzzz... slave... Oh Calvin?"

Calvin's eyes bulged.

Was _this_ what Hobbes dreamt about at night?

"Wake up fuzz ball!" Calvin spat.

Hobbes' eyes drifted open.

"Tuna?" He muttered.

"**_WAKE UP!_**"

Hobbes jumped.

"CALVIN! Its one in the morning!"

"We must prepare!" Calvin said. "Now shut up, and get up."

Calvin and Hobbes spent the next few hours doing completely useless things to prepare for their spying operation. First, they had to make a secret code, then they had to get walkie talkies, then they had to memorize the secret code, then they had to sit around thinking about what to do next, so they made paper hats for OPERATION SPY ON THE SLIMY GIRL.

By 1:45PM, they had completely done all their useless unrequirements.

Calvin stood behind the tree by the sidewalk.

"Fanged Terror?" Calvin whispered into the Walkie Talkie. "Ging the flopping ping dong with extra mayo and 4,001."

"Are we talking in secret code?" Asked Hobbes' voice.

"Yes!" Spat Calvin.

"OH, ok. Ten thousand teddy bears brush their teeth with apple sauce."

Calvin blinked.

"Peanut butter sandwiches. Are slightly higher west of Mount Rushmore."

Over the crackle of the radio, Hobbes' reply came.

"If you took the 'cat' out of 'catastrophe' the motor won't start without peanut butter."

Calvin chuckled at that statement.

"Heh, heh, Zebras wear pajamas, but you couldn't spot a leopard with a spy glass!" He said.

"There are no pully bones in a chicken sandwich." Hobbes argued.

Calvin sighed, and shook his head.

"When the sun rises in the morning in the east, the biscuits rise in the oven in the yeast!" He clashed.

Hobbes answered, sounding a little irritated. "Mumbo Jumbo!"

"Jumbo Mumbo!" Calvin shot back.

"Mumbo hocus-pocus!" Spat Hobbes.

"What happened to Jumbo?" Asked Calvin.

"Jumbo hocus-pocus!" Said Hobbes.

"Wait... sshhhh! Susie's coming outside."

"I thought we were speaking in code." Said Hobbes' voice. "And I was having a lovely conversation."

"Shut up!" Spat Calvin.

Calvin watched Susie walk outside with her doll set.

Calvin pulled out his camera.

"Code yellow." Calvin whispered.

Calvin saw Hobbes climb down from a tree behind Susie.

Calvin chuckled.

Susie was right where he wanted her.

Calvin took a picture of Susie's doll.

"_Perfect for advertising._" He thought.

Then Calvin took a picture of Susie setting the dolls up at the table.

"_Excellent example of a slimy girl's behavior in the wild!_" Calvin thought.

Hobbes was sitting on Calvin's front porch, rolling his eyes, and reading a comic book.

Calvin ignored him.

Calvin took out a notepad, and wrote,

_Bred in the wild, this strange creature known to us only as the girl performs a strange ritual! She appears to be sacrificing a doll to their god, Sli-me_

Calvin continued to write down nonsense, while taking pictures of several activities that Susie was doing.

Hobbes was now eating a peanut butter and honey sandwich while continuing to watch Calvin act like an idiot.

At last, Calvin was about to wrap it up because he was so bored, but just then, he saw something.

There was a spider on his notepad!

"Shoo!" Calvin whispered. "Go sit on a tuffet, or something! Go bother Little Miss Muffet!"

The spider didn't move.

Calvin glared at the spider.

"Why don't you go bother Susie? She'd respect you!"

Mr Spider just stared at Calvin.

Calvin leaned his head over, and attempted to blow the spider off the notepad.

He hung on.

"You dumb insect! MOVE!"

The spider tilted its head, and didn't budge.

"You better leave!" Calvin said. "Or I'll get my Dad's shampoo!"

Susie looked up.

Calvin didn't notice.

"How am I supposed to spy on the wildlife with THIS THING on my observation pad!"

The spider opened its pinchers up as if it was yawning.

Susie had gotton up, and was stalking for Calvin.

Calvin still didn't notice.

"Ok, buddy! You asked for it!" Calvin raised his foot, but just then, Calvin heard something.

He turned around.

"GEEEYAAAAAHHH!"

Susie was ripping up the pictures, and kicking the camera that was on the ground.

"NO! STOP! HELP!" Calvin rushed over to Susie and... Well, she was pretty fast, and could corner on a dime and uh... She somehow reached Calvin's notes, shooed the spider away, then ripped up his notes.

Calvin ignored the notes.

He was too busy fretting over the camera.

Hobbes walked up.

"I can't believe she did that!" Calvin yelled, as Susie glared at him, and walked away.

"Well, she is pretty private about her alone plays." Said Hobbes.

"How do you know that?" Asked Calvin holding up his broken camera.

"Well, for one thing she destroyed your camera." Said Hobbes. "And when someone destroys your thing before you do, that would be a little suspicious."

Calvin glared at him.

"How could anyone stand doing this?" He said, ignoring Hobbes.

"Well, Calvin, I hate to stop your mourning, but there's only ten more seconds in this episode."

Calvin turned to the television camera.

"Shall we end it off interestingly?" Asked Calvin.

"Lets." Siad Hobbes. Calvin and Hobbes rushed off screen, returning wearing top hats, and holding canes.

They started tap dancing around the yard.

Afterward, they went back into the house, looking for another insane adventure.

**The End**

_Swing123: Probably not the best, but then again, not all that bad... right? tell me what you think. The_ World's Greatest Calvin _episode is coming up!

* * *

_

**Voice Work:**

**Pamela Segal:** Calvin

**Tom Hanks:** Hobbes

**Dakota Fanning:** Susie

**Jennifer Love Hewitt:** Mom

**Dee Bradley Baker:** Miscellaneous voice work

* * *

**Coming up next: **The World's Greatest Calvin 


	3. World's Greatest Calvin

**Summary: **Calvin tries to make a World Record. Can he do it? Read to find out! Don't expect _me _to tell you!

* * *

_And now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series_

**The World's Greatest Calvin**

Calvin and Hobbes were watching _The Ultimate Record_ on TV.

Calvin seemed to enjoy it greatly.

They showed people from all over the world who had done something to make a world record.

When it was done, Calvin sighed.

"Wow. I wish **_I_** could do stuff like that."

"Mmm." Hobbes replied. "Why would you? Those people are just dummies that are so desperate to get on TV, that they'll tug at their ear lobes until they stretch four feet, or that they'll hit the back of their heads long enough until their eyes literally pop out of their sockets."

"Nothing physical!" Calvin yelled. "But something like a collection or a best-at-this thing. Like that."

"Mmm." Said Hobbes, picking up a comic book.

"Tomorrow," Calvin said, "I'm going to be best at _everything_!"

And that's just want he did.

Early the next morning, Calvin got up, and jogged around the block with Dad.

On the way, Dad was huffing and puffing.

"I'm happy, you decided to come with me!" He puffed. "Jogging is an excellent source of physical activ..."

"Shut up!" Huffed Calvin. "I'm only doing this for TV!"

When he got home, Calvin woke Hobbes up, and insisted that they start playing Basketball.

Dad happily put up the hoop, telling how happy he was that Calvin was getting outside for once instead of watching TV.

Calvin and Hobbes ignored him, as they attempted to shoot some hoops.

Calvin looked up, and saw Hobbes blocking the hoop, as Calvin attempted to dribble the ball across the driveway.

Calvin started running back and forth trying to confuse Hobbes.

Hobbes simply swayed back and forth with Calvin, not missing a beat as Calvin turned directions.

Calvin shot the ball into the air. Hobbes watched it go over his head, and... Well, it more or less bounced off the rim of the hoop.

Calvin was terrible at Basketball. So, they tried out baseball.

Hobbes pitched the ball, and it went over Calvin's head.

"YOU DUMBBELL! YOU THREW IT TO HIGH!"

"It was a perfect pitch." Said Hobbes. "Your just to short."

Calvin and Hobbes fought for five minutes, until Hobbes just set Calvin on a step ladder.

Hobbes pitched the ball again.

WHACK!

Whoops.

Hobbes aimed a little high, and kinda... um... Smaked Calvin in the head.

So, then, when Calvin regained consciousness, they ran over to the park to try out football.

Calvin was doing a pretty good job... until the football crashed into Calvin's ankle and he had to be rushed to an ice pack. After that, Calvin and Hobbes tried out racing each other.

Calvin and Hobbes raced all around town, trying to beat each other.

They zoomed past the bakery. They flew down Main street. They bolted down the isles at the grocery store. They ran through the allies. They raced through _Crazy Mike's Video_. They climbed up on top of a roof, and raced off.

Calvin felt his legs give way, and he crashed to the ground.

Hobbes kept running.

Hobbes won.

Calvin got back up, and gasped "aren't I good at anything!"

They tried everything that had to do with sports, but Calvin couldn't do it.

Hobbes on the other hand seemed quite successful.

So, Calvin decided he wanted to beat someone a collection.

"The current marble collection record is at about ten million." Said Hobbes flipping through the _Guinness World Record 2006_ book.

"Piece of cake!" Calvin laughed. "Mom, I'm starting a marble collection. Where can I get some?"

"The dollar store sells them with 100 marbles in each package." Said Mom.

"Bingo." Said Calvin.

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

Back at the dollar store, Calvin and Hobbes were counting how much money they had.

"I have about eight bucks." Said Calvin.

"Lucky you." Said Hobbes holding up some quarters. "I have about two dollars and twenty five cents."

"Great," Said Calvin grabbing some marble bags. "That gets us up to a thousand marbles. Great start."

Calvin paid for the marbles, and they walked outside.

"Of corse, this leaves you penniless." Said Hobbes.

"Oh shut up." Said Calvin. "When I make eleven thousand marbles I'll have the prize money."

"They give away prize money?" Asked Hobbes, blinking.

"shut up!" Calvin spat.

Back at home, Calvin was putting the marbles in a large box.

Hobbes walked up just then.

"So what are you going to do, to get more money for marbles?" Asked Hobbes.

"I might try begging." Said Calvin.

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

Later that day, Calvin asked Dad about marbles.

"Why yes, I did have a marble collection when I was your age, Calvin!" Laughed Dad. "I'm so happy to hear your finally..."

"Just get it!" Calvin sighed.

Dad, looking annoyed, led Calvin up the stairs into the attic.

"I used my marbles for all sorts of games." Dad droned on talking about games and explaining on how Calvin could play them. "...It's stuff like this that really builds your character, Calvin! Why, when I was your age..."

Calvin however, was not listening.

The darkness and spookiness in the attic had caused Calvin to float off into laa laa land.

"_A vicious Velociraptor stalks a stupid, boring Protoceratops, who at the moment is trying to bore himself to death by giving himself a lecture on the future invention of marbles!_"

Dad held a jar filled with marbles up.

"...Some of these I collected in college when I was studying to be lawyer. See, _this_ one is made of a type of material that American Indians used to..."

"THE VELOCIRAPTOR LEAPS THROUGH THE AIR!" Calvin screamed, as he jumped on top of his dad, and began chewing on his neck.

The next thing Calvin knew, He was laying face down on the carpet in his room, and Dad was screaming in his ears to never jump him, again.

The door slammed, and Calvin was left on the ground with Hobbes continuing to read his comic book.

"There, there, Calvin." Hobbes said. "I'm sure you can break the record for the longest skid mark made by a face in a six-year old's room."

"The _Velociraptor _will soon have his revenge on the stupid saber tooth tiger, and the idiot Protoceratops!" Calvin muttered.

The next day, Calvin had decided to give up the idea of a marble collection.

"Well," Hobbes said. "I guess all you can do now to break a record is to make an obstacle course."

Immediately, Hobbes slapped his mouth as if he could not believe he had just said that.

"Great idea, Hobbes!" Calvin thought out loud.

"I was kidding." Hobbes said quickly, but Calvin was already running for the house.

Calvin spent the next few hours planing for his obstacle course.

He took a piece of paper, and colored it blue to make it look like blueprints.

Then he started making it. First, Calvin took a load of bricks, and placed them all around the Calvinball field.

Then he took some chalk, and drew a humongous maze on the bricks.

When he was done, he had made the first part.

Next, Calvin broke a limb off a tree, and placed it over the creek.

Then, he took a handkerchief, and marked the next part.

After the next few hours, the obstacle course was complete.

"Ok." Said Calvin to Hobbes. "Here's how it works."

Calvin walked over to the bricks with the maze on it and said, "I'll start going through the maze from _this_ side, and you go from the other side. We'll continue through the maze. Only you won't be looking for the exit. You'll be trying to get to ME. If you catch me in the maze, then we'll have to start over. "

"The Monster Maze, huh?" Hobbes observed. "Nice touch."

"Isn't it, though?" Said Calvin. "Anyway, after that, I have to cross that stick without falling into the creek, then I have to grab the flag, and race it over to the other side of the place. Then, you and I will have a race through town, and try to get to Dad's office. After that, We'll race back here, and into the tree house, and... You might want to be taking notes."

"Continue." Said Hobbes.

Calvin rolled his eyes and continued.

"Then we'll swing from the ropes I tied up there from tree from tree. Then we'll land on the house, and jump from house to house. We'll cross the street, carry that mattress to other side of the highway, and finally, have a race through the entire house, and to the flag hung in my room!"

"Let us begin!" Hobbes said.

"Heh, heh!" Calvin said. "Prepare to meet your downfall, Hobbes!"

"I'll bet." Hobbes muttered under his breath.

"But first," Calvin held a small remote control up. "Just to make sure nobody cheats in the maze..."

Calvin put the antenna on the tip of the maze, and raised it upward. A huge brick wall raised from the ground from the tip of the remote!

Calvin stood on his tip toes, and held his arm up high.

The brick wall was now twice as big as Calvin, and just tipped Hobbes' head.

"How did you do that?" Hobbes asked.

"My magic maker thing." Calvin said. "Now we _really_ have a maze."

Calvin and Hobbes stood at opposite ends of the maze.

Hobbes narrowed his eyes, and flexed his claws, and Calvin clenched his fists, and grinned, evilly.

Calvin's alarm clock was set on a tree stump next to the maze.

five...four...three...two...one... BRI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-NG!

Calvin and Hobbes both shot into the maze.

Calvin didn't know what Hobbes was doing but right now, Calvin just wanted to get out of the maze.

He zoomed through the winding brick walls.

He was panting as he raced through the place.

Hobbes, on the other hand, was causally strolling down the tunnel.

Pausing every now and again to smell a rose at the ground.

Calvin tripped. He jumped back up, and zoomed down the winding corridor, again.

Hobbes looked at his watch, and yawned.

He got back up from his break, and walked back to the exit of the maze.

He had no intention of going very deep into the maze.

Calvin peeked around the corners for Hobbes, and continued running through the maze like a mad cheetah.

Hobbes entertained himself, by counting the bricks on the wall.

"Four thousand five hundred sixty-two." He said. "Four thousand five hundred sixty-three. Hmmm lost count. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six..."

Calvin crawled through the maze totally exhausted.

Then he saw a light ahead.

Calvin screamed in victory, and raced for the exit.

"Opps." Said Hobbes. "Here comes Hyper: The maniac of tomorrow. Better hide."

Hobbes walked behind a wall, as Calvin zoomed for the exit.

Just then Hobbes put his finger out, and tagged Calvin.

"Whoop! Too late." He said. "I win."

Calvin screamed with frustration, and headed back for the start.

It went on like this for the next few hours.

Until Calvin figured out Hobbes' strategy.

"Why that sneaky little tiger! I'll show him!"

Calvin quietly peeked over the corner.

Hobbes was sitting at the exit, reading a comic book.

Calvin looked around.

Quickly, he ran back out of the maze, and into the house.

He grabbed his _duplicator_, and quickly duplicated himself.

He and the duplicate ran into the maze.

Calvin peered over the corner.

Yes, Hobbes was still reading the comic book.

Calvin gave orders to the duplicate, and it screamed in victory, and raced for the exit.

Hobbes hid behind the wall, and tagged the clone.

But as soon as Hobbes did that, the real Calvin zoomed toward the exit.

Hobbes glared daggers at the clone, and raced after Calvin.

They were due for the next event.

Calvin carefully started across the small log laid across the creek, and held his arms out so he wouldn't fall.

Hobbes waited impatiently on the other side of the bank.

"Earthquake test!" Hobbes yelled suddenly.

He grabbed the log, and started violently shaking it.

Calvin screamed and raced across to the other side.

"That's more like it." Hobbes said, prancing across the log.

Calvin glared at Hobbes for a moment, then he and Hobbes raced for the lone flag that was sitting in the field.

Calvin grabbed it, and ran. Hobbes followed him, trying to get the flag.

Calvin raced through a field of weeds.

Hobbes followed.

Through the creek.

Hobbes followed.

Calvin raced through tall grass, open fields, more creeks, and several large rocks.

Hobbes still followed.

At last Calvin reached the tree.

He frantically climbed up the tree, while Hobbes climbed after him.

Calvin ripped his shirt, blamed Hobbes, and continued his wild climb.

A purple flag was in sight at the top.

Calvin grabbed the purple flag, and switched it with the red one.

Success!

Calvin then jumped out of the tree.

He didn't climb down. He JUMPED.

Hobbes watched with great interest, as Calvin hit the ground and rolled through the creek, through the weeds, through the tall grass and so on.

Afterward, Calvin stood up looking wet and annoyed.

Hobbes climbed down the tree, and the race began.

Calvin and Hobbes raced through the allies, through _Crazy Mike's Video_, again, through _Taco Bell_, through _Wal-Mart_, and other places like that. Calvin and Hobbes raced through hotels and motels, and department stores like _JC Penny_ and _Target_. They raced through _Conoco gas station_. They ran through so many places that this episode would be a movie if I mentioned all of them.

But at last, they reached the tall building where dad worked.

This was a weekend, so the building was closed, but that didn't stop Calvin and Hobbes.

Hobbes picked the lock, and they raced inside.

The scattered papers, and knocked computers over, in their frantic search for Dad's office.

They climbed the winding staircase, and searched all the offices.

They destroyed Mr Ring's office, Obliterated Miss Freeman's office, and wrecked Ms. Airkien's office.

At last they found Dad's office on floor five.

"FIRST ONE THAT TOUCHES THE COMPUTER WINS!" Calvin screamed.

Calvin and Hobbes flew for the desk in which the computer sat.

Hobbes pulled Calvin backward, and Calvin pulled Hobbes backward.

Soon they got into a big fight, and started tearing the place apart.

Papers, pens, desks, telephones, and keyboards went flying in all directions.

At last Calvin triumphed, and touched the computer monitor.

"...I...Win..." He gasped.

"Last one back to the tree house is a rotten loser!" Hobbes screamed racing out of the wrecked office.

Since no one was there, nobody noticed Calvin and Hobbes wreaking everything as they bolted out.

They ran back outside and ran through the allies, through _Crazy Mike's Video_, again, through _Taco Bell_, through _Wal-Mart_, through hotels and motels, and department stores like _JC Penny_ and _Target_. Through _Conoco gas station_. Again.

Then they reached home, and bolted up the tree house.

Calvin grabbed the first rope, and swung off.

Hobbes shortly followed.

Calvin was first to land on his house.

Then he and Hobbes, raced across it, and jumped onto Susie's house. From there, to Miss Wormwood's house. Then to Moe's house, then to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

Once at Mrs. Omment's house, Calvin and Hobbes jumped off the roof and raced across the street where Calvin had put his parents' mattress.

Calvin grabbed one end, and Hobbes grabbed the other, and they hauled it across the street frantically.

A man on the other side of the street watched as a six year old tied a stuffed animal to a mattress, and wildly hauled it across the street while screaming like an idiot.

"Mmm-**HMMMM**." The man said turning away.

After hauling the mattress across the street, Calvin and Hobbes raced back home.

They dove in the house.

They were now in the kitchen where mom was fixing dinner.

Calvin and Hobbes ran past Mom into the living room, where Dad was reading a book on the couch. The raced up the stairs, and into the first door. The bathroom. They flew out of there, and zooomed into the door next to it. Mom and Dad's room. Calvin and Hobbes then ran out of there, and into the NEXT door. This one had a sign on it that said, Calvin's room, enter and die.

Calvin and Hobbes zoomed past the bed, and toward the red flag hung on Calvin's window.

Hobbes won.

Panting, he held the flag over his head, so Calvin couldn't get it.

"I win." Hobbes said, simply.

Calvin stopped trying to get the flag.

"Oh, who am I fooling? I can't break a record!" Calvin laid down on his bed in agony. "I guess I'll just go back to my boring life."

Hobbes walked up, and patted Calvin on the back.

"There, there, Calvin. Breaking a record isn't everything. People won't exactly care if you get your name in a book." Calvin thought about that.

"Ya know, Hobbes? Your Right! Now, I'm going to soak Susie with a mud balloon, and play three hours of Calvinball!"

"That's the spirit!" Hobbes said.

Calvin jumped off the bed with happiness.

Then he stopped.

"Wait a minute. That's it! I'm not the world's greatest Calvin just because I collect marbles, or do races! I'm great because I'm me!"

"Mmmm-hmmm." Said Hobbes.

"I mean think of it Hobbes? history left its mark! ME! Millions of people, my ancestors, died in civil wars and Revolutionary Wars, and all that to make ME!"

"Uh." Said Hobbes, no longer listening.

"I'm not great because I broke a world record! I'm great because I'm Calvin!"

And he was right.

Just then, Mom and Dad burst into Calvin's room.

"CALVIN!" They both screamed.

"Calvin put on some toy glasses, and said, "Who ees theese Calveen?"

"Calvin our mattress is missing, and Mr. Toyn said he saw it laying in the field across the street!" Mom Spat.

"And my boss called, telling me that a crazed boy tied to a stuffed tiger wreaked his entire building, ESPECIALLY AS WORSE IN **_MY_** OFFICE!" Dad screamed.

"So tell me," Calvin said taking the glasses off. "What makes you think **_I_** did it?"

Calvin spent three weeks in his room.

**THE END**

_Swing123: Well, that's that. Hope you liked it. Coming up next, A brand new Calvin and Hobbes! Calvin and Hobbes in: NIGHTY SHUT UP! By the way, Independence Day is coming up, so NAUGHTY FIREWORKS Will be up soon, too. Maybe even before NSU. Stay tuned.

* * *

_

**VOICE WORK:**

**Pamela Segal:** Calvin

**Tom Hanks:** Hobbes

**Bill Murray: **Dad

**Jennifer Love Hewitt:** Mom

**Ben Stine:** Guy that goes "Mmmmm-hmmmm"

**Dee Bradley Baker:** Miscellaneous voice work

* * *

**Coming up Next: **Naughty Fireworks! 


	4. Naughty Fireworks!

**Summary: **Calvin tries to convince his dad to get Fireworks for the the fourth of July.

* * *

_This might go a little fast, and its kind of late,but please no flames. I posted this on short notice._

_And now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series_

**!Naughty Fireworks!**

A small six year old boy held an alarm clock over the bed of his parents, a tall balding man and his brown haired wife.

The boy turned the alarm volume up at full blast, and put some earphones over his head as the seconds counted down.

5...4...3...2...1... **_BRI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-NG!_**

Mom and Dad shot out of bed as the sound echoed throughout the house.

"Wakey, wakey!" Screamed Calvin. "Today's the Fourth of July!"

Calvin grabbed a hat decorated with the American flag, put on an Uncle Sam beard, and dancing across Mom and Dad's bed while singing The Star Sprinkled Banner.

Dad grabbed the alarm clock and shoved it in Calvin's face.

"IT'S ONE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING!" Screamed Dad.

Calvin grinned and quoted, "'Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.' If you didn't go to bed at six o'clock like I did, then that's your own problem!"

Calvin went skipping out of the room singing When Johnny Comes Marching Home.

Mom glared at Dad, then went back to sleep.

Later that day, Calvin and Hobbes were in the car and heading for town.

"I can't wait to get our fire works!" Said Calvin.

"Fire works?" Dad laughed. "We aren't getting any fireworks! They're dangerous. We're playing it safe, this year."

Calvin's grin dropped like a ton of bricks.

"**_WHAT?_**" He screamed.

"We can't have any dangers this year, now can we?" Said Dad.

"Of corse we can!"Protested Calvin. "That's what Independence Day is all about! Loud booms and bright lights! If we're not getting fireworks then why on Earth are we going to town!"

"That'll be four fifty." Said the lady at the checkout stand in the Super One grocery store.

"You sure you don't want a Fourth of July cupcake, Calvin?" Asked Mom.

"Drop Dead." Calvin muttered.

At home Calvin and Hobbes were holding a 4th of July meeting of G.R.O.S.S.

"This meeting of Get Rid Of Slimy girlS shall now be called to order." Calvin said, pushing his newspaper hat into place.

"Hear, hear." Hobbes said, clapping.

"As of now," Calvin said. "News report shall be held early. First Tiger Hobbes shall record the minutes."

Hobbes took out a notepad and a pencil, and started writing.

"Our new enemy of the club is called DAD." Calvin declared.

Hobbes quickly wrote that down. "Dad new enemy. Many yells of shock."

"He, as of now, has deprived us of Independence day!" Calvin announced.

Hobbes wrote furiously. "Doesn't give us fireworks. Many mutters of agreement."

"Now, we have a desperate mission: We must make our _own_ fireworks, and soak Dad."

"Much roars of applause and pounding on the tables." Hobbes wrote.

"Our revenge shall be well planned and mapped out!" Calvin yelled, punching the air.

"Chants of 'G.R.O.S.S.' echo through compound. Many yell out the G.R.O.S.S. slogan. More pounds on the tables." Hobbes wrote.

"Now moving on to the next event." Calvin announced.

Hobbes wrote, "Dictator for life finish up news, many claps and whistles."

"How can we make the fireworks?" Calvin asked Hobbes.

"Well," Hobbes said. "What are other fireworks made of?"

"Metal, rockets, TNT, and fancy paint." Calvin replied, dully.

"MMMM!" Hobbes thought outloud. "Where can we get those?"

Calvin shrugged, and leaned against the wall of the tree house.

"We can borrow the rockets from the Time Machine, and use that paint set that grandma gave me last Christmas, but I don't know where we can get metal or TNT."

"We could use the tin on the tool shed." Hobbes suggested. "But that still leaves the problem about explosives."

"Yes." Calvin agreed. "Dad's such a safety freak, we wouldn't be able to find a stick of dynamite within fifty miles of our house!"

Hobbes nodded.

"Perhaps we can find a substitute?" He asked.

Calvin shook his head.

"Can _you_ find anything that'll explode in a flash of color?" He asked.

"No." Hobbes replied.

"We need REAL TNT." Calvin said.

Just then, Mom called Calvin into the house for lunch.

Calvin and Hobbes climbed down the rope ladder, and walked into the house.

"Who are we fooling, Calvin?" Hobbes asked. "We can't make fireworks. They're too complicated."

"Plan B." Calvin whispered.

Calvin and Hobbes rushed into the livingroom where dad was reading a book.

Abandoning all their pride, Calvin and Hobbes bent down on their knees, and put their hands together into a prayer, and started pleading.

"PUH-LEEEEESE GET US FIREWORKS!" Calvin pleaded.

"No." Dad replied.

"Just some sparklers then!" Calvin yelled.

"No." Dad said, not looking up from his book.

"GET US _SOMETHING_ THAT HAS TO DO WITH LIGHTS!" Calvin screamed, abandoning his Bambi eyes.

"We have flashlights that change colors." Dad said simply.

Calvin jumped up in anger.

"OH! You _accept_ flashlights? What if the bulb explodes? What if we get shocked from electricity from it! What we poke our eyes out with the batteries while putting them into the flashlight?"

"Go to your room." Dad said.

"REVENGE! RE-VEEEEEEEEEENGE!" Calvin screamed, dragging his stuffed tiger up the stairs.

A few minutes later, Calvin had tied all his bed sheets together, and threw it out the window.

They crawled out of the window, and rushed into town.

"Ok, Hobbes." Calvin said. "All we have to do is buy a couple of fireworks, and then, set them off tonight. We'll say to Mom and Dad we didn't do it, and Kabaam! A wonderful 4th of July."

* * *

"Sorry Kid, you have to be 18 or older to make a purchase." The man at the stand said. 

"WHAT?" Calvin screamed. "I'll have you know that I _am_ 18 or older! I'm actually 52, and haven't started puberty yet!"

"Sorry kid." The man said.

"Ok here!" Calvin grabbed his magic marker, and poked red dots all over his face. "Here ya go! Pimples! Now gimme!"

"Get out of here." The man spat. Calvin grumbled, and walked away.

"Perhaps you should've hidden the magic marker." Hobbes said.

"Shut up!" Calvin spat, wiping the magic marker off his face. "Two can play at _His_ little game!"

A tall man wearing a suit walked up to the fireworks display.

"Hello." He said in a deep voice. "I'd like to buy some fireworks."

"Nice try." The man said.

"What are you talking about?" The man asked.

"I know its you, kid." said the man. He ripped the hat off. Revealing a very angry man's face."

"Whoop!" The guy said. "Sorry, dude. Here's your works."

Seconds after that man left, another one came up.

"Hello!" He said in a deep voice. "Gimme some works."

The man took the hat off, revealing a stuffed tiger's head.

"Get out of here." He muttered.

Calvin took the suit off, and walked away, grumbling.

"That's a sharp guy." Hobbes observed, a little later. "He destroyed our clone of Dad, ignored us when we came up and demanded them, and threw us in a garbage can when we started bombarding him with water balloons."

"That guy's tough!" Calvin spat. "It might be weeks before we get something!"

"Perhaps we should try reasoning with him." Hobbes suggested.

"That's a terrible idea!" Calvin spat. "But wait! If we tried reasoning with him... that's it!" Calvin jumped up in victory. "Gad! How do I do it?"

"I don't know." Hobbes, sighed, shaking his head.

Minutes later, Calvin and Hobbes had their fireworks.

"That was great!" Calvin yelled. "We simply reasoned with the guy, and we got our works! We should try that more often."

"Yes." Hobbes agreed.

That night, "Hey Calvin, lets go out and watch the fireworks." Dad said.

"Oh you'll see some fireworks all right." Calvin chuckled.

Outside, the fireworks were amazing.

But Calvin ignored the light show, and set up his own fireworks behind Dad's back.

"You sure this is gonna work?" Hobbes whispered.

"Watch and learn, buddy." Calvin whispered.

Hobbes lit the rocket with his claw and... BOOM!

It was amazing.

It was worth Dad whirling around and catching Calvin in the act.

It was the most beautiful display ever.

Bright lights, red colors and a big boom.

Oh, yes, Calvin had to endure a bunch of screaming and cussing from his dad, but considering that he had just seen the most stupendous Intedependence day ever, It was worth it.

That night, in bed, Calvin and Hobbes were reliving the magnificence of their earlier experience.

"It was great!" Hobbes sighed.

"Too bad it only happens once a year." Calvin said.

"Say, Calvin, didn't you buy _two_ fireworks?" Hobbes said, suddenly.

"There were two, and I lit em too!" Calvin said.

"But I only saw one explosion! Where'd the other one go?" Hobbes asked.

"Who cares?" Calvin asked. "Maybe it went to the land of Oz, and blew up a witch."

Calvin and Hobbes laughed, and fell asleep to a wonderful dreams of their experience.

Outside, High above the clouds in an alien spaceship...

"Well, once again our plan to destroy Earth has failed."The Alien captain said.

"Yes, chief." Another said. "It seems that as long as thereare people on Earth, we will never get the upper hand."

Just then, a loud CLUNK sounded outside.

"What was that?" The King asked.

An alien looked onto the radar screen.

"It appears to be... TNT."

"WHAT!" The King screamed. Just then the Firework exploded.

_**BOOM!**_

"Whoops!" An Alien said. "There goes our force field."

The sparks from the explosion then got into the engine.

"Whoops!" He said, again. "There go our thrusters."

The king handed another alien a baseball bat.

"Here. Please hit me has hard as you can. With this." He took his crown off, and leaned forward. "Don't hold back."

The alien, grinned stupidly, an raised the bat.

WHACK!

"NOT THAT HARD!"

**The End**

_Swing123: I'm sorry if this story seemed to go too fast or ended lamely. Independence Day came so quickly, and I hadn't anything ready yet. So yes, this is my fault for not starting sooner, but please no flames. NSU Will be here soon.

* * *

_

**VOICE WORK: **

**Pamela Segal:** Calvin

**Tom Hanks:** Hobbes

**Bill Murray:** Dad

**Jennifer Love Hewitt: **Mom

**Tom Kenny: **Fireworks guy

**Dee Bradley Baker:** Miscellaneous voice work

* * *

**Coming up next: **The Mighty School Escape 


	5. The Mighty School Escape

**Summary: **With the help of his alter egos, Calvin attempts to escape from school.

* * *

_And now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series_

**The Mighty School Escape**

Calvin tapped his pencil on his desk.

His eyes weren't in focus, and he wasn't paying attention to Miss Wormwood as she taught her class math.

Susie was sitting next to him, glaring at him and muttered, "Calvin, stop tapping your pencil, you're driving me crazy! You're going to flunk 1st grade!"

Calvin didn't listen to her. He had completely checked out and was in laa laa land.

"_Spaceman Spiff is being held prisoner at planet Zeek! Our hero devises a brilliant plan!_"

"Calvin would you please present the next problem on the board?"

Calvin cut his eyes from side to side.

"_It appears that Spiff is about to be sacrificed! A god they call **nol-eje!**_"

Calvin stood up and inched for the board.

"_Inching closer to the sacrificial pit, Spiff reaches for a Zorcher ray he had concealed in his utility belt!_"

Calvin grabbed something out of his pocket, and whirled around.

"YAAAAH!" he screamed. "ALRIGHT! NOBODY MOVE! I'M OUT OF HERE!"

Miss Wormwood rolled her eyes.

"Calvin. Give me that rubber band, right this minute."

"**I SAID NOBODY MOVE!**" Calvin roared.

Calvin began backing up.

"Now I'm going to back up slowly, and if anyone tries anything... **YOU'RE TOAST!**"

And with that, Calvin flew out of the room.

No one was surprised.

Calvin zoomed down the hall.

He stopped, narrowed his eyes, and looked around in all directions.

Just then, he heard footsteps.

Thinking quickly, Calvin leaped into a locker, and laid low.

Miss Wormwood past the locker, muttering about her retirement.

After she had left, Calvin sighed, and tried to open the locker.

He tried again.

Hmmm...

That wasn't good.

Calvin dropped Spaceman Spiff and started up a hero that could help him.

Calvin took off his backpack, and pulled his Stupendous Man cape and cowl.

He put it on and thought, "_STUPENDOUS MAN is being trapped by his arch enemy THE CRAB TEACHER! Our hero attempts an escape!_"

Calvin banged his fists into the locker door.

_**BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG !BANG!**_

"_Great moons of Neptune!_" Stupendous man exclaimed. "_Crab Teacher as installed a metal IMMUNE to STUPENDOUS MAN'S stupendous strength! Our hero attempts to break it with his STUPENDOUS SCREAM!_"

Stupendous Man took a deep breath in and let out a sonic scream.

"**_GET ME OUT OF THIS LOCKER! HELP! HELP! AAAA! OPEN THIS DOOR! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!_**"

Red shockwaves hit the locker door, bounced off, and went right back into Stupendous Man's face knocking him over.

"Great rings of Jupiter!" Stupendous Man exclaimed. "The metal is immune to my STUPENDOUS SCREAM!"

Stupendous man rubbed his head, then plunged into his very last idea.

He laid down on the floor of the locker, propped his feet against the door, and pushed.

"RRRRRRGH!" Stupendous Man grunted as the metal slowly started to bend.

Finally, he had made a gap large enough for him to slip through.

He then took his costume back, and switched back to Spaceman Spiff.

"_Spiff searches space center for his space jet!_" Calvin narrated.

He peeked into a room, and saw Miss Wormwood talking with Mr Spittle.

"_The alien has sent out a backup request signal to the mother ship!_" Calvin thought. "_Spiff thinks fast!_"

As Miss Wormwood prepared to exit the office, Spiff slipped into the bathroom.

"_Our hero hides in an alien restroom. He takes refuge in a stall._"

Spiff bolted into a stall and waited.

Suddenly, somebody came into the bathroom, and started walking in the direction of the stall Spiff was in.

"_I was trapped in the bathroom stall._" Calvin said, switching to Tracer Bullet. "_The goon closed in. I had noplace to go! I..._"

The person walked into the stall next to Tracer, and he breathed a sigh of relief. Then slipped out of the bathroom.

He burst from the bathroom, and took a suspicious look around.

Suddenly, Calvin heard a voice behind him.

Calvin leaped in seven directions at once, and bolted off.

"What a weirdo." Susie muttered.

Calvin zoomed into an empty classroom.

He looked around.

It must have been the fourth grade classroom.

Suddenly, Calvin heard footsteps again.

He dove under the teacher's desk as Mrs. Rose, the fourth grade teacher, came into the room with some papers.

She sat down at the desk, and Calvin found himself pressing himself against the desk to avoid detection.

"_Our hero is trapped between an alien! Spiff pulls he electo-band out of his pocket._"

Calvin pulled a rubber band out of his pocket, and snapped it against the teacher's leg.

"YYEEEEEEEE-OUCH!"

Mrs. Rose leaped into the air, knocking the desk over, and Calvin bolted out of the room.

Calvin leaped into the gym.

He switched back to Spaceman Spiff, and peeked at a piece of paper on the door.

Schedule

10:00AM-11:00AM

12:00PM-1:00PM

1:00PM-2:00 PM

Calvin glanced at his watch.

11:56AM

whoops.

Calvin dove behind a closet door as Mr Lockjaw burst into the gym with the 3rd and 4rth graders.

"ALRIGHT!" Lockjaw boomed. "Let's get physical!"

Spiff watched the gym class with horror.

"_Spiff observes the aliens in boot camp! He attempts his getaway!_"

Calvin leaps into the crowd, and tries to blend in.

Then, while Mr Lockjaw wasn't looking, he rushed out.

He raced over to a pay telephone, took out a couple of quarters, and started dialing a number.

_Ri–i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ng! Ri–i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ng! Ri–i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ng!_ _Ri–i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ng!_ _Ri–i-i... _Click. "Hello?"

"Hobbes!" Calvin exclaimed. "This is Calvin."

"Aren't you suppose to be at school?" Hobbes asked. "Or is the calender wrong?"

"I AM AT SCHOOL!" Calvin said, impatiently. "Quick! Is mom at the house?"

"She's at the grocery store." Hobbes said.

"And Dad?"

"He's a lawyer." Hobbes replied.

"Great!" Calvin grinned. "So you're alone?"

"Besides this tuna fish sandwich in my hand, yeah, I'm alone." Hobbes yawned.

"Wonderful!" Calvin cheered. "Time me! I'll be home within the hour!"

"They sure let kids off early these days." Hobbes sighed, as Calvin slammed the phone onto the hook.

Calvin looked around, again, then bolted into the cafeteria where there was a...

HUH!

Calvin was POSITIVE there was an emergency exit in that room! Calvin had sat there and stared at it everyday!

Just then, Calvin heard footsteps again.

He dove under a table, and tried to become a pancake, invisible to the naked eye.

Miss Wormwood entered the room, and turned to the lunch ladies.

"Have you seen Calvin?" She asked.

The Lunch Ladies shook their heads, and Miss Wormwood left.

Calvin crept out of the cafeteria, and started for the exit.

BRI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-NG!

Calvin jumped eight feet into the air, hit his head on the ceiling, and crashed onto the floor, as the classrooms emptied, and hundreds of kids started walking over him.

Calvin stood up, and started brushing himself off.

Suddenly, Miss Wormwood spotted him.

"THERE YOU ARE!" She screamed reaching for him.

"YEEEK!"

Calvin blasted a hole into the crowd, and exploded out the door.

He turned to the classroom for a last shot.

"TAKE THAT YOU SLIMY, BUG EYED, BOOGER BRAINED MORONS! AND THE NEXT TIME YOU GET AN URGE TO ATTACK SPACEMAN SPI..."

My goodness, that face Miss Wormwood had would've made trees burst into flame.

Uuuuh...

Calvin aborted the last shot, and proceeded to run for his life.

He zoomed down the streets, and didn't slow down until he reached his house.

Mom's car wasn't in the driveway, which was good.

Calvin tried the door.

It was locked, so he raced around to the window, and pried it open.

He climbed in and rushed over to Hobbes, who was sitting on the couch, and watching Animal Planet.

"What's my time!" He panted, holding his chest.

Hobbes looked down at his stopwatch.

"Forty-five minutes, three seconds." He replied.

Calvin pumped his arm into the air.

"Yes! That's a new record! Any calls from the school, yet?"

"Nope. Not yet." Hobbes replied.

At that very moment, Mom came into the drive.

"Well, the hurricane has arrived." Hobbes said. "See ya later."

And with a blear of orange and a burst of strong wind, Hobbes vanished.

Calvin's eyes rolled over to the door, which unlocked, and Mom walked into the room.

She stared at Calvin.

"What are you doing here!" She demanded.

Calvin rolled his eyes around.

"Uh... there was a gas leak. We were all evacuated." Calvin said.

Mom's eyes narrowed.

"What? Does anyone know you left? I'm calling the school!"

Mom marched off.

"Don't waste your time!" Calvin called. "The school's empty! There's no one there!"

"Hello?" Mom said, over the phone. "Elementary school office, please."

"_Spiff hadn't counted on a Zorcher enforcer ship! Our hero's maneuvers come to naught! THIS COULD BE THE END!_"

* * *

Calvin trudged up to his room. 

"I can't believe it!" he declared.

"What?" Hobbes asked, placing a comic book down.

"Mom drove me back to school, and talked to my teacher and Mr Spittle! Now I have extra homework!"

"Ouch." Hobbes muttered.

"And to make things worse, Dad's going to check my work to make sure I did it right!"

He handed the book to Hobbes.

"So be sure you do an extra good job, OK?"

Hobbes took the notebook.

"Your lucky tigers are so smart." He said.

Calvin smiled, and picked up a comic book.

It had been another adventure for Calvin.

And his three super hero buddies.

**The End

* * *

**

**Voice work:**

**Pamela Segal:** Calvin/Spaceman Spiff

**Tom Hanks:** Hobbes/Mr Lockjaw

**Bill Murray:** Stupendous Man/Tracer Bullet

**Jennifer Love Hewitt:** Mom/second grade teacher

**Dakota Fanning: **Susie

**Mary Jo Catlett:** Miss Wormwood

**George Clooney:** Mr Spittle

**Dee Bradley Baker:** Miscellaneous Voice work

* * *

**Coming up next:** Help Wanted! 


	6. Help Wanted

**Summary: **Calvin tries to find a job.

* * *

_And now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series_

**Help Wanted**

Calvin sat in the living room watching TV.

Dad came in just then.

"What a bunch of junk!" he said as a commercial came on.

"What junk?" Calvin asked. "This is good wholesome television!"

Just then another commercial came on.

"Are you 100 to 500 pounds overweight? Then get the brand new Fat-away! This amazing new formula burns fat in up to two days!"

Calvin and Dad stared at the TV.

"I once weighed 935 pounds." Said another man. "Since using Fat away, I am now down to 26 pounds! Girls notice me now!"

"That's the brand new Fat Away! Order now!"

"See?" Calvin said. "Good wholesome TV."

Dad rolled his eyes.

"You are hopeless!" he sighed. "HOPELESS!"

Dad left the room.

Calvin rolled his eyes.

"Come on, Hobbes." Calvin said. "We have to go outside."

"We _have_ to?" Hobbes asked.

"Yeah, Dad's getting that attitude again."

Calvin and Hobbes walked outside.

"How about a new comic book?"

"I'm with you." Hobbes grinned.

Calvin and Hobbes walked down the block to the comic book store.

Calvin shifted through all the comics.

"Darn." He said. "The latest Captain Nitro comic isn't out yet."

Calvin and Hobbes walked over to Wal Mart, which was across the street.

Calvin searched the toy section.

"Here's that brand new Videonow Color thing!"

Hobbes looked up.

On the top self was a red CD player like thing with a picture of Spongebob on it.

"72 dollars." Hobbes said. "Where are you gonna come up with that kind of money?"

"TO THE CLASSIFIED SECTION!" Calvin rushed out of the store.

As soon as Hobbes caught up with him, Calvin was sitting on a bench with a newspaper in his hands.

Hobbes sat down next to him.

HELP WANTED!

Now hiring at Taco Bell Great pay!

Job at IGA. 5 dollars an hour

free job at Crazy Mike's Video Call for information

"Not very many jobs." Hobbes observed.

"There's enough." Calvin said. "Look, a job at Taco Bell! Home to the Mexi-nuggets and bean burritos!"

Calvin and Hobbes rushed off.

* * *

Calvin stopped in front of Taco Bell's huge logo of a bell. 

Calvin walked into the restaurant dragging a stuffed tiger along with him.

"Hello." Calvin said to the woman at the desk. "I'm here for the job application!"

The woman stared down at him, with slight amusement.

"How old are you?" She chuckled.

"27, why?"

"Kid, you have to be 16 to get a job."

Calvin narrowed his eyes.

"Really? See if you ever get _my_ business again!"

And with that, Calvin and Hobbes exited the restaurant.

"Sixteen, eh?" Hobbes said. "That'll be about another decade of tireless waiting"

"shut up!" Calvin spat. "Maybe I can't get any big jobs like all those other morons, but I can still get a job!"

"How so?" Asked Hobbes.

"Remember, Calvin," Hobbes said. "Like every good salesmen, stick your foot in the door as they close it."

"But my foot will get hurt!" Calvin yelled.

"In that case you may stick your head in the door." Hobbes said.

Calvin slammed his fist into a screen door.

"Yo! Get your lazy bottoms out of your chairs, and give me money!"

A woman opened the door.

"I give out insults for one dollar." Calvin said.

The woman stared at him.

"_insults_?" she asked.

"Right." Calvin said. "And for another dollar I'll give you an insult in an Asian accent!"

The woman stared at him, and prepared to slammed the door in Calvin's face.

Calvin then shoved his head into the door.

CRASH!

"OW! MY LITTLE HEAD!"

Calvin screamed.

Hobbes then began his insane monkey laughter.

Afterward, Calvin sat on a bench with Hobbes

"this is serious, Hobbes!" He said. "I gotta get that handheld TV thing. But how?"

"How kids of six usually get money?" Hobbes asked.

"Lemon ade stand, why?" Calvin asked.

"And what do we have here?" Asked a woman coming up to a cardboard box that had "Calvin's never before eaten foods" written on it.

"Like the sign says, lady." said Calvin from behind the box.

"Can I interest you in anything?"

"Well," the woman said . "I'm awfully thirsty. What do you have to drink?"

"A great selection, ma'am!" Calvin reached into the cardboard box, and pulled out five pitchers of different colored liquids.

"I call this, day-old bath water! Only one dollar" Calvin said pointing to a pitcher of dirty water with bits of soap in it.

The woman curled her lips.

"What else?" she asked.

"Well, I have this." said Calvin pointing to the pitcher of red fluid. "Calvin's Retch! Four bucks."

"What else?" the woman asked, now looking disgusted.

"You might try my Fabric Softener Smoothie." said Calvin pointing to a pitcher of blue stuff. "Or my Infectious Fluid Frappe! Or maybe my Sewer Soda!"

Before Calvin could continue, the woman ran off.

"Hmph." grumbled Calvin "I never get any customers!"

Just then Hobbes walked up.

"How's business?" he asked.

"Terrible." said Calvin.

"That's hard to believe." Said Hobbes rolling his eyes.

"I thought I would get millions of costumers selling food that noone on Earth has ever eaten before."

Hobbes' eyes fell on a stack of toast.

"Hmm. Never?"

he reached in and studied the toast for a trick.

"It appears to be Jelly toast with raisins on it. Yum."

Hobbes took a bite out of the toast.

"Hobbes," Calvin said. "My Slab-o'-Scabs is two dollars! Pay up."

Hobbes' eyes bulged, and he spewed the so-called "toast" all over the ground.

He ran off.

"YEAH!" Calvin called after him. "PUT ME OUT OF BUSINESS WHY DON'T YA!"

"Who are you talking to, Calvin?" asked a voice.

Calvin turned around.

Susie was standing in front of the box.

"Can I interest you in anything ma'am?"

"No." said Susie. "I know what YOU sell. You put sewer water in a pitcher and say it's an eternal youth drink."

Calvin blinked.

Susie walked away.

"Oh for crying out loud!" Calvin kicked the box across the street.

Just then, a car hit the box, and Calvin's Liposucktioned Lard landed splat in his face.

"So much for that idea." Hobbes said.

Calvin muttered to himself.

"Well, Hobbes, how else could we get money?"

Hobbes thought.

"Well," He said. "You might try putting a thing up on the message board."

"Great idea!" Calvin said.

The next day at school, Calvin tacked a message to the message board.

**Calvin and Hobbes' Pet Care**

Are you going on vacation?

Can't take your pet?

Well give 'em to us.

We groom, and take care of your feline/canine for as long as you like for the right price.

Does anybody _else_ do that?

So gimme... I mean call us.

555-6846

Call us

_or else!_

Calvin and Hobbes spent days waiting for the phone to ring.

When it didn't happen, Hobbes sighed.

"Well, I guess we tried."

"I'm not giving up!" Calvin said. "I refuse!"

Calvin tried several other stuff for a very long time.

He tried bookbinders, computer experts, drawing contests and more.

Of corse, no kid ever answered Calvin.

Finally, Calvin gave up.

"There's nobody who wants their money scammed." He said.

"How surprising." Hobbes said, rolling his eyes.

Calvin sat down on his bed.

"Well, I guess we won't be getting that VideoNow thing." He sighed.

"Heartbreaking." Hobbes said, sitting down next to Calvin.

"you're really not too broken up about this, are you?" Calvin asked.

"nope." Hobbes said, patting Calvin on the back. "But there's more to life than handheld TVs."

Obviously, that was the wrong thing to say.

"Hey Hobbes! Your right! They're making this new thing now, where you can watch TV in the bathtub!"

Hobbes stared at him.

"The _bathtub?_" He snorted.

"Yeah!" Calvin said. "If we could get that for my baths, then they'd actually be _enjoyable_! We've got to get one!"

And so, Calvin rushed out of the room, Hobbes rolled his eyes, and followed.

"Another day another dollar." he said to himself.

**The End

* * *

**

**Voice Work:**

**Pamela Segal:** Calvin

**Tom Hanks:** Hobbes

**Bill Murray: **Dad

**Dakota Fanning: **Susie

**Tom Kenny:** Taco Bell guy

**Dee Bradley Baker:** Miscellaneous voice work

* * *

**Coming up Next: **The Black Turning Funnel PART 1 


	7. The Black Turning Funnel

**Summary: **Calvin tries to convince Hobbes that a tornado is not coming, after the two watch a show about them. Until it comes, that is.

* * *

_And Now Back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series_

**The Black Turning Funnel**

It started out as a normal day in the Calvin and Hobbes household.

Calvin and Hobbes were sitting in front of the TV.

"Today, on X-treme weather," the Weather man was saying. "Tornados. How to escape them. And how to know when one is approaching! NEXT!"

"YAWN!" said Calvin. "A tornado's never hit here! Why do we need to learn about the stupid things?"

"It never hurts to take precautions." Dad said, walking past Calvin. "You should watch this, Calvin. It will build character."

"All the more reason to change the channel." said Calvin looking around for the remote.

Hobbes was asleep. His tongue was hanging out his mouth, and he was snoring.

Just then he woke with a start. "YIKES!" he yelped.

"What?" Calvin asked, turning around.

"I just had this horrible dream..." said Hobbes. "It was about a... a funnel."

there was a long moment of silence.

"Spellbinding" said Calvin sarcastically, continuing to look for the remote.

Hobbes yawned and stretched all four legs.

Just then X-treme, weather came back on, and people started blabbing about tornados.

"We have as much chance as getting a tornado, as I do getting a flamethrower!" Calvin complained. "This is useless knowledge! I should write to the studio and complain!"

Dad was standing right beside the window.

"Storm's coming up. Look at those clouds!" He sighed. "I guess that means I can't go on my bike ride."

Calvin rolled his eyes.

"I know!" Dad grinned. "I'll jog around the car for half an hour! That will get my heart rate going!"

Dad ran out of the room, grinning like maniac.

"Your Dad's making a mockery out of the word; exercise" said Hobbes.

"Mmm-hmmm" grumbled Calvin, staring passively into the TV.

"I'm sick of this." Calvin finally said, jumping up and switching the TV off. "I'm just going to read my new comic book."

Calvin trudged up the stairs with Hobbes close behind.

Mom met Calvin at the stairs.

"Calvin, me and your Dad are going to the grocery store. We'll be back in a hour or so. Don't do anything stupid!"

"Mmm-hmmm." Calvin muttered.

"I've locked up the fridge." Mom said.

"I'll survive." Calvin. "And the tunnel to the fridge has been filled in."

"My life is over." Calvin said, as Mom walked out the door.

Calvin was up in his room, reading his comic book.

Hobbes seemed more tense than usual.

Calvin finally asked. "You act as if the end of the World's coming."

"Something doesn't feel right. Muttered Hobbes.

"Mmm-hmmm." said Calvin continuing the comic book.

Hobbes looked around.

He sniffed the air.

"Calvin," he said. "The air seems heavy."

"Fascinating." said Calvin, not looking up.

Hobbes' eyes drifted to the window.

"What's that roaring?"

"Mmm" replied Calvin.

Hobbes looked out the window.

"What's that?" Hobbes asked.

"That, Hobbes, is ray gun used by Captain Napalm to..."

"PUT THE COMIC DOWN!" Hobbes yelled.

Reluctantly, Calvin put down the book.

It was then that the roaring was heard.

"Hmmm." Calvin said. "Windy day. Lets go watch TV."

Calvin and Hobbes walked down the stairs.

Calvin switched on the TV. The hiss of static came on.

"OH for crying out loud!" Calvin yelled. "I hate satellite! Why won't Dad get us Direct TV like all the other homes?"

"The dish is probably out of place." Hobbes said. "We could probably fix it."

Calvin grumbled and opened the door.

WHOOOOOSH!

A huge gust of wind shot into the house.

Calvin slammed the door shut.

It was then that the electricity went out, completely.

"Calvin!" Hobbes yelled. "I think there's a tornado coming!"

"Impossible!" Calvin screamed over the wind. "There hasn't been a tornado here since nineteen-fifty-something."

Hobbes' eyes glowed green in the darkness.

"There are some flashlights in the basement." Calvin said. "Go get them!"

"If you think I'm going down into that dark place, you are badly mistaken!" Hobbes said.

Just then a chilling laugh echoed through the house.

Calvin and Hobbes froze.

"Monsters!" Calvin hissed. "The darkness has made them come out from under the bed!"

"To the basement then!" Hobbes declared, grabbing Calvin by the arm, and swinging the door open.

"Ok." Calvin said. "The lights are out so watch where you step."

"I'm already at the bottom." Hobbes replied. "The stairs aren't that hard to miss."

"Oh." Calvin said. "Ok. Here I come!"

CRASH! BONK! BUMP! SMASH! BANG! WHAM! SLAM! SMACK! WHACK!

"YOU STUPID TIGER! YOU SAID THE STAIRS WEREN'T HARD TO MISS!" Calvin screamed.

"Well, I could see in the dark to begin with." Hobbes said.

"Thanks a lot!" Calvin snarled. "I've probably fractured my skull!"

Calvin got up, and dusted himself off.

"Ok, Mister. You can see! Get me a flashlight!"

Hobbes groped around.

"OW! YOU STEPPED ON MY FOOT!" Calvin yelled

"I know." Hobbes grinned.

"GET YOUR ELBOW OUT OF MY FACE!"

Just then, something bit Calvin's foot.

"Hey! Knock it off!" Calvin yelled.

"That wasn't me, that was the mouse." Hobbes said.

Calvin screamed like a maniac, and tried to get the mouse off his foot.

"GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME!" GET IT _OFF_ ME!"

At last, Calvin shook it off.

"Ah! Here's the flashlight." Hobbes said.

There was a click, and the flashlight spewed out a misty line of light.

"Ok, now let's go back up." Calvin said. "The monsters won't attack us with the light."

Calvin and Hobbes crept back up the stairs.

The wind was really blowing, now.

"well, I'm gonna go fix the antenna." Calvin said. "If you want to stay here and keep the monsters company and talk about tornados, be my guest."

Calvin opened the door, walked outside, and slammed it.

"If the electricity's out, how can he fix the antenna?" asked one of the monsters, who sounded like he was on one of the top stairs.

"I have no idea. He's just weird." Hobbes said. "I'm going outside. Help yourself to anything in the trash can."

Hobbes opened the door. Wind burst in. Hobbes staggered outside, and slammed the door.

Against the roaring wind, Calvin had pushed a ladder up to the side of the house.

He was on top of the roof, smacking the antenna with a hammer.

"CALVIN!" Hobbes screamed over the wind. "HOW CAN YOU FIX THE ANTENNA WITH THE ELECTRICITY OUT!"

"WHAT?" Calvin screamed. "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

"I SAID, HOW CAN YOU FIX THE TV WITH NO ELECTRICITY!"

"WHAT! HOBBES YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SPEAK UP! I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING IN THIS WIND!"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY, CALVIN!"

"WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY!"

"TRY TO READ MY LIPS!"

"WHAT!" Calvin screamed.

Hobbes slapped his forehead.

He grabbed the ladder, and started up the it.

"NOW WHAT DID YOU SAY!" Hobbes screamed.

Calvin stuck his nose in Hobbes's ear and screamed, "**I SAID TO TRY AND READ MY LIPS!**"

Hobbes shrunk back.

"DON'T SCREAM IN MY EAR!" He shouted. "I'M NOT DEAF!"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY, HOBBES!"

"EAR! DON'T SCREAM IN MY EAR!"

"YES! WE'RE HERE, HOBBES!"

"CALVIN! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! WHAT?"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY? TRY TO READ MY LIPS!"

Hobbes looked down at Calvin's lips.

"CALVIN! YOU'VE GOT DIRT ALL OVER YOUR LIPS! NOW WHAT DID YOU SAY!"

"MOUTH!" Calvin screamed. "LOOK AT MY MOUTH!"

"YOU KILLED A MOUSE!" Hobbes screamed.

"I'VE GOT DIRT ON MY MOUTH!" Calvin screamed.

"YOU'VE GOT A MOUSE IN YOUR MOUTH!" Hobbes screamed.

"WHAT!" Calvin screamed.

"CALVIN! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! THE WIND IS SWIRLING AROUND!" Hobbes yelled.

"SQUIRRELS AROUND!" Calvin yelled. "WERE THEY INSIDE THE HOUSE?"

"WHAT!"

"THE SQUIRRELS!" Calvin yelled. "WERE THEY INSIDE THE HOUSE!"

"NO THOSE WERE MICE! **MICE!**"

"YEAH, SQUIRRELS ARE NICE! I'VE ALWAYS LIKED THEM!"

This wasn't working, so Hobbes leaned over, and shouted,

"**I SAID HOW CAN YOU GET THE TV FIXED WHEN THERE'S NO ELECTRICITY!**"

His screaming was so loud, it caused Calvin's ear drums to rattle.

"DON'T YELL IN MY EAR, BONEHEAD! I'M NOT DEAF! NOW WHAT DID YOU SAY!"

"THE ELECTRICITY!" Hobbes screamed.

"WHAT?" Calvin screamed.

Hobbes slapped his forehead.

"CALVIN! THE WIND! GET IN THE HOUSE!"

"THE MOUSE IS STILL ALIVE!"

"WHAT?"

Calvin slammed his eyes shut.

"HOBBES! SOMETIMES I THINK I HATE YOU!"

"NO I ATE THIS MORNING!" Hobbes screamed. "_MORNING!_"

Calvin's eyes rolled into the back of his head.

"I'M GOING INTO THE HOUSE! AND IF YOU WANT TO STAY HERE, AND BABBLE LIKE A MORON ABOUT POURING MICE INTO A POWER BOX, BE MY GUEST!"

"WHAT?"

Calvin climbed down the ladder, and fought against the wind to get into the house.

Hobbes followed.

When they were both in the house, Calvin asked. "Now, what did you say?"

"There's a twister coming." Hobbes said, softly.

"No there's not." Calvin insisted.

"Did you know that tornados can make it look like night in the middle of the Day?" Hobbes called.

"Yeah!" Calvin screamed.

"Pretty dark out there." Hobbes observed. "Do you have the time?"

"Sure!" Calvin looked at his watch.

12:08 PM.

Calvin looked outside into the inky darkness.

Calvin looked back at his watch.

"UPSTAIRS!" Calvin screamed.

Calvin and Hobbes rushed up to Calvin's room.

Calvin ran into the closet.

He came out seconds later with...

"I think I'll take my chances with the tornado." Hobbes said, turning around.

"Get into this box!" Calvin yelled. "There's only one way to stop this thing!"

"Oh yeah?" Hobbes yelled. "How might that be?"

"I'll explain later. Now lets get this thing outside!"

Calvin and Hobbes hauled the box down the stairs.

"Uh, when the tornado sucks you up, and kills you, could you perhaps try and land in the house?" Asked one of the monsters.

"Out of pure spite, no." Calvin replied.

Calvin heard one of the monsters snap their fingers.

Calvin and Hobbes carried the box into the roaring wind.

Calvin climbed inside.

"SLIP ON YOUR VORTEX GOGGLES, HOBBES!" Calvin screamed.

"WHAT!" Hobbes shrieked.

Calvin shoved his vortex goggles into Hobbes' face.

Calvin and Hobbes slipped them on, and Calvin turned on the airplane.

VROOOM!

The engine turned over but didn't start.

"Come on..." Calvin muttered, punching his hand into the GO button.

The engine rolled over, but refused to start.

"Uh, Calvin?" Hobbes muttered. "You might want to hurry up with the plan?"

Calvin looked up.

Hmmm...

There seemed to be black turning funnel swirling across the landscape.

Maybe about five miles away.

Huh.

Seemed to be coming toward them pretty fast.

Uh-oh.

Calvin frantically hit the GO button, but the machine didn't start.

Just then, the wind picked up, and the box rose into the air, out of control.

"AAAAA!" Calvin and Hobbes screamed holding onto each other.

Just the machine chugged, and started.

Calvin and Hobbes looked down at all the little lights coming on.

"Well." Hobbes said. "You got the machine started. The only thing is... Did it start in time?"

Calvin looked up.

The tornado was only a hundred feet away.

And it was coming up fast.

"help." Calvin whispered. "cry for help."

**To be Continued...**


	8. The Black Turning Funnel part 2

_Garfieldodie: Truly, I don't know whether the tornado is just a fantasy or not. Nobody will believe him when it's all finished, though. Of corse _

_**Previously on Calvin and Hobbes:**_

_Weather Man: Today, on X-treme weather, Tornados. How to escape them. And how to know when one is approaching! NEXT!_

_Calvin: There hasn't been a tornado here since nineteen-fifty-something!_

_Hobbes: There's a twister coming!_

_Calvin: UPSTAIRS!_

_(Calvin pulls box out of the closet)_

_Hobbes: I think I'll take my chances with the tornado._

_Calvin: Get in the box! There's only one way to stop this thing!_

_(Tornado wheels toward Calvin and Hobbes' box)_

_Calvin: help. Cry for help.

* * *

_

_And now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series_

**The Black Turning Funnel**

**Part two**

"Hobbes!" Calvin screamed at Hobbes. "I have a confession to make!"

"What's that, Calvin?" Hobbes shouted, as the tornado ever so quickly approached them.

"I knew what you were saying on the roof all the time!" Calvin called.

Hobbes felt a strong urge to strangle Calvin right there, but decided not too.

"Calvin, I rolled up your Captain Napalm comic, and used it to clean out my ears!"

"What!" Calvin screamed in anger. "**_My_** First Edition Captain Napalm book!"

Just then, with a whoosh, Calvin and Hobbes hit the tornado with full force.

POW!

"AAAAAA!" Calvin and Hobbes screamed as the tornado made the box spin out of control.

Calvin grabbed the boosters, and hit the FULL THROTTLE button.

The rockets kicked in, and Calvin and Hobbes attempted to escape the tornado.

The boom of the engine was droned out by the roaring of the tornado.

Calvin tried to steer the box.

It swerved ever so slightly.

Just then, you won't believe this, Just then... It disappeared!

That's right! The tornado just was sucked back into the clouds!

Calvin and Hobbes stared up at the dark clouds in shock.

"Well, that was easy." Calvin said.

"No, look!" Hobbes yelled.

Calvin turned around.

The tornado was still there! It was just in another spot!

"Forget what I said about easy." Calvin mumbled.

"OK! Plan B!"

Calvin pushed the box forward at full speed.

And he zoomed toward the tornado.

"Calvin, we just left the tornado." Hobbes said. "Why are you going back to i— AAAAAAAA!"

With a sharp turn Calvin circled the tornado with a blast of speed behind him.

Calvin circled the tornado as fast as the box would go.

Calvin and Hobbes stared at a cow flying pass them.

"Ok." Calvin said.

"There goes another one." Hobbes said.

Another cow passed the box.

"No, I think that was the same one." Calvin said.

Then Calvin saw something else.

Totally oblivious to what was going on, some guy pedaled his bicycle around the tornado.

Calvin and Hobbes stared at him.

"Well." Hobbes said. "All this needs, now, is the Wizard of Oz song."

"Shall I sing it for you?" Calvin asked.

"No." Hobbes said.

Calvin continued to circle the tornado.

"Calvin, I think your idea is working!" Hobbes said.

Calvin looked up.

Indeed, as he continued to round it, it became thinner.

After about a minute, everything calmly stopped.

"Well." Calvin said. "We've saved our home from total havoc."

"What about everybody else?" Hobbes asked.

"Uh... Yeah. Them too."

Suddenly, the clouds started to rumble again.

Calvin and Hobbes looked up.

"TORNADOS!" Calvin and Hobbes both screamed.

"Tornado**_S_**!" Hobbes said. "Plural!"

Indeed, right before their very eyes, over twenty tornados formed, and hit several spots around the area.

"It would appear my idea doesn't work." Calvin said, grinning, sheepishly.

Hobbes gave Calvin a menacing glare.

Just then, another tornado fell on top of them.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Calvin and Hobbes blazed, as they started to zoom across the sky.

All at once, Calvin and Hobbes were seeing things they never expected to see flying through the air.

Things such as: A windmill, a car, a dozen chickens, several trees, and a refrigerator.

And you know, when you start seeing flying chickens, you know there's something wrong.

Oh did I mention the hawks? Yes. Two hawks. They were sitting in one of the trees nearby.

One of them stared at Calvin and Hobbes.

"Son? Junior? You'd best wake up, son, I'm a-seeing some strange things in the air."

"What?"

"I said, wake up, Junior, 'cause all at once, I'm seeing boxes flying around our tree."

"Boxes? Is that what you said, Pa?"

"That's right, son, a box is flying around our tree. And there's a kid and a tiger in it, wearing swimming goggles."

"Oh, you're just dreaming, Pa. Go back to sleep."

"I'm not dreaming, Junior. There's a box swooping around our tree."

Junior looked up.

"Oh my gosh!"

"Do ya see 'em, son? Tell me, because otherwise, I'm going insane."

"Oh my gosh! Yes, I see them."

"A box? You see 'em? Oh thank goodness, I thought I had lost my marbles for a second there."

"Yep. A box with a kid and a cat in it."

The older Hawk, Wallace, was his name, twisted his head around, and stared at Calvin and Hobbes.

He gave them a hateful glare.

"What are you doing flying around our tree at this time of night like a bunch of I-Know-Whats!"

"Well, Wallace," Calvin said. "It would appear that we're in a tornado."

Wallace and Junior gave Calvin a blank stare.

"Hello? Any body home? Tor-na-do. noun. A powerful storm that can swoop things off the ground."

"Kid, If I want a weather report, I'll ask a groundhog. What are you doing up here?"

"I just told you, moron! We're in a tornado!" Calvin yelled.

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I'm not in a tornado. I'm on my cottonwood tree!"

"Yeah, and your cottonwood tree just happens to be flying around in a Black Turning Funnel!" Calvin replied.

"No It isn't."

"Yes it is!" Calvin spat. "And if you don't believe me..."

Just then, a cow floated past

"If you don't believe me, maybe you'd like to talk about flying cows."

Wallace's eyes popped open, and he turned to Junior.

"Son, you talk to him. All I can make out is that there's a storm somewhere."

"Well, I think he said that we got swooped up into tornado."

"A tornado? You mean a cyclone? A terrible swirling storm?"

"Yeah, only it's called a tornado." Junior said.

"No it's not. It's a cyclone! That's what my granddaddy called it. and that's what it IS- A cyclone."

Junior rolled his eyes.

"Uh, Ok. Pa. It's a cyclone. But whatever it is, we're stuck in it."

"Well why didn't the kid just say so?"

"I think he did, Pa."

"No he didn't! He was jabbering about ground hogs and milk cows."

"Well, you don't see any ground under our tree, do you?" Junior asked.

Wallace looked down.

"No, I sure don't." He said. "and you know, I told you we should watch those clouds up there. That they looked pretty bad."

"No you didn't." Junior said. "Because you fell right off to sleep."

"Well, it sure passed through my mind!" Wallace snarled.

"These two are really boring me, now." Calvin said.

He hit the BLAST OF SMOKE button, and zoomed out of the tornado.

BOOM!

Calvin and Hobbes exited the cyclone. or Tornado. Whatever it was.

"Alright." Calvin said. "We need to find some way to save the town before the tornados..."

"Cyclones." Hobbes said.

"Whatever. Before the somethings destroys everything!"

"How are we going to do that?" Hobbes asked.

Calvin stared off into space for a very long time, trying to think up a plan.

"I've got it!" He grinned.

He jerked the box around, and bolted back for home.

As soon as Calvin got home, he jumped out of the box, and ran into the house.

Hobbes was left sitting in the box.

He looked up at the tor-cyclone-ados.

One of them was coming up. FAST.

"Calvin you better hurry up in there!"

Calvin ran back outside. He was carrying a small water pistol.

"What are you doing now?" Hobbes sighed.

Calvin laughed like a maniac, and pointed his transfigoromer gun at the tornado.

But before he shot it, the tornado lifted him, and Hobbes into the air.

"AA!" Calvin yelled.

His mind raced, as he flew from Mother Earth, and started beating around the tor-whatever.

What was he going to turn it into? HE COULDN'T REMEMBER!

Calvin thought quickly. He shifted throughout his imagination, and picked the very first thing he thought of.

-ZAP!-

The tornado vanished.

Calvin opened his eyes.

It was then that he realized that he was fifty feet in the air.

"AAAAAA!" Calvin screamed as he crashed to the ground.

Hobbes landed softly next to him in the box.

"What did you turn it into?" Hobbes asked.

Calvin pointed at the ground.

Hobbes looked down, there was a whirl wind swirling across the ground.

"Ah." Hobbes said. "You shrank it."

With a WHOOSH, Calvin swiped his hand through the wind, and scattered it up.

"That leaves fifty nine." Hobbes said.

"No problem!" Calvin grinned.

He pointed his gun into the sky at the dark clouds.

-ZAP!-

The clouds parted up, and all the tornados shrank down.

Overhead, the two hawks flew off.

Calvin heard Wallace say, "Ground hogs, flying boxes and cyclones! What kind of place is this? Come on, Junior, We're a-leaving!"

As soon as all the clouds parted, the sun show through again, and the bright day returned.

"Well." Calvin said. "All is as it should be."

"Almost." Hobbes said, pointing.

Calvin looked around.

YIKES!

The cow, dozen chickens, goats, geese, horses and other farm animals that Calvin's neighbors had were ALL IN CALVIN'S FRONT YARD!

All of them landed in Calvin's yard!

To make matters worse, Mom and Dad were returning from the super market.

They got out of the car.

They stared at wide-eyed Calvin.

They stared at the farm animals.

They stared back at Calvin.

There was a long moment of silence.

"Might I add that I just saved the town from a bunch of terrible tornados?"

We needn't go details.

All I'll say is that Calvin lost his TV and comic book privileges for a month.

Oh, and Calvin had to apologize to their farmer neighbor, for "coaxing the animals in his yard for total unknown reasons."

* * *

"Ya know Hobbes?" Calvin snarled slamming the door to his room. "I despise people! And the next time a tornado hits, I'm not going to anything about it! Let the stupid adults figure out how make a transfigoramer gun! I quit!"

"Still," Hobbes said, putting his comic down. "It's a good thing you got rid of them. And really, everything worked out. The monsters are back under the bed, and the tornados are gone... Um Right?"

Calvin gave Hobbes a thoughtful glare.

"It must be very peaceful in Hobbes world." He said.

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

"On the other hand, maybe you should have just let the tornado hit the house, and destroy everything."

Calvin rolled his eyes skyward.

"Torndos! Tornados! Tornados!" He yelled. "That's all I've heard since this morning! Doesn't it ever stop?"

"Well," Calvin said, changing the subject. "It's bedtime. Shall we get to bed?"

Hobbes looked outside.

It was still light out.

But when Calvin was in this mood, you better do as he says.

Calvin crawled into bed, and switched the light off, still grumbling.

There was a moment of silence.

"Calvin are you awake?" Hobbes asked.

"Murk snork. Not if I can help it."

"I was just thinking. Remember that dream I had this morning? It was about a funnel, remember? We actually saw and fought against a funnel! A Black Turning Funnel! Gosh! Do you think I can see into the future?"

Calvin lifted his head, and stared at Hobbes.

"Hobbes," he said. "one of the great challenges of life is trying to distinguish between prophecy and indigestion. Yours is indigestion. Good night."

"It's the middle of the day." Hobbes said.

"Shut up." Calvin spat.

And with that, Calvin fell asleep and ended another exciting adventure in the Calvin and Hobbes household.

**The End

* * *

**

**Voice work:**

**Pamela Segal:** Calvin

**Tom Hanks:** Hobbes

**Bill Murray:** Dad

**Jennifer Love Hewitt:** Mom

**Tom Kenny: **Monsters

**Dee Bradley Baker:** Miscellaneous voice work

* * *

**Coming up Next: **The Time Pauser 


	9. The Time Pauser

**Summary: **Calvin invents a small device called the TIME PASUER. It used to stop time.

* * *

_Darkwarrior17: To tell you the truth, I feel mixed feelings about Calvin and Hobbes going onto the TV screen. I picture Calvin's voice being somewhat high, and loud, with Hobbes quiet and calm. Bill Watterson gave us a great gift with Calvin and Hobbes. So yes. I guess it going onto TV would kind of ruin the magic. Oh, and to answer one of your other questions, yes. I have every Calvin and Hobbes book, including the Tenth Anniversary Book._

_And now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series_

**The Time Pauser**

Hello, my name's Hobbes. I'm a tiger.

Yes, I know, You're just dazzled that the legendary tiger is actually speaking to you.

I'm here to tell you a story.

The story of Calvin and his new invention.

Ah, what an adventure.

It all began one windy day in April.

I had noticed that Calvin had been acting kind of strange lately.

He always grinning.

Well, when Calvin's grinning, You know he's up to something.

I had confronted him on it, asking if he'd tell me what he was up to.

He said no.

Actually he said,

"**I REFUSE TO TELL YOU ANYTHING! I AM INNOCENT AS THE DRIVEN SNOW! YOU HAVE NO PROOF! I DIDN'T DO IT!**"

Well, of corse when he screams that, he means the complete opposite.

One day, during Calvin's strange behavior episode, Calvin's Dad was giving him a lecture.

What was it about, again?

Oh yes, it was about building character.

Something about how suffering did the trick.

"Suffering" wasn't exactly his use of words, but I'm sure that's what he meant.

To my complete surprise and shock, Calvin actually sat through it, and nodded his head to what Dad was saying!

I watched him for a trick.

I saw nothing.

I did notice, that every now and again, Calvin would start grinning like a lunatic.

Strange. Very Strange.

Just then the lecture ended, and Calvin walked up the stairs to his room, whistling.

I stopped him.

"Ok, Calvin." I said. "It is impossible for you to be able to sit through one of your Dad's lectures. What's going on?"

Calvin glared at me.

"Hobbes, How long to you plan on keeping this up?"

In a quick response, I said, "Your under house arrest."

Calvin sighed.

"Oh, alright, if you're gonna do this all the time, I might as well tell you."

Calvin looked around.

"But not here! Up in my room!"

Calvin and I rushed up to his room.

Once there, Calvin locked the door, placed a chair over his closet door, closed his windows, and checked under the bed for intruders.

I felt this a unnecessary act, since most of Calvin's ideas were complete death traps, anyway.

"Hobbes," He said. "Allow me to show you the future!"

"This isn't another form of the Time Machine is it?" I asked.

"No." Calvin said. "Now if you'll just shut up, I'll tell you."

Calvin pulled something yellow out of his pocket.

"Behold! The Time Pauser!"

I studied the device in Calvin's hands.

It was about an inch tall. There was a big red button on the top. It was in a cylinder shape, and was yellow.

"Wow. What is it?" I asked.

"With this amazing device, I can actually _stop_ time!"

I blinked.

"_Stop time?_" I repeated. "Where'd you come up with that dumb idea?"

"Well, I got sick of my boring life." Calvin said. "So, every time I hit this baby, school will stop, Dad's lectures will stop, and my world will be my oyster!"

I scratched his head.

"No wonder you seemed to enjoy those lectures." said I.

"Right!" Calvin said. "There's no limit! Like if Miss Wormwood is giving out a boring assignment, I can just stop time, and go out, and play on the playground! Then all I have to do, is come back, every now and again, sit through the boringness, for a few minutes, or until I get bored, and them, presto! It's me-only recess time!"

I scratched my head.

"Clever." I observed.

"Yes well it took a day to invent." Calvin said.

"Well," I said. "Now that you have a Time Pauser, What now?"

"Wanna see it in action?" Calvin asked.

"Oh, uh, sure. Ok."

"Good, hold onto my arm. That's the only way it works."

I grabbed hold of Calvin's arm.

Calvin hit the button.

BOOM!

All at once, everything was turning, a shockwave traveled out from us, and spread across the world.

All at once, everything became quiet.

I looked out the window.

A bird was frozen in Mid-take off. A kid across the street, was trapped in a jump over his jump rope.

"Nice touch." I said. "How does it work?"

"Well," Calvin said. "It takes time and puts into some big demension where time has no meaning. Are you with me?"

"No." Said I.

"Ok." Calvin said. "I'll put it like this. The Time Pauser will take the moment that is happening right now, and stop it. That way, we could be in one second for days and weeks, and years! And the best part is, we don't age! Since We're still in one exact second, we can't age! Eternal youth!"

I looked out on the streets.

"Yeah but if you have eternal youth like this, you can't interact with people." I said.

"I didn't want to in the first place." Calvin said.

"True." I replied.

"Wanna go have some fun?" Calvin grinned.

"Sure." I said, sarcastically.

Calvin obviously missed it, because he rushed out of the room.

I followed.

* * *

"Amazing." I said, walking down the street. 

"Yeah, I know." Calvin said. "You can even make something funny happen. Here watch this!"

I watched Calvin do his dirty work.

Calvin spotted someone spraying paint on a brick wall.

Calvin grabbed the man's legs, and slowly turned him around.

What? Did I miss something?

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"This teen is spraying paint on a building." Calvin said. "All I have to do is turn this guy around so that he's facing this policeman here."

"But then the policeman will get sprayed."

Calvin made his crazy look, and started chuckling, evilly.

HUH?

"Calvin, surely you're not..."

Calvin grabbed my arm, and hit the button.

BOOOM!

Calvin had just hit play on the VCR of life, and the mess began.

The teenager sprayed his can of red paint into the policeman.

The guy in blue screamed bloody murder, and spun around to the teen, who looked shocked.

* * *

"Calvin, you got that kid, arrested." I said, a little later. 

"What, he deserved it for spraying paint on an American building!"

I rolled my eyes.

"Once again, you've succeeded in making an ideal invention of the future a death trap of doom." I sighed.

Calvin laughed, he hit the button again, for a split second he disappeared and then reappeared three feet away from me.

"With this device, old buddy, we could travel to Mexico in a split second! Hike to Canada in a New York Second! Go to New Jersey in a flash! This could be a new device for transportation!"

I sighed, and walked back up to him.

"Well, here comes a good time to put that thing in use. Here comes Moe."

Calvin spun around, and saw Moe and his gang of thugs approaching.

Have I ever mentioned Moe's gang of thugs? There were only two of them. Some short kid who wore his baseball cap backwards, and another tall kid in sunglasses and bright red hair. Huh. I've never seen his two buddies talk. I'm not sure if they even _can_ talk.

Shall I describe Moe? He had his usual strange hairdo with it going into his eyes. I don't know how he sees through that. Today, he was wearing a T-shirt that had a skull on it. That was new.

He walked up to Calvin in that long trot of his.

For some reason, they ignored me, and focused their attention on Calvin.

"Spare change, twinky?" He snarled.

Calvin smiled, smoothly, and stuck his hands into his pockets.

"Why, yes Moe, I happen to have three dollars in my pocket."

Calvin slipped three one dollar bills out of his pocket, showed them to Moe, then slipped them back in.

"Give me it."

Moe held out a large hand.

Calvin yawned.

"You know, Moe, I'm not feeling too generous today, uhh... No, I don't think I want to give you any money. Sorry!"

Moe raised his fist.

"You'll want to give it to me, when I'm through with you."

Moe threw his fist at Calvin.

It happened so quickly.

All at once, there was a loud POW!

I thought that Moe had clobbered Calvin, but when I opened my eyes, I saw Calvin standing on the sidewalk, perfectly unharmed, and the short kid with the cap on backwards, was laying face down in the dirt.

Moe stared at shorty, then at Calvin who was staring calmly at shorty, as he lifted himself from the dirt. He looked around in shock.

Moe and his two thugs looked around at Calvin trying to figure out what happened.

Calvin yawned. "Yeah, uh-huh."

And with that, He turned to leave.

Moe growled in anger, and virtually pounced at Calvin.

In less than one millisecond, Calvin had disappeared and instantly reappeared three feet away.

Moe landed in the dust.

Calvin turned, and calmly looked back.

He smiled sweetly at the shocked Moe, and continued walking down the sidewalk.

I rushed up to him.

"Don't say anything yet," Calvin whispered.

We rounded a corner.

"NOW! Wasn't that hilarious!"

I smiled. "I must say, you took good care of Moe."

"For once in my lifetime, I was able to ice Moe!"

Calvin pulled his Time Pauser out of his pocket and kissed it.

"I love you!" He said to the inanimate object.

Calvin and I continued down the sidewalk.

We reached Susie's house.

"Watch this." Calvin said. "The new generation to GROSS operations!"

Calvin filled up a balloon water, and took my arm.

BOOOM!

Time stopped.

Calvin and I walked up to Susie who was playing on the sidewalk.

Calvin held the water balloon over Susie's head, and let go.

Miraculously, it hung in the air.

"Amazing." I said. "You can soak Susie when you're miles away."

"Come over here." Calvin and I hid behind a bush.

Calvin hit the button.

BOOOM!

SPLASH!

"AAAAAAAA!"

Calvin muffled his laughter.

He hit the button.

Once time had been stopped again, Calvin burst out with crazy laughter.

"This is great! Lets see!" Calvin and I walked out from the bush.

Susie was frozen in a surprised jump.

Her tongue was sticking out, her eyes were squeezed shut, and she was soaking wet.

"This is G.R.O.S.S. history!" Calvin laughed.

"Another triumph!"

Calvin laughed.

"And before Susie even knows what hit her, we'll be back in the house!"

Calvin and I rushed back into Calvin's room.

Once there, Calvin hit the button.

BOOM!

Calvin started laughing again.

"Isn't this invention, great?" He said.

"I guess so." I decided. "It's better than your other inventions. For sure."

Calvin smiled. "Unlimited access to everything! I am the lord of time!"

"More like the lord of insanity." I muttered under my breath. Calvin didn't hear me, though, because he was to busy bragging about his new invention.

Calvin had a lot of fun the next day, or so I heard.

Calvin had stopped time during lunch, and had placed a gob of food above every lunch lady's head.

When he had started time up again, everything went splooch!

I could see that everybody was starting to get annoyed.

I was even beginning to get annoyed.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get a clear pounce on Calvin.

I mean, one second he was at the front door, the next second he was in his room.

And you know, when I can't pounce on Calvin, I start to get annoyed.

One time, I was stationed at the front door.

I heard Calvin's footsteps running up the sidewalk (When will he learn that I can hear that?).

When he opened the door, and I saw him, I sprang into the air, and landed right into the middle of...

PEWFTH!

Grass.

When I had managed to get the last bits of dirt out of my teeth, I realized that Calvin was standing in the door, grinning at me.

I tried to pounce him again.

He grinned, and hit the button on his Pauser.

He disappeared, and I crashed into the wall.

CRASH!

GRRRR!

It makes me mad just to think about it!

At last, I decided to do something about it.

I mean, who or whom did he think he was?

That night, I took action.

While Calvin was asleep, I switched over to stealthy crouch mode, and slithered out of bed.

Not a spring creaked as I removed my enormous body from the bed.

I stalked for Calvin's closet.

I opened the door, Calvin, of corse, had just thrown his shirt and pants on the floor in the closet. Didn't bother to hang them up. Oh no. Too much trouble.

Oh well, I can't get started on that.

I reached into Calvin's pocket, and took the Time Pauser out.

I looked to see if Calvin had woke up.

He hadn't.

Good.

I chuckled to myself and pushed the button.

BOOM!

With time stopped, I switched off stealthy crouch mode, and made as much nosie as I could.

"**HEY CALVIN! IF YOU CAN'T HEAR ME, DON'T SAY ANYTHING!**"

"**HEY CALVIN! DON'T WAKE UP!**"

I laughed as hard as I could, and slipped the Time Pauser in a place Calvin would never think to look.

And that's the story.

The next day, Calvin looked all over the house for his Pauser.

But he never thought to look in the car.

Tee-hee.

Oh yes, Calvin did eventually find it, but we had to make a few agreements on it.

He would stop using it to terrorize the town and me, and I wouldn't tear it apart into 54 pieces.

Oh yes, I had to put up with some grumbling, but pretty soon, everything became normal again.

Calvin still did use on a few occasions, but otherwise, I had the entire situation under control.

Tee-hee.

And so that's my story.

I hoped you liked it...

If you're wondering how you could thank me enough, we could mosey over to the kitchen?

What might you have in _your _fridge?

Uhhh...

Any fish? Salmon?

Tuna, perhaps?

**The End

* * *

****Voice Work:**

**Pamela Segal:** Calvin

**Tom Hanks:** Hobbes

**Dakota Fanning:** Susie

**Bill Murray:** Dad

**Elizabeth Daily:** Moe

**Dee Bradley Baker:** Miscellaneous voice work

* * *

**Coming up next: **Calvin Get's Professional Help 


	10. Calvin Gets Professional Help

**Summary: **Calvin is signed up to the school psycologist's office.

* * *

_To Garfieldodie: I saw the notice you put up on your profile about Retro Chill. Can't wait to get that started! Also, What TV show would I find Pajama Sam in? I'd like to see how his voice is performed._

_And Now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series_

**Calvin Gets Professional Help**

It started out like any other Saturday in January.

Susie awoke from a sound sleep and had breakfast.

She ate some heart healthy Raisin Bran Cereal.

Then she opened her school books and reviewed the next chapter.

(Gad! This show would BORING if it was about Susie!)

Everything seemed to going well, when just then, she heard the doorbell.

Susie got up, and walked to the door.

She opened it, and saw a severed snowman head laying on her porch!

She yelled in shock for a second, then angrily put on her jacket, and trudged across the street.

She banged on Calvin's door.

Calvin opened the door and stared at her.

"Yes?" He asked.

"You really need some professional help." Susie snapped.

"What makes you think it was me?" Calvin asked, innocently.

Susie slammed the door in Calvin's face.

"Calvin who was that?" Mom asked.

"Oh, just a alien creature, that's all." Calvin called.

Mom sighed, and shook her head.

Calvin walked up the stairs to his room.

The next day, Calvin trudged through the snow, with a telephone.

"Where are you going with that?" Hobbes asked.

"To try bird calls." Calvin said.

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

"So weird." He said.

The next day at school, Miss Wormwood turned to Calvin and asked,

"Calvin, can you tell me what Lewis and Clark did?"

Calvin grinned.

"No, but I can tell you the secret origin of every member in Captain Napalm's thermonuclear Justice League of Liberty."

There was a moment of silence.

"See me after class, Calvin." Miss Wormwood said.

Calvin looked shocked.

"Calvin, did you read the history report I assigned you?"

Calvin blinked.

"I tried Miss Wormwood, but the author must have made a mistake in the book, because, as soon as I opened the book, all the words fell out of the book, and onto the floor into a heap of gibberish."

Miss Wormwood stared at him.

"You must have really had to practice for _that_ one." She said.

Calvin blinked.

"Uuuhhhh..."

The next thing Calvin knew he was in the Mr Spittle's office.

"Calvin," he said. "Why don't you read the reports assigned to you?"

"Because, Mr Spitty." Calvin said. "None of the reports I do are on Dinosaurs. I mean I know the name of every Dinosaur discovered! I can even rattle them off in alphabetical order! Do you want to hear?"

"No."

"Ok then, but only because you pleaded on hands and knees. _Albertosaurus_, _Allosaurus, Anatosaurus_, _Ankylosaurus_, _Apatosaurus_, _Archaeop_ ..."

"Calvin, please!" Mr Spittle shouted. "This discussion is not on Dinosaurs. It's on your study habits!"

"How boring." Calvin said.

"Calvin, I'm putting you in the school physiologist office." Mr Spittle yelled. "I want him to do some deep digging here."

"Why can't you do it?" Calvin asked.

"GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!" Mr Spittle yelled, and Calvin ran out.

"The school physiologist office?" Hobbes asked later that day. "Ouch."

"Yeah, this time it's a guy called Dr Sam."

"Sam eh?" Hobbes asked. "Remember what happened to Dr Dean?"

"Yes." Calvin said.

A flashback started.

"GET HIM AWAY FROM ME!" A woman in a white jacket screamed, bursting from a smoking physiologist office. "HE'S A MONSTER!"

Miss Wormwood, Susie, Moe, Mr Lockjaw, and Mr Spittle stared at the now mad Dr Dean, and then to Calvin who was standing in the middle of the smoke cloud with a slightly surprised expression.

He looked up at the row of faces in front of him.

"Oops." He said.

The flashback ended.

"I hear that Dr Sam's gonna be more tougher though." Calvin said.

"For his sake, I hope so." Hobbes said.

The next day, Calvin and Hobbes sat on the waiting bench.

"Thanks for accompanying me, Hobbes." Calvin said.

"Hey what are friends for?" Hobbes asked.

"I dunno." Calvin said. "I thought they were for enemy substitutes."

Just then a tall man with orange dyed hair opened the door.

He had blue eyes, a serious expression, and was carrying a notepad.

"Next." He said.

Calvin dragged his stuffed tiger into the office.

"Lets start with the couch therapy thing!" Calvin shouted.

He pushed the man into his chair, and laid down on the couch.

"Well for some reason somebody had brainwashed me so that I couldn't remember anything until I'm three. I obviously some kind of secret agent, and the enemy brainwashed me to believe that I'm a simple every day kid! However, it has began to wore off, and I am reminded of what a geniuses I am!"

Dr Sam stared at Calvin.

"That's not where I want to start." He said.

" Oh. Ok." Calvin said, getting up. "Lets do everything _you_ wanna do!"

Dr Sam rolled his eyes.

"First what is your name?"

"Calvin the bold."

"Uuuhh-huuuuh."

Dr Sam wrote something on his notepad.

"How old are you?"

"27, and my voice hasn't changed yet."

"Mmm-hmmm."

Dr Sam wrote in his pad again.

"And who's that?" He asked pointing at Hobbes.

"What does he look like? He's a tiger, you imbecile! His name is Hobbes."

Dr Sam gave the stuffed animal on the floor a blank stare.

"Okay." He said, slowly, writing in his pad again.

* * *

"Now, Calvin, I'm going to say random words, and your going to tell me the first word that comes in your head. Ready?" 

"Yes." Calvin said.

"Tiger."

"Tiger."

"Imagination."

"Imagination."

Dr Sam sighed.

"The point is to say something _different_ Than what I say."

"OH! Ok." Calvin said.

"Tomato."

"Tamato"

"Potato."

"Patoto."

Dr Sam slapped his forehead.

* * *

"Ok." He said. "I'm going to have you close your eyes, and tell me what you see." 

Calvin closed his eyes.

"A whole bunch of black." He said.

"No, go into your imagination." Dr Sam said.

"Which one?" Calvin asked.

Dr Sam stared at him.

"Which one? What do you mean, which one! I don't care!"

"Ok." Calvin said.

There was a moment of silence, then...

"SPACEMAN SPIFF JUMPS THROUGH THE AIR!" Calvin screamed, leaping out of the chair.

Dr Sam watched Calvin run around the room, going "whooosh!"

"Oh NO!" Calvin screamed. "The evil Doik-ters are coming to capture our famous hero! no. No. NO! _NO!_ GET BACK!"

Calvin grabbed The first thing he saw, and lifted it over Dr Sam.

"Hey!" Dr Sam yelled. "Where'd you get that bicycle?"

"BACK! BACK! BACK!" Calvin screamed, slamming the bike into Dr Sam's chair.

Dr Sam got away just in time.

* * *

"Ok." Dr Sam said, "I'm giving you an arrangement of words here. You can put them in any way you like." 

Calvin grinned.

"Ok!" He said.

Dr Sam looked over Calvin's shoulders.

"Uh... You're making me nervous." Calvin said.

"Oh, sorry." Dr Sam walked to his desk.

Calvin spent the next few minutes rearranging the words.

"DONE!" Calvin called.

Dr Sam walked over.

"I put them in the shape of a _Velociraptor_."

Dr Sam stared at the live-sized sculpture of a _Velociraptor_.

"I was going to make another but I ran out of paper." Calvin said.

Dr Sam squeezed his eyes shut.

* * *

"Alright." Dr Sam said. "I'm going to show you some pictures and your gonna tell me what you see in it." 

"Ok." Calvin said.

Dr Sam held up a piece of paper.

"An ink splotch." Calvin said.

Dr Sam rolled his eyes.

"I mean what you see in the ink splotch! What picture is it in the shape of?"

"Oh." Calvin said.

Calvin took another look at it.

"A TV."

Dr Sam held up another one.

"Dracula."

Dr Sam held up another.

"Another TV."

Dr Sam held up a fourth.

"Rupert Chill and Earl the aliens"

Fifth.

"A Utahraptor"

Sixth.

"There's the TV, again."

Seventh.

"Me."

Dr Sam rolled his eyes.

* * *

"Now," He said. "I'm going to say some movie titles, and you stop me when you hear one you like. Bratz movie." 

Dr Sam received a blank stare.

"Bionicle, the Movie."

Blank stare.

"Barbi Swan princess."

Blank stare.

"Jurassic Park."

"STOP RIGHT THERE!" Calvin shouted.

"Ok." Dr Sam said. "How about The Lost World?"

No answer.

Dr Sam turned to Calvin.

He was asleep.

Dr Sam growled in frustration.

* * *

"I'm going to hold up two items at a time. You tell me which one you'd rather play with." 

Dr Sam held up a screwdriver, and a baseball.

"The screwdriver." Calvin said.

Dr Sam held then held up a CD and a frisbee.

Calvin stared at it for a long time.

"Uhhh..." He said. "The CD!"

"And why is that?" Dr Sam asked.

"Because It can be used as frisbee, _and _a Compact Disk!"

Dr Sam rolled his eyes.

* * *

"I'm going to say some certain words to see how you react to them." Dr Sam Said. 

"Right." Calvin said.

"Cape and cowl."

"YOU CAN NOT BEAT STUPENDOUS MAN!" Calvin screamed. "HE HAS THE POWERS OF A MILLION MORTAL MEN! SURRENDER!"

"Detective."

"TRACER BULLET ALWAYS GETS HIS MAN! YOUR UNDER ARREST! FIEND!"

"DC comics."

"The amazing Batman swoops over the big stupid joker!"

Dr Sam sighed.

* * *

"Now" Dr Sam said. "I want to have a discussion with you about Hobbes." 

"Ask anything you want." Calvin said.

"Ok." Dr Sam said. " Does Hobbes eat?"

"Of corse he eats, you idiot, he's a tiger!" Calvin yelled.

"What does he eat?"

"Tuna." Calvin said.

"Have you ever had any doubts of Hobbes' existence?"

Calvin picked Hobbes up.

"TAKE A LOOK AT HIM, YOU MORON! HE BLINKS HIS EYES, MOVES, EATS TUNA, TALKS, AND HAS A SERENITY PERSONALITY! DOES THE WORD 'FAKE' STRIKE YOUR MIND?"

"Uuhhh..." Dr Sam scratched his head.

"What does Hobbes usually say?" Dr Sam asked.

"Talk to him, Hobbes!" Calvin said. "Tell him what your made of!"

There was a long moment of silence as the stuffed tiger gave Dr Sam a blank stare.

"See there!" Calvin said, "He just listed off all the big cat species in alphabetical order!"

Dr Sam rolled his eyes.

"How tall is he?" He asked.

Calvin stared at him

"Are you blind? Take a looksy at him! I'd say about 5 foot 12."

Dr Sam stared at the stuffed tiger that looked no taller than six inches.

"Ok." He said. "Would Hobbes like to talk with me?"

Calvin and Dr Sam looked over at Hobbes.

He had fallen over.

"See?" Calvin said. "He's already bored to death with your droning conversation! He's fallen asleep!"

Dr Sam slapped his forehead.

* * *

"I have one last test." Dr Sam said. 

"What might that be?" Calvin asked.

"Hypnosis." Dr Sam said.

"Did you hear that, Hobbes!" Calvin said, excitedly. "I'm gonna be hypnotized!"

Dr Sam pulled out a watch.

"Ok, now watch the gold pocket watch."

Calvin watched it going back and forth. Back and Forth. Back and forth.

"Now when I count to three, you're gonna fall into a deep sleep. One... two... THREE."

Calvin's head fell behind the chair, and his snore started.

"Now, when I snap my fingers you will awaken, and tell me why you're so bizarre."

Dr Sam snapped his fingers.

* * *

A little later, Calvin woke up. 

Dr Sam was sitting in a chair, and staring at him.

"Well, doc?" Calvin asked. "What did you find in my subconscious?"

Dr Sam stared at Calvin.

"There's nothing in your subconscious worth mentioning." He said.

"Oh." Calvin said. "Ok."

* * *

Dr Sam walked out of the room. 

He picked up the phone, and dialed a number.

"Hello?" Mom asked, picking up the phone.

"Hello, this is Dr Sam." Dr Sam said.

"Oh, hello, and how was he?"

"Calvinish." Dr Sam said. "However, I think I know what you should do to cure him."

"What's that?"

"He appears to have an overactive imagination. Triggered it seems by certain words. He also seems to be having a lot of hallucinations, with his stuffed tiger being real, and Stupendous Man, Spaceman Spiff, and Tracer Bullet." Dr Sam said. "This usually happens when the patient isn't getting enough attention. All I suggest is that you spend just a little more time with him. Give him what he wants, and maybe keep him out of school for a few days. And after a few days he'll probably stop. He might even stop carrying that stuffed tiger around."

"Oh, thank you, Dr Sam." Mom said.

"Mmm-hmmm." Dr Sam smiled.

Just then a crash sounded from the office.

Dr Sam jumped.

"I have to go now." Dr Sam Said, and with that, he slammed the phone on the hook.

He burst into the office.

Calvin was standing in the middle of a dust cloud.

The desk, bookcase, and chairs were all toppled over.

Calvin looked at the wreckage, then looked at Dr Sam.

"Whoopsy." He said. Dr Sam's eyes rolled into his head.

"Get out." He said.

Calvin grabbed Hobbes, and rushed out, as fast as he could.

"Wow what a grump!" Calvin snarled.

"Perhaps you shouldn't have laughed like that when you told him a _Velociraptor _was about to attack him." Hobbes said.

* * *

Calvin sat on the couch two days later, watching Captain Napalm. 

"Wow, ever since That appointment, your parents have been doing _everything_ for you!" Hobbes grinned. "At dinner today, they even let you eat in the living room, and you got to watch TV, and eat cookies!"

Calvin smiled.

"That appointment worked wonders!" Calvin grinned.

Calvin snapped his fingers.

Mom rushed into the room.

"What is it Calvin?" She asked, quickly. "More pillows? More donuts? The remote?"

Calvin snapped his fingers twice.

"Ah! More donuts!" Mom rushed out of the room.

"Ya know," Hobbes said. "Your parents are gonna find out this therapy on your imagination problem isn't working, and they'll stop."

"True." Calvin said, munching down on a donut.

"But still," He said. "I'm gonna have _a lot_ of fun this week!"

**The End

* * *

**

**Voice Work**

**Pamela Segal:** Calvin

**Tom Hanks:** Hobbes

**Dakota Fanning:** Susie

**Mary Jo Catlett:** Miss Wormwood

**George Clooney:** Mr Spittle/Dr Sam

**Mr. Lawrence:** Insane Dr Dean

**Dee Bradley Baker:** Miscellaneous voice work

* * *

_Coming up Next: _**Home Un-Alone**


	11. Home UnAlone

**Summary: **After watching CHILD'S PLAY, Calvin becomes paranoid that there are killer barbi dolls in the basement.

* * *

_And now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series_

**Home Un Alone**

"Behold, Hobbes." Calvin said to Hobbes one day. "My latest invention."

Calvin held a thin object to Hobbes.

"A pencil?" Hobbes asked, eyeing it.

Calvin was holding a brand new un-sharpened pencil.

"Heck no." Calvin grinned. "It's my latest version of the Duplicator. It's called the Mini Duplicator."

"Uh huh."

"Wanna try it out?" Calvin asked.

"Uh uh."

"Oh come on, Hobbes. It's painless."

"I'm not worried about pain, Calvin. I'm worried about what happened the last two times we duplicated something."

"Ok, Hobbes." Calvin sighed. "We'll duplicate something harmless. Like..."

Calvin looked around.

"Like this fridge magnet."

Calvin grabbed a fridge magnet.

"What harm could it possibly do if we duplicated a magnet?"

"I don't care." Hobbes said. "No object is harmless enough so that you can't twist it into a death trap."

"Fine." Calvin said. "You go ahead and run off, screaming like a loon, while I duplicate a magnet."

Calvin held the flat end of the pencil up to the magnet, and hit the eraser "button" on the top.

-boink-

the machine made a small sound, and another magnet appeared in Calvin's hands.

"There." Calvin said. "Now how horrible was that?"

Hobbes stared at the two magnets in Calvin's hands.

Finally he spoke.

"Yes. No. I don't care. Don't ever speak to me, again."

Calvin grinned sweetly, and punched the magnets onto the fridge.

Just then, Calvin heard his Mom on the phone.

"You can't? You are? Oh, I'm sorry. Yes. No, we'll be alright. Yes? Ok. Well, thanks anyway. Mmm-hmm. Goodbye."

Mom hung up.

Dad came into the room.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"Rosalyn's sick." Mom sighed. "She can't babysit Calvin, tonight."

"Oh, that's too bad." Dad clicked.

"Why are you sad?" Calvin asked. "We should be celebrating! The evil babysitter from the Black Lagoon is weak! This should go into Ripley's Believe it or Not."

Mom and Dad stared at Calvin.

"Are you sure she was sick with the flu, and not just sick with the kid with static electricity for hair?" Dad asked.

Mom stared at Calvin as if contemplating that.

Calvin glared at his parents, and left the room.

"What should we do?" Mom asked.

"We'll only be gone for a few hours." Dad said. "Don't you think we could leave Calvin unsupervised for a night?"

Mom and Dad exchanged glances.

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Mom and Dad roared, holding onto each other, for support.

"Seriously!" Mom gagged. "What should we do?"

Dad snickered, and wiped his glasses clean.

Up in his room, Calvin was happily talking with Hobbes.

"...So the monster dressed up like a babysitter is sick, and can't torture us, tonight!" Calvin laughed. "I guess Mom and Dad can't go on their little trip!"

Calvin and Hobbes burst out laughing.

Just then, Mom came into the room.

"Calvin," She said. "We're going out for a few hours. Just stay out of trouble, watch TV, and _don't do anything stupid!_"

And with that, she closed the door.

Calvin and Hobbes stared at the door.

"Well." Hobbes said. "They went on the trip."

"But now..." Calvin thought out loud. "We're HOME ALONE!"

"This is the second time ever." Hobbes grinned.

"Come on!" Calvin yelled. "We can catch the ending to _Garfield and Friends_!"

Calvin and Hobbes rushed downstairs.

They turned on the TV.

Garfield ended quickly.

"Well, now what do we watch?" Hobbes asked.

"Here's a movie. _Child's Play_."

"Calvin." Hobbes warned. "That movie's rated R."

"Hobbes." Calvin sighed. "What the adults _don't_ want you know, is that R actually stands for Rainbow."

"_Rainbow?_" Hobbes asked, closing one eye in disgust.

"Yes. Rainbow. Besides, it has the word "Play" in it. How terrible can it be?"

"You are such a moron." Hobbes muttered.

(1 hour later)

"See, Hobbes? This movie isn't to bad."

"As far as I can see," Hobbes said. "There's a doll running around the world, killing people. Mmm-hmm. That really relates to rainbows."

"Ok." Calvin said. "Maybe there are a few gruesome scenes but it's nothing Calvin the Bold can't handle."

"GAAAGGG!" Screeched the TV. "HELP! AAAA! GAAAAGG!"

"Ok." Calvin said. "Maybe that scene was a little disgusting."

"GGGAAAAG!" yelled the television. "GEEEG AAA!"

"Alright." Calvin muttered. "But there is no movie in history that plays three revolting scenes in a row.

"AAA! GAACK! EEE! CAAA!"

Calvin and Hobbes stared at the TV.

"Is that his skull?" Hobbes asked.

"Yes." Calvin replied.

"Mmm-hmm." Hobbes replied.

"Well, Ok." Calvin decided. "Maybe we should see what else is on."

Calvin grabbed the remote, and changed the channel.

It was then that Calvin became aware that... Well, it was pretty dark in the livingroom.

Who knows what could be watching them from the corners or the...

Calvin rushed to the back of the room, and switched on all the lights.

Hobbes watched.

"Scared are we?" He asked.

"NO!" Calvin spat. "I just... can't see."

"Right." Hobbes said.

Calvin sat back down.

"Maybe this movie will be better." He suggested.

"_Jeepers Creepers II_." He read. "Another Rated Rainbow movie."

"Must you bring up ancient history?" Calvin yelled. "I was wrong, Ok? Sue me!"

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

"I'm not sure if five minutes ago ranks up with ancient history." He muttered.

* * *

After about fifteen minutes, Calvin was terrified.

"Hobbes, what will we do?" He yelled.

"Considering you didn't have this fear until you watched the movie, I don't know."

"There could be millions of blood-thirsty Barbi dolls in the basement!"

"Terrifying." Hobbes yawned.

Calvin's attention was suddenly drawn to Hobbes' tail.

"Hobbes what happened to your stripes?"

Hobbes looked down at his tail.

The stripes on his tail were brilliant red color.

"It's a new tiger warm-up device." He said.

Calvin raised his eyebrow.

"Really?" He snarled.

"Yeah, you know," Hobbes said. "Red is a warm color. And you know, this October weather is deadly! If we didn't dye the stripes on our tails red, there would be hundreds of frozen tigers littering the grounds."

"Oh." Calvin considered. "I guess I never thought of that."

"Think of it, bub." Hobbes grinned. "And always remember that tigers will defeat all forms of deadly weather."

"Hobbes are you OK?" Calvin asked. "Your voice is a little more define than usual."

"Must be this cold. COUGH, COUGH! Anyway, what were you saying?"

"What? Oh yeah! We must find some way to defeat the killer dolls!" Calvin declared. "Hobbes! How did they finally get rid of that doll?"

"I don't know, they bombed it or something." Hobbes said.

"AH HA!" Calvin yelled. "I've already detected a vital clue! Repeat your last phrase."

"They bombed the doll." Hobbes grumbled.

"Hmm... What you said holds the answer to our problems!"

"We're going to bomb the basement?" Hobbes asked.

"NO!" Calvin snarled. "You said **_THEY_** bombed the doll! Who are these "they" people? And what are they doing with thermonuclear weaponry?"

Hobbes sighed.

"Calvin there is nothing in the basement" he sighed. "It was just a movie with cheap special effects."

"Oh yeah?" Calvin asked. "What kind of twisted imagination would think up of some killer doll? It must have been based on a true story! We're dealing with greater horses Fobbes!"

"My names Hobbes." Hobbes said.

"I know perfectly well what your name is!" Calvin snarled. "I said that we're dealing with greater _forces_!"

"No you said that we're dealing with greater horses." Hobbes said.

Calvin gave Hobbes a blank stare.

"Hobbes," He sighed. "horses are dumb animals that run around in horse pastures. What we're talking about has nothing to do with horses."

"Yeah, but you said horse." Hobbes said.

"I did not." Calvin insisted. "I said we're dealing with... You've got me so scrambled up, I don't even know what I'm talking about!"

"There see?" Hobbes yelled. "first your talking about horses, now your talking about scrambled eggs! What? Are you going insane, or something?"

"Hobbes! _You're_ going insane!" Calvin snapped. "I was talking to you about something very important! Now I can't remember what it was! Furthermore, I've realized that this entire conversation has been... Looney! This has happened before, and it bothers me! Do you stay up at night, and think of ways on how you could bring chaos into our conversations?"

"No, I think it just happens." Hobbes yawned.

Calvin turned back to the TV.

"Let's see, Did the Killer Doll have a name? We could write down suspects."

Hobbes didn't answer.

"Hobbes?"

Calvin turned around.

Hobbes was crawling out from behind the couch.

"What are you doing back there?" Calvin yelled.

Hobbes looked up.

"I uh... was..."

"And what happened to your protective tail wear?" Calvin asked.

"My what?" Hobbes asked.

"Your red stripes!" Calvin said, impatiently. "What happened to your protective red winter stripes?"

Hobbes gave Calvin a blank stare. Then he looked down at the stripes on his tail. They were once again, black.

"Oh, those." Hobbes said, slowly. "Just got the news. there's a heat wave coming through our town tomorrow. I won't need them."

"Oh." Calvin said. "Hmmm... I seem to have lost my train of thought."

Just then, Calvin and Hobbes heard something down in the basement.

Both froze.

"Calvin," Hobbes whispered. "I think there's something in the basement."

Calvin stared at Hobbes.

"Hobbes, I pointed that out to you five minutes ago and you... forget it! I'm going to set a trap for the monster doll. Go do something constructive, and don't ever speak to me, again!"

"Do you think this will work?" Hobbes asked.

"Of corse it will work." Calvin assured. "There's nothing killer dolls like better than sleeping pills!"

"Why is that?" Hobbes asked.

"Isn't it obvious?" Calvin asked. "It can use it as a murder weapon! An overdose of this junk can put you in a coma, you know!"

"Tell me, Calvin," Hobbes said. "How on Earth is a doll going to manage to get twenty pills down somebody's throat? Hmmmm?"

"Shut up." Calvin spat. "Now, we'll need a volunteer to set the trap up in the basement."

"Oops." Hobbes said. "you mean..."

"Yes, Hobbes." Calvin declared. "you've been chosen out of all the kitties in the world to volunteer for this dangerous mission!"

"What an honor." Hobbes muttered.

"Indeed it is." Calvin said. "here are the pills."

"Well, Calvin," Hobbes said, rolling his eyes around. "I'd love to volunteer but... uh... my leg's been acting up."

"I'm sure it has. Get down there, or I'll throw all the tuna away!" Calvin snapped.

Hobbes opened the door to the basement.

"Yoo-hoo?" he called. "Ok, all you people in the basement. Clear the way. Here I come."

Man it was dark in there.

Hobbes took the first step. Then the second. Then the third.

"Well, I think I'll just put a bottle of sleeping pills here on the floor." Hobbes said, sweating. "Nothing strange about putting a bottle of medicine on the floor where anything three feet tall can get it! Heh heh heh..."

Hobbes set the bottle on the floor.

"There we go. On the floor. In plain sight. Nothing suspicious about a bottle on the floor! Well, I'd love to stay but I gotta run!"

Hobbes ran upstairs, again.

Calvin was waiting.

"Did you complete the task?" He asked.

"Yes." Hobbes said. "I put the pills on the floor, as you ordered."

"And the trap?" Calvin asked.

"Uh.. That _was_ the trap." Hobbes said.

"Good grief, Hobbes you just put the _pills_ down there?" Calvin yelled.

"Yes."

"I told you to put a rope trap around it!"

"No you didn't." Hobbes said.

"Well it sure crossed my mind! Oh-no, Hobbes! We've just given the doll a weapon!"

"It's your fault." Hobbes muttered.

"It's your fault, Hobbes!" Calvin screamed. "Now apologize!"

"But you were the one that gave me the orders!" Hobbes yelled. "You didn't say anything about a rope!"

"Yes, I did!" Calvin yelled. "And even if I didn't, it crossed my so forth! So even though it's my fault and my actions, you could've thought of what to do! Now apologize for my actions, so we can get on with our lives!"

"Oh, very well." Hobbes stated. "I'm sorry you made such a stupid, dumb, hare-brained, idiotic, moronic, looney mistake!"

"There!" Calvin said. "Now don't you feel better?"

"Oh, yes, I do." Hobbes said, seriously.

"Good. Great. I'm always happy to help you through life's many challenges." Calvin said, proudly.

"I'm sure you are." Hobbes said.

"But the killer doll still has the pills!" Calvin alerted "Which means we're in mortal danger!"

"What'll we do?" Hobbes asked.

"We'll act as if nothing happened." Calvin said. "Maybe if we're lucky, Murphy will expose himself in a mistake!"

"Who's Murphy?" Hobbes asked.

"That's what we call the enemy, Hobbes. "MURPHY'""

"How come?" Hobbes questioned.

"Because... I don't know why! We just do! Now stop asking stupid questions, and let's go!"

Calvin and Hobbes rushed up to Calvin's room.

"Alright, Hobbes." Calvin said. "Murphy knows we're onto him, so we're going to have to think of a more cunning trap."

"Which is...?" Hobbes asked, motioning for Calvin to hurry up.

"I haven't thought of a clever enough trap." Calvin said.

Hobbes slapped his forehead.

"Wait! I know!" Calvin shouted. "We'll rig the house! We'll put buckets of water on every door! We'll station marbles around the house! WE SHALL PREVAIL!"

"Goody!" Hobbes clicked.

Calvin and Hobbes spent the next few minutes rigging the house.

When they were finished, the admired their work.

"Well, Hobbes." Calvin sighed. "No killer doll's gonna get us, tonight! I can't wait for Mom and Dad to get home and see that we've protected the house against monsters!"

"Yeah, but won't they be mad?" Hobbes asked.

"Of corse they'll be mad!" Calvin yelled. "after all, they wanna eat us."

"Oh my gosh!" Hobbes yelled. "Your parents want to eat you!"

"What?"

"Wow, and just when I thought they couldn't get any weirder." Hobbes sighed.

"I'm not talking about my parents!" Calvin spat. "I'm talking about the killer dolls!"

"Yeah, but I meant your parents." Hobbes said. "Won't they be mad when they found out that you booby-trapped their house?"

"No, of corse not!" Calvin laughed. "If they knew what was in the basement, they would have asked, No, DEMANDED, that we rig the house! I mean, I'm their precious six-year old!"

"Uh-huh." Hobbes sighed, shaking his head.

"Maybe we should check and see what the status of the pills are." Calvin considered.

He ran over to the basement door, and peeked inside.

He gasped.

"_They're gone!_" Calvin exclaimed. "the doll took them!"

Calvin rushed up to his room.

I guess he had forgotten that he had placed a marble on every step up the stairs.

Calvin slipped on the first step, and went crashing for the ground.

"OW!" He screamed.

Hobbes tried to muffle his laughter.

Calvin went up the stairs, again, but went a little carefully, this time.

He came back down with his dart gun.

"Ok, Hobbes, We're going to blast the door over, and secure the area!"

"You do that." Hobbes yawned.

"And you're coming with me!" Calvin snarled.

"Huh-boy." Hobbes sighed.

"Here, take this!" Calvin handed Hobbes a dart gun.

"Here we go, one, two, THREE!" Calvin kicked the door to the basement open.

I guess he forgot about the bucket of water on top.

SPLASH!

Hobbes managed to stand a safe distance away when the bucket hit Calvin.

Calvin kicked the bucket off, screamed at it several times, tried to dry his hair, and started down the steps. Hobbes followed.

When Calvin reached the bottom, he realized he was alone.

"Hobbes get down here!" Calvin yelled.

Too late.

Hobbes had vanished. Dumb cat. How did he manage to... Oh well.

Calvin turned around, and faced the task in front of him.

"Alright, Barbi! Come out! I wish to destroy... I mean talk with you!"

No answer.

The silence was deadly.

"I know you're terrified of the big people, but we mean you no harm!"

No answer.

"LISTEN, YOU STUPID DOLL, I, UNLIKE YOU, HAVE A LIFE! NOW ARE YOU GOING TO SHOW YOURSELF, OR ARE THINGS GONNA GET UGLY?"

Calvin caught some movement out of the corner of his eye.

He spun around, and shot a dart at the unknown creature that...

Calvin looked up in time to see a rat scurry away.

Calvin blinked.

"That's it?" Calvin snarled. "a lousy rat! _That's_ what's been causing me so much terror? Why I oughta... Wait a minute... If a rat was the one making all that noise... what took the bottle of pills?"

Calvin spun around in several directions.

He saw nothing of any particular interest.

"Oh man!" Calvin screamed. "Is it any wonder they call that brand of dolls _Bratz_?"

Calvin spun around in all directions.

"Show yourself, you dumb doll! Or are you scared? Scared of a wimpy little six-year old! In the movie, you were killing adults left and right! And yet you can't even stand up to a weak, defenseless, little child!"

Calvin thought about what he had just said.

"Oh, terrific." Calvin sighed. "Way to go, Calvin."

Just then, Calvin caught more movement. And it wasn't a rat!

Calvin spun around.

Hmmmm... There appeared to be something sitting in the corner.

But in the darkness, Calvin couldn't make out any features.

Calvin shown the light into the corner.

His eyes bulged, and he tried to scream. But his scream more or less died in his throat. Instead of screaming it came out more of a squeak. Or a gargle. Or a yodel.

There sitting in the corner of the basement, grinning like a lunatic was... A BARBI DOLL!

Normally that wouldn't be so terrifying. Seeing how Mom had kept her childhood doll in basement for years, but what made it so horrible, was that _it was holding a bottle of pills in its left hand!_ Right hand. Who cares?

It threw it's doll head back, and let out a horrible laugh!

Calvin backed up.

"BACK! Back you cursed creature from the black... Hmmm... Ya know, I missed the beginning. How did you come to life, anyway?"

The doll took a step for Calvin. It was kinda clumsy.

"I didn't really mean all that, about the _Bratz_ and all." Calvin said. "I think that _Bratz_ is a wonderful from of... uh... dolls. But... Uh... Opps... I guess _Bratz_ is Barbi's competitor. So uh... Forget everything I said about that doll company!"

The doll was getting closer. It held the bottle of pills up, and shook it, menacingly.

"What I meant to say was... Uh... Hey Barbi! You're great! I saw your movie! Uh... all four of them... heh heh... They sure are great! Five stars, I say!"

Calvin thought he heard a snicker.

"So, uh... when's your next movie coming out?" Calvin asked, continuing to back for the stairs. "I'll sure be first in line when it comes out!"

The doll reached up, and unscrewed the lid on the bottle.

Just before the doll was about to leap on top of him, Calvin rushed up the stairs and into the bright living room.

"HA!" Calvin screamed back into the basement. "Take that you lousy excuse for a doll company! I hope you get ringworms! And I take back everything I said about your movies! You stink, you ugly bucket of boogers! And so does you rival, _Bratz_! I hope you..."

At that very moment, a doll came flying out of the darkness, and hit Calvin in the face.

Calvin fell over backwards.

"AAAAA!" He screamed. "HELP! I'M BEING ATTACKED BY A DOLL! CALL UNSOLVED MYSTERIES! CALL THE FBI! CALL OPERA WINFREY!"

It was then that Calvin picked up the sound of... laughing?

Calvin opened his eyes.

The doll was sitting motionless on the floor five feet away from Calvin, and a tiger was emerging from the basement laughing his head off.

"YOU!" Calvin screamed.

The tiger wiped a tear from his eye, and continued laughing.

The alleged tiger was not Hobbes as you might of suspected, but his good buddy Socrates.

Socrates lived next door with another kid. Calvin had never met him, but he knew enough about him to know he was some kind of lunatic (Sound familiar?). Socrates was terrible prankster and never missed a chance to laugh and scoff at the misfortunes of others. He looked exactly like Hobbes but with one tiny difference. Strangely, His tail had vivid red stripes instead of black ons. Unfortunately, Hobbes saw him as an idol.

Speaking of Hobbes, he was leaning against the wall next to the basement door for support, and, too, was laughing his head off.

"Oh man, Socrates," Hobbes sighed. "That was great!"

"CAN I ASK WHAT'S GOING ON HERE!" Calvin screamed.

"After your parents left, I invited Socrates over." Hobbes said.

"Ever since you turned on the TV, we've been switching places, getting ready for this big prank!" Laughed Socrates.

"Socrates took the bottle of pills after I put them down there." Hobbes grinned. "Then he made several bumps down there to arose your suspicions."

"I'm amazed you didn't see me holding the doll up!" Socrates screamed with laughter. "Then again, you were petrified with fear!"

"I OUGHT TO STRANGLE YOU!" Calvin screamed at the two tigers. "You lousy cats! WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU..."

At that very moment, Calvin, Hobbes, and Socrates saw a light out the window.

YIKES!

Calvin's parents were home!

"Uh-oh." Socrates gasped. "The artillery has arrived! Well, Hobbes, I'd love to stay, but I've got to get the last phase of our plan done!"

And with that, Socrates dove out the window, and rushed to the house across the street from Susie's.

"What did he mean "The Last Phase"?" Calvin asked Hobbes, dangerously.

Hobbes shrugged and grinned, then rushed up the stairs.

Calvin desperately tried to unhook all the booby traps, but Mom was already in the front door.

SPLASH!

"AAUGH!" Mom screamed.

She turned a murderous glare on Calvin.

"**_DID YOU WATCH A SCARY MOVIE?_**" She yelled.

"NO!" Calvin insisted. "I can explain, Mom! You see there was this rainbow and it liked to play with dolls. Then it got sleepy and took some sleeping pills. I guess."

Mom started for Calvin, but just then, she stepped on the rug.

The very rug that Calvin had...

TWANG!

"AAAAAA!"

Oops.

Dad came into the house.

He stared at the rug cocoon hanging from the ceiling, with Mom yelling homicidal things at Calvin.

Dad stared down at Calvin.

Calvin stared up at Dad.

"Um... peaceful evening?" Calvin asked, innocently.

Calvin was thrown into his room.

The next day at school, Calvin learned what "The last phase of the plan" was.

In the middle of math, Calvin's voice blared out of the speakers.

"... Uh... Hey Barbi! You're great! I saw your movie! Uh... all four of them... heh heh... They sure are great! Five stars, I say!"

Calvin jumped in alarm, and screamed.

He then realized that Hobbes had recorded _everything_ that Calvin had said in the basement!

Socrates had then put the tape in the speakers, and blazed them throughout the entire school!

"ALRIGHT YOU!" Calvin screamed after returning home.

"Me?" Hobbes asked, innocently.

Calvin snarled. "You knew you could terrify me with your talk about killer dolls! I WAS THE LAUGHING STOCK OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL! I despise you!"

"Socrates and I did enjoy seeing you terrified like that, but you were the one that was ranting and raving about the homicidal Barbi."

"I DID NOT!" Calvin declared. "You twisted fiend! I ought to sue you!"

"...Talking about how R stood for Rainbow, and how Barbi was a bloody maniac..." Hobbes said, counting the events off on his fingers.

"I refuse to listen!" Calvin yelled. He stuffed his fingers in his ears, and went, "LAA LAA LAA LAA LAA LAAA LAAA!"

Hobbes continued counting off the things that Calvin had done. Calvin continued to tune Hobbes out.

It had been another really weird adventure for Calvin and Hobbes.

And Socrates.

**The End

* * *

**

**Voice Work:**

**Pamela Segal:** Calvin

**Tom Hanks:** Hobbes

**Ryan Stiles:** Socrates

**Bill Murray:** Dad

**Jennifer Love Hewitt: **Mom

**Dee Bradley Baker:** Miscellaneous voice work

* * *

**Coming up next:** A Calvin and Hobbes: The Series Holiday Special: **_FULL MOON: FULL BALONEY!_**


	12. Full Moon: Full Baloney!

**Summary: **Hobbes says ghosts don't exist. Calvin says they do. Who is right? The answer lays in Calvin's cellar...

* * *

_To Garfieldodie: Yes, Socrates will be a returning character. He comes up once in here,as a matter of fact.I think useing him in RETRO CHILL is a great idea! I can just see him pranking and clawing up all the aliens and Retro._

_And now back to Calvin and Hobbes the Series_

**Full Moon: Full Baloney**

Three little 4-year old kids who dressed as pumpkins, and one with a white sheet over his head like a ghost walked up the sidewalk to a big yellow house.

There were four pumpkins on the front porch of that house.

One had the word "character" carved into it.

Another had a tiger face carved into it, one had an ordinary grinning face on it with two teeth, and the last had some monster on it, with a finger carved up its nose.

The three kids rang the doorbell.

A kid that was about four inches taller than them opened the door.

He had spiky hair, a red T-shirt, and black pants.

"TRICK OR TREAT!" the three kids shouted.

Calvin grinned, evilly.

"Ah, so you've come for your candy?"

"YEAH!" the kids called.

"Don't you know that the candy is _cursed_?"

The kids stared at him.

Calvin had obviously planned this out.

"At night," Calvin said. "Candy comes to life! It'll have sharp teeth, and long claws! It will grab ya by the shoulders and EAT YOU!"

Just then, a furry hand with claws grabbed one of the kids' shoulders.

"AAAAAA!" The kids panicked, and ran off.

Calvin chuckled, and Hobbes climbed down from the tree.

"Scaring those little kids is sure a lot of fun!"

"You really shouldn't do it." Hobbes said, munching on a Kit Kat.

"I would have used Werewolves and vampires to scare them out of their limited wits, but I was stopped by my... something. My sense of self wonder, or something like that."

Hobbes ate down another Snickers, and went into the house.

"It's a full moon tonight." Calvin observed.

"Big Deal." Hobbes said. "I don't believe in that junk."

"What? You don't believe that ghosts and goblins come out now?" Calvin asked.

"I don't believe in ghosts." Hobbes yawned.

Calvin raised his eyebrows.

Just then the doorbell rang.

"There's more kids!" Calvin snarled. "Here for _my_ candy! Hobbes! Go outside and hide in the tree again!"

"Judging by how long it is before the next kid comes I might as well just _sit_ that tree all night." Hobbes sighed.

He ran out the back door.

The door bell rang again.

"I'm coming, I'm coming!" Calvin opened the door.

Behind it he saw... GOOD GRIEF THERE WAS A BIG HAIRY BLOODY CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON THERE!

The creature roared, and dove for Calvin.

"AAAAA!" Calvin screamed. "DON'T EAT ME! I'M HIGH IN CALORIES!"

The monster pounced Calvin.

CRASH!

Calvin and the monster landed in the wall.

It was then that Calvin heard... laughing?

Calvin opened his eyes.

Hobbes was leaning against the door frame for support and was laughing his head off.

And beside Calvin was... HUH!

What a dirty trick. What a rotten, dirty, lousy trick! Do you know who the so-called "monster" was?

It was Hobbes' tiger friend Socrates.

Socrates lived next door with another kid.

Calvin had never met him, but he assumed that he was some kind of maniac, for teaching his tiger to pounce on the first thing it sees.

Hobbes was still laughing like a maniac.

"HA HA! Great trick, Socrates!" He laughed.

"Man! Halloween is my favorite time of year!" Socrates yelled. "All these little kids to scare out of their limited wits!"

Calvin grumbled, and got up.

"I knew it was you all along, Socrates!" He snarled. "I was just playing along with your game."

This made Socrates and Hobbes to laugh harder.

Then Socrates sighed and said, "Well, Hobbes, gotta run! There's still twenty more houses around here with kids in them! Bye!"

And with that, the Socrates rushed past Hobbes and ran down the street.

"whoo." Hobbes sighed. "I wonder if I'll ever start breathing, again! HA!"

"Shut up." Calvin spat. "And get into the house, before I decide to slam the door in your face!"

Hobbes walked in, and Calvin slammed the door.

WHAM!

Just then, Calvin heard something.

He looked up.

"Hobbes do you hear that?"

Hobbes listened.

Music?

"Do they have Halloween Carols?" Hobbes asked.

"I don't think so." Calvin said.

"Come on, Calvin!" Someone said.

Calvin spun around it was Mom.

"Come on." She repeated. "If you want to go Trick or Treating, we have to go, NOW!"

"Oh." Calvin said.

"Oh yeah."

Calvin and Hobbes were starting up the stairs when, all of a sudden...

Calvin lifted his head, and listened.

There it was, again.

_That same eerie music coming from outside!_

Oh we are very happy where we are.

We have many things to do.

This song is the result of very hard work

Listen to the song, from very far.

It was spooky.

Very spooky.

Calvin didn't know who was out there singing in that cold, but never would he have guessed that it was a bunch of _ghosts! _

"Well." Calvin said, after a while. "Are we ready to go on our Great Halloween Heist to get more candy?"

"Sure." Hobbes said. "But we don't have any costumes. How are we going to go?"

"Relax, Hobbes." Calvin said. "I have everything worked out."

* * *

Calvin rang the doorbell to the first house.

The resident opened the door and stared down at Calvin.

"Trick-or-Treat! Translation: Give me candy, and I won't destroy your house, one room at a time."

The woman looked down at Calvin.

"Where's your costume?" She asked. "What are you supposed to be?"

"I'm yet another resource-consuming kid in an overpopulated planet, raised to an alarming extent by Madison Avenue and Hollywood, poised with my ironic and alienated peers to take over the world when you're old and weak!"

The woman stared at Calvin, shrugged, then threw him and Hobbes a couple of Kit Kats.

"Am I scary, or what?" Calvin asked, munching down on the Kit Kat.

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

Calvin and Hobbes walked past several kids.

One was dressed as a goblin, another was a witch, and then there was... HUH!

Calvin ran into Susie.

She was dressed as a fairy.

"What are _you _supposed to be?" Calvin asked. "Some kind of pink vulture?"

"NO!" Susie growled. "I'm a fairy, you dope!"

"In that case, I wish for a cool ten billion dollars."

"What are_ you _supposed be?" Susie asked. "You don't even have a costume!"

Calvin cleared his throat, and said, "I'm yet another resource-consuming..."

"Forget it." Susie said. "I don't even want to know."

"Yeah well you should!" Calvin said. "It would probably give better view in costume taste!"

Susie glared at Calvin, and walked past him.

"Can you believe that?" Calvin asked Hobbes. "Dressing up like a fairy on Halloween? Can she pick a less scarier costume?"

Hobbes didn't answer.

"Halloween is for scary stuff! Not Cinderella!"

Just then Candace walked past Calvin. She was in a Cinderella costume.

"Girls have no taste in costumes!" Calvin muttered.

"Maybe Susie will find Candace, and grant her a wish." Hobbes said.

"I'll bet." Calvin muttered.

After Calvin and Hobbes returned Home, they sat down and started to eat their candy.

"Well, Hobbes," Calvin said, afterward. "It's been a fun day."

"Indeed." Hobbes sighed. "I liked the Butter Fingers the best."

"Yeah, me too."

It was then, that Calvin realized that his parents had gone to bed without him!

They were obviously so pooped out from the trick or treating that they forgot about Calvin.

Just then, something sounded from the basement.

A kind of creak.

Calvin and Hobbes panicked, and zoomed outside.

There were still a few people trick or treating, but otherwise, the streets were empty.

In mass panic, Calvin and Hobbes were separated!

Calvin rushed into the root cellar, and hid under a gunnysack.

Just then, something came inside the cellar.

It was walking toward the gunnysack.

Calvin panicked, but then gained control of himself.

"Whooooo!" Calvin said in a deep, ghostly voice. "Who's in my cellar!"

The footsteps stopped.

Calvin heard a gasp.

"Oh my gosh! Who's there?"

"It's meeeeee!" Calvin said. "The ghost of the cellar! You are disturbing my sleeeeep."

"Oh. Ohhhhh. OHHHHHH!"

It was a ghost alright!

Calvin had one!

Now what was he going to do with it?

"What are you doing in my cellar?" Calvin asked.

"I'm hiding." The ghost said.

"What are you hiding from?"

"From ghosts like you."

Hm. That was odd. A ghost hiding from another ghost?

"Tell me, spirit," Calvin said. "Why should you be hiding from a ghost?"

"Because I'm scared." Said the ghost.

"Why should one ghost be afraid of another ghost?"

"I don't know." The ghost said.

"Tell me spirit! Was it something in your former life?"

There was a moment of silence.

"I've never been a farmer." The ghost said.

"I said, FORMER not FARMER!" Calvin said.

"Oh."

Calvin was getting nowhere.

Either this ghost didn't want to tell Calvin anything about his former life, or he really stupid.

"Another question, Spirit." Calvin said. "Do you eat kids?"

"I ate a Kid's meal once at McDonald's." The ghost said.

"But do you eat_kids_?"

"No."

Suddenly, It occurred to Calvin that he recognized that voice.

"Spirit? Do you have a name?" Calvin asked.

"Yes, but it isn't Spirit."

"I see. Well, we've eliminated that as a possibility, haven't we?"

"Yes."

"But instead of going down that long list of names, why don't you just _tell_ me your name?"

"Well, OK. Only if you promise not to eat me. My name's Hobbes."

HUH?

"Hobbes! Listen to me! This is Calvin!"

"Calvin!" Hobbes gasped. "Oh my gosh! The monsters got you! Calvin, I tried to save you but..."

" I know you tired, Hobbes. But, I'm sorry of all the bad things I said to you."

"Yeah, me too. Now please don't haunt me!"

"Yes, well, that's exactly what I was going to say to _you_, Hobbes. Please don't... Wait a minute! You're afraid I'm going to haunt _you?_"

"Yeah, and I promise not be bad again!"

Calvin rubbed his chin.

"Uh... Hobbes?" Calvin asked. "Are you a ghost?"

"Not that I know of." Hobbes said.

"Mmm-hmmm. So, uhhh... What are we doing here?"

"I don't know. But I want to know why you called me Spirit?"

"Never mind that. The bottom line is, is that I'm not a ghost."

"Oh. Well, that's a relief." Hobbes said.

"And do you know what this means?" Calvin said, lifting himself from the gunnysack. "It means that we can now stop believing in ghosts, and get on with our lives."

"Oh goody day." Hobbes said.

"Yep." Calvin crawled down from the gunnysack. "A ghost is just a figment of our... What are looking at, Hobbes?"

Hobbes was staring wide eyed at the back of the cellar.

"Calvin." He whispered. "There's a man standing over there."

"Impossible." Calvin said. "there wasn't a man when I came in here, and one certainly didn't come in after I went in the door. Hence, there is no man there."

"But I see him. He looks like a ghost."

Calvin chuckled.

"A ghost, Hobbes? Why don't you look closer. Maybe he's a pirate. Or a witch. Or maybe even a fairy! Hobbes when will you learn? What does it take to..."

Hobbes was backing up for the door.

"Calvin, I'm getting out of here, That guy doesn't look natural to me."

"Hobbes. Only a dope could be duped twice in one night. I've tried to explain..."

At that moment, Calvin heard voices.

Someone was singing.

...the same mysterious...

I turned and looked towards the... HUH?

There stood an old man, wearing a black coat.

He was holding a music book in his hands.

He glowed in the dark.

He looked a lot like a...

"Ya know, Hobbes, I think we should leave. It's getting kinda stuffy in here, and maybe we should step outside for a breath of fresh..."

THE DOOR SLAMMED SHUT!

Uh-oh.

Calvin and Hobbes were trapped inside the cellar with a...

Man, the longer Calvin looked, the more convinced he became.

That thing looked a lot like a...

GHOST!

In the darkness, Calvin and Hobbes listened to the song.

I mean, they didn't have much of a choice, did they?

It started out with just the old man singing, but then a whole bunch of voices joined in, until it was an entire chorus of voices singing.

Here's how it went.

Oh we are very happy where we are.

We have many things to do.

This song is the result of very hard work

Listen to the song, from very far.

We have eyes and ears and toes.

We have quite a lot of foes

Beware us when we are mad.

For what will happen will be bad.

We have brothers, sisters, and Mothers.

We have also a many Fathers.

Oh we are very happy where we are.

We have many things to do.

This song is the result of very hard work

This has been the song, from very far.

When the song was finished, the cellar fell into an eerie silence.

Then, Hobbes said, "Calvin? Do you know what I see?"

"I'm afraid so." Calvin said. "Did you hear what I heard?"

"I'm afraid so."

"Have you ever heard that song before?"

"Yeah. This evening."

"Hobbes? Do you believe in ghosts?"

"Yes."

"What are we going to do now, Hobbes?"

The ghost looked up from his music book, and stared at Calvin and Hobbes.

His right arm rose, and he pointed a skinny finger at them.

His lips moved, and he said, "Children! C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N!"

He started towards them- floating above the floor instead of walking!

Calvin's eyebrows shot upward, and became in danger of disappearing into his hair!

"Hobbes, I don't know about you, but I'm about to make a new door in this cellar! IT'S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!"

Calvin turned toward the wall, hit full turbo, and roared toward to the wall to knock it...

CRASH!

Uh.

Uhhhh.

UHHHHHHHH!

Snork murk, that wall seemed stouter than Calvin had thought and well, He decided to leave it standing.

Calvin looked up.

Hobbes had disappeared.

Dumb cat.

Calvin turned around, and aimed for the door, this time (Probably, a smarter choice).

Right before the ghost got him, Calvin roared toward the door.

CRASH!

Calvin probably fractured his skull.

But the good thing was that the door fell over, and Calvin escaped right before the ghost had him.

"TAKE THAT!" Calvin yelled after the ghost that was staring after him from the doorway. "YOU CREEPY, FLOATING, GLOWING PIECES ECTOPLASM MIGHT BE HAPPY IN THAT PLACE, BUT I'M HEADING AS FAR FROM HERE AS POSSIBLE! SO THERE!"

Calvin rushed into the house, zoomed up to his bedroom, and dove under the covers.

Hobbes was already there.

"How'd you get here, so quick?" Calvin muttered.

"Sorry. Classified information." Hobbes shivered. "nighty night."

Calvin didn't know how he fell asleep that night.

But he did, eventually.

The next day, on November first, Calvin was awakened by the screaming of Mom.

"HEY! WHAT HAPPENED TO THS DOOR TO THE CELLAR! WHAT IS MY MUSIC BOOK DOING HERE! WHY IS THERE A DENT IN THE WALL! **_CALVIN!_**"

Calvin and Hobbes woke with a start.

"Well," Hobbes said. "You're getting blamed for somebody else's action. I'm going back to sleep."

No matter how hard, Calvin tired to explain it, Mom would believe that a ghost took her music book, and started singing.

Calvin lost his candy.

Hobbes had complained on how _he_ had lost his candy too, even though he didn't do anything.

Although, the ghost never returned to Calvin's cellar.

And a sense of normal returned to Calvin and Hobbes household.

Tracer Bullet went and expected the cellar a week later, but found no evidence of a ghost.

Calvin never did find out what was in the cellar that night, on October 31st, 2005.

**The End

* * *

**

**Voice Work:**

**Pamela Segal:** Calvin

**Tom Hanks:** Hobbes

**Ryan Stiles: **Socrates

**Dakota Fanning:** Susie

**Tom Kenny: **guy at the doorways/the ghost

**Bill Murray:** Dad

**Jennifer Love Hewitt:** Mom

* * *

**Coming up next: **A CALVIN AND HOBBES TV MOVIE: Calvin's Batman Adventure 


	13. Calvin's Batman Adventure

**Summary: **Calvin and Hobbes go into a BATMAN comic and fight crime as Batboy and Battiger.

* * *

_Swing123: Calvin and Hobbes are pretty much the main characters here. Batman and Robin don't play much of a roll._

_Welcome to the Calvin and Hobbes: The Series Fanfiction premiere!_

**Calvin's Batman Adventure**

Calvin slipped a comic book into a slot. Beeps and whizzes sounded, as several light flickered in and off.

The green button marked GO shone brightly.

Calvin grinned.

"HOBBES!" Calvin called. "GET IN HERE!"

Hobbes opened the door to Calvin's room.

He took one look at the box on the floor, and slammed the door.

SLAM!

"Get in here!" Calvin spat.

Hobbes painstakingly entered the room.

"I'm going anywhere with you in that box!" Hobbes spat.

Calvin blinked.

"Come on, Hobbes. Nothing is gonna go wrong!"

"Just like when nothing went wrong in the Mesozoic Era, and in the Series of Unfortunate Events book, and Far Side book, and the duplicates, and the..."

"I mean besides all that!" Calvin said, waving his hand impatiently. "Come on Hobbes! Have I ever led you astray?"

"About ten billion times." Hobbes said.

"Well, ok." Calvin shrugged. "I guess I'll have to all these snacks by myself."

Hobbes' eyes popped open.

"Snacks? What snacks? What kind of snacks? Are they _good_ snacks?"

"Never mind." Calvin said, pushing Hobbes away. "You said you weren't coming."

Hobbes blinked.

"Well, I guess it's ok. If their good snacks that is."

"Great!" Calvin said. "Slip on you vortex goggles, Hobbes! Here we go!"

And with that, they disappeared into parts unknown.

"So where exactly are we going?" Asked Hobbes.

"One of my favorite comic books besides Captain Napalm!"

"Dare I ask?" Hobbes muttered.

"_Batman!_" Calvin grinned.

And then, with a blast of fire, Calvin and Hobbes landed in a dark alley.

"Ok, Hobbes." Calvin said. "If we want to fight for truth and justice along with Batsy, and the birdly wonder, we need to put on this!"

Calvin handed Hobbes a Batman outfit.

"I'm not getting into that." Hobbes said.

"Oh, come on!" Calvin insisted.

"I, unlike you, have pride." Hobbes said. "Besides, this comic book you used isn't even up to date! This is from 1992!"

"Well, I thought they had messed Batman up, already when they changed The Birdly Wonder's ID. Besides, I think Batsy looks better in blue, gray, yellow, and black. Put the costume on!"

Reluctantly, Hobbes took the costume, and slipped it on.

"Well?" Hobbes asked. "Do I dare ask how I look?"

"You like a bat/tiger mutant." Calvin said.

"That's what I was afraid of." Hobbes sighed.

"Oh well, we can just call you Battiger!" Calvin said.

"That sounds painful." Hobbes said.

Calvin slipped on his costume.

"How do I look?" Calvin asked.

"Like a bat/kid mutant." Hobbes said. "We can call you Batkid."

"Very funny." Calvin said. "I need a name that will match my personality!"

"In case, we shall call you Ding-dong boy." Hobbes said.

"Shut up." Calvin spat. "I guess I'll have to go with Batboy."

"That name's been taken." Hobbes said.

Calvin thought for a second.

"Let's see." Calvin said. "There's a Bat_man_ a _Robin_, a Bat_girl_, and no Bat_boy_. Don't you _read_ this comic?"

Hobbes sighed.

"Very well, we'll call you Batboy."

"Oh look!" Calvin said. "Here comes our chase to proof our selves!"

Hobbes lazily looked over his shoulder.

Sure enough, here came a gang of things. Each of them with shaved head.

"Hey look!" One of them yelled. "It's Batman!"

The gang laughed.

"Did you see any humor in that?" Hobbes asked.

Calvin shook his head.

"Hey Batsy." One of the thugs advanced over . "Ready for some fun?"

Calvin narrowed his eyes to slits.

"Let's dance!" He snarled.

Hobbes watched from a safe distance.

Calvin whipped out a batrang, and flung it at the thug.

It hit him in his leg.

"Oh man!" Calvin whined. "I was aiming for the head!"

The thug however, looked shocked that Calvin had weapons.

"Get shorty!" One of them commanded. "I'll get the tall one."

"Hey, I'm just an innocent bystander." Hobbes said. "Innocently standing by!"

One of the thugs dove for Calvin.

Calvin panicked, and ran in circles. In the process, he got the thug tangled up in his cape, and he collapsed.

Another one started to corner Hobbes.

Hobbes took a quick look at the thugs, and extended his claws.

"Back!" He snarled. "I'm a tiger/bat mutant thing!"

Dazed and confused, the thugs backed up.

Meanwhile, One thug threw a punch at Calvin.

Calvin was beginning to get the hang of the Bat-hero thing.

"HA!" Calvin screamed, whipping out a batrope. "You can not defeat Batboy!"

Calvin whipped the batrope around one of the thug's legs, and they fell over.

"Strike one for home!" Calvin screeched.

Hobbes seemed to have everything under control, too.

When a thug jumped him, Hobbes slipped his cape off, and trapped the thug in the cape.

Once inside, Hobbes became conveniently rough with the cape, until finally putting it back on, releasing the terrified thug.

The thugs ran off, horrified at the new super heros.

"Well, Hobbes." Calvin said. "We've had our first fight for justice! And we won! What a proud moment!"

"Indeed." Hobbes said. "Now, let's get out of here."

Calvin pulled one of those rope things, and pointed it skyward.

Hobbes did the same.

Calvin and Hobbes hit the buttons on the devices, and ropes shot out.

Once they hooked onto something, Hobbes and Calvin zoomed up through the sky, and onto a building.

"Come!" Calvin said. "Let us dramatically jump from building to building!"

"What about the Book Transport?" Hobbes asked. "We can't leave it here in thug alley."

"Good point." Calvin considered.

Calvin pulled a small remote control out of his utility belt, and hit the button.

Right before Hobbes's eyes, the Book Transport vanished.

"Now until I push that button again, the Machine is invisible."

"Nice touch." Hobbes said.

"Thanks."

"Your welcome."

Calvin rolled his eyes.

"Let's go." He said.

Just then, a newspaper blew into Calvin's face.

"ACK! MONSTER! GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME! QAAAAAA!"

"Calvin, it's a newspaper." Hobbes said.

"Oh yeah." Calvin grinned sheepishly, and read the headline.

**Mass Brake out in Arkum Asylum**

Please be on the look out on some of Gothom's most deadliest villians.

"Hobbes, look at this." Calvin said.

Hobbes leaned over and looked at the headline.

"It's listing off all of Batman's arch enemies! Look! Joker, Harley Quinn, Two Face, Mad Hatter, Penguin, Poison Ivy, Clayface, Killer Croc, Mr Freeze, Ras' Al Gaul, Scarecrow, Bane, Baby Doll, and the Riddler! Or as I like to call them, Laughing Moron, Hardly Quinn, Ugly face, Toothy, Sardine Breath, Plant lady, Mud brain, Alligator man, Dr Refrigerator, Mr Magic, Corncob man, Inbane, Toy Moron, and Question Mark Man."

"Gosh, Batman certainty has quite a collection of unrealistic villains." Hobbes said.

"Yeah I know! Did that Bob Kane guy come up with a great idea, or what?" Calvin grinned.

Just then, Calvin saw something out of the corner of his eye.

Hobbes saw it too.

"Either Gothom is being invaded by giant _pteredactles_, or I just saw Batty himself."

"HEY!" Calvin yelled. "I wanted to see him! What did he look like?"

"Well, not all that much different than the comic book." Hobbes said.

"Come on! Which way did he go?"

Hobbes pointed off to the southwest.

"LET'S GO!" Calvin bolted off.

Hobbes rushed to keep up.

Calvin jumped over the buildings, chasing the shadow off in the distance.

"Your Mom's not going to like the idea of you jumping across buildings like this." Hobbes said.

"Shut up!" Calvin yelled. "We're trying to keep a secret identity! My name's not Calvin!"

"Well, I didn't exactly say 'Calvin', Calvin." Hobbes muttered.

Just then, the shadow dropped down into a building and out of sight.

Calvin did a nose dive into the building.

Hobbes followed.

"How do you call a bat?" Calvin asked.

"Let me see your flashlight." Hobbes said.

Confused, Calvin gave Hobbes the flashlight. Hobbes turned it on, and set it on the table.

Then, he set his hands in front of it, in a weird shape.

"There. Homemade bat signal."

Calvin looked over at the wall.

Hobbes had his hands in the shape of a bat.

"very funny." Calvin said.

"hey what's that?" Hobbes asked.

Calvin listened.

"Voices!" Calvin said excitedly. "Let's go see!"

Calvin rushed down the hallway.

Hobbes had no choice but to follow.

Calvin reached a door, at the end of the hallway.

He peeked inside.

His eyes widened to the size of dinner plates.

"Hobbes?" Calvin whispered. "Do you know who's in there?"

"Please tell me it's a good guy." Hobbes said.

"It's Ugly Face!"

"Which Villain is that in your weird code?"

"Two Face." Calvin said.

"That's what I thought."

"Ok, Battiger." Calvin whispered. "We're gonna jump in there, and secure the area! I'll take on ugly, you do his men! And if one of us doesn't return... We've had a good friendship."

"Define good." Hobbes said.

"It's had its ups and downs."

"More downs than ups."

"Shut up, and get in there." Calvin mumbled.

Calvin and Hobbes burst into the room.

Two Face, and his men looked up.

"FREEZE TURKEYS!" Calvin screamed. "We have this place surrounded! You're under arrest, Ugly!"

"Oh look!" One of the men said. "It's Batman and Robin! How cute!"

Another thug drew out a knife.

"Shall I stick them on the wall?" He snarled.

Two Face stared at Calvin.

He drew his coin out of his pocket.

"Of corse!" Calvin screamed, throwing his arms in the air. "Can't make a choice without flipping a coin! MY life would be so darn boring if it had come down to heads or tails! Right Battiger?"

Hobbes had disappeared.

"You stupid cat! How on Earth do you _do_ that? Get back here. And fight ugly with me!"

"Well, Calvin," Hobbes' voice said. "I'd love to fight Two Face with you, but my leg's been acting up lately, and... OH THE PAIN!"

"Quit with the excuses, and get down here! He's just a half human half burned up monster."

"Bye Calvin! Good luck with the Ugly!"

"Wait Battiger! He's about to do his famous flip of the coin! Which I've seen about a billion times already, so it's not that much of a big deal, but still!"

Calvin then heard that famous flip, that you always hear every time you see that guy.

Calvin turned around.

Everybody watched the coin suspended in mid air for a second, then it landed in Ugly's hand.

It landed on a scratched up side.

"Of corse." Calvin said.

The thug grinned, and lurched for Calvin.

Calvin didn't seem worried at all.

Calvin held up, a yellow device, and pressed the red button in the middle.

Pop.

All at once, Calvin was holding the knife, and the thug was holding a rubber ducky.

He stared at Calvin in shock.

"Good old Time Pauser." Calvin said, throwing the knife away. "Never let me down, yet!"

Calvin grinned.

He was about to hit the button again, and escape.

But just then, Something that looked like a Giant Bat burst into the room.


	14. Calvin's Batman Adventure PART 2

_And now back to Calvin's Batman Adventure! On Calvin and Hobbes: The Series!_

"BATMAN!" Calvin screamed with glee.

Hobbes peeked out from behind a crate of boxes and looked at the Dark Knight.

Just then a part of the walls collapsed, and Robin burst in.

"And you're the Birdly Wonder Himself!" Calvin screamed.

Batman and Robin stared at the six year old in a Batman outfit.

"Get them!" Two Face screamed in his deep voice.

The thugs closed in on Batman, Robin, Calvin and Hobbes.

"Watch and learn, junior!" Calvin said to Robin.

Calvin whipped out a batrang and... Robin already had the thug down.

"HEY!" Calvin screamed.

"you're gonna gave to be faster than that!" Robin grinned.

"Alright!" Calvin turned to another thug.

Robin had him down.

Calvin turned to another thug.

Robin had him down.

"OH COME ON!" Calvin screamed.

"watch and learn, junior!" Robin said flying past Calvin.

"That's my line!" Calvin complained.

Hobbes grinned, and walked out from the crate.

Batman was closing in on Two Face.

Two Face whipped out a gun, but just then, Calvin dropped onto him.

"HA HA! DIE! UGLY FIEND! DIE! DIE! DIE!"

Two Face waved his hands around, trying to get Calvin off his head.

"Get off me you brat!"

Batman jumped back in alarm.

"HA HA! DIE FIEND!"

Batman and Robin gawked at the crazed kid on Two Face.

"Who is that?" Whispered Robin.

Just then, Hobbes leaped into sight for the first time, Batman and Robin directed their attention at Hobbes, as he flipped out a couple of batrnags, and tossed them at Two Face.

He collapsed, and Calvin fell off.

But right when Two Face looked defeated, he grabbed something from his pocket, pushed the button, and disappeared.

"Oh Darn it!" Calvin yelled. "We didn't get him! I hate when that happens!"

Just then, a hands closed over Calvin and Hobbes' cowls, and ripped them off.

"AAAA!" Calvin screamed. "We've been exposed! And only after five minutes of crime fighting!"

Robin ripped off Calvin's cowl revealing the yellow spiky hair of Calvin, and Batman ripped Hobbes' off, revealing Hobbes' orange head, with stripes.

Calvin and Hobbes spun around.

Robin was holding onto Calvin's cowl, and grinning, and Batman, had a hold of Hobbes'.

"Do you know what this means, Hobbes?" Calvin asked. "We'll have to change our names, move to another state, grow a beard and shave it off, then start all over, again! From now on, We're no longer Calvin and Hobbes!"

"Well, you've just told them our names." Hobbes said.

Calvin thought about that for a second, then slapped his forehead.

"Calvin and Hobbes, eh?" Robin joked. "What weird names for crime fighters."

"Oh really?" Calvin snarled. "Well, I suggest that you just keep it to yourselves that our names are Calvin and Hobbes, bucko!"

"Oh really?" Robin asked. "Why should we do that?"

"Because," Calvin said. "We know that Bruce Wayne is Bat-brain and Dick Grayson is the Birdly Wonder."

Batman and Robin stared at Calvin and Hobbes in shock.

"How did you know that!" Robin snarled.

"Lucky guess." Hobbes replied.

Batman grabbed Calvin by the shirt collar.

"HEY!" Calvin yelled. "My Dad's a lawyer! Don't lay a glove on me!"

"If you tell any one the secret, we'll be very grumpy. You don't want to see us when we're grumpy!"

"Fine! Fine!" Calvin said. "You don't tell anybody _our_ secret, we won't you!"

Batman narrowed his eyes, then put Calvin onto the floor.

"So, Guano-man." Calvin said, grabbing his cowl away from Robin. "are you gonna train us to be good fighters? Hobbes get you mask!"

Hobbes took his cowl from Batman, and slipped it on.

Batman and Robin exchanged glances.

"No." Batman said finally.

Calvin cleared his throat.

"I wonder if I could afford Neon lights to hang above your mansion saying "See here for glimpse at Guano-man and Bird brain"?"

Batman and Robin exchanged glances again.

They knew Calvin had them cornered.

Either teach Calvin and Hobbes the ropes, or loose their identities.

"alright!" Batman sighed. "Come on! You know how to use these right?"

Batman held up a Batrope.

"Are you kidding!" Calvin yelled. "I've been practicing that thing before I even got it!"

Calvin whipped it out, and pointed it at a building, and hit the button.

CRACK!

The rope shot out of the device, and hooked onto a building.

Calvin hit the other button, and zoomed off.

Batman, Robin, and Hobbes followed.

Batman and Robin spent the next few hours teaching Calvin and Hobbes the ropes.

Of corse, Calvin had to cause some trouble.

Calvin had arrested three old ladies for "illegal poodle ownership", bagged four Bull Dogs saying that they broke the fire hydrant Law of America, and turned in ten shocked people who had "illegally thrown candy wrappers into a trash can".

Hobbes, of corse, was Mr Perfect, and learned everything correctly.

Just then, the real test came, while Batman was explaining to Calvin that Poodle man wasn't a villain, Something hit the ground with a thump.

Batman, Calvin and Hobbes spun around.

Robin was laying unconscious on the ground, and _Killer Croc_ was standing over him.

He grinned evilly.

In quick response, Batman dove for Killer Croc.

Croc slapped Batman with one mighty WHACK!

Batman crashed into a building, and fell unconscious.

"AH HA!" Calvin screamed. "It's Bat-Guy's arch enemy! _Alligator man!_ Surrender fiend! Or face the wrath of Batboy and Battiger!"

Calvin looked behind him.

Hobbes had disappeared, again.

How'd that dumb tiger do that?

Croc threw his reptilian head back and laughed.

Calvin whipped out a batrang and flung it at Croc.

It bounced off his chest.

"Nice effect." Calvin observed. "Alright. Plan B!"

"What's that?" Croc snarled advancing over Calvin.

"Running for my life, screaming like a deranged loon." Calvin replied.

"good plan."

"I think so." Calvin spun around, and ran for his life, screaming like a deranged loon.

Croc grinned, evilly, and turned back to the unconscious Batman and Robin.

"Now, then!"

Just then, something dropped onto Croc's head.

It was Hobbes.

Hobbes had all paws extended with claws, and was scratching up as much of Corc as possible.

Croc screamed, and threw Hobbes off. However, like a tiger, Hobbes was able to maneuver himself around the alley with out crashing into things.

He leaped into the air, and pounced into Croc.

Croc must have been made of metal or something.

Anyway, Hobbes crashed into Croc, probably fractured his skull, and didn't make a mark on him.

Croc grabbed Hobbes by the tail, and lifted him, high above the ground.

"Could I just go back to the idea of hiding?" Hobbes asked.

"too late for that, now, cat!" Croc snarled. "I don't allow attacks without some kind of punishment!"

"I was afraid of that." Hobbes said.

Croc threw his head back and laughed.

"Release my friend, fiend!" shouted a voice.

Croc ripped around, Hobbes still in his hand.

Calvin was standing a few feet away, his cape blowing in the wind.

"Never fear, Battiger!" Calvin called. "I shall save you."

"Huh." Hobbes said. "I'm even more doomed than I thought."

Calvin ripped something out of his utility belt.

It was a rubber duck.

"Oops. wrong pocket."

Calvin pulled out a keyboard.

"That's not it either."

Calvin pulled out a Batman comic book.

"That's not it."

"See?" Hobbes said.

Croc growled, and dropped Hobbes.

He advanced over Calvin.

Calvin was in the process of trying to get a bazooka out of his belt.

"Now it's stuck!" Calvin said, embarrassed. "I doubt Batman has to go through this!"

"Maybe it's because Batman didn't carry TVs and wood stoves in his pocket." Hobbes advised.

"Hey my motto is always be prepared!" Calvin said.

"Is that a cement truck?" Hobbes asked.

"Yes, why?" Calvin asked.

"Just wondering." Hobbes said, rolling his eyes.

Croc grabbed Calvin by the collar.

"listen, punk," He said, dangerously. "I'm not in the mood for jokes! Now get out of my sight, or face the punishment!"

Calvin grinned.

"NOW I FOUND IT!"

Calvin held up a bottle.

Croc read the label.

"Lizard-Be-Gone?" He asked, confused.

"It even has a one hundred percent satisfaction grantee!" Calvin said. "See? Says so right here."

Calvin held the can over Corc's face, and sprayed it in his eyes.

Croc dropped Calvin and clutched his face.

He screeched, and tried to rub it out of his eyes.

"You are dead!" He screeched. "DEAD!"

Calvin read the label.

"if swallowed, please contact Poison Control Immediately. Gosh, Alligator Man, I hope I didn't get any of that stuff in your mouth!"

Croc stopped.

He smacked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, and then screamed, he then tripped and fell into the sewers.

"Did you really poison him?" Hobbes asked.

"Nah!" Calvin said. "It said 'will not have any lasting effect on lizards. Keep out of reach of children.'"

"You're a children, you know." Hobbes said, brushing himself off.

"No, I'm Batboy!" Calvin growled.

Just then, Batman and Robin came to.

"Well," Calvin said. "While you two were taking naps, I just dramatically defeated Alligator man."

Batman and Robin stared at Calvin.

"_you_ beat Killer Croc!" Robin said, shocked. "So quickly?"

Calvin held up a stop watch.

"It took me one minute thirteen seconds, twelve milliseconds." Calvin said.

Batman and Robin blinked.

"well," Batman said. "If you can beat Croc so quickly, I guess your in."

"Might I add he used shortcuts?" Hobbes asked. "I also have absolutely no idea where he got a can labeled Lizard-Be-Gone."

Calvin hid the can behind his back.

* * *

"So," Alfred said, later that day. "Shall I show Master Calvin the Batcave?"

Calvin ripped his cowl off, and turned to Hobbes.

"He called me _master_ Calvin! Can you believe that!"

"No." Hobbes said.

"You're Master Hobbes, right?" Alfred asked.

Hobbes took off his cowl, and grinned.

"Yes, as a matter of fact." He said.

"How dare you address Hobbes like that!" Calvin yelled. "_I_ am your master! On the floor, and give me twenty!"

Alfred rolled his eyes, and walked off, signaling for Calvin and Hobbes to follow.

As soon as Alfred opened the entrance to the batcave, the wreck was on.

Calvin slipped on his mask, and ripped about the batcave, knocking stuff off the tables in the process.

"BATBOY ZOOMS ACROSS THE SKY!" Calvin screamed.

Hobbes sighed, and shook his head.

* * *

After Calvin was shown the Batcave, they all went into the kitchen.

"I'm famished!" Calvin complained. "Crime fighting really does ya in! Here ya go, Horus."

Calvin flipped a plastic coin into Alfred's hands.

"It's Alfred." Alfred said, as Calvin grabbed a soda pop from the fridge.

"Alfred?" Bruce asked, coming down the stairs. "would you please watch over Calvin for me? Me and Dick are going "out" for the night."

"Of corse, Master Bru..."

"I heard that!" Calvin screamed, pointing a finger at Bruce. "Trying to get the slip on me, huh? Won't work, Bat breath!"

"He's worse than The Joker." Alfred muttered.

* * *

"BEWARE CRIMINALS!" Batboy screamed atop the roof of a building. "For there is a new form of bat-super heros mutant things! And we shall not rest until every criminal in Whatever city is brought to Just..."

"WILL YOU SHUT UP?" Screamed a resident in the building. "THAT'S THE FOURTEENTH TIME YOU SAID THAT! WE'RE TRYING TO SLEEP!"

Batboy crossed his arms, and his face fell into a pout.

"Huh!" He yelled. "It would appear that _some_ people don't care about the general public! SEE IF I SAVE **YOU** DUMBBELLS IF LAUGHING MORON AND QUESTION MARK MAN ATTACKS YOU!"

"Can we go now?" Robin asked, his head rested against the building frame.

"Yeah." Battiger said. "We've been here for three hours."

"What? Batman wanted me to make announcements, here." Batboy said.

"Batman has been gone for three hours." Battiger yawned.

"What, you think I didn't know that?" Batboy snarled.

"Notice that Robin has just vanished, too." Battiger said.

Batboy looked down.

Hmmm... It would appear that The Birdly Wonder had... well... vanished.

"Oh, I hate it when they do that!" Batboy muttered.

"Well, are we going to follow them, or stay here and scream 'til our lungs fall out?" Battiger said.

Batboy vanished.

"I'm guessing he chose number one." Battiger said.

"HEY!" Batboy called. "Wait for me!"

Robin dropped down into a building.

Batboy followed.

"Can't give me the slip so easily." Batboy muttered. "Where did he go?"

Battiger swooped down next to Calvin.

"Did you loose the birdy?" He asked.

"No." Batboy said. "I happen to know he's on this planet!"

"Brilliant, Holmes." Battiger said.

"Well, we better go look for them." Batboy said.

Batboy and Battiger left the building.

"Alright." Batboy said. "we are going to prove to Guano-man and Bird-Brain that we are worthy of being in their stupid team."

"Mmm." Battiger said. "how do you plan on doing that?"

"We are going to bring every last villain to justice!" Batboy snarled. "one at a time! I'll show them!"

Battiger rolled his eyes. "Right. which villain are you going to start with?"

"The most famous one of all!" Batboy grinned.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out the crippled newspaper.

"Laughing Moron!"

"I'm guessing that you're either referring to that whack who dresses up like a circus clown, or yourself." Battiger said.

"Ignoring that." Batboy muttered.

"Alright." Batboy said from atop the building. "First we have to _find_ Laughing Moron before we can defeat him."

"News flash." Battiger said.

"Let's see, Hobbes. If you were a demented, psychotic, grinning maniac, where would you hide?"

"A circus?" Battiger asked.

"No, there isn't a circus in Something City, right now. Where else?"

"Maybe that creepy building." Battiger pointed at a building a few feet away.

"Too obvious." Batboy said. "Laughing Moron may be a moron, but's he a moron in a moronically intelligent way."

"What a Moron." Battiger said.

"Tell me about it." Batboy said.

"Ok, Hobbes think! In the old TV show, where did Joker _used_ to hide?"

"I haven't seen the old TV show." Battiger said.

"How do you _survive_!" Batboy yelled. "alright! Forget that! I've got an idea!"

Batboy grinned like a maniac, and pushed a button on his belt.

Instantly, the Book Transport flew up to Calvin.

Only now, it was colored blue, and had the word _bat-thingy_ on it.

"Hop in, trusty sidekick!" Batboy yelled. "we shall search the old fashioned way!"

Battiger sighed, and got in.

Batboy and Battiger spent the next few minutes patrolling the skies.

"We still haven't found him!" Batboy declared.

"Terror." muttered Battiger.

"I wonder if any of my inventions could help." Batboy pulled out his Time Pauser, MTM, Transmogrifier gun, and mini duplicator.

"Hmmm." Batboy considered. "I wonder..."

Batboy held up his MTM.

He opened up the Main Menu.

_Oh Horror. Batman has come to arrest me._

"You have a sassy MTM." Battiger said.

"I know, isn't it great?" Batboy replied.

Batboy clicked around on the MTM for a second, and then with a blast of electricity, they vanished.


	15. Calvin's Batman Adventure PART 3

_And now back to Calvin's Batman Adventure! On Calvin and Hobbes: The Series!_

They instantly reappeared in the same building Two Face was in, two hours earlier.

Batboy and Battiger jumped out of the BAT THINGY, and rushed behind a crate and out of sight.

What are we doing?" Battiger asked.

"We're seeing if ugly here knows anything about the villain's whereabouts." Batboy grinned.

Seconds later, Two Face and his men entered the room.

"Where are they?" Two Face asked in his deep voice.

"The Riddler is still at the mini golf corse." One of the men said. "The rest of the gang is out in the control building, completely safe from..."

Before the man could finish, Batboy and Battiger watched themselves burst into the room in their Batman costumes.

Two Face, and his men looked up.

"FREEZE TURKEYS!" Calvin screamed. "We have this place surrounded! You're under arrest, Ugly!"

"Oh look!" One of the men said. "It's Batman and Robin! How cute!"

Another thug drew out a knife.

"Shall I stick them on the wall?" He snarled.

Batboy watched from behind the crate, as Hobbes rolled his eyes around, and ran out of the room.

"I ought to sue you for that." Batboy muttered.

Two Face stared at Calvin.

He drew his coin out of his pocket.

"Of corse!" Calvin screamed, throwing his arms in the air. "Can't make a choice without flipping a coin! MY life would be so darn boring if it had come down to heads or tails! Right Battiger?"

Calvin looked behind him.

"You stupid cat! How on Earth do you _do_ that? Get back here. And fight ugly with me!"

"Well, Calvin," Hobbes' voice said. "I'd love to fight Two Face with you, but my leg's been acting up lately, and... OH THE PAIN!"

Out of sight from everybody, Hobbes dropped behind the same crate that the future Batboy and Battiger were behind.

Batboy and Battiger stared in shock.

The past Hobbes had discovered them!

Hobbes looked from Batboy to Battiger. Then back to Batboy.

"Time Machine?" He asked.

"Time Machine." Battiger replied.

"Actually," Battiger said, as Batman burst into the room. "could I jump out from behind the crate, and rope ugly, again?"

"NO!" Batboy yelled, silently. "if you do that, you'll ruin the Time Stream!"

"How so?" Battiger asked.

"If you do that, then you'll have to relive everything that happened after that. Then when we go back in time, you'll rope ugly again, and we might make time stuck on that one event forever!"

"Ouch." Battiger said. "Alright. Nevermind."

Hobbes leaped out from behind the crates, and roped ugly down.

"Alright." Batboy said. "We have the info! Let's get to the Mini golf place!"

"I thought we were going to do the Joker." Battiger said.

"We need to do them one at a time." Batboy said. "We're doing question mark man."

"Um... Ok... Whatever you say." Battiger rolled his eyes.

Batboy and Battiger flew off.

* * *

They landed on the mini golf course on the edge of town.

"Yo Puzzlement Dude!" Batboy screamed. "We have come to dramatically defeat you! SURRENDER!"

No answer.

"Oh so _that's_ how ya wanna play, huh?" Batboy snarled. "Alrightee then! We will now sniff you out like blood hounds with deranged noses!"

Battiger rolled his eyes.

Suddenly, a voice rang out.

"Ah, Batman. I thought you'd come."

"We know not of this strange Batman, of which you speak." Batboy yelled. "We are Batboy and Batttiger! Beware our mighty strength! BEWARE!"

The Riddler came into view.

He stared at Batboy and Battiger with unblinking eyes.

"New kids to the block, eh?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

"You got that right, Question Mark Man!" Batboy spat. "We are the elite troops of the bat/hero/mutant things."

"Well," Riddler chuckled. "Let's see if you can live up to your name, shall we?"

Riddler pushed a button on a control panel, and white tiles surrounded the ground around Batboy and Battier.

"The floor here is rigged with a deadly mustard gas." he said. "One wrong step."

"HA!" Batboy screamed. "Batboy and Battiger aren't afraid of mustard! Do your worst!

Riddler grinned, and walked away.

"He's getting away!" Batboy yelled. "We must catch up!"

"And the mustard gas?" Battiger asked.

"Don't tell me you're afraid of hotdog ingredients!" Batboy asked, raising his eyebrow.

"Hoo boy." Battiger sighed.

Batboy turned back to the tiles on the ground.

"Let's see." He said. "Question mark man said he'd spray me with mustard if I took a wrong step. Now, we don't want that, don't you agree, Battiger? Of corse you do."

"Mm."

"We need to find the correct tiles to step on! But which ones?"

"Well," Battiger said. "Take a look at this."

He pointed at a tile.

Calvin stared at it.

"124,457,699.854 divided by 79 equals 789,367,000.5" He read. "Hobbes I don't have time for math! Question Mark Man is escaping!"

"Yes, but that's it." Battiger said.

"What's it?" Batboy asked.

"The tiles. If the math equation is wrong, we'll get sprayed with mustard. If the equation is right, we're safe."

"Hobbes, do you think I have time to count out every single tile in this mime field!" Batboy yelled. "I don't! I'm a very busy man! And Question Mark Man is even farther away from us, than when he was when we started this meaningless conversation!"

"Calvin, don't you have a calculator in there?" Battiger asked.

"No." Batboy said. "You can't fight crime with a calculator, Hobbes. No, I don't have a calculator."

"Then what are you doing with rubber ducks, and fruit shaped magnets?" Battiger demanded.

"Hobbes, I'm sorry, but that's classified information, and will not be released to the general public until June of 3005."

Battiger sighed, and shook his head.

"Luckily, I have something that might help us in this situation." Batboy said, holding up the Time Pauser.

Battiger stared at it.

"Why didn't you pull that out fifteen minutes ago?" He asked.

"More classified info, buddy." Batboy said.

And with that, Batboy pushed the button with Battiger at his side.

BOOM!

"Now come!" Batboy said. "Before Question Mark Man doesn't get any more farther away from us!"

Batboy and Battiger rushed across the tiles ignoring the equations.

Soon, Batboy and Battiger caught up to the Riddler.

He was casually walked off.

"Ha!" Batboy declared. "Quiz Guy is in for a rude awakening! Come on Hobbes, Let's go!"

BOOM!

Riddler spun around and stared at Batboy and Battiger.

"HA!" Batboy announced. "Fiendish fiend! You can not defeat Batboy and Battiger! And the sooner you except that, the sooner you'll be!"

Riddler grinned, casually, and threw a ticking bomb at Batboy that was in the shape of a question mark. Then ran off.

Batboy stared at it.

He turned to Battiger.

"He thinks he can scare me with a bomb! Man is he in for a..."

Battiger grabbed the bomb and threw it away as soon as he could.

Batboy glared at him, muttered unkind things, then both rushed off.

"Stop Mr Puzzle!" Batboy commanded. "I order you to cease and desist!"

Riddler kept running.

"Alright, you asked for it!"

Batboy grabbed a batrang, and pelted it at the Riddler.

It hit the road.

Batboy snapped his fingers.

"Darn!" he muttered. "I knew I had to work on that aim!"

Riddler ducked down into a subway.

Batboy and Battiger followed.

Calvin whipped out his Transmogrifier gun, and pointed it ahead of the Riddler.

ZAP!"

The doorway turned to a wall of solid brick.

Riddler stopped.

"HA!" Batboy yelled. "Nice try, mystery man! But you can't fool me! You shall soon fall under the control of Batboy and Bat..."

Batboy turned around.

Battiger had vanished again.

Batboy turned back to the Riddler.

"Forget everything I said about your name. I think your actually a... uh... cool guy, no kidding and uh... excuse me while I just slip away into the sunset, so to speak."

Riddler grinned, and started stalking Batboy.

"OK!" Batboy said. "You got me, but before you dismember me, I'd like to show and brag to you about some stuff I made."

Batboy held up a yellow device.

"The Time Pauser! Capable of stopping all time and whatnot!"

Batboy held up a water pistol.

"The Transmogrifier Gun! Proficient at changing stuff into other stuff.

Batboy held up a pencil.

"The Mini Duplicator! Duplicates stuff!"

Batboy held up a CD player.

"And the MTM! Mini Time Machine!"

Batboy crossed his arms and grinned.

"And if you want any of it, you'll want to give me a cool one million dollars. And ha, ha, ha. And ho, ho, ho. And hee, hee, hee. And I'll bet your mother wears gunnysack undergarments."

Riddler rolled his eyes.

This gave Batboy the opportunity.

He grabbed his Transmogrifier Gun, and pointed it at the Riddler.

ZAP!

Riddler's hands and legs fused together, and he fell over backwards.

Batboy whooped and hollered.

Then ran over to the riddler.

"Like I said." He yelled. "You can not defeat Batboy! HA HA HA!"

Riddler struggled, and muttered, and yelled several unkind things at Batboy.

Batboy grinned, and held up a walki talki.

"Hello, police? I have one disturbed person here, who thinks he's a question mark. Requesting backup at the subway, over."

Then Battiger dropped down from the building.

"Well, what did I miss?" He asked.

"Only the most coolest fight on the planet!" Batboy yelled. "While you were hiding, I gave him the old one, two, stuffed him into a little box, and then he cried for mercy, so I decided to let him live."

Riddler was about to protest, when Batboy kicked him in the stomach.

"Shut up, Puzzle guy, nobody cares about the opinion of a question mark." He snarled.

Then Batboy took his Transmogrifier gun, and changed the brick wall into a length of rope. He tied the Riddler up with the rope.

"Wait!" Riddler yelled. "What about my hands?"

Batboy looked down.

"Oh yeah, those." He yawned. "Not to worry, puzzlement dude. Transmogrification only lasts a day."

Just then the police arrived.

"Whoop! That's our cue!" Batboy said. "Come on, Battiger, we have many a villain to catch!"

And with that, Batboy and Battiger swung up to the building, and rushed off.

"Ok, Now who?" Battiger asked.

"I think we should do Laughing Moron, next!" Calvin grinned.

And with that, they flew off.


	16. Calvin's Batman Adventure PART 4

Batboy swung across the balcony and landed on the other side of the building.

"Alright, Battiger!" He yelled. "Laughing Moron is usually surrounded by grinning maniacs, and a tall woman that's dressed like a jack!"

"Why are you telling me this?" Battiger asked, leaping over to where Batboy was.

"Because you've never seen the TV show." Batboy said.

"Ah." Battiger said.

"And," Batboy continued. "Laughing Moron, usually is equipped with laughing gas! So be sure to stay on your toes."

"If you think I'm taking on a demented clown with laughing gas, then you don't know my sense of survival well." Battiger said.

"Come on, Hobbes!" Batboy yelled. "Your not going to become a super hero, if your hiding half of the time!"

"That's just fine with me." Battiger said.

"No it's not!" Batboy spat. "Now are you going fight crime with me, or cower under the bed and look simple?"

"Number two."

"Oh, no you aren't!" Batboy snarled. "Now come on!"

Batboy leaned over the building.

"Laughing Moron is in that shack over there. Laughing, no doubt. Now come on! We have to secure the perimeter!"

Batboy leaped off of the building. Battiger sighed, and followed.

Joker was sitting in a tall chair, and was (of corse) Laughing his head off.

"Did you get it!" He grinned.

One of his men dropped a bag of jewels onto the desk.

Joker grabbed one and studied it.

Then he laughed again.

"At this rate, all Gotham's crystals shall be mine in no time!"

"SORRY LAUGHING MORON!" Boomed a voice. "BUT SOMETHING CITY DOESN'T _WANT _YOU DO WHAT YOU JUST SAID!"

Joker looked up. So did his two men and Harley.

Batboy dropped out of the shadows, and landed on the desk.

"Surrender, Laughing fiend!" Batboy declared. "You can not possibly defeat Batboy and Batt..."

He spun around.

Battiger wasn't there.

He spun back to Joker.

"Defeat Batboy and Batboy! Surrender!"

Joker laughed.

"Who's this imposter?" He laughed.

"I am Batboy!" Batboy announced. "Defeater of all evil and evil like things. The new form of bat super hero mutant things! The new form of humans who have bat DNA! And you can not possibly..."

"Get him." Joker yawned.

Batboy raised an eyebrow, and turned his head 90 degrees to the left.

His goons were stalking for him.

Batboy sighed.

"Oh, please."

He whipped out his Transmogrifier gun, and aimed it at one of the gang members.

ZAP!

The member was instantly shrunk down to a mouse.

Then he turned it to the other goon.

ZAP!

He turned into a squirrel.

Batboy blew smoke off the top of his gun, the slipped it back into his pocket.

He turned back to Joker.

"Well, Laughing Moron, it's just you, me, and that weirdo over there dressed in red and black."

He spun around.

"Oh, good grief! I forgot about her!"

Harley made a dive for Batboy.

Batboy took one step to the left, and Harley crashed into Joker.

"Ah, heh heh heh." Batboy chuckled.

Then Battiger finally came into view.

He yawned, and flung a batrang at the ceiling.

It bounced off the ceiling, and zoomed out of the room.

"You missed!" Batboy yelled.

"No I didn't." Battiger said.

"Yeah you did!" Batboy yelled.

"No, I hit just what I wanted." Battiger said.

Joker got up from the ground, and started stalking for Batboy.

"You _did_ miss!" Batboy insisted.

"Well, maybe it was off by three centimeters, but I still hit the area that I wanted, and Joker's about to strangle you."

"That's no excuse, and don't argue with me! The point is that you missed! And furthermore, what did you just say?"

"I said, Joker's about to choke you to death." Battiger said.

Batboy sighed, with Joker only three feet away.

"First off, Hobbes. He's called Laughing Moron, not Joker. Joker is an extremely stupid name, and doesn't compare to... well, my name for him."

Just then a light came on in his eyes.

"Oh. You said he's going to... OHHHHHHHHH!"

Batboy spun around and threw a punch at Joker.

He missed.

Joker laughed and threw a gas bomb at Batboy.

Batboy leaped from the way, and started pelting Joker with toys he had in his pocket.

"DIE CLOWN GUY! DIE!"

Joker was hit by two pencils, three comic books, and a squirt gun.

He was able to dodge a toy truck though. That truck would've hurt.

Joker made another lunge for Batboy.

"Nighty Night, Kiddo!" He yelled throwing another gas bomb at Calvin.

The gas bomb went off, next to Calvin's feet.

"Nice try, you green haired, white faced, mouth breather!"

Calvin whipped a fan out of his pocket, don't ask me how he fit it in there, and started blowing the gas away.

Battiger, Joker, and Harley Quinn stared at Batboy in disbelief.

"He has everything in there except for the Kitchen sink." Battiger told Joker.

"Actually I have the kitchen sink in the third pocket to the left of the right glove by spike number two in category five in subcategory ten in subsubcategory thirteen in compartment six." Batboy said.

Battiger rolled his eyes.

"Where's the bathroom sink?" He asked.

"I stuffed it in bat ear number one." Batboy said.

Just then, Joker tossed a metal, wild card at Batboy.

It missed, but ripped his cape.

"HEY!" Batboy yelled, spinning around. "Now I have to sew that back before the next scene!"

Batboy held up his gloves.

The turned sharp, as if he were flexing claws.

"Prepare for your unwitting downfall, Laughing Moron!"

Batboy sent a handful of claws at Joker's face.

Joker laughed, and dodged.

"Battiger!" Batboy yelled. "Help!"

"Don't worry. My batrang hit the right spot." Battiger said.

"Your batrang did not hit the right spot!" Batboy screamed. "And do you know why? Because we were not aiming for the ceiling, you dunce!"

"I was." Battiger said.

"No you weren't!" Batboy said, tossing another toy truck at Joker. "And even if you did, it would prove what a moron you are!"

Joker laughed, and held a giant mallet over his head.

"HA HA!" He screamed.

Just then, a batrang flew into the room, and hit Joker in the head.

He dropped the mallet, and fainted.

Battiger nodded.

"Right on time. one batrang around Gothom in three minutes."

Batboy stared at Battiger, trying to figure out what to say. He decided to say nothing.

"Alright, Hardly Quinn!" Batboy said, whirling around. "You will now face your inadvertent end!"

Batboy handcuffed Harley.

"Calling all units!" Batboy said into a microphone. "We have one demented moron here, who thinks he's a circus, and another whack who thinks she's a jack. requesting backup, over."

And with that, Batboy flew off.

Battiger followed.

"Who's next?" Battiger asked.

"Counter Clockwise guy." Batboy said.

"Who?" Battiger asked.

"Or as you amateurs say, The Clock King." Batboy said.

"Oh great. Somebody who thinks he's a clock. Just what I need." Battiger said.

Batboy and Battiger flew over the building in search of their new victim.

They soon came to the Clock King's secret hide out, as all evil masterminds have.

Can you guess what it was stuffed with?

Clocks. Hundreds of them. Thousands of them. Each one ticking.

"Gee, this guy's obsessed." Batboy said.

"That ticking's going to drive me insane!" Battiger mumbled

He grabbed a clock off the wall, and started shaking it, violently.

Well, it was no longer going "Tick tick, tick." Now it was going "tolk, tolk, tolk."

Battiger squeezed his eyes shut, and threw the clock onto the ground with a SMASH!

"That's it, Hobbes!" Batboy said. "We'll have to destroy every clock in this hideout!"

"That could take years." Battiger sighed.

"Not with my amazing inventions!"

Batboy held up his Time Pauser.

"We can do it all in a second!"

"You have got to be kidding me." Battiger said.

Batboy shrugged, and hit the button.

CRASH! SHINGLE! BOOM! KING! SMASH! WHAM! CSSSSSH!

Batboy grinned over at Battiger, who rolled his eyes.

"Now, to find Schedule Man! Ready?"

"It's Clock King." Battiger said.

"**_READY!_**"

"Ready!"

"No need." Said a voice.

Batboy and Battiger spun around.

Um... correction. Batboy spun around. Battiger turned his head, and stared in the direction of the voice.

It was, of corse, the Clock King. Wearing his ridicules clock goggles, and that flawless brown suit.

"AH HA!" Batboy declared. "You have entered the hideout of Batboy and Battiger! Now you will suffer!"

"This is _my_ hideout." Clock King said.

"Yeah, well nobody cares about the opinion of a clock!"

Batboy glanced at his watch.

"Good grief! It's already Five o'clock! Where does the Time go?"

Battiger turned.

"What?"

"Dad usually gets to the house at five o'clock." Batboy said.

Battiger's eyes blanked out.

"The house is five o'clock?" He asked.

"No. The house is where he lives."

"Oh. I guess that fits but how..."

"The clock says five."

He glanced around. "where's the clock?"

"The clock is... it doesn't matter, Hobbes. Any clock would say it is five o'clock, because it _is_ five o'clock."

"How does a clock know what time it is?" Battiger asked.

"That's what clocks do, Battiger. They tell time."

"What do they tell it?"

"They tell it that it's five o'clock!"

"But wouldn't time already know what time it is? Why would it need a clock?"

"It needs a clock because...are you trying to make this complicated? I made the simple statement that it's five o'clock. Do you believe that or not?"

"Well... What about yesterday? Wasn't it five o'clock yesterday?"

Batboy stuck his nose in Battiger's face.

"Hobbes! Sometimes I think you're trying to make a mockery of my life's work. And furthermore, We're out of time for your foolish questions!"

"Well, it's about time!"

"Exactly." Batboy said.

Batboy whirled around to Clock King.

"Now then! You will now face dire consequences! Any last words?"

"Catch."

Clock King tossed a pocket watch at Batboy.

Batboy caught it.

"What's this supposed to do?" He asked.

"I think it's a bomb." Battiger said.

Batboy turned a murderous glare on Battiger.

"Who's in charge around here?" He demanded.

"Uhh..."

"Exactly! I am! Thus, I'll make the startling revelations!"

Battiger rolled his eyes.

"And I can now point out that this clock is actually A BOMB!"

"Oh my gosh."

"Exactly!" Batboy said. "Now I shall tosseth the bomb away, capture Mr Clock, and everything will be hunky dory."

"Well, you better hurry before it explodes." Battiger said.

"Shut up."

Batboy tossed the clock away.

It hit the floor, and exploded.

Batboy then turned his attention back to... Hmmm. Clock King had vanished.

"Stupid idiot." Batboy muttered. "He thinks he's a sneaky clock! Well he's gotta another think coming! Come on, Battiger, before he escapes!"

With a woosh of Batboy's cape, he vanished.

Battiger sighed, and followed.

Clock King was strolling towards one of those giant clock towers.

"HALT!" Batboy screamed. "Sorry schedule Guy! But your Family Reunion is canceled!"

It was then that Batboy realized that Battiger was staring at him.

"What?" He asked.

"Family Reunion?" He asked.

"Well, yeah." Batboy said. "He thinks he's a clock, and that's a clock tower and... don't you get it?"

Battiger gave Batboy a blank stare.

"Never mind. Let's get him!"

Batboy and Battiger zoomed in after What ever his name was.

"Prepare to be fried, Clock Guy!" Batboy called.

"This is about to much action for me." Battiger said. "I'll wait outside."


	17. Calvin's Batman Adventure PART 5

_Swing123: Since Christmas is coming up quick, I'm ending CALVIN'S BATMAN ADVENTURE here so I can start working on the Christmas special. I've ended it as best I could even though I'm going to exclude some of the villains._

Batboy leaped onto the stairs, and chased The Clock king up them.

"HALT!" He yelled.

The Clock King ignored him.

"DESIST!"

The Clock King ignored him.

"STOP, ALREADY!"

You can guess what reaction that got.

The Clock King rushed to the top of the tower, and tossed another exploding watch at Batboy.

Batboy ducked.

The watch flew over him.

Batboy lifted his head, and looked behind him.

"HA!" He yelled. "You sure have a lousy aim! And now you will perish!"

"Uh-huh." Said Clock King. "By the way, that was a boomerang watch."

"A what?"

Just then a watch hit Batboy in the back of his head.

"HEY!" Batboy yelled. "That's cheating!"

Batboy heaved the watch away, and it exploded.

He then turned back to The Clock King.

He was leaning on his Long Hand cane, and was grinning at Batboy.

Batboy flung a Batrang at him.

It missed.

"Your aim appears to be off, Batboy." Clock King said.

Batboy blinked. "Yeah, well, Same to you, bub! And I'll bet your mother tells time through a _sundial!_"

Clock King rolled his eyes.

Batboy whipped out a Batrang, and Clock King whipped out another clock bomb.

"Ah, so we're locked in a battle of wits, Mr Counter Clockwise!" Batboy uttered, his white eyes narrowing to slits. "Very well! We'll see who throws the first unrealistic yet extremely cool object!"

Seconds past.

Those seconds dragged into minutes.

Those minutes dragged into one hour.

By that time, Batboy thought he we would go nuts.

"Would you hurry up and throw that stupid bomb!" Batboy demanded.

Clock King blinked, but didn't move.

"Alright, bucko! Prepare for your biological clock to come to a dramatic standstill!"

Batboy heaved the Batrang.

Clock King calmly watched its progress as it bounced off the wall, hit the floor, and went out the window and out of sight.

Clock King then turned his eyes back to Batboy and proceeded to stare at him, with a self satisfied grin on his face.

Batboy blinked.

"Um... I can now reveal that you've fallen right into my diabolical plot!"

No response.

"No kidding! You're actually in terrible danger!"

No answer.

"You might as well turn yourself in to the cops! I'm as lethal as thirteen rattlesnakes with a headache!"

Clock King yawned.

"Uh... beware my power?"

Outside, the Batrang bounced off the streets, bounced off the clock tower, bounced off the police car that was going to get Joker, and flew back into the clock tower.

The Batrang hit Clock King in the head, and he fell over.

Batboy grinned.

"See! I told ya! And there's plenty more where that came from!"

Batboy whipped out his Time Pauser, and was able to tie up Clock King before he got up.

"Attention" Batboy said, walking down the stairs. "We have a deranged maniac who thinks he's a clock..."

"I DO NOT THINK I'M A CLOCK!" Clock King roared.

"Correction." Batboy said. "a deranged maniac who thinks he's the king of all clocks and that all his unworthy clock peasants should bow down to him."

Clock King started screaming several things that Batboy, that weren't very nice in his opnion.

Batboy marched out of the Clock Tower, and over to Battiger.

"Well." Batboy said. "While you were cowering under the bed, **I** just beat the stuffings out of ol' clock-o over there."

"You threw a batrang at him, missed, it bounced off several buildings, then came crashing in and conveniently hit him in the head. It was all a clumsy accident." Battiger said.

"Oh **YEAH**?" Batboy growled. "Well you're just UGLY!"

"Uh-huh." Battiger ignored him. "who's next? Dare I ask."

"Let's see, we did Laughing Moron, and the Clock Moron, and Puzzlement Dude, hmm... How about... How about Toothy!"

"Who?"

"Toothy!" Batboy said, impatiently. "Don't tell me you've never heard of Toothy!"

Batboy and Battiger stared at each other for a long moment.

Batboy sighed.

"Big hat? Big teeth? Ridiculous purple costume? Great obsession over _Alice in Wonderland_? Talks like Orlando Bloom? Am I ringing any bells?"

Battiger blinked.

Batboy's eyes squeezed shut.

"_The Mad Hatter?_" He said, finally.

"Oh him." Battiger said. "Where are we going to find him?"

"Quite simple actually!" Batboy said, matter of factly. "We just have to think like a Hatter. Whatever that is. Now Hobbes, If you were a hat, where would you hide out?"

"Las Vegas?" Battiger asked.

"No."

"New York?"

"No."

"Jefferson City?"

"No!"

"Oklahoma City?"

"No, that's wrong! And I'm afraid we're out of time!" Batboy spat. "I can now inform you that hats take refuge in _hat stores!_"

"Brilliant, Holmes." Battiger said, rolling his eyes.

* * *

Batboy and Battiger searched the entire Hat Store, but turned up nothing.

"Drat." Batboy said. "Somebody must have tipped him off about our arrival!"

"He's right over there." Battiger said.

Batboy spun around.

There stood the Mad Hatter. Staring at them with his teeth the size of a truck.

"AH HA!" Batboy announced. "So, Toothy! We meet again!"

"Toothy?" Mad Hatter asked, raising an eyebrow.

"That's correct!" Batboy yelled. "Your teeth are so big that the north end doesn't even connect to the south end!"

Batboy thought about that.

"Well, I guess that's a slight exaggeration. Nothing's so big that the north end doesn't even... Your teeth are big is the point! There as big as a garbage can! Or a whole pickup! Or a whole house! Or a..."

"I think he gets it, Calvin." Battiger said.

Mad Hatter snapped his gloves fingers.

All at once a giant cage dropped down on top of the two.

"HA!" Batboy declared. "You think this can stop us? We'll just use our mighty _BAT LASERS_ to..."

Mad Hatter reached into the cage, and punched the laser out of Batboy's hand.

"...Oh fiddlesticks." Batboy grumbled, as the Bat Laser hit the floor a few feet away from the cage.

"Wow that _was_ easy." Mad Hatter said. "Anyway, Taa!"

And with that, Hat man left.

Batboy and Battiger exchanged glances.

"Would you end this, and bring the Book Transport over?" Battiger asked.

Batboy hit a button on his utility belt, and all at once, The Book Transport was there.

Batboy hit another button, and a laser shot out of the box, and hit the cage, cutting it in half.

Batboy stepped out along with his kitty friend.

"Come, Battiger! We must defeat Th evil Mad Hat Tipper Guy!"

Batboy zoomed out of the room.

Battiger blinked.

He turned to the Book Transport. It had a button on it that greatly interested him. And for once It wasn't the HOME button.

Batboy flung himself onto the roof of the building.

There he met Mad Hatter, grinning at him.

"Prepare for the ultimate hurt, HATTY!"

Batboy screamed, insanely, and flung his fist at Mad Hatter.

If Batboy would've been three inches closer, he would've nailed the villain.

The point was, that Batboy hadn't got close enough before he threw the punch, and all at once we had one fist hovering inches from Mad Hatter's grinning face.

"This is awkward." Batboy said.

Mad Hatter grabbed Batboy's arm, and flung him off the edge of the building.

"YEEEK!" Batboy yelled, he grabbed hold of one of the gargoyles that were on the building.

"Oh Mr Ha-a-a-a-a-t!" Batboy sang. "I'm not plunging to my de-e-e-a-a-a-a-th!"

Mad Hatter looked over the ledge, and stared at Batboy, who was hanging from a thread, and sticking his tongue out at him.

Mad Hatter sighed.

"This is insane." He sighed.

He picked up a rock, and flung it at Batboy.

It missed by a few centimeters.

"HA!" Batboy yelled, clinging to the Gargoyle for dear life. "You missed! And I'll bet your mother wears **_A RED_** outfit with **_A YELLOW HAT!_** So there!"

Mad Hatter gave Batboy a blank stare.

"Is that your idea as an insult?" He asked.

"YEAH!" Batboy yelled. "And if you don't like it, then you can just start wearing **_RED_** clothing!"

"Give me a break." Mad Hatter said.

Just then, Battiger leaped from nowhere, and delivered a square punch right in the middle of Mad Hatter's... hat.

Well, his hat was bigger than the rest of his body, so it made sense that Battiger hit the hat instead.

Mad Hatter spun around.

Battiger landed, dramatically three feet from the villain.

He leaped up, and punched his gloved hand into his other gloved hand, and grinned a sneaky grin.

"Bring it on, Beaver man!" Battiger spat.

Meanwhile, Batboy was climbing back onto the building.

When he saw Battiger and Mad Hatter rolling around in circles, he grinned.

"HOORAY! GO BATTIGER!"

At last, Battiger overpowered Mad Hatter, and pinned him to the ground.

Batboy was cheering

"YAAAAAH! GOOD WORK BATTIGER!"

Battiger lifted himself from the ground, and bowed.

Then, and you won't believe this, Just then, Battiger vanished in a vapor of smoke.

Batboy's eyes popped open.

"HOBBES!"

He rushed over to the spot where Battiger had been before.

"You sacrificed yourself to save me!" Batboy sobbed. "I wanted to do that!"

Batboy started banging his hands into the ground, and crying.

"NO! Hobbes! You're gone forever! I'm sorry for all the tacky remarks I've said to you over the years!"

Just then, Battiger walked up to Batboy, holding an ice creme, and staring down at him.

"If only I could see your face once more!" Batboy sobbed. "I'd apologize for all the rude and tacky insults I've said!

Battiger popped the rest of the cone in his mouth, and continued to stare at Batboy.

"If I could just hear your voice again!"

Battiger smacked his lips, and coughed.

"Yeah! Like that."

Just then, Batboy's head came up, and he stared at Battiger.

"HUH!" He babbled. "But then! Who... what... did you... what did... you... Boy I sure get confused."

Battiger's eyes narrowed. "Exactly." He said. "Your confused, Calvin. That wasn't me! That was Socrates!"

"Itwasawhat?" Batboy said, quickly.

"Socrates agreed to stay here for one minute, to defeat Hatty." Battiger said.

There was a long moment of silence.

"So... that wasn't you?"

"MmmNo."

"Oh."

There was another silence.

"I knew it all along!"

* * *

Later, Batboy and Battiger learned that, Two Face and Killer Croc had been captured.

Then Batboy and Battiger started to get a little competition with Batman.

Batman captured Mr Freeze, and Ras' Al Gaul before they could.

* * *

"BACK!" Clayface screamed throwing his yellow clay hammer at Batboy, in the theater.

Batboy dodged it, and it crashed into a seat.

"HA!" Batboy yelled. "You missed! And I'll bet your mother did STOP MOTION ANIMATION!"

"Calvin, maybe you shouldn't be teasing him." Battiger said.

"What's the worse that could happen?" Batboy asked.

At that very moment, over five pounds of clay collided with Batboy's stomach, sending him crashing into the wall.

"That." Battiger said.

* * *

After they arrested Clayface, (which wasn't easy, mind you) Batboy and Battiger attacked Poison Ivy.

"Prepare for your doom, Plant Lady!" Batboy snarled.

Ivy clapped her hands, once, and all at once ten pounds of plant collapsed onto him.

"BATTIGER!" Batboy called. "I'm stuck! Throw me a vine!"

"Which one?" Battiger asked. "The one that's staring at me, or the one that's making that weird noise?"

After they apprehended Poision Ivy, Batboy and Battiger went after Penguin.

* * *

"DIE BIRD BRAIN!" Batboy screamed.

Penguin shot at Batboy with his umbrella, then made his getaway.

"BATTIGER! NOW!"

Battiger yawned, and dropped a net over Penguin's head.

* * *

It went on for this for the next few hours, as Batboy and Battiger attacked Scarecrow, and Baby Doll.

* * *

"Alright, Hobbes." Batboy said, a little later. "We have only one villain left, and we'll have succeeded in saving these dumb people from the forces of weirdness."

"I'm just glad we didn't have to fight any of the weird ones like Scarecrow or Baby Doll." Battiger said.

"Oh pish pash!" Batboy said. "We've fought our share of weird villains! Consider Laughing Moron! Or Clock Moron! Or Hattery Hat man!"

"Actually, all of Batman's villains are weird." Battiger said.

"Exactly!" Batboy announced. "And now we will attack Inbane! And then go home! Then live happily everly after!"

"Great." Battiger said. "And where do you plan on finding "Inbane"?"

"Well, think of it, Hobbes." Batboy said. "He's a muscular lunatic! He must be at a gym someplace!"

"A Gym?" Battiger asked.

"Yes of corse he is!" Batboy said. "Alright Baney! Say your prayers!"

"Are you sure it's not that guy?"

Battiger pointed behind Batboy.

He looked behind him.

IT WAS BANE!

"AH!" Batboy grinned. "You've fallen right into my trap, Brain!"

"Bane." Battiger corrected.

"Yes, of corse! Prepare for a lotta pain, Gain!"

"Bane." Battiger corrected.

"I'll speak for myself, Hobbes!" Batboy spat. "The word is **BLAIN!**"

"Alright." Battiger said, rolling his eyes.

Batboy turned back to the giant monster of a human.

"And now, Blag, you will face the awesome wrath of Batboy and Battig..."

POW!

One punch, and Batboy went flying through the air.

He landed in heap on the floor.

"Battiger! Run! Plague is taking countermeasures!"

A blur of orange, blue, and black exploded past Batboy, and all at once, Battiger was gone.

Batboy blinked, and leaped up.

"Prepare to be wasted, Plag!"

POW!

Another punch, and Batboy found himself staring at Bane upside down from a water tank.

He lifted himself from the tank and said, "You can not possibly defeat me, Flag! I am all powerful and..."

POW!

"WOULD YOU QUIT HITTING ME!"

POW!

Batboy lifted himself out of the snow.

"Alright, Wag! Prepare for your downfall!"

Batboy whipped out a batrope, and heaved it at Bane.

It wounded itself around Bane.

You can guess what good that did.

Bane flexed his muscles, and the ropes snapped.

"You've gotta be kidding me." Batboy snarled.

POW!

Batboy then went flying into a water tank.

"ALRIGHT!" Batboy screamed. "That's it! No more Mr Nice Batboy!"

Batboy started pulling things out of his utility belt.

"You're going down, Wab!"

Batboy started pelting Bane with several items in his belt.

Stuff like, oh, an entire Television set, a chair, three desks, a keyboard, a window pane, a chair, a clock, a refrigerator, a chair, a waste basket, a wood burning stove, a microwave, a chair, a pine tree, an oak tree, a chair, a apple tree, a chair, and a chair.

All the while, Batboy's name for Bane, "Wab", evolved into "1-800-2345-6666"

After he had run out of ridiculously large items to throw at Bane, Batboy ceased his insane massacre on the poor muscular lunatic.

Batboy studied the pile.

Bane wasn't dramatically emerging from it.

"And let that be a lesson to you, Mr Supercalafragilisticexpealedoses!"

Suddenly, a hand exploded from the pile.

Batboy looked around.

Bane was emerging, dramatically, from the pile of so forth.

Batboy gulped.

"Well so much for that idea." He said. "Plan B!"

Batboy held up a microphone.

"Requesting backup from Guano-man and Bird Brain. I repeat. Requesting backup from Guano-man and Bird Brain. And since I just like calling you that, I'll repeat it again. Requesting backup from Guano-man and Bird Brain."

At that very moment, A batrang hit Bane in the back of the head.

Batboy spun around to greet.

It was then that Batboy saw a terrible sight.

Hobbes.

Not Battiger. Hobbes.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT OF YOUR COSTUME!" Batboy screamed. "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE CARRYING A SECRET IDENTITY!"

"Uh-huh." Hobbes said. "By the way, Bane's making a grab for you."

"His name is 1-800-something, something, something-6666!" Batboy called. "And put that costume back on! Don't you want to be like Batman and Robin?"

"Not exactly, and Bane's getting closer."

"Alright!" Batboy yelled. "If you don't want to be Battiger, then, **I** don't want to be Batboy!"

Batboy ripped his cowl off, revealing his spiky head.

He flung the cowl over his shoulder.

"And I don't need _this_ either!"

Calvin ripped his cape off, and flung it over his shoulder.

"Or this!"

He ripped his utility belt off, and threw it over his shoulder.

"Or this!"

He flung both blue boots over his shoulder.

"Or this!"

He flung his grey sweat pants over his shoulder.

"Or this!"

He flung his gloves over his shoulder.

"Or this!"

He flung his grey shirt over his shoulder.

With all the costume off, Calvin was once again in his regular outfit of red and black

"What do you say to that?" Calvin demanded, crossing his arms.

"Beware of Bat-Bane." Hobbes replied.

Calvin tossed his head over his shoulder (Not literally), and it was then that he saw Bane.

He looked like an I-don't-what.

Like some kind of deranged bat with huge muscles.

"Well, whaddeyaknow?" Calvin cheered. "Blagwsg has turned over to the side of Justice, Batness, and really really weirdness. I guess this story has a happy ending after all, eh, Hobbes?"

"He's still about to strangle you." Hobbes said.

"What was that?"

"I said, Oh boy. batness. oh goody."

"That's the spirt, now if you don't mind, I'd like to get out of this stupid place.

With Bane only inches from Calvin's neck, Calvin hit the button on his remote control, and all at once, the Book Transport came roaring towards Calvin.

BONK!

With a cough and a stutter, Bane keeled over backwards.

Calvin looked down at him.

"Oops, sorry, Bhjbasg, get out of the way."

Just then, Batman and Robin flew up.

"What are you doing here!" Batman demanded.

"Well, until you came along, I was going to leave." Calvin said.

Batman and Robin exchanged glances.

"But you beat all our villains!" Robin said, "Aren't you going to stay?"

Calvin thought about that.

"Nah!" He finally decided. "I only did this 'cause I was bored. Get in the box, Hobbes, we're going home!"

Hobbes turned to Batman and Robin.

"Apparently, we have to go now." He said. "bye, bye, birdy. I'll remember you all in therapy."

And with that, Hobbes climbed into the box with Calvin hit the HOME button.

ZEEEEEAPP!

The box, Calvin and Hobbes, shrunk down into nothingness.

Batman and Robin exchanged glances.

"I'm leaving the area for a few days." Robin said, walking off.

* * *

Calvin and Hobbes then reappeared in their livingroom.

"WEWH!" Calvin sighed. "I'm never reading that comic book again for three days."

"Amazing." Hobbes said. "Get me out of this Death Trap you call a box."

Hobbes stumbled out of the Book Transport.

He turned a menacing glare on Calvin.

"Next time you invite me to take part in a ridiculous scheme, again, remind me to rip your lips off."

And with that, Hobbes stalked out of the room, leaving Calvin alone.

"Well." He said. "There's a moral to all this, I suppose."

Calvin leaped out of the box and rushed for the closet.

"Whatever it is, I have absolutely no idea what! NOR DO I CARE! HA HA HA!"

Calvin pulled a _Superman_ comic book out of his bookcase.

Calvin slipped the comic book into the slot.

The GO button on the machine began to glow bright green.

"Oh, Ho-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-bbes!" Calvin sang, pulling two Superman costumes out of his drawer.

**The End**

_Swing123: This will be the first story in CALVIN AND HOBBES: THE SERIES to include voice work at the end! If you look back at earlier stories, you'll see I've added voice work in for them, too. I'll do this for the rest of the stories.

* * *

_

**VOICE WORK**

**Pamela Segal:** Calvin

**Tom Hanks:** Hobbes

**Tom Kenny: **Batboy (announcing voice)

**Regular cast:** villains/Batman/Robin/Alfred

**Dee Bradley Baker:** Miscellaneous voice work

* * *

**Coming up next:** "The Night of the Living Television" 


	18. The Night of the Living Television

**Summary: **Calvin accidently brings the TV to life, when he tries to get every channel in the world.

* * *

_And now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series_

**The Night of the Living Television**

Calvin watched in pure envy as The Dirkins set up a Direct TV ADVANCED up on their roof. Hobbes was watching too, but his expression was less lethal.

Just then, Dad came out of the house, and hauled the garbage outside.

Calvin's eyes shot at Dad like bullets.

"Why don't we have that kind of TV?" He whined, as Dad heaved the garbage bag into the Garbage Barrel.

"We don't need that kind of TV, and you know it." Dad said. "As far as _I'm_ concerned we have to stay far off from the pace of life. Not only does it Build Character, but it causes less stress."

"Fine, then!" Calvin yelled. "You can stay out of the pace of life! But why do you have to make _us_ suffer? We are probably the only people on this _planet_ that have satellite!"

"Now that's what I mean," Dad objected. "these inventions are constantly changing, and getting more expensive. Why should one constantly have to update his or her item every few months?" He pointed at the Dirkins new dish. "It's pointless!"

"No it's not!" Calvin yelled, but he left it at that. He knew trying to convince his dad of something was like talking to a tree stump.

Calvin went complaining into the house.

"It just isn't fair!" He yelled. "Susie's getting Direct TV, and I'm _not_!"

"Well, at least our station still gives us Nickelodeon and Boomerang." Hobbes said.

"Big deal!" Calvin yelled. "Do we have the Starz Super Pack? Do we have surround sound? Do we have anything else besides ten or fifteen channels!"

"Not exactly." Hobbes said. "I think we have CNN, Nickelodeon east and west, Boomerang, a little bit of Cartoon Network on the weekends. Court TV, some other channel a couple of Music Choice, MSNBC, FOX, three or four of the Starz networks, another movie channel and A&E."

"See," Calvin screamed. "We have barely have any channels at all!"

Calvin stormed up to his room, and stared out the window into Susie's house.

"Look at them!" Calvin yelled. "All gathered around their unworthy TV! What are they watching anyway?"

"That horse movie called Dreamer, I think." Hobbes said.

"WHAT A WASTE OF PERFECTLY GOOD TV!" Calvin screeched. "I'm sick of our station!"

And with that, Calvin pulled something out of his drawer.

Hobbes watched,

"Calvin what are you doing?" He asked.

Calvin held up a small item that looked like a band aid, and shoved it in Hobbes' face.

"This Hobbes, is the T.R. (TV Restoration) device. I've been saving it for just such an occasion."

Calvin walked over to the window.

"It directs all of the TV power around this state to our own living room! All I have to do, is connect this baby to the electric box, and badda bing, badda boom! The ultimate TV package is ours!"

"But won't you Dad notice the change?" Hobbes asked.

"Of corse not." Calvin said. "The only channel_ he_ watches is A&E. and Mom only watches Starz and CNN. Only we will notice the difference."

"Mmm-hmm." Hobbes said. "I have a bad feeling about this."

"Why?" Calvin asked. "Since when have my inventions done anything otherwise than make our lives easier?"

Hobbes immediately started thinking about the Duplicator, Time Machine, MTM, Mini Duplicator, Book Transport, Time Pauser, Transmogrifier, and now this.

"I'm not even going to answer that." Hobbes said.

"Oh, Boo hoo, for you." Calvin said. "You don't want the ultimate package? Fine. But I'm hooking this up to our power box!"

Calvin then ran out of the room.

Hobbes turned to the audience.

"You know what's going to happen, and I know what's going to happen." he said, and then walked out of the room.

Calvin rushed to the other side of the house, and opened up the power box.

He grinned, and attached the Band Aid, TR, whatever to the electric part.

Electricity surged around the TR, and wires shot out, and started attaching themselves to several places.

Calvin slammed the Power Box door shut, and grinned.

Calvin ran back into the house.

"Ok," Calvin said. "The TR should be properly installed in fifteen seconds."

Calvin and Hobbes watched the clock.

5...4...3...2...1...

At that very moment Calvin's house, Susie's house, and all the other houses in the area became victim to an intense power surge.

For 45 seconds, there was no light, and Calvin and Hobbes had been plunged into total darkness.

"Hey! A Power failure!" Dad yelled.

As soon as the words left his mouth, the power came back on.

Calvin winked at Hobbes, and whispered, "Direct TV, here I come!"

* * *

That night, around midnight, Calvin got up, thinking that he needed a midnight snack.

Calvin yawned, and walked for the kitchen.

Just then, he noticed a glowing in the living room.

Calvin's eyes widened, and he peeked into the living room.

The TV was on, and was on a NFL Sunday ticket channel.

Calvin grumbled, and walked for the TV.

He reached forward, and turned the TV off.

He started walking away, but then, the TV turned back on.

Calvin turned his head around, and stared at the TV.

He grunted, and walked back over and turned it off.

He placed his hands on his hips, and stared at the off TV.

It didn't turn back on.

Calvin grunted with satisfaction, and turned to leave.

The TV came back on.

Calvin whirled around, and glared at the TV, murderously.

"I command all idiot ghosts in the area to stop turning on this TV! I don't care if Football is on!"

Calvin switched the TV off.

It came back on.

"Oh, now your mocking me!" Calvin growled.

He marched over to the side of wall, and ripped the plug out.

The TV faded into black.

"Take that, TV dwelling ghosts!" Calvin spat. And with that, he turned to leave.

The TV came back on.

Calvin stopped.

He turned around, and stared at the TV.

He looked at the plug. It was on the floor, motionless.

Calvin looked back at the TV, blazing through the livingroom.

He looked back at the plug.

He blinked,

"Well that's just downright creepy." He said.

Calvin backed out the livingroom, and ran up the stairs.

"Hobbes! Hobbes! Come look!"

Hobbes shot out of bed.

"Pass the biscuits ribs and rickets!" He yelled in his sleep. "Help Murder Maday!"

His eyes came into focus, and he stared at Calvin.

"You have ten seconds to put me in a better mood." He growled. "I was just having a dream about the world's largest can of salmon."

"It's the TV!" Calvin yelled. "No matter how many times I turn it off, It just keeps coming back on! I even unplugged it, and it's still on!"

Hobbes sighed, and got out of bed.

"No sleep, tonight, I see." He sighed.

He and Calvin ran downstairs to the livingroom.

Calvin pointed at the TV.

"See there! It's alive! It's haunted! It's... It's..."

The TV was off.

"But come look!" Calvin yelled. "I unplugged it, and it came back on!"

Calvin and Hobbes rushed over to the wall.

The plug was in its socket, right back where it belonged.

Calvin and Hobbes stared at it.

Calvin turned a nervous grin onto Hobbes.

Hobbes squeezed his eyes shut, and started walking off.

"If I'm lucky, I'll have forgotten this by the morning." He grumbled, walking up the stairs.

"But... it... ghost... it... they... I'm sure it was..." Calvin babbled.

He hung his head, and gave the TV a murderous glare.

"I despise haunted TVs!" He warned it.

He went complaining and grumbling back up to bed.

He gave the TV one last look from the doorframe of his room, then closed the door.

The TV faded back on.

* * *

The next day, Calvin sat in the livingroom.

Calvin was eating Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs, and Watching Nickelodeon.

Suddenly, the screen started glowing green. Spongebob started turning grass green. green.

"Hey!" Calvin yelled. "What's going on?"

Calvin rushed over to the TV, and started messing with the color knobs.

Some form of invisible things were trying to adjust the color and picture to a certain way.

Calvin noticed on of the knobs would slowly turn, stop, then another one would start to turn.

Calvin constantly tried to get the knobs to stop moving.

"Oooh, what do we have here?" Calvin asked reaching into his pocket. "A Time Pauser. Capable of stopping this injustice once and for all!"

Calvin hit the button.

BOOM!

Calvin chuckled, and looked over at the TV.

His grin faded.

He screamed.

Only then did Calvin realize that the TV was adjusting the color, black level, and so forth enough so that a face was showing through!

That's right, Calvin made out the profile of two sinister eyes, a bent and ugly face, and sharp teeth.

Even though Time had been stopped, Calvin was throwing glances over his shoulder.

He pushed the button again, and started time up.

Calvin switched the TV off.

It came back on.

Calvin unplugged the TV. It came on anyway.

Calvin took his baseball bat, and started whacking the TV with it.

No good.

Calvin screamed and ran upstairs.

"HOBBES! HOBBES! THE TV! IT'S HAUNTED! IT'S ALIVE! IT'S CREEPY! **_HELP ME!_**"

Hobbes gave Calvin a blank stare.

"Yes, of corse it is, Calvin. Is this a Stupendous Man, Spaceman Spiff or Tracer Bullet thing?"

"It's not!" Calvin screamed. "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! THE TV IS ALIVE!"

"Uh-huh." Hobbes said.

Calvin didn't watch TV at all that day.

He did everything he could to avoid it.

* * *

That night, Calvin peeked around into the livingroom.

The TV was on. Considering what we've just seen, that's not to surprising, is it?

Calvin stared at the TV.

The color had been adjusted and messed with so badly, now, that a horrible face showed through.

It was mumbling to itself.

"Alright!" Calvin yelled, making th TV look around. "I've caught you now."

The horrible face looked Calvin over.

The face was all wrinkled, and the eyes were red. Its nose was just two slits above its gaping mouth, it's round head was bald, it floating against a glowing green background, and there were arranged rows of slicing teeth in its mouth.

"Who are you?" The TV hissed in raspy voice.

"I am Calvin!" Calvin declared. "I am the owner of this TV. And I command you to... go away."

"AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!" It chuckled with a wheezing voice. "You are the one who brought me here. How can I go away?"

"Because if you don't, Mom will freak out when she gets up." Calvin growled. "And what do you mean, I brought you here? I did no such thing."

"You but that electronic strip on the power box." The TV hissed. "All the TV signals in this state was directed right to this house. Causing me to come to life. And I like this strength."

Calvin blinked.

"Yeah, well, same to you, bub!" He yelled. "Get out of here, so I can watch my shows!"

The TV laughed again.

"Still, I have little strength." It said.

"Good for you!" Calvin mumbled, losing his patience.

"If I can connect with every TV in the world, other than every one in this state, then I will rule supreme!"

"Sorry, gruesome!" Calvin yelled, "But you can't do that!"

He leaped for the power strip.

"I wouldn't do that, Calvin." The TV said. "unless you want five million volts of electricity surging through you.

Calvin stood up.

"You can't take over the world, bloody!" Calvin growled. "Dad won't allow it!"

"But I can." The TV said. "And I will. If you just look at the little red dot in the middle of the screen, then we can get along just perfectly, and you can make a more powerful strip. Watch the red dot."

Calvin turned away.

"HA! Nice, trying to hypnopotomize me your TV tricks! But it won't work!"

Calvin backed up from the TV.

"I brought you into this world, and I'm gonna take you out!"

Calvin burst out of the house.

He ran through the inky blackness of the night to the power box.

He ripped it open, and made a grab for the TR.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!

"AAAA!"

White power zapped through Calvin.

Calvin collapsed, and smoke rose from him.

"AH HA HA HA HA!" The TV Screamed with laughter. "You can't stop me!"

Calvin looked up.

The telephone line started to sway, then lines broke off, and hurled for Calvin.

The all wrapped around Calvin's waist.

"YAAAAAAAAAH!" Calvin screamed, as the telephone lines lifted him upward, and started swinging him around.

A fat man opened up the drapes to his window, and stared outside.

He spotted the telephone lines swinging the screaming Calvin back and forth.

"Mmm-hmmmm." The man said, closing his drapes.

The telephone lines smashed Calvin into the Dirkins house, then into his house.

Calvin soon broke free and fell to the grass.

Calvin picked himself up, and spit grass and dirt out of his mouth.

Just then, Calvin heard a familiar sound.

He looked up, and saw the lawn mower roaring towards him.

"AAAAA!" Calvin screamed running away from the mower.

The lawn mower chased Calvin around the house four times, until the gas went out.

Calvin ran out of the yard and into the empty street.

Calvin was panting.

Just then, Susie's garage door opened. Then Moe's garage door opened.

Everybody's garage doors opened, and all the cars started.

Calvin looked around.

"I think I'll just step into the house, here." Calvin said, running into the house.

As soon as Calvin entered the house, the fridge door shot open, and food started bombarding him.

"AAAAAAA!" Calvin screamed, dodging the mayo, mustard, peanut butter, and ice creme.

Calvin rushed away from the fridge.

Then the egg beater started.

Calvin looked up.

The egg beater burst out of the drawer, and shot for Calvin.

"YAAAH!" Calvin screamed, dodging the punch.

Calvin rushed away. The Egg beater followed.

Finally it caught up, and started beating at Calvin's legs.

Calvin lifted a foot, and brought it down hard onto the machine.

CRASH!

Then Calvin heard a sound from the bathroom.

Calvin looked up, and saw the shaver rocketing for Calvin.

Calvin whipped his Transmogrifier gun out of his pocket, and zapped it, turning it into a hamburger.

Then the window broke, and the phone lines shot for Calvin, again.

They grabbed him, and stated to pull him outside again.

But they past Calvin's room in the process.

Calvin gave Hobbes a calm request for help.

"**_GET UP YOU FURBALL, BEFORE IT KILLS ME! ARE YOU GOING SLEEP WHILE THE TV TRIES TO MURDER ME!_**"

Hobbes sat up in bed, and stared at Calvin.

"HELP!" Calvin screamed as th phone lines ripped Calvin out the window.

Hobbes stared out the window at Calvin being thrown around again.

Then a light came on in his eyes.

"Oh. OHHH!"

Hobbes leaped out of bed, and scrambled downstairs.

"Ah, ah, ah." The TV said. "Bad kitty!"

The telephone rose from the hook, and bolted at Hobbes.

Hobbes dodged it, and raced for the door.

Just then, the fridge started pelting Hobbes with ice cubes.

Hobbes received a couple of blows but managed to get outside.

Hobbes stared at the screaming Calvin being thrown around on the telephone line.

"Don't worry Calvin!" Hobbes called.

Hobbes ran to the streets, and...

Just then, all of the cars started, and started rolling fo Hobbes.

"YIKES!" Hobbes yelped.

As The Dirkins' car zoomed for Hobbes, he jumped on top of it, and rode it into the ditch.

Then all the other cars started coming for Hobbes.

Hobbes started dodging all of them.

Hobbes raced for the side of the house, and started climbing up a ladder to the top of the roof.

When he got to the top, he raced over.

"Calvin!" He called. "Try to get it to swing over here!"

Calvin gave Hobbes a bewildered stare.

"Never mind. Ok, Plan B!"

Just then, more phone lines snapped, and grabbed Hobbes, and lifted him into the air.

"Or maybe Plan K."

All at once, Calvin and Hobbes were both being tossed around.

"HELP!" Calvin and Hobbes both screamed.

Just then, Calvin saw something sitting on the corner of the window in his room.

Just as the lines flung him at the window, Calvin grabbed it.

It was his Time Pauser.

Calvin hit the button, and the phone lines instantly froze.

BOOM!

Calvin tucked the Time Pauser into his pocket, then started pulling against the lines, finally, he broke free, and started falling, as he fell, The Time Pauser turned back on.

BOOM!

Calvin fell for the ground, and got up.

He grabbed his Transmogrifier gin out of his pocket, and pointed it at the phone line Hobbes was tangled in.

ZAP!

The phone line turned into a mouse, and both fell for the ground.

Hobbes got up, and raced for Calvin.

"Now what are we going to do?" he asked.

"We might try dodging that car." Calvin said.

Calvin and Hobbes leaped from the way, as a car roared past them.

"Ok, Now what?" Hobbes asked.

"The TR did this." Calvin whispered. "It turned the TV into a monster! We have to get rid of it, right away!"

"I'll do it," Hobbes said, pointing at the power box.

"No, it's protected. But if you distract the TV, I can zap the TR, and get rid of it."

"Right!" Hobbes grinned.

Hobbes raced into the house.

"Hey TV!" Hobbes screamed. "You couldn't catch a flea on a grandpa's knee! And ha, ha, ha! And ho, ho, ho! And I'll bet your mother wears overshoes!"

"You dare insult me!" The TV screeched. "No person shall insult me!"

More windows broke, and the phone lines zapped in for Hobbes.

They grabbed Hobbes by the arm, and started to yank on him.

Hobbes struggled against it, then cut the two lines on the broken glass.

"HA! YOU MISSED ME!" Hobbes laughed.

The TV growled, and turned a sharp glare on the computer a few feet away.

Hobbes and the TV stared at the computer as it shook and sent sparks into the air.

Hobbes blinked.

Then electricity shot out of the monitor, and nearly hit Hobbes.

"YIKES!" Hobbes yelled, leaping from the way.

Calvin rushed over to the Power Box, and ripped it open.

A long stream of white electricity shot out.

"AAAA!" Calvin said, falling over backwards.

Then the phone lines grabbed Calvin, again.

"Oh, terrific! Not again." Calvin yelled.

But instead of tossing Calvin around for a third time, the phone lines flung Calvin at the window.

"AAAAA!"

CRASH!

Calvin broke the window, and fell into the carpet in the livingroom with a thud.

Right now, you may be asking, why on Earth isn't someone coming out of bed to investigate? Well, most of the people were lazy bumbs around there, and others appeared to be _really_ heavy sleepers.

Calvin got up from the carpet, and faced the laughing TV.

"You can not distract me with such foley rot!" The TV laughed. "You might as well, surrender."

Calvin whipped his Transmogrifier Gun out.

"EAT TRANSMOGRIFICATION, CREEPY!" Calvin yelled.

The TV grinned.

The Transmogrifier gun started to hiss and sizzle.

"YAAH!" Calvin said, throwing it away.

Suddenly Hobbes leaped out and attacked the TV.

"Down, kitty!" The TV yelled.

Hobbes looked behind him, and screamed.

The Time Machine was bumping down the stairs, and then attacked Hobbes.

"BACK!" Hobbes screamed. "BACK YOU MACHINE THAT I KNEW WAS ALREADY EVIL!"

While Hobbes was busy with the Time Machine, Calvin started to panic as the MTM attacked Calvin.

"WONDERFUL DEVICE!" Calvin yelled. "WHY HAVE YOU BETRAYED ME?"

The MTM answered by shooting electricity at Calvin.

"YAAH!" Calvin said, dodging it.

"WHA, HA HA HA HA HA HA!" The TV laughed.

But after fifteen minutes, of Calvin screaming his head off and not surrendering, the TV started to get bored.

"Do my bidding, Calvin, and I'll leave" The TV compromised. "you'll never hear from me, again!"

Calvin stared at the TV, then plunged into his very last idea.

"Alright!" Calvin yelled. "but first make this thing stop attacking me!"

The MTM dropped to the ground.

"Make a more powerful strip." The TV commanded. "Then I can take over the world."

"Right!" Calvin grinned.

"CALVIN!" Hobbes yelled, kicking the Time Machine away for the sixtieth time. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"

"Just help me make the strip, Hobbes, I think you'll find the design interesting."

Calvin spent the next few minutes preparing the next strip.

When he was done, the TV looked it over.

"Put it over the computer." The TV ordered.

Calvin held the strip over the computer.

A light shot out, and scanned it.

"Ah good, more powerful. yes. Put it on the Power Box.

Calvin walked outside, and opened the power box.

He peeled off the old strip, and slapped the new one on.

Calvin cam back into the house.

The TV blinked.

"It should take fifteen seconds to be properly installed." Calvin said.

Calvin, Hobbes, and the TV all watched the clock.

5...4...3...2...1...

Electricity surged through the TV.

"AH! Yes! I can feel the power surging through me now!" The TV declared. "Delicious power! How I crave it! How I love it! How I..."

Just then, the electricity stopped.

"Hey!" The TV yelled. "What gives? Where's the power?"

"Right here." Calvin said, lifting his wrist up showing his watch.

He pushed a button on the watch.

The face on the TV turned to static for a second, then came back on.

"HEY!" He yelled. "What's going on? I can't control any of objects around me!"

"BINGO!" Calvin yelled.

He hit the button on his watch.

ZZZZT!

The TV went out for a second, then came back on.

"STOP THAT!" The TV commanded. "It's weakening me!"

"Power surge!" Calvin shouted, hitting the button.

ZZZZZTT

"AAAAHHH!" The TV moaned.

"There's another one!" Calvin yelled hitting the button, again.

ZZT!

"YEEEEK!"

"Man they're everywhere!" Calvin grinned hitting the button several times.

ZZT! ZZZT! ZZZT!

"AAAAAAAAAA!"

"Whu-oh!" Calvin said, holding his hand over his head. "Here comes a power _outage!_"

Calvin slowly headed for the button.

Smoke was rising from the TV, and it was glaring at Calvin.

"Fine!" he growled. "Fade me out! But heed my words! I _will_ come back! And will I do..."

"Blah, blah, blah!" Calvin yelled. "This is the most boring part of the episode! Hero defeats villain, and villain threatens to come back, more powerful than ever! We've heard it all before, Charlie!"

Calvin hit the button.

"NOOOOOOO!"

The TV yelled, fading into blackness.

"Wow." Hobbes said. "We just saved the entire world. And no one will ever know."

"Yeah." Calvin said. "that ultimate package wasn't everything it was cracked up to be anyway. tomorrow morning, I'm taking both T.R.s, and throwing them away."

"That's the spirit."

"And no one will ever be the wiser." Calvin said.

"Unless they get tipped off about who wrecked their houses." Hobbes said.

"Unless they what?" Calvin asked.

Hobbes sighed, and shook his head.

"I'm going back to bed." He said, and with that, he left Calvin alone in the smoking trashed livingroom.

"Maybe Mom and Dad won't notice!" Calvin called.

"Ri-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ght." Hobbes said.

Calvin grumbled, and ran up after him.

**The End

* * *

**

_**EPILOGUE:**_

_**The next day, everybody woke up to find their cars missing and their house trashed. The neighborhood had a suspicion for who did it, but there was no linking him to the crime. construction workers later said that the phone lines had been snapped due to a lot of electricity centered in one place. They never found how that happened, or how most of them seemed to have landed in Calvin's house. Nor did they find out how all of the cars on the block started themselves, and rolled down the street for several blocks.**_

_**Calvin threw the TRs away, much to the delight of Hobbes, and Calvin never complained about having an inferior TV service again.**_

_**The Dirkins eventually got rid of their Direct TV ADVANCED, saying that it was to much of a distraction around the house. And of corse, Calvin had to rub it in with Susie.**_

_**It hasn't helped their friendship.

* * *

**_

**Voice work**

**Pamela Segal: Calvin**

**Tom Hanks: Hobbes**

**Bill Murray: Dad**

**Ben Stine: The guy that goes "Mmm-hmmm"**

**Eric Roberts: Demented TV**

**Dee Bradley Baker: Narrator/miscellaneous voice work

* * *

**

**Coming up next: **A Calvin and Hobbes Christmas


	19. A Calvin and Hobbes Christmas!

**Summary: **Calvin and Hobbes travel to the North Pole to prove to Santa that's he good. However, he ends up doing more than he expected...

* * *

_Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, The Calvin and Hobbes Christmas Special!_

_Christmas choir: OOOOH OOOOH OOOOOOH!_

_Who has the best Christmas special around?_

_CALVIN AND HOBBES!_

_At a wonderful place where you never frown?_

_CALVIN AND HOBBES!_

_unwrapping presents as we speak?_

_CALVIN AND HOBBES!_

_Adventurous, bold and sometimes meek?_

_CALVIN AND HOBBES!_

_Oh, Calvin and Hobbes!_

_Calvin and Hobbes,_

_Calvin and Hobbes,_

_Calvin and Hobbes Christmas Special!_

_Laa, laa, laa, laa, laa, laa, laa, laa, laa laa, laa, LAA!_

**A Calvin and Hobbes Christmas**

Calvin set the toboggan on the top of the hill.

"OK, Hobbes, hop on." Calvin said.

Hobbes looked down the hill.

"Do you have some sort of secret insurance policy on me?" He asked.

"Get on the sled, you big sissy." Calvin said.

Hobbes sighed, and got on.

"You know, these things should really come with air bags." Calvin commented.

Hobbes pushed off, and they roared down the hill.

"Well, Hobbes it's the 24rd." Calvin said.

"Yup." Hobbes said.

"Christmas is in tomorrow."

"Yup."

"And you know what that means."

"Nope."

"I have to be **_EXTREMELY_** good if I want Santa to give me everything I wished for."

"Uh-huh. Have you been a good boy this year?"

Calvin ripped his head around to Hobbes.

"**_WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?_**" He screeched. "**_I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN A PERFECT ANGEL THIS YEAR! NO FLAWS! LIST OFF ALL THE TERRIBLE THINGS I'VE DONE THIS YEAR! I DARE YOU!_**"

"Hmmm..." Hobbes said. "There was the Time Pauser that happened this year, then you rigged the house and destroyed your parents' home, then you wrecked your dad's office, then there was the incident that involved television when you said it was going to take over the world, then you..."

"All of those things are ancient history!" Calvin insisted. "Santa's not going to care what I did months and months ago!"

"The TV incident was pretty bad." Hobbes considered.

"It was no more terrible than tripping on the sidewalk!" Calvin urged.

"We're about to hit a tree."

"That's no excuse, and don't argue with me! The point is..."

CRASH!

Ouch.

It would appear that Calvin's sled had just collided with... well, a tree.

And the next thing Calvin knew, he was laying face down in the snow more than fifty feet from the wreckage.

He got up, and staggered over to where Hobbes was laying which was around twenty five feet from the tree.

"Why didn't you tell me we were about to hit a tree?" He demanded.

Laying back down into the snow, Hobbes stared at Calvin, trying to decide what to say to this lunatic. He decided to say nothing.

Back at the house, There were Christmas songs playing on the radio, and the Christmas tree shone brightly in the semi-darkness.

Dad was sitting in a chair, reading a book, and Mom was watching Frosty The Snowman.

Calvin and Hobbes walked into Calvin's room.

"Well, Hobbes, I'll have to begin my ten spontaneous acts of goodwill."

"Uh-huh" Hobbes said.

"I shall begin by singing a Christmas carol." Calvin declared, and with that, he burst out with,

"_On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, 12 snowballs whacking!_

_11 water balloons splashing!_

_10 bowls of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs!_

_9 driving lessons!_

_8 Televisions_

_7 bunny slippers_

_6 cats of pranking!_

_**FIVE BILLION PRESENTS!**_

_4 internet modems_

_3 Time Pausers_

_2 flamethrowers!_

**_AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE!_**"

Calvin started bowing left and right.

"You certainly know how to raise the old Christmas Spirt." Hobbes said.

"Yeah, I know, am I great or what?"

"Now what?" Hobbes asked.

Calvin looked outside, and thought.

"I will... Huh... lets see here. I will... make a flawless snowman!"

Calvin and Hobbes rushed outside, and Calvin started to make a snowman.

"This will be the snowman to top all snowmen." Calvin declared. "People will come from distant lands like harmonica and babooska to see my mighty snowman, which..."

"Your giving it a second head." Hobbes said.

Calvin paused, then caught himself giving the snowman another head.

Calvin threw it aside into the snow.

"Sorry, old habits." Calvin said.

Calvin then went on babbling about how great the snowman would be.

"This will be a strike for great culture and literature! Such as the samurai from Ancient California! They will rise up, and..."

"Your giving it three eyes." Hobbes said.

Calvin grumbled, and threw the extra rock away.

"Now then, as I was saying, they say that art is dead! But this literate, cultured, enlightened, educated from shall raise art from the grave and..."

"Now your giving it two noses." Hobbes said.

Calvin threw his hands up in the air, and hollered, "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE ART, WHEN YOU'RE BREATHING DOWN MY NECK! I ASSURE YOU, THIS WILL BE A BEAUTIFUL WORK OF CRAFTSMANSHIP!"

And with that, Calvin whirled back to his snowman, and preceded.

"I wouldn't be so upset about how you were making it, if it wasn't next to the highway." Hobbes said.

"OH BE QUIET!"

Calvin spent the next few minutes carving out the snowman. When it was done, it looked like an I-don't-know-what. Like some kind of demented wolverine with two heads, and three noses.

Calvin caused many swerves on the road, that day.

"Well, Hobbes, what do you think?" Calvin asked.

"Adjectives fail me." Hobbes said staring at the disturbed snowman.

"Ok, maybe it didn't turn out _exactly_ how I wanted it, but it's still a strike for..."

Just then, a snowball collided with Calvin's head.

Calvin went flying into his snowman.

Calvin moaned, and lifted himself out of the snow.

Then he spotted his disembodied snowman.

"NO!" Calvin screamed. "My snowman! It's _ruined!_"

Calvin picked up the snowman's head, and started wailing.

"So young! So innocent! So incapable of life's many challenges!"

Calvin stopped sobbing, then studied the severed head.

"Actually, it isn't all that terrible." Calvin grinned, placing the head in the snow. "A few more of these things, and I just might have this thing in the bag!"

Calvin lifted himself out of the snow, and it was then that he saw... Moe.

Moe was laughing his head off, along with his other two thugs.

Calvin and Hobbes stared at them.

"Don't you just hate critics?" Hobbes asked.

"That's it!" Calvin growled. "I'm going to teach that goon a lesson, he'll never remember!"

Calvin ripped a snowball out of the snow, and took aim.

"But this is your big chance!" Hobbes said. "If you don't throw it, then you'll have a big deed of good! Think of that?"

Calvin thought.

"I DON'T WANT TO BE _THIS_ GOOD!" Calvin yelled.

"It's your big chance." Hobbes said, crossing his arms.

Calvin narrowed his eyes to slits, and dropped the snowball.

"HEY TWINKY!" Moe called. "NICE AIM, PUNK! YOU WERE ABLE TO HIT THE GROUND! HAW! HAW! HAW!"

Calvin's face started turning several colors, that Hobbes had never seen before.

"He's right in range, Hobbes." Calvin hissed.

"True," Hobbes said, starting to worry about how long Calvin could keep this up. "but your supposed to be mature of such things."

Moe was now sticking his tongue out at Calvin.

"HAW HAW! YOU COULDN'T THE BROAD SIDE OF A BARN, TWERP!"

"Just walk away." Hobbes said, starting to back up.

Calvin's eyes were aflame.

His teeth were gritted, and he was moving his jaw back and forth as if thinking about crushing something between them.

He snatched up a snowball and pelted it.

POW!

"AH HA!" Calvin screamed, bolting off. "I DID IT! HA HA! I'M NOT SORRY! HA HA HA! I'D DO IT AGAIN IN A HEARTBEAT! SWEET REVENGE! _REVENGE!_ BWA HA HA HA HA!"

Hobbes sighed, and stared over at the crater of snow where Moe had been standing, and Moe, who was laying five feet form the wreckage.

When Calvin burst into the house, laughing and screaming his head off.

"Well, he just destroyed somebody, again," Dad said, not looking up from his book.

Calvin exploded into his room, screaming.

Hobbes followed.

"I wonder what would happen if too much coal got piled into a stocking." He said. "I wonder if it would stain the thread."

Calvin must not have heard, because he was still laughing his head off.

But then, he stopped laughing.

"Oh no!" he yelled.

"Yup." Hobbes said, "Santa will take a shovel to the reindeer stall to fill _your_ stocking."

"Oh my gosh!"

"Indeed." Hobbes said. "And what do you plan to about it?"

"This!"

Calvin ran into his closet and pulled out...

A cardboard box.

Calvin heaved it out of the closet, and turned to Hobbes.

He had disappeared.

Calvin sighed.

"I don't have time to deal with you, Hobbes. Either get in the box or stay here. I'm going to the North Pole."

"I'll stay here." Hobbes' voice came from the closet.

"Very well." Calvin said. "I'm going to meet Santa, and you're not."

Calvin climbed into the box.

There was a moment of silence.

"GET INTO THIS BOX, YOU FURBALL!"

"No."

"Then, I'll force you!"

Calvin ran into the closet, and the wreck was on.

Calvin and Hobbes rolled across the floor, but Calvin finally froced him into the box.

"You're coming with me, if you like it or not!" Calvin yelled

"It's just an airplane?" Hobbes asked, nervously.

"Yup."

"No time Travel?"

"Nope."

"No duplication?"

"Nope."

"No movie traveling, book traveling, time Pausing or transmogrification?"

"Nope, nope, nope, and nope."

"Alright, I'll come."

Calvin started acting more enthusiastic.

"Alright Hobbes! Slip on your vortex goggles! We're off!"

ZOOOM!

With a blast of sound, Calvin and Hobbes exploded out the window.

"Where'd they go?" Winslow the Monster asked.

"I dunno." Maurice the Monster replied. "Something about a guy called Sandy Clothes."

"Never heard of him. Is he a movie actor?" Winslow asked.

"Do I look like a movie expert?" Maurice demanded.

Calvin and Hobbes blasted across the landscape.

"Calvin how do you know if we're going north?" Hobbes asked.

"I don't." Calvin said.

"I KNEW IT!" Hobbes yelled. "We're doomed!"

"Wait!" Calvin yelled. "I'll just set the coordinates on the box for NORTH POLE."

Calvin started typing on a message on a small keyboard.

A message came back on the small screen.

_Joe's grill have the best burgers in town!_

Calvin and Hobbes exchanged glances.

Calvin retyped the message.

Another message came back.

_Hi, we can't come to the foam right now. Just leave a mess, and we'll go back to sleep._

_Disregard previous message._

_Preparing coordinates. _

_PLEASE STAND BY._

_three..._

_two..._

_one..._

_Two..._

_Three..._

_Seventeen...!_

_Four and Twenty Blackbirds baked in a pie._

_WARNING! DISC FULL!_

_Drive slow, old cats_

_burp._

_Two equals three._

_Have a good day good day good day good day_.

_SYSTEM FAILURE!_

_SFJDIRNDEJGEJ!_

_SJDUTK!_

_FNBVKJDVVTRGGJDBFGYEBDIRB!_

_ZJHE!_

_SFJ_

_Y_

Calvin grinned at Hobbes, sheepishly.

"Alright, no sweat." He said. "I'll just switch it over to manul."

Calvin hit a few switches, pushed a couple of buttons, then the machine started off.

After a while, the machine was hovering across water with ice burgs all over.

"So, where's Santa's workshop?" Hobbes asked.

Calvin looked around.

He saw...

Baran landscape.

"I dunno. It has to be around here, somewhere."

Calvin and Hobbes landed the box, and got out.

They looked around.

Nothing.

They exchanged glances.

"Wait! What's that?" Calvin asked.

Calvin and Hobbes rushed over to a pole sticking out of the ground.

Calvin stared at it.

"It's the North Pole." He said.

"It's the wha...?" Hobbes asked.

"Nothing." Calvin said. "But what's it for?"

Calvin held out his hand, and pushed the pole froward.

Suddenly, the ground beneath them vanished.

"YAAAAAAH!"

Calvin and Hobbes plunged straight down into the snow.

PLOP!

Hobbes was the first to stop screaming, open his eyes, and look around.

Calvin however, was still screaming.

"AAAAAAA! Ehhh.. AAAA! AAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAA...! ooooPH!"

Hobbes grabbed Calvin's lips, and the screaming finally stopped.

Calvin opened his eyes, and looked around.

They were in a giant workshop.

Calvin leaped up.

"We did it, Hobbes!" he yelled. "We made it to the Santa's workshop!"

Just then, a small elf walked past.

He stopped, and stared at Calvin.

The elf was wearing a red and green outfit. He looked not that much different from a kid, except he had pointy ears.

"Who are you!" he demanded in a squeaky voice.

Calvin blinked.

"I'm uhhh... I'm... uhh... Zippy?"

"What are you doing back here?" The elf asked.

"Nothing." Calvin replied.

"Who's he?" The elf asked, pointing at Hobbes.

"You know, I'd love to stay and play twenty questions, elfy." Calvin said. "But I gotta go."

Calvin led Hobbes away.

The elf scratched his chin in suspicion, then walked off.

"That was close." Calvin sighed.

"Why don't you want people to know you're here?" Hobbes asked.

"Hey look!" Calvin yelled suddenly. "It's the "filing room"!"

Hobbes stared at it.

"What's that?" He asked.

"It's where the files for the kids go! Let's go look!"

Before Hobbes could stop him, Calvin burst into the room.

Calvin immediately went for the "C" drawer, and started filing through names.

"Let's see, Chuckie, Camcorder man, Charlie Brown! I'm not here!"

Meanwhile, Hobbes had found his record and was reading through it.

Hobbes the tiger

Bengal Tiger

age: unknown

"Hey Calvin!" Hobbes called. "Look."

Calvin leaned over and looked at Hobbes' file.

"I'm clean! Look, I've done no bad things this year!" Hobbes said proudly.

"Can't say much for your precious buddy." Calvin said, holding up a folder. "I've just gone through Socrates' folder. He's done three hundred forty thousand and two bad things this year!"

"Where's your folder?" Hobbes asked, putting his file back into the "H" drawer.

"I can't seem to find it." Calvin said, stuffing Socrates' folder back into the "S" drawer. "It's not even in the Naughty Drawer."

"That's weird."

"WHAT?"

"Nothing."

Just then, Hobbes spotted another door.

"Could it be because you have your own room?" Hobbes asked.

Calvin turned around.

The door had the word "CALVIN" written on it.

"Wow!" Calvin grinned. "I have my own _room!_"

"How lucky are you?" Hobbes asked, rolling his eyes.

Calvin ran in, and saw that the room was as long as a cruise ship.

Bookcases ran along the walls, each of them stuffed with folders each marked Calvin.

Calvin ran farther into the room and picked up a folder.

Calvin

Age: 6

Hobbes walked up to Calvin.

"How many bad things did you say Socrates did this year?"

"three hundred forty thousand and two" Calvin replied.

"And how many bad things have you done this year?" Hobbes asked.

"Nine hundred ninety-nine trillion, nine hundred ninety-nine billion, nine hundred ninety-nine million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine." Calvin replied, grumpily.

" Uh-huh."

Calvin crammed the folder back into the bookcase, as Hobbes picked up another.

"Bad thing number 73,406." Hobbes read. "Bringing TV to life, and destroying half the block."

"I don't even remember if that even happened this year!" Calvin yelled.

"It happened just two or three of weeks after Thanksgiving." Hobbes said.

Hobbes flipped through the file, then came to Calvin's latest deed.

"999,999,999,999,999." He read. "forcing innocent tiger friend to take part in lunatic trip to North Pole. Hmmm..."

"GIVE ME THAT!" Calvin screamed, grabbing the folder away from Hobbes and stuffing it back into the bookcase.

Calvin and Hobbes then continued their exploration of Santa's workshop.

They walked into a circular room filled with doors.

"Wow!" Calvin exclaimed. "All these doors! Leading to a different part of Santa's home! Why isn't my house like this?"

Hobbes looked around.

"Where are we going to go?" He asked.

Calvin looked around.

He spotted a door marked "Loading Dock"

Calvin rushed towards it.

"Come on! I'll bet this is where they load up the goodies!"

Hobbes sighed, and followed Calvin.

They came into a room filled with elves.

Each of them was passing a present to each other, and putting them into a pile which got put into a giant bag at once.

Calvin and Hobbes exchanged glances.

"These people sure have they're work cut out for them." Hobbes said.

"HEY!" Yelled a voice.

Calvin and Hobbes spun around.

There were two elves standing next to the door, glaring at Calvin and Hobbes.

"Why aren't you in your uniform?" one of them demanded.

"Yeah!" Squeaked the other. "And what are you doing away from your post?"

"Uh..." Calvin rolled his eyes around. "Well, you see..."

"No time for excuses!" the first elf said, pushing Calvin forward. "Christmas is tomorrow! You need to get working!"

"Oh yeah?" Calvin growled.

"Yeah!" both said at once. "Who are you anyway!"

"Oh..." Calvin started. "I'm... uh... Zippy?"

"Glad to meet you." One elf said. "I'm Zipper, and that's Zapper."

"Nice." Calvin said.

He turned to Hobbes.

"Alright, _Nappy_." Calvin said, winking at Hobbes, "We better get to work."

Hobbes sighed and shook his head.

Calvin and Hobbes dressed up in green and red uniforms and started loading presents.

"Alright, Hobbes." Calvin whispered. "When no one's looking, we'll jump onto the conveyer belt, and ride over to Santa's sled."

"Joy." Hobbes replied.

When they were so none of the elves were watching, Calvin and Hobbes leapt onto the belt, and it started to carry them away.

"There's just one thing wrong with this idea, Calvin." Hobbes said.

"What?"

"This belt is meant for gifts and boxes. It's not safe for Huma–"

Hobbes was cut short, when the belt suddenly ended, and Calvin and Hobbes found themselves flying down a winding slide at a speed of seventy miles per hour.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Calvin and Hobbes screamed, as they fell downward.

The slide went up and down, left and right, north and south, and north eastern west.

So did Calvin and Hobbes.

At last, they both collapsed into a heap of presents.

Calvin opened his eye a crack, and looked around.

He opened the other eye, and grinned.

"Oh Hobbes!" He called. "Look what I found!"

Hobbes opened his eyes and stared around.

"We just landed in Santa's sleigh!"

"Aren't we lucky?" Hobbes muttered. "Now we'll be delivered along with the rest of the presents."

Calvin peeked over the side of the bag and... gulp... it was pretty far down.

"I wasn't aware you could buy bags this big." Calvin said.

He looked over at Hobbes.

"Now what do we do?"

Hobbes peeked over the side of the bag and nearly had a heart attack.

"Alright." Calvin said. "We'll slide off the side."

"Wonderous." Hobbes said.

Calvin put his first leg over the side of the bag, then the other, then slid down.

Hobbes followed.

They landed right in the front end of the sled.

Calvin looked around.

The reindeer were staring at him.

A wide devilish grin spread across Calvin's face.

"You've got to be kidding me." Hobbes sighed, covering his eyes, and sinking into the seat.

Meanwhile, Zipper and Zapper were staring at the monitor.

They spotted Calvin and Hobbes on one of them.

"HEY!" Zapper exclaimed. "What are they doing!"

"Come on!" Zipper yelled, running out of the room.

"On Comet, and Dixie, and Rudolph!" Calvin yelled. "On Dopey! On Sneezy! On Happy! And you! And someone else! Darn I can't remember their names."

"Good let's go." Hobbes said.

"But wait, Hobbes! This is the ultimate good deed! I can give Santa a year off today!"

"Yeah, but you can't even run a sled without these ungulates on them." Hobbes said. "Sure the sled is flying half the time, but still..."

"HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" Yelled Zipper's voice.

"Whoops!" Calvin yelled as Zipper and Zapper approached the sled.

"On Richard Nixon! On Benjamin Franklin! On Jim Carrey, and Dr Phil! On Opera! On Andrew Jackson! On Batman, and Bill Watterson! AAAA!"

Just as Zipper and Zapper were about to climb on, Hobbes yelled, "Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now Prancer and Vixen! On Comet! On Cupid! On Donder and Blitzen!"

ZOOM!

"YAAAAAH!" Calvin and Hobbes screamed, as the reindeer took off with a blast.

"Well!" Calvin grinned, "at least we got away from those two."

"HEY!" Yelled a voice.

"Oh boy." Calvin sighed.

Calvin and Hobbes spun around, and saw Zipper and Zapper glaring at them.

"Turn this sled around right this minute!" Zipper ordered. "This is Santa's job!"

"Yeah, but I'm giving him the day off." Calvin said.

"Hey wait a minute!" Said Zapper.

He studied Calvin.

"You're not an elf!" he declared. "You're that Noodle Incident kid!"

"That wasn't me!" Calvin snarled. "I wouldn't do anything like that! I'M INNOCENT!"

"Sorry to cut off your conversation, because I know it must be very thrilling," Hobbes said. "But WE'RE ABOUT TO RUN INTO THAT CLIFF!"

Calvin gasped, whirled around, and jerked the wheel to left.

The deer missed it.

"Turn the sled around, now!" Zipper ordered. "You're going straight onto the Naughty list for this one!"

"He already is." Hobbes said.

"You know he's got a point there." Zapper said.

Calvin grinned, as he looked ahead.

"Hey, I think I'm starting to get the hang of this thing!" He grinned.

Just then, Zipper and Zapper's watches started beeping.

"Oh no!" Zipper said. "We're late!"

"Santa's suppose to take off, right now!" Zapper growled. "And here we are, playing with the kid!"

"Alright!" Calvin yelled. "Take the controls!"

Calvin offered Zipper the wheel.

The elves stared at it.

"Ya know, we never have drove this thing." Zipper said.

"Yeah, let's just go with you doing it." Zapper said.

"Very well." Calvin turned back to the controls.

Zipper looked at Zapper. And Zapper looked at Zipper.

"Christmas is doomed." He said.

"One might think so." Calvin said. "But it's not."

"It's one o'clock in the morning, Calvin." Hobbes said. "And you're still rocketing around Africa."

"Hobbes, we have nothing _but_ time!" Calvin said. "Have you forgotten that I am a brilliant mastermind?"

Calvin rooted through his pocket, and took out a small yellow device with a red button on it.

"Well, Christmas was nice while it existed." Hobbes sighed.

Calvin hit the red button.

BEEE-OOM!

Red energy traveled out from the Time Pauser, consumed Calvin, then the sled, then Zipper, Zapper, and Hobbes, then the reindeer.

There was a moment of tense silences the reindeer started moving in slow motion for a few seconds, then started going fast, again.

"What just happened?" Zipper asked.

"Well, either Calvin's device already killed us, or we just fell into the No-time dimension." Hobbes said.

"Alright!" Calvin said. "Now we can take our sweet time in doing this, and get everything done before the next second comes! Gimme the list so I can check it twice!"

Zipper sighed, and Zapper shook his head. They had no choice.

"The list is in the sled." Zipper said. "The reindeer will know what do when you call out the kid's name."

"Right." Calvin said, he pushed a button on the sled, and a name came onto the small two by one inch monitor.

"Alfred Leroy." He read out loud.

The deer instantly turned for the United States, and zoomed towards the panhandle of Texas.

Calvin landed the sled and got out.

He looked around, then looked down at the chimney.

"This thing is a pipe, not a chimney!" Calvin yelled. "How on Earth am I going to get down there!"

Zipper slapped his forehead.

"I knew it!" he said. "I knew it! He couldn't do it! Christmas is canceled!"

"Oh yeah!" Calvin snarled. "Are you forgetting to who or whom you're speaking?"

"Now you did it." Hobbes said to Zipper.

"_Spaceman Spiff studies the entrance to alien's secret hideout!_" Calvin thought switching to Spaceman Spiff. "_our hero devises a brilliant plan!_"

Spiff took the presents for Alfred, and set them around the chimney.

"_Spiff throws the first bomb down the hatch!_"

Spiff grabbed a small device from his pocket, and zapped all the gifts shrinking them to size. Then he popped them down the chimney, and manipulated the house long enough, until all the presents were their normal size, again, and were in the livingroom. How did he do this without entering the home? I have no idea.

For the next three million houses, Calvin and Hobbes did this.

Calvin went down the chimney for houses that would let him down, but otherwise, they just threw the gifts down.

Everything was going just right.

Until...

Calvin was riding along the Asian coast.

He had just delivered more gifts to some person in Japan.

"Well, We did it." Calvin said. "We only have three hundred more people to do."

"Uh-huh." Hobbes said.

"And the best part is, we have all the time in the world!"

Calvin tapped on the Time Pauser.

Just then, he noticed something.

Calvin picked up the Time Pauser and studied it.

The label on the TP, was "Time on, LOW BATTERIES".

Calvin's head turned to the three staring at him, slowly.

"How long has Time been un-pasued?" Calvin asked, slowly.

Zipper gasped, and pointed at the clock on the sled.

Calvin's head shot around.

7:27AM

"OH NO!" Calvin gasped. "Everybody will be getting up soon! We need to hurry!"

Calvin started screaming at the reindeer to go faster.

They blasted off.

Calvin started throwing presets off, tossing them into the chimneys, and blasting along the side of the world.

After ten minutes, they had finished up.

They started to relax.

"Fewh." Calvin sighed. "What a close call."

Suddenly his eyes bulged.

"Oh no!" He yelled. "I haven't done _my_ neighborhood yet!"

Calvin spun around to the reindeer.

"CALVIN!" he called to them. "CALVIN! CALVIN! CALVIN! CALVIN! CALVIN! Why aren't they going to my house?"

"7:30 is when we head home." Zipper said. "You're too late."

"WHAT!" Calvin screamed. "NO!"

The reindeer flew back to the North Pole, but Calvin wasn't as enthusiastic as he was when they left.

The sled landed, and Calvin trudged off, and slumped back to the box.

Hobbes followed.

Zipper and Zapper exchanged sympathetic glances for Calvin, then Zipper picked up a small walkie talki.

Calvin tripped over the box, then got in.

Hobbes followed.

The trip back home was silent.

Hobbes looked down at Calvin.

"Well, at least, we got everybody else done." He said, hopefully.

"I just ruined Christmas for everybody in my town." Calvin whispered.

The rest of the trip was silent.

Calvin landed the box in his room, and walked down the stairs.

As you might have guessed, there was nothing waiting for them, except the tree, and few presents under it.

Calvin sat down at the couch, and started staring off into space.

Hobbes sat down next to him, and patted him on the back.

There was a long moment of silence.

"I'm going to bed." Calvin said.

He got up, off the couch, and started towards the stairs.

Hobbes watched Calvin go up the stairs.

He sighed, and stared towards the soot filled fireplace.

Suddenly, some ash started falling down the chimney

Hobbes' eyes popped open, and he stared at the chimney.

Some black boots suddenly appeared in the fireplace.

Hobbes gasped.

"Calvin!" Hobbes yelled. "OH CALVIN! You might wanna come down here!"

Calvin's head shot out of the bedroom, and stared at Hobbes.

His eyes moved from Hobbes and went towards the fireplace

Calvin gasped.

He zoomed down the stairs, and rushed up to Santa Clause. Who was carrying a big red bag on his shoulder.

"Hey!" he yelled. "You're... Sa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-gasp! Sa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-gasp! Sa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-gasp! Sa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-gasp!"

Santa and Hobbes exchanged glances.

"Sa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-gasp! Sa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-gasp! Sa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-... TA."

Calvin fell over backwards.

Santa leaned over, and looked down at Calvin.

"Calvin?" he asked.

Calvin's eyes drifted open.

He stared at Santa.

"Sa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-!"

"Please don't do that again." Hobbes said.

Calvin leaped up, and hugged Santa.

"Oh Santa! You came!" Calvin cheered. "I can't believe you did! But ya did! THANK YOU!"

Santa smiled, and patted Calvin on the shoulder.

"Calvin." he said. "You the kind of the boy who tries to be good, but slips."

Calvin looked up.

"Uh... yes."

"I've ran into kids like that, before."

"You have?" Calvin asked, surprised.

"Why, of corse!" Santa smiled. "You're not the only naughty/good child I've seen."

He patted Calvin on the head.

"You have good intentions, Calvin." He said. "And that's good. In my opnion."

He reached into his bag.

"Now, go to bed, both of you." Santa said. "I'll do my work when you're in bed."

Calvin and Hobbes exchanged glances, then bolted up the stairs, and into bed.

Calvin yawned and pulled the covers over his head.

He was sleepy.

His eyes slowly shut, then he fell asleep.

When he woke up, he saw that it was eleven o'clock in the morning.

He and Hobbes had slept in.

"HOBBES WAKE UP!" Calvin yelled. "CHRISTMAS IS HERE!"

Hobbes' eyes drifted open.

"Wow." He said. "I just has the strangest dream that..."

"NO TIME! PRESENTS!" Calvin screamed.

Hobbes shot out of bed, and the two bolted down the stairs.

Mom and Dad were sitting in their chairs, grinning at Calvin.

"You slept in, Calvin." Dad said. "That's not like you to do that on Christmas."

"Yeah." Mom said. "Usually, you would've woke us up about six hours ago."

Calvin's eyes widened.

There were hundreds of things sitting on the floor next to the Christmas tree.

Comic books, audio tapes, Dad had even broken down finally, and gotten the family a VCR. (Much to the disappointment of Calvin who thought it was DVD player)

Mom set up one of the Christmas tapes she had, and a beautiful Christmas song started playing.

_Christmas is here._

_Mistletoe and laughter._

_Carols and bells,_

_ringing to the rafter_

_Lights on the tree._

_Candles all a glow._

_And all who pass by say hello._

While the music played, Calvin walked up to Hobbes and said, nervously, "Hobbes, I forgot to get you a gift this year."

Hobbes grinned. "That's Ok. Tigers are naturally gifted to begin with."

Calvin leaned over and hugged Hobbes, lovingly.

"Here's a last minute present. I hope you like it."

Hobbes smiled, and hugged Calvin back.

"The best presents don't come in boxes." He said. "I'll treasure this one, forever."

"Merry Christmas, old friend." Calvin said.

"Merry Christmas, Calvin." Hobbes smiled.

The camera zoomed out of Calvin's house. Snow was falling all around, and sounds of Christmas carols fill the air.

And Calvin had never been happier in his life.

**The End

* * *

**

_Happy Holidays to everyone on Fanfiction.

* * *

_

**Voice work:**

**Pamela Segal: **Calvin/Spaceman Spiff

**Tom Hanks:** Hobbes/first elf

**Ryan Stiles:** Zapper the elf

**Bill Murray:** Dad/Santa Claus/Winslow the Monster

**Jennifer Love Hewitt:** Mom

**Elisabeth Daily:** Moe

**Tom Kenny:** Maurice the Monster/ Zipper the elf

**Dee Bradley Baker:** Miscellaneous voice work

**Christmas is Here can be found in _A GARFIELD CHRISTMAS_ TV special

* * *

**

**Coming up Next:** Attack of the Vampire Babysitter


	20. Attack of the Vampire Babysitter

**Summary: **Calvin has to go to Rosalyn's house for a day.

* * *

_And now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series_

**Attack of the Vampire Babysitter**

Sneer Hill was a mountain sized... well, hill, of corse. Its name came from the fact that it looked like a sneering face from a particular angle. It was steep, filled with rattlesnakes, wolves, and rabbits.

It was also Calvin's favorite wagon riding hill, for the fact that it had hundreds of cliffs. It was just behind Calvin's house in the forest, so his parents allowed him to ride his wagon down there. However, neither of them knew about all the cliffs.

It took Calvin and Hobbes an hour to reach the summit of the mountain.

By then, they were both weary.

"Alright." Calvin panted. "When we reach the cliff next to that weird tree with the lighting bolt scar on it, we'll turn and make a detour through the cave."

"But that takes us right towards a sheer drop off." Hobbes said.

"Yes." Calvin said, "but that sheer drop off lands us right into our backyard, so we won't have to walk back."

"Oh boy."

Calvin climbed into the front of the wagon, along with Hobbes, who was in the back.

They both looked down off the summit.

It was pretty far down.

Calvin grinned, and started to lean forward.

The wagon started to roll forward, slowly, then began to pick up speed.

Soon they were roaring down the hill at a speed of seventy miles an hour.

Calvin jerked the wheel left and right, dodging all the rocks and animal trails.

Hobbes was leaning backward, gripping the sides of the wagon with both hands, and kept his eyes closed.

Suddenly, a cliff started showing through.

Calvin jerked the wheel to the left, and the wagon roared into the cave next to it.

The wagon bumped across the rocks in the cave, and continued heading straight downward.

Hobbes opened his eyes, and looked ahead of Calvin.

Everything was slightly dark, but Hobbes could make out the features of the cave; dark. Cold. Miserable. And wet.

Suddenly, Hobbes started to see a light signaling that they were almost out of the cavern.

Hobbes closed his eyes again, as the end came up.

Suddenly, as if by magic, when the wagon was engulfed by the light, all ground, walls, and ceilings vanished and the wagon was now flying over the countryside.

THEY HAD JUST FLOWN RIGHT OFF THE MOUNTAIN!

The wagon started to head downward. Then plummeted into a dive.

Hobbes slammed his eyes shut, gritted his teeth, and took a strong hold on the frame.

CRASH!

Calvin and Hobbes' breath was knocked out of them, Hobbes' head lurched, and Calvin's teeth chattered, but Calvin was able to keep the wagon on the wheels.

They continued to zoom away from the Sneer Hill.

Calvin turned the wagon onto the sidewalk, and flew down it.

Suddenly, and just darn luck, Moe walked into Calvin's path.

How sad. How tragic. Tee hee.

"OUT OF THE WAY, MOE, I CAN'T STOP THIS THING!"

Calvin had to make a few adjustments to the wagon, and swerve to the right, but, luckily, He was able to...

CRASH!

...tee hee, bury Moe under the avalanche of his wagon of death.

Moe never saw what was coming. Tee hee.

Calvin then leaned forward and picked up speed in case Moe decided he wanted revenge.

Suddenly, the mailman came into view.

"Beep beep!" Calvin yelled.

WHAM!

Packages, letters, and postcards went flying through the air.

So did the mailman.

Meanwhile, Susie was playing with Mr Bun on the sidewalk. It was a sunny day, and she was having a great time.

Suddenly, Susie heard a high pitched screech.

Susie looked up in time to see a red something roaring towards her.

"AAAAAAAAAAA!"

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!

Susie gritted her teeth, and slammed her eyes shut as the wagon screamed to a stop two inches from her nose.

Calvin grinned, and leaned over the side of the wagon.

"Never fear, child! Calvin the Bold is at the controls."

Susie glared murderously at Calvin.

Calvin laughed, leaped out the wagon, and pulled it home.

"That was quite the ride, wasn't it, Hobbes?" Calvin asked.

"Uh-huh."

"I actually think we should use that route more often."

"Yeah, I already lost five of my nine lives on that trip." Hobbes muttered.

Calvin pulled the wagon home, and stored it back in the garage.

Then, he and Hobbes walked into the house.

Mom was wearing a red polka dot dress. Dad was wearing a black suit with a white tie.

Calvin stared at them.

"Where are you going?" He asked.

"Out." Mom said, combing her hair out.

Calvin shrugged. He started for the stairs, then stopped.

He turned around, slowly, and stared at his parents with wide unblinking eyes.

"_Out?_" He repeated. "As in _out there?_ As in not here? As in **_BABY SITTER!_**"

Mom and Dad nodded their heads, emotionlessly.

Calvin's eyes nearly exploded out of his head.

"**_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_**"

Calvin flew across the floor, and blocked the door.

"I wont let you go! I WON'T LET YOU!"

Mom walked up to Calvin.

"Get dressed, Calvin, you're coming."

Calvin's eyes glazed over.

"Oh." he said. "Well, that's not as bad, I guess. OK. I'd love to come, Mom."

Calvin took Hobbes and they all piled into the car.

Mom started the car, they backed out of the driveway.

Mom turned the car to the left, and started off for town.

Yes, yes, good, good.

Suddenly, Mom took a left and... HUH!

"HEY WAIT A MINUTE!" Calvin yelled. "This isn't the way to town! This is a private driveway!"

"Yes, we know." Dad said.

Calvin thought.

He started to piece things together.

Mom and Dad had to run an errand before they could go to town. Yes, that was it!

Calvin started to relax.

Ok, this was no sweat. Just sit in the car and wait for Mom and Dad to... Rosalyn?

Rosalyn was standing at the door of the house.

Wait a minute. This was Rosalyn's house.

"HEY!" Calvin screamed. "I thought you said you were going to take me with you on your fun date!"

"We never said that." Dad said. "We just said that you have to come with us."

Calvin's eyes nearly exploded out of his head.

"I'VE BEEN USED!" Calvin declared. "I'VE BEEN BEGUILED! I'VE BEEN HAD! FOOLED! PLAYED FOR A SUCKER! DECEIVED! MISLEAD! BETRAYED! DUPED! DOUBLE CROSSED! TRICKED! LIED TO! DELUDED! BLUFFED! SOME OTHER WORD THAT MEANS "TRICKED"!"

It took Mom and Dad fifteen minutes to pry Calvin out of the car, and another fifteen minutes to drag him to the door where Rosalyn was waiting, patiently.

"We'll be back by ten at night, Rosalyn." Mom said, attempting to release Calvin's grasp on the tree. "Can you handle it?"

"TEN AT NIGHT!" Calvin bellowed. "IT'S NINE IN THE MORNING! I'LL BE HAMBURGER BEFORE YOU GET BACK! SOMEBODY CALL THE POLICE! SHE MIGHT HAVE GUNS IN THERE! SHE MIGHT BE A CONVICTED MURDERER! HELP!"

Rosalyn stared at Calvin.

"I'll think I'll be OK." She said. Then she added, under her breath. "The creep's not in his little fortress anymore."

"What was that?" Mom asked.

"Nothing." Rosalyn said. "I'll be fine."

"SHE'S HOMICIDAL! DON'T LEAVE ME! AAAA!"

At last Dad ripped the lunatic off the tree, and flung him at the door.

Mom, Dad, and Rosalyn talked for a while, then the parents left.

Rosalyn turned to Calvin.

"Alright, Calvin." She said. "Before we go into the house, we need to set some ground rules."

"DIE! DRACULA'S BRIDE!"

Calvin whipped out his dart gun, and popped Rosalyn on the nose.

She calmly removed the dart from her face, and reached for Calvin.

"QUICK HOBBES! INTO THE SAFETY OF THE HOUSE! IF YOU SEE ANY DUNGEONS RELEASE THE CHILDREN! **_IT'S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!_**"

Calvin grabbed the stuffed tiger next to him and blasted into the house.

Before Rosalyn could react, Calvin slammed the door shut in her face and locked it.

Rosalyn tried the handle and sighed.

"Calvin, it just so happens I expected you to do that." She called into the house. "I have the keys in my pocket."

Rosalyn reached into her pocket, and pulled out a ring of keys.

"HIDE!" Calvin cried. "Into the basement!"

Calvin and Hobbes ran into the basement as the lock on the front door clicked.

Calvin and Hobbes backed themselves into the darkest corner.

"What do we do now?" Hobbes asked, a little more calmly than Calvin.

"Show no emotion." Calvin said. "Babysitters can sense fear, happiness, sadness, and your other forms of emotion! We even have reason to suspect they can read minds! So don't think!"

"Seven plus three, Calvin?"

"_Shut up!_"

Suddenly the basement door opened.

Calvin and Hobbes fell silent.

In the darkness, Calvin heard footsteps coming down the stairs.

Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump.

Calvin held his breath and waited.

Silence came as Rosalyn reached the bottom step. Then more footsteps coming towards the hiding duo.

Calvin turned to Hobbes.

In the darkness, Calvin couldn't make out Hobbes' features.

"Hobbes?" He whispered. "She's found us! I'm afraid we'll have to go into a battle of the death! Ready?"

No answer.

"Hobbes?"

No answer.

Calvin felt the area next to him.

Hobbes had vanished, the dumb cat, and had left Calvin to perish.

How did Hobbes manage to disappear like that, time and time again? Calvin had tried it hundreds of times before, but had never succeeded.

Calvin swallowed, and turned around.

Rosalyn's features started to take shape.

Blond hair put in a pony tail, red T-shirt, black pants, brown sneakers.

Calvin tried to turn himself into a pancake, and press against the wall.

What did he call this? Oh yes, the Invisible-to-enemy-radar Maneuver.

Rosalyn stopped, three yards from Calvin.

She placed her hands on her hips, and looked around.

Then she... turned and left?

Whew. It appeared that it was too dark for Rosalyn to see him.

Close call.

As soon as Rosalyn left, Calvin sneaked back up the stairs, and tiptoed around the livingroom.

Rosalyn was in the Kitchen checking the cabinets for him.

Calvin tiptoed up the stairs, and into the bathroom.

There he found Hobbes hiding in the bathtub.

"How did you get in here?" Calvin demanded.

"Huh?"

"How do you magically vanish like that! I demand to know! And how dare you surrender your position during a combat situation!"

"Mm-hmmm."

"You ought to be ashamed of yourself."

"I am ashamed. I don't know how I'll ever live with the guilt."

"I hope you mean that, Hobbes."

"Oh, I do."

"Good."

Calvin scratched his chin.

"I've lost my train of thought."

"No it's a babysitter."

"What?"

"I said... well, let me think here, I said... I can't remember."

"Then shut up."

"Right."

Calvin peeked out the bathroom door.

Rosalyn was coming up.

Calvin backed up.

"Rosalyn's coming! What'll we do?"

"Do you have your Time Pauser?" Hobbes asked.

"No."

"Good."

Calvin glared at him.

Suddenly, the bathroom door opened, and Rosalyn came in.

Calvin and Hobbes weren't there.

She walked over to the shower curtain, and yanked it open, revealing Calvin and his stuffed tiger.

"Get away from me, you babysitting freak!"

Rosalyn's eyes narrowed to slits, and she grabbed Calvin out of the tub.

Rosalyn carried Calvin down the stairs, and flung him and Hobbes into a chair, in the kitchen.

Calvin looked up, as Rosalyn fished through the fridge.

"What do you want for lunch?" She asked, calmly.

"Ice creme!"

"Uh-uh." Rosalyn growled. "Your parents told me to give you a nourishing meal. How do you like your tomatoes cut?"

Calvin stuck his tongue out.

"I hate tomatoes!"

"How about corn? That stuff's good."

"No."

"Mashed pataoes?"

"NO!"

"I'm not running a restaurant for picky eaters, punk!" She hissed. "You're having a salad!"

Rosalyn angrily grabbed the salad out of the fridge and poured some of it into a bowl for Calvin.

Calvin stared down at the bowl of leaves.

"What's that white stuff on it!" Calvin demanded. "Are you trying to poison me!"

"It's ranch dressing." Rosalyn said.

"Oh."

Calvin looked down at the bowl.

Suddenly he got an idea.

Just as Rosalyn sat down with her sandwich, Calvin leaped onto the table, and shoved a handful of salad and ranch dressing into Rosalyn's mouth.

"HA HA! Take that! Now if this is poison, then you will die a horrible death!"

Rosalyn swallowed the pound of grass, then grabbed Calvin off the table by the shirt collar.

"THAT'S IT! BEDTIME!"

"What!" Calvin yelled. "You can't put me to bed! It's only ten in the morning! And besides! You don't have a bed to put me in! This is your house, you evil barracuda!"

Rosalyn came down to eye level with Calvin.

"Who said anything about a bed?"

Calvin and Hobbes found themselves in the garage.

"dibs on the car." Hobbes said.

"This is insane!" Calvin bellowed. "It's not even noon! Now we have to sit in the garage until ten! This is a total outrage to the Calvin name!"

"Uh huh."

"I think we should start a circumvolution of the tables!" Calvin yelled. "She can't enclose us like this!"

"She just did."

"She may have locked up our hodies Bobbes, but she can't lock up our soul!"

"My name's Hobbes."

"Our souls run wild and free, and I know perfectly well what your name is!"

"Yeah but you called me Bobbes." Hobbes said. "It kinda hurts my feelings."

"I did not call you Bobbes!"

"Yeah you did."

"In a second I'm going to call you something worse, if you don't shut up!"

Hobbes crossed his arms, and turned away.

"Yeah? And maybe I don't want to help you with Rosalyn! I'm nice and comfortable in this car seat!"

"Fine! I'm sorry that I called you Bobbes! Even though I didn't!"

"I guess that's close enough."

Hobbes turned to Calvin.

"What's the plan?"

* * *

_Spaceman Spiff glances at the alien._ Calvin thought staring at Rosalyn who was watching TV. _our hero devises a plan of escape from the gloomy dungeon of death!_

Calvin motioned for Hobbes to follow him, and the two tiptoed out of the garage.

"Step one." Hobbes said, as they stepped outside. "TV doom."

Calvin climbed onto the roof with the ladder, and started whacking Rosalyn's dish with a hammer.

The TV suddenly went out.

Rosalyn blinked.

"Step two." Hobbes said. "Power outage."

Calvin grinned, and started switching the power box on and off.

Rosalyn stared around in wonder as the lights in the house went on and off.

"Step three." Hobbes said. "Watery grave."

Calvin snuck into the house and put the hose in Rosalyn's purse.

He gave Hobbes the signal, and Hobbes squeaked the faucet on.

Water filled the purse as Rosalyn's cell phone, wallet, and other accessories floated to the top.

"YOU!" Rosalyn yelled, pointing a finger at Calvin.

"Whoops." Calvin muttered. "ABORT MISSION, HOBBES!"

Hobbes had vanished, again.

Calvin flew away from Rosalyn, as she made a grab for him.

Calvin ran up the stairs, and into the bathroom, he locked th door to the bathroom, and proceeded to try and pry the window open so he could escape.

Rosalyn tried the door handle, and growled.

Calvin finally pried the window open, and leaped off the ledge.

He collapsed in a heap in the grass, and zoomed away.

Hobbes was on the sidewalk next to Rosalyn's house.

"What are you doing back here!" Calvin demanded.

"Well..."

"Would you shut up! We don't have time for questions! Rosalyn's after us!"

Calvin and Hobbes ran down the sidewalk.

"Are we going home?" Hobbes asked.

"No." Calvin said. "That'll be the first place she looks! We're going to let the fates be our guide!"

Calvin rushed into his garage, and pulled out the wagon.

"Count me out." Hobbes said.

"Get in." Calvin growled.

"Nope."

"GET IN!"

"OK."

Calvin and Hobbes ran into the forest with the wagon, just as Rosalyn showed up in her blue ford.

Calvin and Hobbes zoomed up Sneer Hill, and came to the summit quicker than before.

Calvin got into the wagon, followed by Hobbes, and the two flew down the mountain.

* * *

Meanwhile, Rosalyn found Calvin's tracks in the dirt, and started to climb Sneer Hill.

* * *

Calvin and Hobbes came to a cliff, Calvin rocketed off of it, them landed smoothly on another route.

"Calvin!" Hobbes called. "We've never been down this way!"

"So?"

"If you live, stay away from my funeral!"

The wagon blasted a hole through the forest, and approached a cliff.

* * *

Instead of going off it, Calvin ran the wagon along the side of it, and finally came to an end, in which, the wagon collapsed onto another stretch of mountain.

Rosalyn climbed up the mountain, panting.

She looked up.

"I know he came this way." She panted. "Where is that twerp?"

Suddenly the sound of squeaky wheels reached Rosalyn's ears.

She spun around, in time to see the wagon flying towards her.

CRASH!

Rosalyn tumbled over Calvin and Hobbes' head, and grabbed hold of the back of the wagon.

"CALVIN STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!" Rosalyn screeched.

"I CAN'T!" Calvin roared back. "OUR LIVES ARE IN THE WAGON'S, (and my ability to steer's) HANDS!"

Before Rosalyn could answer, the wagon approached another cliff with a cave next to it.

Calvin jerked the wheel to the left, and the wagon went zooming down cave.

"AAAAA!" Rosalyn screamed as the wagon bumped across the wet cavern.

Suddenly, the end of the cave began to show up.

The wagon exploded out of the mountain, and began flying over the country side, again.

Rosalyn screamed louder, as the wagon began to plummet into a dive.

Rosalyn climbed into the wagon behind Hobbes, and the wagon then crash landed in Calvin's backyard.

Rosalyn thought it was all over from there, until she realized that they were still moving.

To her dismay, Rosalyn discovered that Calvin had kept the wagon steady, and they were now picking up speed on the highway.

The wagon however, was in the wrong lane, and hundreds of cars had to swerve, to miss it.

The wagon then came to a JC Penny.

Calvin exploded through the double doors, and crashed through shirt stands and such.

Calvin's head found itself wrapped up in a green T-shirt.

Calvin threw it aside in time to see hundreds of people jumping out of Calvin's way, as the wagon blasted around the store.

They finally came to an exit, and they began zooming down town, again.

"GET ME OFF THIS THING!" Rosalyn screeched.

"OK, Fine, Roz, I'll just turn it towards your house."

Calvin jerked the wheel to the right, and zoomed down the private drive.

As Rosalyn's house began to take shape, Calvin turned the wagon to it, and...

CRASH!

Whoops.

It appeared that Calvin broke the window.

And, I'm sad to say, that the impact to the window didn't slow the wagon down, any.

Calvin practically destroyed every room in the house, until the wagon finally crash landed into the wall, and stopped.

Calvin rolled his eyes around to Rosalyn.

My goodness, her eyes had turned red, fangs began to grow out of her teeth, smoke bellowed out of her nose... Uh... She didn't look to happy about the state of the world.

* * *

Calvin's parents drove down Rosalyn's driveway.

They found a destroyed house at the end of it.

"Oh no." Dad sighed.

They found a very mad Rosalyn staring at them from the front porch.

Mom sighed, and walked up to her.

She began to speak but Rosalyn cut her off.

"I'm sorry, but tonight, it's REALLY going tocost you."

* * *

Later that night, Calvin and Hobbes were in bed.

Mom and Dad had locked the door, and Calvin was trapped in his room.

"Well, Hobbes." Calvin said. "What do you suppose the moral is?"

"Mm." Hobbes replied.

"Is there any good in what happened today?" Calvin asked. "There must be a silver lining."

"Mm" Hobbes said.

"When we got up this morning, our record was clean! We were just as innocent as the next guy. Now we're locked up in a dungeon. IS THERE NO JUSTICE!"

"Mm."

"I suppose we did protect ourselves against the vampire babysitter."

"Mm"

"And what if we hadn't? I'd be rotting in a garage with vultures peaking at my head."

"Mm"

"And then where would the world be?"

"Mm"

"It would be in medieval times! People would be gathered around circular tables, contemplating their meaningless lives!"

"Mm."

"I've done the world a huge favor, Hobbes! I may be under house arrest, but the good news is... is that the world still has... ME!"

"Mm."

"I'd say that would be a job well done! RIGHT!"

"Calvin, did it ever occur to you that I may be trying to sleep?"

Calvin ignored Hobbes.

He laid back in bed, and fell asleep.

Confident that he had just made the world a better place.

Uh huh.

**The End

* * *

**

**Voice work**

**Pamela Segel: **Calvin/Spaceman Spiff

**Tom Hanks:** Hobbes

**Bill Murray:** Dad

**Jennifer Love Hewitt:** Mom

**Daveigh Chase:** Rosalyn

**Dakota Fanning:** Susie

**Dee Bradley Baker:** Miscellaneous voice work

* * *

**Coming up next:** Have You Seen This Tiger? **_(The Second TV movie)_**


	21. Have You Seen This Tiger?

**Summary: **Socrates goes missing when Calvin decides he's had enough of his pranks.

* * *

_And now the second Calvin and Hobbes: The Series TV movie!_

**Have You Seen This Tiger?**

Calvin, as you know, loves animals of all kinds. Such as dogs, cats, and birds.

The only animal that Calvin doesn't like, the only cat that Calvin dislikes with his whole in entire being, is a certain tiger with red stripes on his tail. Socrates.

You see, it was Socrates that lead Calvin into the peanut butter incident. It made Calvin so mad that he...

Well, he wouldn't have minded if Socrates would've just... VANISHED. Without a trace. No clues, no suspects, no way that Hobbes could link Calvin with the, uh, tragedy.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

It all started in mid-morning in the fall of the year.

Socrates had come over to visit Hobbes, and they were playing outside.

Calvin had given Hobbes orders to report to the tree house for the GROSS Autumn Celebration.

When he failed to show up, Calvin climbed out of the tree house, and stalked down the hill towards the house.

There he saw two tigers.

They were... What were they doing?

Calvin narrowed his eyes, and studied the scene.

It looked like they were staring at the dirt.

Yeah, that's what they were doing. They were sitting across from each other, and looking down at the ground in front of them.

Calvin rushed up.

"Number one, What's going on, around here? Number two, Your supposed to be at our GROSS meeting, Hobbes! And Number three, What the heck are you two doing?"

Hobbes looked up.

"Oh, hi, Calvin." He said. "We're playing checkers."

Calvin stared at Hobbes. Then he stared at the dirt in front of them.

"Your what?" he asked. "I don't see any checkers?"

"That's because we're playing Checkerless Checkers." Hobbes said.

Socrates nodded and grinned.

"That's right, Calvin, we're playing Checkerless Checkers. Do you want play?"

"No." Calvin said.

Socrates shrugged, and turned back to the dirt.

He tapped his paw in three different places, then looked up at Hobbes.

"Sorry, Hobbes. I just jumped three of your men." he said.

Hobbes squinted at the dirt.

"Oh, darn." He said. "I guess I shouldn't have made that last move. Did I loose another game?"

Socrates nodded and grinned.

"Yup, but your getting better all the time."

"HALT!" Calvin yelled. "I've gathered up all the info I need! Hobbes! Socrates told you about this game, right?"

"Yes." Hobbes said.

Calvin didn't see it, but Socrates and Hobbes exchanged winks.

Calvin continued.

"Right, Your telling me you can remember every move in a checker game?"

"Well, I can't. But Socrates can."

"How do you know?" Calvin asked.

"He told me so."

"Hm, yes."

Calvin thought for a moment.

"OK, Hobbes. One more question. Who has won the most games?"

Hobbes thought.

"Well, Socrates won the first one. Then Socrates won the second one. But then, Socrates won the fourth time, then he won the fifth one."

"What about the third game?" Calvin asked.

"I think Socrates won that one."

"Mmm-hmmm."

Calvin rolled his eyes around.

"Hobbes, does it strike you as odd that Socrates has won five out of five games? Do think he might be cheating?"

Hobbes shook his head.

"Oh, no. Because we both promised not to cheat."

Socrates nodded.

"Yes, we both promised." He said. "Because cheating isn't nice."

Calvin gave them both blank stares.

"It's all clear, now Hobbes! You've been duped! The Kitty just pulled you into a game you can't win! HE HAS CHEATED YOU!"

"But he said..."

"Never mind what he said! Socrates is always trying to do something con like! You can put that in your little book!"

"I don't have a little book."

"Get one." Calvin spat. "I'm ashamed of you, Hobbes! Now march yourself to the top of the hill and patrol the tree!"

"But..."

"NOW! And I want a full report when you get back!"

Hobbes started to walk away.

But not before he and Socrates exchanged more winks and grins.

Calvin spun around to Socrates.

"You ought to be ashamed of yourself, cat! Taking advantage of a dunce!"

Socrates was wiping the so called board clean.

"Oh, yes, Calvin. I've learned long ago that I can't pull any pranks on YOU." He said.

"Exactly!" Calvin said. "We're on opposite sides of the law, So-crates! We're like the policeman and the robber! Only the robbers know how good the police are, and only the police know how good the robbers are!"

Socrates nodded.

"That's right, Calvin. I understand you, and you understand me."

"And yet," Calvin continued. "Both the robbers and the police both can't help but admire each others work!"

"Mm-hmm."

Socrates was finished clearing the board and now he was... setting it up, again?

Calvin stared at him.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm going to play a game of chess. With myself." Socrates said. "You probably don't know anything about it. It's a game that requires concentration, and your full undivided atten..."

Calvin laughed.

"You think I don't know about chess? The ancient game of WAR? I've got news for YOU, Crateso! I know everything about Chess! Ask me anything!"

"Black or white?"

"Huh?"

"Do you want to play black or white?" Socrates repeated.

"Oh. Well, Black I suppose. It matches the color of my heart!"

"Alright. I'll open with pawn to king four."

"Oh yeah?"

Calvin studied the board.

"Well that doesn't scare me one little bit, and I'll just move this little fawn..."

"It's a pawn, Calvin. Not a fawn." Socrates said.

"Whatever. There's my move, buddy! Read it, and weep!"

In fifteen minutes, Calvin was in deep trouble. He had lost both bishops, one knight, and his last castle was in check.

Just then, Calvin realized that Hobbes was standing over him.

He stared at them.

"What are you doing?"

Calvin looked at Hobbes. He looked at Socrates. He looked at the empty space of dirt in front of him.

"Uuuuuhhh..." Calvin said, sweeping his hand across the so called board, erasing all evidence of the game. "We're studying the dirt, Hobbes. Taking soil samples, and stuff like that, and what are you doing back so soon?"

"Well, we just pulled a prank on you, and your totally oblivious to it." Hobbes muttered.

"WHAT!" Calvin yelled.

"Nothing." Hobbes replied, warily. "Your Mom's calling you from the house. She's made us all peanut butter and honey sandwiches."

"You're bothering me with a report about peanut butter? Hobbes, I'm a very busy man! I don't have time for honey!"

Calvin spun around to Socrates.

"And as for YOU!"

Socrates wasn't there.

Calvin looked around, then spotted him walking down the hill towards the house.

Calvin narrowed his eyes, and ran to catch up with him.

Hobbes followed.

"Where do you think _you're _going, you feeble-minded cat?" Calvin demanded.

"I'm going to eat. Why?" Socrates replied.

"You hate peanut butter!" Calvin yelled. "You're up to something! I know it!"

"Uh huh."

"Ya can't fool me, cat! I can read you like a book!"

"Uh."

Calvin, Hobbes, and Socrates walked into the house.

"Here you are, Calvin." Mom said, handing Calvin the sandwich. "Eat it slowly."

Calvin turned a fierce grin onto Socrates.

"Ha! Let's see you trick me with something you can't have!"

Socrates stared at Calvin. He shrugged, and walked upstairs with Hobbes, close behind.

Calvin glared at the two suspiciously.

This was very unlike Socrates. Ten minutes had gone by, and Socrates hadn't conned him.

That was strange. Usually, Socrates would have pranked Calvin five times every ten minutes.

But now, he wasn't doing anything.

Calvin checked his sandwich to make sure Socrates hadn't snuck any bugs into it. It was clean so he warily took a bite out of it.

When nothing happened, he took another bite, then another, and another, and another. Then went back for seconds.

That was weird.

The sandwich wasn't getting any smaller as Calvin ate it. In fact, it was getting bigger.

Calvin tried to take another bite out of the sandwich, but IT WAS TOO BIG!

Calvin collapsed out of the chair and screamed, as peanut butter and honey filled the room.

Calvin swam through the ocean of peanut butter.

He emerged from the sea, next to the stairs and spotted Socrates.

He was holding the Transmogrifier Gun, and was zapping the peanut butter, making it a sea.

Calvin started screaming at the red tailed tiger.

"YOU MORON! CHANGE THIS BACK IMMEDIATELY! I OUGHT TO SUE YOU!"

On every three words, Calvin's head went under the sea of orange glue, and came back up, looking like a giant peanut butter monster.

Socrates had a wide grin on his face, as he continued to enlarge the sea with the gun.

Hobbes was standing at Calvin's door, laughing his head off, and leaning against the frame for support.

Just then, Mom screamed, "Calvin! What are you doing! I'm coming in!"

Socrates' grin widened.

He zapped the peanut butter one last time, and it all shrunk back into Calvin's half eaten sandwich.

But Calvin was still covered with the stuff, and the entire kitchen was coated in a thin layer of it.

Socrates and Hobbes backed up into Calvin's room, and vanished.

Mom came into the kitchen, and stared at the scene before her.

Calvin wiped some of the butter of his face, and grinned, sheepishly at Mom.

Calvin was in his room, next thing he knew, and he was surrounded by laughing tigers.

* * *

That night, when Calvin was in bed, he got up to get a drink.

Socrates was sleeping in the floor, next to the bed, and Calvin tiptoed past him.

Calvin silently opened the door, and slipped outside.

Socrates' left eye shot open and moved over to where Calvin had just left.

Calvin tiptoed down the stairs, and got a glass out of the drawer.

Socrates slithered down the stairs, and slunk across the livingroom.

Calvin turned the faucet and poured himself some water.

He drank the water, then wiped his mouth with his arm, and placed the glass on the counter.

Calvin then started back up the stairs.

TWANG!

"YAAAH!"

All at once, a rope grabbed Calvin's foot, and flung him back into the kitchen where he landed in the cabinet.

However, there just happened to be a spring in th cabinet, and Calvin went soaring over the livingroom, and crash-landed into the wall outside his room.

Once Calvin spit all the wallpaper out of his teeth, he heard, laughing.

The laughing of two overgrown children who pretended to be tigers.

Calvin glared at them, and trudged back to bed.

* * *

The next day, Socrates was still at the house, much to Calvin's disappointment.

By noon, Socrates had shoved Calvin into a puddle of mud, used a catch rope to fling him onto the roof, trapped him in crate, sent him to the Jurassic Period with the MTM, dumped over ten pounds of mustard onto him, pushed him into the creek, trapped him in the attic for thirty minutes, shoved him into a bookcase, thrust him into the trash barrel, and flung his face into his Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs.

After the next prank Socrates pulled, Calvin decided he was going to do something about it.

_We'll be right back with HAVE YOU SEEN THIS TIGER? On Calvin and Hobbes: The Series!_


	22. Have You Seen This Tiger? PART 2

_And now back to HAVE YOU SEEN THIS TIGER? On Calvin and Hobbes: The Series_

"Calvin would you take the trash out, please?" Mom asked.

Calvin had just finished cleaning all the mustard off him, and he was in a very bad mood.

"Why should I do that!" Calvin demanded, angrily. "What's in it for me?"

"We will clothe, shelter, and educate you throughout your entire youth!" Mom spat.

Calvin blinked.

Then he grumpily grabbed the trash, and carried it out of the house.

Do you know whom he met outside?

Mr. Prankster.

"What do you want, cat?" Calvin growled.

"Nothing."

"What's behind your back!" Calvin screamed. "SHOW ME!"

Socrates showed Calvin his empty paws.

Calvin glared at Socrates as he walked over to the trash barrel.

He threw it in, and continued to glare on him.

"I'll have you know I have my Time Pauser in my pocket." Calvin warned. "One wrong move, and you'll wake up very confused, in Lybia!"

Socrates grinned, and held his paws up.

"I'm clean, Calvin. I can't possibly prank you."

"Don't give me that!" Calvin snarled. "You're a twisted feline!"

Socrates grinned. "Why thank you, Calvin."

Calvin continued.

"Your warped mind is constantly trying to con something!"

"Uh-huh."

Calvin narrowed his eyes.

"I'm watching you, Kitty!" He growled. "Don't move a muscle!"

"Trust me, Calvin."

Calvin laughed,

"TRUST YOU! How dare you say the word! When you're a con, Socrates, nobody can trust yo—"

Suddenly, the ground underneath Calvin gave way.

"YAAAAAAAH!"

Calvin zoomed down a winding tunnel that zigzagged, went up down, and west.

Then the tunnel jerked upward, and Calvin shot out of the Earth, and landed face first next to Socrates' feet.

"I didn't move." Socrates said, simply, walking off.

Calvin's head shot out of the ground.

His eyes were bulging, and his teeth were clenched.

He pried himself out of the dirt, then spun around.

Socrates wasn't behind him.

His eyes narrowed to slits.

He had had enough of the pranks. And now he was out for revenge.

However, Calvin had tried to have revenge on Socrates before. And it always resulted in him getting pranked, again.

So, Calvin would have to take advice from the only one who knew Socrates up and down.

* * *

Hobbes was asleep in the window in the heat of the sun.

Calvin marched up to him.

He addressed him in the calmest way he could possibly do at the moment.

"**_GET UP YOU FURBALL, WE NEED TO TALK!_**"

Hobbes leaped into the air, and screamed.

"YIKES!"

He landed on his feet, predictably, and turned to Calvin.

"**_CALVIN!_** What are you doing!"

Calvin cut to the chase.

"Hobbes! We have to have a little discussion about your precious friend."

"Oops."

"Exactly." Calvin replied. "I need you to tell me how to get Socrates in the position he's constantly putting me in!"

Hobbes rolled his eyes around.

"Well, Calvin, uh, I can't tell you that."

"Tell me!" Calvin warned.

"Don't you threaten me!" Hobbes snarled.

Calvin relaxed his scowl.

"Hobbes, tell you what, if you give me the information I need, I'll give you some tuna fish." He said, calmly.

Hobbes crossed his arms.

"Sorry, Calvin, I can't tell you that information, for one can of tuna"

Calvin held up a can of tuna.

He placed it on the floor, and pulled a small unsharpened pencil out of his pocket.

He held the flat lead end above the tuna, and pushed the eraser on the top.

A small bolt of electricity shot out of the end of the pencil, and hit the can.

With a small BONIK, another can appeared.

Hobbes watched Calvin.

Calvin pushed the button again.

This time, four cans appeared.

Calvin pushed the button a third time, and eight cans appeared.

Calvin looked up at Hobbes.

"I that enough?" he asked. "Or shall be aim for two digit numbers?"

Hobbes blinked.

"Alright." he said. "Give me the tuna, and I'll tell you."

"Tell me, and I'll give you the tuna!" Calvin snarled. "I'm running on anger, here, Hobbes."

Hobbes' lip twitched.

"Very well." he said. "You have to find a way to make him mad. When he gets mad, he won't even try to hold it in."

"GREAT! You've helped me tremendously, old buddy! And there might even be a reward from GROSS For this!"

"Really? When?" Hobbes asked, sliding the tuna towards him.

"Later. And do you know what else?"

"Nope."

"I'm going to go have my revenge on that cat! Who does he think he is?"

"Dunno."

"He's a creep, Hobbes! And now, I will ram his face into the dirt of life!"

Calvin winked.

"If you know what I mean."

Hobbes stared at Calvin.

"There's something wrong with your eye."

"What?"

"I said, THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR EYE!"

"Don't yell at me! There's nothing wrong with my ears!"

"Yeah, It's your eyes."

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!"

"I saw your eye twitch!"

Calvin went nose to nose with Hobbes.

"I was winking, you brick. To let you know that I was letting you in on a secret. But I know I was wasting my time. I'm sorry I bothered."

"That's OK, you couldn't help it."

"Thanks."

"Your welcome. And I hope it gets better."

"You hope what gets better?"

"Your eye."

"Hobbes!"

"Yes?"

"Shush!"

"Ok."

"When I return, Socrates will be no more."

* * *

Calvin's first stop was his bedroom. To see if Socrates waslaying in his bed.

Much to Calvin's disappointment, he wasn't.

So, Calvin went back outside to check his usual loafing spots. The main one being right next to the door of the house. Where he sat in the shade, and waited for an opportunity to prank someone.

Calvin didn't see him on the front step, and he was about to check the tree house, when he heard a voice that caused him to freeze.

"Hmmm, hello, Calvin. Are you having a good day?"

Heh, heh, heh. Kitty, Kitty had just set himself up for a rude surprise.

_We'll be right back with HAVE YOU SEEN THIS TIGER? On Calvin and Hobbes: The Series_


	23. Have You Seen This Tiger? PART 3

_And now back to HAVE YOU SEEN THIS TIGER? On Calvin and Hobbes: The Series._

Calvin turned towards the sound of the voice, and saw Socrates batting at a clean sheet on the clothes line.

"Did you just say something, cat?"

"Mm-hmmm. I said, Are you having a good day?."

"Actually, I AM!"

Socrates turned to Calvin and grinned.

"Really? You _are_ having a good day? Are you sure understood the question?"

"HA HA HA! You make me laugh, Socrates. And I might add, that I'm laughing at _you!_"

"Hmmm. Isn't that interesting?" He slapped at the sheet. "I'm the new king of the house, But you're laughing at _me_?"

"Right!" Calvin grinned. "I now know everything that you're up too! You can't do this to me ANYMORE!"

Socrates walked over to Calvin.

"If you step a little closer to the fence, I'll tell you a secret."

Calvin caught himself just in time.

He pulled his head away.

"Step closer to the fence so you can slap me across the face with your claws? As you've done, many times before? Sorry, Socrates. Your little jokes are getting old! That one isn't going to work anymore! Sorry!"

Socrates glared at Calvin, then humped up, and started hissing at him.

Calvin sat down, and laughed at him.

"AH HA HA HA! I guess you thought you could make me angry by hissing, right? Then I'd tear down the fence between us, and destroy you, right? Which would draw the attention of Mom, and get me in trouble, right?"

Socrates glared at him.

"Sorry, Crateso, Your cheap tricks just aren't working anymore! SORRY!"

That just ruined Socrates' day. His ears were pinned back on his head, and his eyes had gotten to the size of quarters.

"You're making me angry, Calvin. And when I get angry, it makes me what to use my claws, and tear something up!"

"Oh yeah? Well if it gets to overwhelming, cat, I'll be happy to meet you along the creek! But if you think I'm going to get suckered into a fight, you're badly mistaken."

"I'm getting angrier and angrier, Calvin."

"And I'm loving every second of it, cat. Keep it up! And why don't you try this on for size?"

Calvin stuck his tongue out at Socrates.

"I can't control myself much longer, Calvin!" Socrates hissed.

"Oh yeah? Well see how you like this?"

Calvin stuck out his tongue out, and crossed his eyes.

Socrates started yowling and hissing.

"Just for that, I'm going to tear you UP!"

Calvin stared at him in total joy.

Socrates dove against the fence and reached for Calvin with his claws.

Calvin grinned, and stepped away.

Socrates' eyes were aflame. His claws were extended, and he had a deadly expression on that Calvin had never seen before.

Calvin was beside himself with joy.

He watched Socrates with a grin on his face.

"Careful, Crateso, you might loose your cool!"

That did it.

Socrates leaped over the fence.

Calvin and Socrates rolled around the ground.

Then, Calvin grabbed the sheet off the clothes line, and started wrapping Socrates up.

Once Calvin had Socrates wrapped up in the blanket, he heard the door slam.

Calvin looked up.

Ah. Mom had come, and yes, her eyes were flaming, and smoke was curling out of her nostrils, and she was armed with a broom.

Calvin turned and gave mom a grin and said, "Welcome to the war, Mom! As you can see I have this cat enveloped in..."

HUH?

Socrates was gone! But how... Calvin had him wrapped up in a nice little package but...

WHAP!

Calvin suddenly became aware of a broom coming down on his head, and Mom was screaming.

"CALVIN! YOU RUINED MY SHEET! GET OUT OF THIS YARD!"

Yikes! Well if she felt so strong about that then... WHAP!... Calvin would just have to... WHAP! ...disappear into the sunset, so to... WHAP!

Calvin bolted out of the yard, ran into the toolshed.

There, he raced to the back of the shed, stopped, nursed his wounds, and plotted his revenge on the cat.

How had he done that?

Calvin just didn't understand. Everything had been going his way. He had sniffed out all of Socrates' tricks, and had even laughed at him. He had resisted the temptation to make hash out of him, and held his temper. He knew from the beginning what he was trying to do, and yet, he had still succeed in doing it.

HOW COULD ONE CAT BE SO LUCKY! SO OFTEN!

Calvin's eyes were rolling around in circles, and he was banging his head against the wall.

Calvin angry beyond belief. And now he was about to do major damage to Kitty, Kitty.

This was the last stand of that stupid...

Of Socrates.

* * *

Hobbes was walking down the hill, humming to himself.

"Gee, I hope Calvin doesn't do anything terrible to Socrates." Hobbes said, concerned.

* * *

Socrates marched across the hill. About as angry as rattlesnake with a headache.

Suddenly, Socrates saw Hobbes up ahead.

"Thank you, anger managment!" Socrates growled.

And with that, he vanished,

Hobbes walked down the hill.

Suddenly, a water balloon splashed into Hobbes' head.

"ACK!" Hobbes yelled.

It was then that Hobbes realized that Socrates hads pushed Hobbes over sending him tumbling down the hill.

He landed in the creek.

However this wasn't enough for Socrates.

Socrates rolled the garbage barrel over to the hill, and dumped it.

Over a ton of garbage colapsed onto Hobbes, just as he was climbing out of the creek.

Then, Socrates grabbed a barrel full of mustard, and sent it tumbling down the hill, screaming in anger.

It hit Hobbes, and he went tumbling back into the creek, now covered in mustard.

Socratesroared in anger, and sliced the tree next to him with his claws.

"hmmmm.. Hobbes said, scratching his chin. "I've suddenly lost all respect for him."

* * *

Meanwhile, Clavin sat in his corner in the shed, nursing a grudge, and plotting his revenge.

Suddenly, the door to the shed burst open.

Calvin's eyes shot at the door.

Socrates stood at the door, glaring into the darkness.

He marched into the shed to where Calvin was sitting.

He halted in front of Calvin and just stood there.

There was a long moment of silence.

Calvin glared at Socrates. And Socrates glared at Calvin.

Then, Calvin spoke.

_We'll be right back with HAVE YOU SEEN THIS TIGER? On Calvin and Hobbes: The Series_


	24. Have You Seen This Tiger? PART 4

_And Now back to HAVE YOU SEEN THIS TIGER? On Calvin and Hobbes: The Series_

"Socrates, if you had ever considered getting along with me, this never would've happened! This is all your fault! But if you approach me just right, I might consider accepting an apology."

"I'll give you an apology!" Socrates hissed. "Just take two steps towards me, and I'll give you an apology you'll never forget!"

"THERE! You see? You won't compromise! You don't even try to get along! But I'm giving you one last chance you give me an apology!"

"I don't compromise, Calvin." Socrates said. "And I don't apologize. If I can't run the show, I don't play!"

Calvin sighed, and shook his head.

"And now, I might just consider running away rom this dump!" Socrates snarled.

Calvin stared at him.

"You're crazy! Do you have any idea what kind of things are in those woods! You'd be all alone!"

He continued to glare at him.

"Cats enjoy being alone, Calvin, because, when we're alone, we're in the best company."

This was hopeless.

"Listen, cat! You don't know what you're talking about! There are dangerous things in there! Mountain lions, wolves, coyotes! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!"

"I can take care of myself, Calvin. I don't need the help of a bungling kid!"

Calvin's eyes narrowed to slits.

"OK! That's it, Cat!"

Calvin whipped his Transmogrifier Gun.

ZEE-AP!

"MROW! HISSSSS!"

Calvin activated the laser in the gun, and Socrates went flying into the wall.

CRASH!

His eyes shot open, and his eyes were aflame.

He leaped into the air, and tried to pounce Calvin.

But Calvin would have none of it.

ZAP!

CRASH!

Socrates watched the checkers and stars go around his head.

Then a rope fell into his lap from the shelf.

Socrates grinned, and tied the rope into a lasso.

He roped Calvin at the waist, and flung him upward.

Calvin fumbled with his Transmogrifier Gun.

ZAP!

The rope turned into a trampoline to which Calvin landed smoothly on, and bounced off next to the raging Socrates.

ZAP!

Socrates went flying into the wall again.

CRASH!

Socrates opened his eyes, and lifted his head off the work desk.

There was a rope lasso heading for him.

"HEY!" Socrates screamed, as Calvin wrapped the rope around Socrates waist.

However, Socrates was too heavy, and Calvin could fling him over his head like Socrates could with him.

So, Calvin just spun completely around, keeping a good hold on the rope, and as Calvin turned, Socrates became airborne.

"YAAAAH!"

CRASH!

When the smoke cleared, Socrates' eyes were angrier than ever, and he was holding he snapped rope in his hand.

He crouched down, then exploded forward into Calvin's stomach.

POW!

The two crashed into the dirt.

Calvin spun over, and got on top of Socrates, Only Socrates kicked Calvin off with his legs.

Calvin landed face first on the wood flooring, then spun around just in time to see Socrates flying downward tow him.

CRASH!

Calvin leaped from the way as Socrates crash landed into the wall.

Socrates rubbed his head, and moaned. But quickly regained himself.

He leaped up, and prepared to pounce Calvin, again.

Calvin whipped out his Time Pauser.

Right as Socrates came in contact with Calvin, he hit the button.

BOOM!

White shockwaves traveled out from Calvin and Socrates as time halted.

Calvin and Socrates rolled around outside, crashing each other into various items that hadbeen stopped due to the Time Pauser.

Including, the house, the trees, the fences, Hobbes, and other stuff like that.

Neither of them were getting the higher score.

Each time Calvin would throw Socrates into something, Socrates would quickly even things out.

By the end of the third hour, both of them were worn out.

Calvin's hair was covered in sticks, and no longer had the smooth spikes coming out, and his shirt was ripped.

Socrates fur was all ruffled up, he had one ear pinned back while the other stuck up. And he was covered in dirt.

Both of them were out of breath, and glaring daggers at each other.

Then, Calvin decided to give the final installment.

He bent down, so his fingers were tipping the ground, then he exploded forward.

Socrates tried to get a firm grip on him, but Calvin was going to fast.

Just as Calvin had stationed himself at Socrates' back, the Time Pauser lost batteries, and started up, again.

BOOM!

Calvin grabbed Socrates by the scruff of the neck.

He had seen this before.

If you grab a cat by it's neck, it wont struggle or do anything in protest. It'll go limp.

There areseveral ways to capture a cat.

And there's also several ways to get your face torn off by a hissing, spitting, clawing little buzz saw.

But it if you grab the cat by the scruff of the neck. That's all it'll take to make him go limp.

That's just what Socrates did.

Calvin subdued the prankster, and started to drag him away.

Towards the wilderness.

Knowing that Calvin had overcome him, Socrates calmed down, a bit, to avoid further injury.

"Pant, pant, pant. You're taking me somewhere, Calvin. pant, pant." Socrates gasped, trying to restore peace.

Calvin continued to drag Socrates away, and he didn't answer.

"It's a... pant pant... nice day for a walk in the... pant, pant... mountains, but I think we've gone far enough."

Calvin refused to answer.

"Calvin? I'm wondering where we're going... pant, pant... Are you listening?"

Yes, he was listening, but his heart had turned to stone.

Calvin carried Socrates to the base of Sneer Hill, and dropped him into the dirt.

"Here's where you get off, cat. It's called, CARNIVORE CITY!"

Socrates had his ears pinned back and he was hissing.

"Socrates. This is your absolute last chance for an apology." Calvin said. "If you don't I'll leave you here for the bears."

Socrates shook his head.

"I don't apologize, Calvin." He hissed.

"Alright." Calvin said. "If you make a small apology to me, I'll take you home."

Socrates grinned, and shook his head.

"OK." Calvin said. "If you promise to think about making a small apology in the next few days then..."

"No."

"Look, cat! I brought you here to bump you off! Now I'm giving you a chance to start over with a clean slate!"

Socrates grinned, and shook his head.

"I'm not making an apology."

"OK, if you promise to consider thinking about making a small apology within the next year..."

"Apology is a word cats don't understand, Calvin." Socrates said.

Calvin's eyes narrowed.

"Alright, fine! In that case I ORDER YOU TO COME BACK TO THE HOUSE! Right this minute!"

Socrates shook his head, stubbornly.

"I don't take orders, Calvin. Not from you. Not from anyone."

"WILL YOU LISTEN TO REASON!" Calvin screamed. "WHEN I LEAVE YOU, YOU'LL BE ALL ALONE IN RATTLESNAKE COUNTRY!"

Socrates cross his arms.

"I'll come back with you, Calvin." He said.

"That's better."

"But only if you make a full and complete apology to _me_, and you agree to let me be Dictator for Life in your club, forever, and ever."

Calvin stared at him.

"You want me to... Alright! Fine! I should have known better than to talk sense to YOU! Goodbye, Socrates! I'm washing my hands of this whole mess! Goodbye, and GOOD RIDDANCE!"

And with that, Calvin went home, convinced that he had done the world a huge favor.

* * *

Calvin walked into the house, and found Hobbes sitting in the chair, watching TV.

Ah good. Calvin was happy to be able to take his mind of... other matters.

Calvin walked up to Hobbes.

"Hi Hobbes! How are you doing?" He asked, cheerily.

"Calvin? Did you the news? Socrates is gone!"

"Oh really? Well that's tragic."

"I've looked everywhere but I can't find him! I'm kinda worried."

"Worry about global warming, Hobbes. And leave the kitties to take care of themselves. Uh, no offense."

"Yeah, but... What if he wanders away, and the wild animals eat him?"

Calvin put his nose in Hobbes face.

"I don't want to talk about Socrates, or think about Socrates! Do you understand?"

"Gosh. You're kinda touchy."

"I'M NOT TOUCHY! The subject bores me, is all!"

Hobbes studied Calvin.

"You wouldn't have seen him while you were gone out for revenge on him, would you?" He asked, suspiciously.

"I, uh, no. Of corse not. I can't find him anywhere. Why would you ask such a ridiculous question?"

"Just wondering. Where did you go?"

"I went for a little walk, Socrates."

"I'm Hobbes. You called me Socrates."

"Yes, of corse, how silly of me. I went for a walk."

Hobbes examined Calvin through narrowed eyes.

"You're acting kinda funny. Is anything wrong?"

"Wrong? Why no! Everything's great! Wonderful! Terrific! Now lets go outside, Socrates, and do that GROSS meeting we were planning on."

"You just called Socrates, again."

"GET OUT OF THE CHAIR!"

"Gosh! You don't have to yell and scream!"

"**_I'M NOT YELLING AND SCREAMING!_**"

"You are to yelling and screaming! And I'm wondering why you're acting so funny, all of a sudden!"

"Forget it! Let's just go outside!"

Calvin and Hobbes walked outside to the tree house.

"This meeting of GROSS, Get Rid Of Slimy Girls is now called to order."

Hobbes clapped, slightly.

"First tiger, and President Socrates will now go over the minutes of our last meeting!"

Hobbes pulled out a notebook, and started reading.

"10:30AM, meeting is called to order. 10:31AM, minutes of last meeting are read. 10:50AM bandages administrated. 10..."

Calvin stopped him.

"Wait a minute!" he said. "You did write down 10:40, when we started our philosophical discussion!"

"I didn't?"

"No you didn't! Do you realize what kind of consequences come from that?"

"Not really."

"Death! Destruction! People dying in the streets! Socrates, you may have just broke the GROSS minute law of LIFE!"

"Oh my gosh!"

"Exactly! And now, a curse has been put upon you! In which _your tail will shorten!_"

"Oh my gosh!"

"It's even possible that you wont have a tail AT ALL!"

"OH MY _GOSH!_ What will everyone say?"

"They'll point at you and say, _hey look at the freak without a tail!_"

Hobbes covered his eyes.

"Don't say that! I wouldn't be able to live with it!"

"It will be hard, Socrates, but..."

"You called me Socrates, again."

Calvin glared at Hobbes.

"Will you shut up about Socrates! That's the third time you've brought him up!'"

"Yeah, but it's the third time you've called me Socrates!"

"I did no such thing! Your name is HOBBES! You may have just lost your tail, and you have more important things to think about, than a sneaky, sniveling, tiger, no offense! We're lucky to be rid of him!"

"OK, I'll try."

"Whatever happened to him, I'm sure he deserved it."

"You're still talking about him."

"And besides, you can't expect a tiger to live forever. Even if he hadn't been eaten by wild animals, he would've died of gluttony."

"Well, I guess."

"So, as you can see..."

Just then, the front door opened, and Mom called, "CALVIN! LUNCH TIME!"

"HOBBES! It's lunch time! Let's go! WE HAVE ALL THE FOOD TO OURSELVES!"

"What about my tail?"

"Bring it along, we'll probably have to use it as evidence! COME ON!"

Calvin and Hobbes rocketed off the tree house.

"HEY, CALVIN!" Hobbes called. "MY TAIL'S ALRIGHT! IT'S RIGHT WHERE I LEFT IT!"

"GOOD GREAT!" Calvin yelled.

Calvin and Hobbes zoomed to the house and beat...

Well, there really was no one to beat to the food.

Which kinda took the challenge out of...

Calvin slowed, and walked the remaining ten yards to the house.

There, they found sandwiches waiting for them.

Calvin rushed up.

Mom was waiting.

"Where's you other tiger?" Mom asked.

"Beats me." Calvin said. "Let's eat!"

"Well, don't you want your other stuffed tiger?"

Calvin stopped jumping up and down.

"No." He said.

There was a long moment of silence.

Mom shrugged, and walked away.

"OK, Hobbes! Now before you get any big ideas, I get the bigger portion!"

Hobbes sniffed the food.

Then he... huh. shook his head.

"You can have it, Calvin. I'm not very hungry."

"How can you not be hungry?"

"I dunno. It's just not the same. When we can't fight over it... With Socrates."

"Well, you can just sit there, and watch, and I'll...!"

Hmmm, Calvin wasn't very hungry, either.

Calvin took a bite out of the sandwich, rolled it around in his mouth.

Then slowly swallowed it, with a blank expression.

The exciting taste Calvin had suspected to find... just wasn't there.

"It's not the same, is it, Calvin?"

"What?"

He'd been watching Calvin.

"I... don't know what you're talking about."

Hobbes' lower jaw trembled.

"I wish Socrates would come back and fight with us. Gosh. We might starve to death without him."

Calvin sighed, and stood up from the chair.

"Ok, Hobbes. Let's go see if we can find the stupid cat."

All at once, Hobbes was jumping up and down. "REALLY?"

"Yeah." Calvin muttered. "And I'd like to point out, I'm doing this for _you_ and you only! Now come on!We haven't a momentto spare!"

Calvin and Hobbes exploded out of the house, and started running towards the forest to launch a rescue mission for...

Calvin still couldn't believe he was doing this.

_We'll be right back with HAVE YOU SEEN THIS TIGER? On Calvin and Hobbes: The Series._


	25. Have You Seen This Tiger? PART 5

_Swing123: I'm sorry that Socrates isn't himslef in this story. To make up for it, I'm going to make another story after this wth Socrates narrating it. And I promise, I won't make stories where he's not in character, like this, anymore._

_And Now back to HAVE YOU SEEN THIS TIGER? On Calvin and Hobbes: The Series_

Calvin and Hobbes zoomed past the mailbox, and headed north.

Hobbes broke the silence.

"You don't suppose we might see any wild animals, do ya?"

"Are you joking?"

Hobbes started laughing. "Yeah. I was only joking."

"Well, that was a good joke, Hobbes. Because bears and mountain lions are as thick as hair up there!"

Now get this. Suddenly, Hobbes suffered a blow out on his right leg.

"Oops! There goes my leg! I knew I never should have pushed it so hard."

He was beginning to lag behind.

"COME ON, HOBBES! WE HAVEN'T A MOMENT TO SPARE!"

Hobbes called back, "You better go without me, Calvin, I'll just slow you down."

Calvin didn't have time for Hobbes' nonsense.

He went streaking towards Sneer Hill.

Calvin went roaring up the mountain.

At four hundred feet above the ground, Calvin called for him.

"SOCRATES! SOCRATES! GET OVER HERE, WE'VE COME TO RESCUE YOU!"

No answer.

Calvin rushed along the ridge of the mountain, and continued to call the cat.

Calvin then came to a cotton wood tree about three kilometers from the summit.

He was just about to give up looking, when he heard voices.

Behind the giant rock that Calvin had planted himself.

Since he didn't know what he'd find behind it, Calvin tiptoed around the side, and peeked around it.

There Socrates was. But he wasn't alone.

There were two wild animals in front of him.

They looked a lot like... Yes they were. They were bears.

And it had sure been nice knowing old Socrates, andCalvin was kind of disappointed that he was going to loose him since he ran all the way up Sneer Hill, but NO ONE takes cats away from bears!

And so, Calvin just stood there, and watched, as Socrates was about to be eaten alive by...

That was odd.

He bears weren't jumping Socrates.

In fact, they were just sitting there.

Calvin squinted his eyes, and it was then that he saw the whole scene.

Socrates was sitting in the dirt, and seemed to be studying the ground between him and the bears. And the bears were doing the same thing.

Staring at the dirt.

One of the bears was looking over the other bear's shoulder, while the other bear stared at the dirt, too.

That was odd.

Just then, Socrates extended his right paw and tapped the dirt in four different places.

He turned a grin on the bear sitting in front of him.

"Hmm, sorry, Rex. But you sure that one slip up on you."

The other bear laughed.

"Uh HA HA HA! He lost again! He's so dumb! Maybe now, we can stop and eat!"

The other bear's eyes shot around to Socrates.

"Cat soup?"

"Uh." Said Rex.

"Hmm, let's not rush into anything." Socrates said. "Now let me see. I played Rex, and won. I played Scraunch, and won. But Rex and Scraunch haven't played."

"UH!" Said Scraunch. "I'm not going to waste my time playing chesterless chester with my brother. cause my brother's just a big dumby!"

Rex's head shot around to Scraunch, and he growled, "Uh."

"Oh, I'm not too sure about that." Socrates said, flicking his tail. "And if you just watch the tail, back and forth, back and forth, to and fro, lullaby and goodb..."

WHAM!

Scraunch clubbed kitty over the head with his paw.

"Don't try andfool us with your stupid cat tricks!" Scraunch growled.

Socrates lifted himself out of the dirt, and said. "Hmm, I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about."

"I'm talking about _you_ trying to cheat!" Scraunch snarled. "Now get out of our way, while we play the game!"

Scraunch swatted Socrates out of the way, and sat down in front of Rex.

"You go first!" Scraunch said.

"Uh." Rex replied.

And suddenly, we had two bears staring down at a blank area of dirt and giving complete concentration to... hmmm...

Total concentration.

Hmmmm...

Calvin extended his arm, and grabbed Socrates by the scruff of the neck, and flung him over the rock, and in front of him.

The second he landed, he humped up and hissed, and threw a wild punch of claws at... but then he caught himself.

"Hmmm, my goodness. the cops are here."

"That's right, cat. I've come to save your worthless skin! But before I do, I want to hear you say, _I'm sorry I was such ajerk to your face!_"

Socrates stared at Calvin.

"I'm sorry I was... Well, you know, Calvin, I usually don't..."

"SAY IT!" Calvin spat. "Or I'll throw you back with the bears!"

"Hmmm, this is sounding better all the time. I'm sorry I was such ajerk to your face. I'm sorry I pranked you, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. Now let's get out here."

Calvin and Socrates then started zooming down Sneer Hill.

They hadn't gone far when Calvin stared hearing yelling and screaming.

"HEY! STOP! YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE NOW, KID!"

Oh boy.

Calvin looked behind him, and saw the grizzlies roaring towards them, with lethal looks.

And as if that wasn't bad enough, Socrates turned his head, and started mouthing off to them.

"You big lugs couldn't catch a flea on a grandpa's knee! And ha, ha, ha! And ho, ho, ho! And hee! Hee! Hee! And I'll bet your mothers wear old tow sack drawers."

The result of this was like throwing gasoline on fire. And Rex and Scraunch made a solemn oath to stomp a mud hole in Socrates' back.

"Socrates, maybe if it isn't to much trouble, maybe you could shut up!"

By then, Calvin and Socrates had come to the bottom of Sneer Hill, in which a train track was located.

Calvin and Socrates dove across the track just as a huge train cut across.

They had just beat death by a train.

By then, they were both panting, and watching the train go by.

When it had left, the bears were gone.

Calvin and Socrates sighed, and turned to go back to the house.

It was if two soldiers were marching home from battle.

Even Socrates caught the sense.

"Well, Calvin, you've certainly put me in an awkward position."He said. "Since you saved me from the bears, I might be forced to say thank you."

"Yup. You sure might."

"Which, I don't like to say.

"_I've noticed._"

"And I might even start thinking of you as a friend, which really depresses me."

"I know what you mean, Socrates. I mean, just think of all the years we've invested in a lousy relationship."

"Hmm, I know. All the nasty tricks and terrible names."

"Right. And all the great fights we've had."

"And now it's finished, Calvin. All gone."

"Exactly. Wiped out by one thoughtless act of kindness."

"Well, Calvin, we can always hope it wont last."

With heavy hearts, Calvin and Socrates walked home.

They met Hobbes at the tree house.

"Hi Calvin." Hobbes said.

He glanced at Socrates.

"And, you got Socrates! That's good."

"yup." Calvin said.

Hobbes stared at Calvin and Socrates.

Socrates had his arm around Calvin's shoulder.

"Well, that's weird." Hobbes said.

"You see, Hobbes, it was..." Calvin started, but Hobbes cut him off.

"No, no. I'm not sure I want to know."

Hobbes walked away.

Calvin and Socrates sighed, and continued down the trail towards the house.

As they past the house, Socrates' head shot up, and he went, "HMMMMMM!"

"What?" Calvin asked.

"Oh nothing, Calvin. Thanks for everything. And maybe you'd like to go play Calvinball or attend some gross meeting or something."

"Well, I am kinda in the mood for..."

Calvin sniffed the air.

Peanut butter, honey, and tuna?

"On second thought Socrates, why don't you go prank someone and rub up against someone's leg!"

"Those sandwiches are mine, Calvin, because I saw them first!"

"Uh uh! No! Incorrect, and wrong! Those are _my_ snadwiches!"

Socrates humped up and hissed.

Calvin screamed.

Socrates drew back his claws, and punched Calvin on the face.

Calvin made a death grab to Socrates' neck.

Socrates bit Calvin on the ear!

Calvin pulled Socrates' tail!

Socrates slapped Calvin across the face with his claws, again!

And all at once, Calvin remembered why he wanted to destroy Socrates to begin with.

And everything was back to normal. And everyone was happy, again.

I guess.

To what Calvin has to say on the subject, "Guys, if you can figure out what happiness is in this old life, you're better at it than I am. I quit."

**The End**

**Voice work:**

**Pamela Segal:** Calvin

**Tom Hanks:** Hobbes

**Ryan Stiles:** Socrates

**Jennifer Love Hewitt:** Mom

**Bill Murray:** Rex

**Tom Kenny:** Scraunch

**Dee Bradley Baker:** Miscellaneous voice work

**Coming up Next: **Confessions of a PrankLovingTiger


	26. Confessions of a Prank Loving Tiger

_Swing123: I'd like to thank Garfieldodie for helping me finish this story up. Otherwise, I'd still be working on it. Thanks, Garfieldodie.

* * *

_

**Summary: **Socrates tells the world how he first met Calvin and Hobbes

* * *

_And now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series_

**Confessions of a Prank Loving Tiger**

Oh, hi, there. My name's Socrates.

Well, I suppose you want me to tell you some story, right? Which explains why you're here.

Uh huh. I knew it.

Well, I dunno. I might not be in the mood.

And what's more, I'm a very busy tiger.

Do we have time for a story?

Oh what the heck, sure.

Let me see here. What would be a good story to start with?

I know! Alright, It all began in March of whatever year it was this happened.

My owner had won the lottery and had bought a mansion in whatever the name our town is.

The house was HUGE!

I even got my own bedroom.

The only problem, is that my owner wouldn't share any money with me.

Well, naturally, I was shocked and appalled, and... well, he agreed to give me a monthly allowance of two bucks.

Oh well, two bucks a month is better than a kick in the head, I suppose.

Most of my time was spent in my room, reading comic books and watching Direct TV.

Mostly though, I just sat on my bed, twiddling my fingers, and waiting for something to happen.

I hate to wait.

Most of your active minds do.

About a week after I had moved in, I was sleeping on my bed.

It appeared that I bored myself awake, because all at once, I was sitting up, rubbing sleep out of my eyes and yawning.

I looked around.

Same old room.

Ho hum.

I got up, stretched all four legs, and decided that if I couldn't find anything to do, I'd have to go on a walk.

My owner was at school, you see, so I didn't run into him on my way down the stairs, and out of the house.

It was a lovely day out. The birds were chirping, the grass was growing in the bright sunshine, and there was a warm breeze blowing through the air.

I walked out the yard gate, and started down the sidewalk.

Who knows? this might be fun. I hadn't met anyone in the neighborhood yet, so maybe I could strike it up with another tiger.

Did I mention that I love to prank?

Heh heh.

Yep, I do.

In fact, most of the boring hours I spent in my room were spent planning out pranks I could do to some of the kids on our block.

Anyway, I walked down the sidewalk, admiring the houses that looked like wood cabins compared to _my_ house!

HA!

Anyway, I continued walking down the block.

Several people passed me, but never seemed to take much notice of me.

After a while, it was just me on the sidewalk.

Walking into town, I heard more voices.

I looked up and saw a small kid with a red T-shirt with stripes, black pants, red sneakers, and yellow spiky hair.

Walking with him was a tiger. Yes a tiger. About my size, walking on his hind legs like me, and the only difference was that he had black stripes running down his tail.

Have I ever mentioned my tail? Some kind of birth mark there, making me a practical freak of nature. You see, for some unknown reason, I have red stripes on my tail.

Yes I know, pretty weird, but I guess one can't choose how they look.

Well, actually, yes you can, with all that makeup and hair dye out, now. None of which I'm very big fans of. I never liked hair dye, and I'm allergic to makeup. Who wants to wear what they're allergic to? Not me. Besides I take pride in my red tail stripes. And anyone who makes fun of it will be hanging upside down from a rope for a week.

Where was I?

Oh yes, the boy and tiger were coming down the road.

Me and the tiger had been associating for several weeks now.

His name was Hobbes.

Hobbes was pretty cool, in my opinion, and here he came.

I had never seen the boy before.

Hobbes looked up.

"Hey!" he yelled. "Hello there!"

The boy started to hush him.

"Shut up, Hobbes, he could be a convicted murder."

Hobbes, pushed the boy out of the way.

"Calvin, he's a tiger."

"Yes, and tigers are man eaters!"

"That's preposterous!" Hobbes scoffed.

Calvin leaped in front of me and Hobbes.

"ALRIGHT BUCKO! I DUNNO WHO YOU ARE, OR WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE, BUT WHATEVER YOU'RE FIENDISH PLOT IS, **_IT WON'T SUCCEED!_**"

I gave the boy a blank stare.

I decided to ignore him.

I turned my gaze to Hobbes.

"Howdy." I said. "Nice day, huh?"

Hobbes blinked.

"Uh, yes, very nice."

I held out my hand.

"Socrates the tiger. Please to make your acquaintance."

Hobbes shook my hand.

"My name's Hobbes. And this is Calvin."

"HOBBES!" Calvin yelled. "YOU'RE GIVING OUT VITAL INFORMATION TO THE STRANGER!"

Do you see what Hobbes and I were doing?

Tee hee.

Driving Calvin insane.

Heh, heh.

I could see that Calvin and I were going to get along _just_ fine.

"So do you live here?" Hobbes asked.

"Yes, I do." I grinned. "I live in that old mansion on the other block."

Hobbes' eyes widened.

"_You_ live in that mansion!" He yelled.

"Yep." I chuckled, studying my claws. "I have my own bedroom with a TV and comic book supply."

"HOBBES! HE'S BRAGGING! THAT'S A SIGN THAT HE'S A VICIOUS COLD BLOODED PREDATOR!"

Calvin began making choking sounds, and started limping around in circles behind me.

I tried to ignore him.

Besides, I knew the killer question that would just drive him insane.

Heh, heh, heh.

Watch this.

"So which house do you live in?"

Calvin swooned and keeled over backwards, and there he lay on the sidewalk, twitching and making weird noises with his tongue.

Hobbes was obviously enjoying this.

He had a wide grin on his face, and his eyes were sparkling.

"I live in the yellow house next to Main Street." He said.

Calvin held his throat, and started crawling around in circles.

I pressed on.

"You mean the yellow house next to the Dirkins?" I asked.

"That's the one."

"I see."

Calvin was now running around in circles screaming his head off, "DON'T TELL HIM ANY MORE! DON'T TELL HIM ANY MORE!"

Can you guess what Hobbes did then?

He told me more.

"We also do not Direct TV, there are monsters under our bed, our TV gets staticy on weekends on three o'clock, Calvin's mother is terrible cook, and we eat in front of the TV."

Ha, say this was fun!

Hobbes and I were getting to know each other, and at the same time, we were driving someone insane! That must be every tiger's dream!

Then, Hobbes, good old Hobbes, decided to move in for the kill.

"Would you like to come over to our house later today?"

"You mean when there's no parents are witnesses around?" I grinned.

"Yup."

Oh, that just _killed_ Calvin.

He screamed, ran around in circles, banged his head against the fence, screamed, pushed downward on his cheeks making the red area under his eyes show, screamed, leaped around in circles, screamed, and screamed.

Hobbes and I shook hands. We had only known each other for two weeks and we had already known that it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

One that will last a lifetime.

Or at least until Calvin kills me.

Hobbes gave me directions to our house, and Calvin hopped around in circles screaming that same meaningless phrase. Yeah, but. Yeah but. Yeah but.

"Alright, first you take a left on Main Street."

"Yeah, but...!"

"Then you'll reach a house with a fancy satellite dish,"

"Yeah, but...!"

"Our house is about four houses down from that."

"Yeah, but...!"

"Just be sure you're on the left side of the street."

"Yeah, but...!"

"Otherwise you'll end up at the Freeman's house,"

"Yeah, but...!"

"which is across the street from ours."

"Yeah, but...!"

I wrote all this down on a notepad.

When he finished, I tore the note off, and tucked it into my pocket.

Calvin was almost hysterical.

"WHAT IF HE'S A MURDERER! WHAT IF HE'S A WEREWOLF! WHAT IF HE'S A VAMPIRE! WHAT IF HE'S A ROBBER! WHAT IF HE'S A GOBLIN! WHAT IF HE'S A _MIME!_"

While Calvin continued to list off all the horrible things I could be, Hobbes and I shook hands and went our separate ways.

Heh, heh.

Even though I was walking farther away, I could still hear Calvin screaming.

"YOU MORON! YOU INVITED SOME STRANGE PUNK TO OUR HOUSE! WHAT DO YOU _MEAN_ HE'S A TIGER! OF COURSE HE'S A TIGER! LIES! NOTHING BUT LIES! I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT NOT _ALL_ TIGERS ARE PERFECT WONDERS OF NATURE! WHAT! THAT'S ABSURD! WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF SURVIVAL! I DEMAND THAT YOU MARCH BACK OVER THERE, AND UNINVITE THAT TIGER! YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE HE'S BEEN! NO, JUST BECAUSE HE LIVES IN A MANSION, DOESN'T MEAN HE'S PERFECT! WHAT! THAT'S AN INSULT!"

I kinda figured that I wouldn't need the directions.

Calvin would direct me there.

* * *

Later that day around threeish, I moseyed down Main Street, until I reached the house with the fancy dish. 

I then made sure I was on the left side of the street, and continued to walk for another four houses.

Finally, I came to the yellow house Hobbes had told me about.

Hobbes seemed like a nice tiger, didn't he? Yes, I didn't usually run into tigers where I used to live.

Actually, I _never _ran into tigers where I used to live. Yes, I used to live in a fairly tigerless place.

So, yes, meeting Hobbes was quite an unique experience.

Too bad I was going to have to _waste_ him! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Did Calvin hear that? I hope that he did.

Heh, heh, heh.

I love doing that to him.

I walked up to the door and knocked three times.

Immediately, the sound of screaming emitted from the door.

"WE DON'T WANT ANY!"

Well, I had only heard the voice for half a second, and I had already made up a profile for who was behind the door.

There was much pushing and shoving from behind the door. And screaming. There was a lot of screaming.

Soon, The door opened, and I saw this... this orange _thing_ with a deranged red spiky topped thing attached to it. Screaming.

Hobbes kicked Calvin off, and turned to me.

"Hello, Socrates." he said. "Come in, come in. Our home is your home."

I grinned, and walked into the house.

"Hmm, nice place you have here." I observed.

"AND EVERYTHING UP THE STAIRS IS OFF LIMITS!" Calvin screamed "HURRY, HOBBES! UP THE STAIRS!"

Calvin scrambled up the stairs and dove into a door on the top floor.

Hey, that rhymes! Door. Floor.

Heh, heh. Maybe I could write a poem for my next story.

Well, Hobbes gave me the grand tour of the house.

It was a nice place.

The telephone could use updating, though. So could the TV. and the radio, and the computer operating system, and the cassette player, and the...

Come to think of it, _everything_ in that house needed updating.

I mean, the _washing machine_ even seemed obsolete.

When I asked Hobbes about this, he replied with, "Calvin's dad thinks that transportation should've stopped at the bicycle."

YIKES!

What a horrible fate to be living with someone like _that!_

Well, after the tour of the house, Calvin dared to peek out of his room.

He glared at me.

"SOCRATES, I'M ON TO YOU, YOU ORANGE HAIRBALL!"

He then turned a glare on Hobbes.

"HOBBES! YOU'RE SHOWING HIM THE HOUSE! HOW CAN YOU BE SO DUMB!"

And with that, he slammed the door.

_**SLAM!**_

He slammed it so hard, several pictures on the wall shook, and almost fell to the ground.

Hobbes and I stared at the door.

"So," I asked. "Is he always like this?"

"Only when company comes." Hobbes replied.

Uh huh.

I furrowed my brow, scowled, and rubbed my chin.

Well, now. I would just have to loosen him up a bit wouldn't I?

My brow still furrowed, a wide grin spread across my face.

Ha, ha, Ho, ho, hee, hee, ha, ha!

I had been saving this prank for _just_ such an occasion!

You may be asking yourself, "How is Socrates going to prank Calvin into trusting him?"

Believe me, when my pranks are involved, _anything_ is possible.

I told Hobbes about my plan.

He agreed to help me set it up.

I spent fifteen minutes preparing the trap.

You see, Once Calvin stepped on the rope, he would be flung into a tree. The net a placed in the tree would catch him, and he would bounce off, and start hurling toward a ten gallon bucket of water. When he landed in the water, the bucket would be knocked over, and he'd roll down the hill towards the creek. He'd fall into the creek, and the current, traveling at three miles per hour, would carry him four feet eastward, until the catapult I had set up in the water would fling him into his roof.

Whew! Hope I didn't forget anything.

How would this help him trust me, you may ask?

Heh, heh.

Before he reached the catapult, I would grab him out of the creek from a tree, and save him.

Pretty slick, huh?

Heh, heh.

Now that Hobbes and I had the trap set up, how were we going to get Calvin out of his room?

"I'll go get him." Hobbes said, running off.

Really?

Oh good, I thought I was going to have to carry him out here.

Hobbes went into the house.

There was a moment of silence.

Then, I heard the sounds of dynamite and bulldozers, alerting me that Calvin had exited his room.

How had Hobbes done that so quickly?

Ah well, didn't matter.

I had a kid to torture.

I mean save. Yeah, that's it. Save. Not... torture.

Hobbes came out, followed shortly by his royal highness.

Calvin came storming out the house, pumping his arms, and staring at me with a superior glare.

This was going to be good.

Calvin came marching over to me.

"Alright, cat!" He snarled. "I know what you're up to, and what you _think_ you're up to! And if you think I'm stupid enough to fall for your little charade, then you are badly mistaken!"

He didn't see it.

Trust me.

Calvin came marching closer.

He was only inches away from the rope, yes, yes, when he...

What was he doing?

He made a full turn around, and marched for the garage.

What was the deal, here?

I had so cleverly set up this trap and he...

This wasn't fair. He was taking shortcuts and tricks and unfair advantages!

Had Hobbes told him what I was doing? Surely not. He wanted Calvin's insane screeching at me to stop too, so what the heck was that kid...

Oh.

Calvin came out of the garage carrying three masks, a bunch of flags, a volleyball, croquet equipment, baseball equipment, basketball equipment, football equipment, and other random things he could fit into his arms.

He came marching over to me, and dumped all of the stuff in front of me.

My eyes went from the gaming equipment to him, and back to the gaming equipment.

Uhhhh...

Had I missed something?

Calvin shoved a black mask into my face.

"You're playing Calvinball with me and Hobbes!"

"Calvinball?"

"I'm glad you asked."

Calvin spent the next few minutes discussing Calvinball with me.

Did I say the next few minutes?

I'm sorry.

It only took him two seconds to explain everything to me.

"You make the game up as you go, hurry up and put on the mask."

I took the mask and stared at it.

"Why do I have to wear a mask?" I asked.

Do you know what he said then?

"Sorry. No one is allowed to question the masks."

Oh brother.

Well, this was very strange.

Calvin had invited me to take part in this game I knew nothing about, and he hated me.

But that's not what bothered me.

What bothered me is that he didn't step on the rope.

Bummer.

Calvin marched out behind his house.

Hobbes and I watched.

Hobbes' eyes went from Calvin to me.

He blinked, and followed Calvin.

I cut my eyes from side to side.

For some reason... my plan wasn't working the way I had expected it to.

I rushed after Calvin and Hobbes.

What the heck, Maybe the game wont be all that bad.

Make it up as you go, huh.

Hmmm,

Well, I'll give it a shot.

I walked over to a field behind their house, where I saw Calvin and Hobbes both put on their masks on.

I put my mask on, and crossed my arms.

"Alright." Calvin said. "I have the Calvinball, so I'm temporally king of the Calvinfield."

Huh?

I watched as Hobbes attempted to get the ball away from Calvin, and Calvin would call out new rules, and tell on how Hobbes was in the corr... whatever zone.

This was making no sense.

Calvin suddenly jabbed a finger at me, and screamed, "SOCRATES! YOU'RE IN THE BACKWARDS AREA! YOU MUST RUN BACKWARDS UNTIL YOU REACH THE FORWARD PLACE!"

I stared into Calvin's masked face.

"What?"

"Do it, or you're disqualified."

"This game is ridiculous. There's no point!"

"Yes there is. You just said it. For discovering the true meaning to Calvinball you get to make a decree."

"A decree?"

"That's right, a decree. Hurry up."

"Hmmm," I rubbed my chin, and thought. "Very well. I decree that you must give me the Calvinball."

Calvin stared at me, and handed the Calvinball to me.

Hmmm, this was very interesting.

I grabbed the ball, and twirled it on my finger.

"You must now squawk like a parrot, and run around in circles, flapping your arms. Both of you."

"Wait a minute!" Calvin yelled, running forward. "You only get to make one decree!"

"Yeah, but I have the Calvinball." I grinned. "Since I have it, I get to make as many decrees as I want."

"Oops." Hobbes said.

"Oh no you don't!" Calvin yelled.

He ran into the house, and came out seconds later dragging a box with him.

Hobbes' eyes crossed.

Calvin heaved the box to a flag sticking out of the ground, threw the box on top, and pushed a button on top of it.

ZAP!

Calvin lifted the box and...

HUH!

The flag had vanished, and in its place was a skunk.

What the...

OK, what we had here was some kind of advanced changer thing.

What did he call it?

Oh yes, the Transmogrifier.

Calvin turned a worldly smile on me.

"HA! AND HA!" He yelled. "You can't make me do anything! Or I'll set rosebud here onto you!"

I stared at the skunk.

"Very well." He said. "New rule. If I can turn the skunk back into flag, then I get to make another decree."

Calvin and Hobbes exchanged glances.

Calvin shrugged.

"Sure. Fine. Whatever."

At this point, I can not reveal how I pranked the skunk back under the box.

You think the skunk sprayed me right? You think I was contaminated for weeks, right!

HA!

No way!

I got that sucker back under the box within three minutes. And once again, I can not reveal how.

I'll say only that it required lots of patience. Too little force, and he won't go into the box. Too much force and POW! I'd stink for weeks.

The point is that I got the skunk back under the box, and turned him back into a flag.

Calvin's eyes nearly bugged out of his head.

He wasn't happy about me doing this.

Tee hee.

I studied the box.

It had a little switch on it that went from TRANSMOGRIFIER to DUPLICATOR to TIME MACHINE.

Heh heh.

I switched it to duplicator, and the box flipped over onto its side.

Calvin and Hobbes watched me.

I threw the flag in, and started pushing buttons with numbers on it.

2,354,58,323,485,425,763,465,723.

I just sat there, and pushed my paws into the buttons.

When I had a very large number, I hit the button, and a sound emitted from it.

_BOINK!_

Red flags exploded out of the duplicator.

BOOM!

Calvin and Hobbes ducked, and all of the flags flew into the forest.

I looked around, and blinked.

Then I grinned.

"I decree that you must go into the forest, and collect those flags! All extremely large number of them!"

Calvin and Hobbes stared at me, groaned, and shuffled into the forest.

Hee hee.

Calvin and Hobbes didn't get back to the house until later that night.

* * *

I was waiting on the doorstep, filing my nails, when they came up, dumped the flags into the duplicator, and pushed the undo button. 

UN-BOINK!

Calvin came walking up to me.

I gave him a lazy grin.

"Hi. How ya doing today?"

He wiped the sweat from his brow, and, this was very strange, he gave me a silly grin.

"Good game, Socrates. That was one of the most fun games of Calvinball ever."

Uhhh...

He shoved a finger at me.

"But don't think I don't still not hate you, cat!"

I put the nail file away and stared at him.

"However." Calvin spat, crossing his arms. "Me and Hobbes had a talk, and I've decided to let you two become buddies."

I stared at him.

"Really?"

"Really. Tigers are rare, therefore, Hobbes is lucky to have one of his own around."

"Huh."

Calvin marched into the house, grumbling to himself.

I watched him go.

Well, what do you know?

Calvin had lightened up.

Now isn't that sweet?

I don't know what had gotten into him... but...

Suddenly, Hobbes came up.

"Hi Socrates. What Calvin say?"

"I'm not sure if I should tell you." I muttered. "You wouldn't believe it."

"Did he say that tigers are rare, therefore, I'm is lucky to have one of my own around?"

I stared at him with thoughtful eyes.

"You set him up." I said.

"What makes you think that?"

"You did that so we'd be civil to each other."

"I did?"

"You did."

"Huh."

I grinned at him.

"You're almost as sneaky as me."

"Thanks."

"Your welcome."

At that very moment, there was a twang, and a rush of wind, and Hobbes found himself hanging upside down from a rope from a tree, swinging back and forth in the wind.

I grinned at him.

"Oops, sorry about that, Hobbo. Couldn't resist."

"HELP!" Hobbes yelled.

Heh, heh, heh.

Well, it took Hobbes fifteen minutes cutting the rope down, and getting down to the ground.

I chuckled, and dusted my hands together.

"I'd say this was a visit well done."

Hobbes picked himself up, and dusted himself off.

Then he glared at me.

"Don't ever do that, again."

"Righto."

I then told Hobbes goodnight, and left to go back home.

To my very impressive mansion.

And that's the story on how I introduced myself to cool cat named Hobbes. And a whiny little tornado named Calvin.

From that point on, I was great friends with Hobbes.

And great enemies with Calvin.

Who could what anything else!

Oh yes, by the way, Calvin eventually did step on that rope trap I set up.

Ha ha!

You should've have heard his screaming!

First he stepped on the rope.

There was a twang, and he went flying into a tree, screaming his head off.

The net caught him, and he bounced off. Still screaming his head off.

He landed in the ten gallon bucket of water, knocking it over, and he began rolling down the hill towards the creek. Screaming.

Then he fell into the creek, and he began streaming down to the south. Screaming bloody murder, and flapping his arms in all directions.

At this point I would've climbed into the tree, and saved him but...

Well, I already had his trust.

Sort of.

So, I, tee hee, watched with great interest as the catapult caught him, and sent him flying through the sky.

He looked like an I don't know what.

Like a flying squirrel. A screaming flying squirrel.

He crash landed onto his roof, and fell back to the ground.

It was very fun, watching this.

He screamed at me for several minutes, and I stood there, mapping out more pranks in my mind.

He doesn't seem to realize that the more he screams at me, the more time I have to think up of a new prank.

Tee hee.

Well, Calvin screamed and yelled at me, then stormed back into house, screaming his head off.

Heh heh.

Calvin and I were going to have _a lot_ of fun together.

**The End

* * *

**

**Voice work:**

**Pamela Segal:** Calvin

**Tom Hanks:** Hobbes

**Ryan Stiles:** Socrates

**Coming up Next:** Camping on a Deserted Rock is Fun!


	27. Camping on a Deserted Rock is FUN!

_Swing123: From here on, Fanfiction member Garfieldodie will be co writing Calvin and Hobbes: The Series. So I'd like to thank him for the help. Thank you._

_

* * *

_

**Summary: **Calvin and Hobbes go on a camping trip with Dad

* * *

_And now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series  
Written by Swing123 and garfieldodie_

**Camping on a Deserted Rock is FUN!**

"**_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_**"

Calvin flew out of the livingroom, zoomed up the stairs, exploded into his room, slammed the door, and dove into his closet.

"HOBBES! HIDE!"

Hobbes' had shot up.

He dropped the comic book, and dove into the closet after Calvin.

"WHAT IS IT!" Hobbes yelled. "You made another invention and it blew up, didn't it!"

Calvin glared at him.

"No." he spat. "Dad just stated that he was going to take us camping on the most desolate place on Earth!"

"YEEK!" He yelled. "EVEN WORSE!"

Suddenly, the sound of the door creaking reached Calvin and Hobbes' ears.

Footsteps entered the room.

Someone was coming for the closet.

"It's coming!" Calvin hissed. "Back up into the closet."

Calvin and Hobbes ducked deeper into the closet.

The door opened.

Dad stood in the doorway, staring down at Calvin.

Calvin stared back up at him.

"Get packed." He said. "Bring only the essentials."

And with that, he left.

Calvin and Hobbes exchanged glances.

"Darn." Calvin said.

"You heard the man." Hobbes said, standing up. "Bring only the essentials. We'll need atomic bug spray."

"And, we'll need to bring a TV, DVD player, and over sixty five miles worth of extension cords."

Hobbes stared at him.

"Uhhh.. Yeah."

Calvin packed all his inventions, his comic books, his dart gun, and he tried to get the TV, but Dad caught him, trying to haul it into the car.

Calvin piled everything into his Hypercube, and walked outside with Hobbes.

Mom and Dad were staring at Calvin as he walked towards the car.

Calvin shoved his duffle bag into the car, and sat down on the seat.

He buckled himself in, then buckled Hobbes in, and sat there, grumbling to himself about all the injustices in the world.

Dad put the key into the ignition, and started the car.

Soon, they reached the huge city that went towards the lake, and then the island they always camp on.

"Wait, Dad, here's our chance!" Calvin yelled. "Let's stop here, and stay at a hotel for a week! I wont tell anyone if you don't!"

"That's a great idea!" Mom said.

"Now, don't _you_ start!" Dad spat. "We're going to have fun, this week, on the most perfect place in the universe."

"Orlando, I hope." Calvin said.

Dad ignored him.

* * *

Soon, they reached the parking place at the edge of the lake.

Dad untied the canoe from the tope of the car, and heaved it into the water.

Calvin, Hobbes, and Mom watched.

"Aren't you going to help?" Dad huffed.

"Why?" Calvin asked.

"We'll get to the island faster." Dad gasped.

"I'm not helping." Mom said.

"I'm not helping." Calvin said.

"Nope." Hobbes said.

Dad huffed and wheezed, and finally got the canoe into the water.

"OK, gang!" He yelled, as if nobody had insulted him. "Let's go have some fun!"

"I'm right behind you." Calvin said.

He hopped into the car with Hobbes.

Mom got into the car with Calvin.

Dad's eyes squeezed shut.

"GET OUT OF THE CAR!" He screamed.

Mom, Calvin and Hobbes grumpily exited the car.

They all piled into the car, and Dad pushed off, and they started towards the island.

Minutes went by, as Mom and Dad operated the paddles, and Calvin sat in the canoe with Hobbes, sulking.

When they reached the island, Everyone except Calvin and Hobbes got out of the canoe.

It took Dad twenty minutes to get Calvin out of the canoe.

Calvin sat on the rock, as Dad started taking the tent out of the duffel bag.

"Well, Hobbes, we're trapped." Calvin spat. "We'll probably rot here on this rock, and never be heard from again. And when the future archeologists dig us up, they'll find fossilized spam in our digestive systems."

"Gee, I wonder if those future archeologists will be humans or robots." Hobbes asked.

"Who cares!" Calvin yelled. "The point is that we have to get off this stupid island, before it's too late!"

"Yeah, right."

"Calvin, I have your tent set up." Dad called.

ZOOM!

There was a blur of red, and a high gust of wind, and Calvin was inside the tent.

Hobbes was already there.

Calvin glared at him, and didn't bother to ask how he had gotten there first.

Calvin took out his duffle bag, and pulled a comic book out.

He spent the next few minutes reading his comic books until Dad called him outside.

Reluctantly, Calvin exited the tent to find Mr Nature Freak grinning down at him with a stupid grin on his face.

Mom was nowhere in sight.

"What do you want?" Calvin muttered.

"Are you just going to spend all day in that tent?" Dad asked.

"Do you really not know?" Calvin asked.

Dad held his hand outward.

"We have an entire island here to explore! Don't you want to discover the wonders of nature!"

Calvin stared at him.

"Do you really not know?" He repeated.

Dad glared at him.

"We're going on a hike!" He spat. "We're going to get in touch with our natural selves!"

"I'd rather get in touch with my Television side, if it's all the same to you." Calvin said, turning to go back into the tent.

Dad grabbed his shirt collar.

"_WE'RE GOING TO EXPLORE!_" He screamed.

Calvin and Hobbes exchanged long glances.

Dad walked down a trail in the dirt.

He had a day hike backpack on, and Mom, Calvin and Hobbes were behind him with bored expressions on their faces.

Dad, however, had a wide grin on his face, and he continued to look around in all directions as if he'd never seen the color green, before.

That's all that was around the family.

A thick blanket of green.

Calvin, Hobbes, Mom and Dad's pants were all soaking wet from walking through wet plants.

Except, Hobbes doesn't wear pants, so he was the only one who didn't get his pants wet.

He got his legs wet.

Calvin was not enjoying the hike.

"Can we turn back now? My leg hurts! Are you listening to me? I wanna go back to the tent. Why can't we turn back, yet? These feet are killing me! HELP!"

Dad ignored him, and the march continued.

"What do you say we stop for a snack, gang?"

Mom and Calvin stared at Dad with expressionless faces.

Hobbes was sitting next by, picking the leafs off of a fern.

Dad took his backpack off, and reached into it.

"Who wants a strawberry energy bar!" He said, cheerfully.

Everyone stared at him.

Calvin grabbed the bar out of his hand.

"_Energy_ bar? Let me see that!"

Calvin ripped the wrapping off, and took a bite.

Hmmm.

A soft chewy substance with strawberry filling.

Calvin wolfed the bar down in three bites.

Mom took a bar too, and started eating.

"Wow!" Calvin said. "This beats that horrible spam sandwiches we have at dinner! I wanna another one!"

Dad handed Calvin second bar.

Calvin gulped it down in two bites.

Then he demanded for more.

Dad closed the pack up.

"We'll have more at our next rest stop. Let's continue moving."

Calvin, Mom and Hobbes' eyes rolled into the back of their heads.

The _next_ rest stop?

HA!

They didn't even stop long enough to pant.

They walked around the island three times, before they actually realized that they were lost.

Calvin was the first one to make the startling discovery.

"WHERE THE HECK _ARE_ WE!" He screamed, throwing his arms into the air.

Dad stopped.

Mom stopped.

Calvin stopped.

Hobbes ran right into Calvin, the little dunce.

Dad looked around in all directions.

He saw... green.

A thick wall of green plant life.

Terrific.

Hobbes began shivering.

Dad scratched his chin in thought.

Calvin, Mom, and Hobbes all started yelling at once.

"_YOU GOT US LOST ON YOUR STUPID HIKE!_" They all screamed in unison.

Do you know what Dad did then?

He turned a silly grin onto his family.

"This is great, gang!"

Everyone stared at him in disbelief.

"Funny." Calvin said. "Because the last time I checked, getting lost in a thick jungle on a deserted island was _BAD!_"

"Don't you get it!" Dad yelled. "This will be a perfect time to get out all our survival skills and live off the land!"

Everyone stared at the lunatic in front of them.

"Are you serious?" Calvin demanded.

"I'm not hunting anything." Mom said.

"Are we going to grow beards?" Hobbes asked, referring back to the movie _Cast Away_.

"I'm not making any friends with a volleyball!" Calvin declared.

Well, as you can imagine, ol' Father Nature was beside himself with joy.

And, you can imagine his disappointment when Calvin found the tents fifteen minutes later.

Calvin immediately dove into his tent with Hobbes, and refused to come out, even when dinner was served.

This doesn't mean he didn't out.

Dad somehow dragged him out, and put him next to a camp fire.

And no, I don't know how he did it.

But the point is that he did, and Calvin found himself trying to digest rocks and sawdust or whatever it was that Dad put in that sandwich he gave him.

It tasted like... raw fish. With sawdust for flavor.

Hobbes, meanwhile, was laying on his back, sleeping his life away, and opening his eyes long enough to watch Calvin gag and choke on the sandwiches that his own father was feeding to him.

Cruel huh?

And in case you're wondering, yes, Hobbes did take time out of his busy schedule, to laugh insanely whenever that happened.

Calvin glared at Hobbes murderously, and continued to try and digest that horrible spam sandwich Dad expected him to eat.

* * *

The next morning, Calvin took some duct tape out of his hypercube, removed the outside zipper to the tent and locked themselves inside.

When Father Nature came to wake him up at the coldest hour of the morning, he found that the zipper was gone, and was replaced with duct tape.

Dad had a lot to say about that. And most of it wasn't all that cheerful, either.

Finally, to Calvin and Hobbes' relief, Dad left, grumbling to himself about getting his DNA tested one of these days.

As soon as he left, the boy and the tiger fell right off to sleep again.

What do you think Dad did then?

A: Went back to bed.

B: Told everyone it was time to go.

Or C: Went to go bug Mom.

Those of you who chose A or B, you're not watching enough of these episodes.

"Dear?" Dad asked, looking into the tent. "Come on, we have to go on another hike!"

"_WHY!_" Mom yelled, pulling the sleeping bag over her head.

"Because, this is the best time of day!" Dad said, pointing at the lake. "See? The air is crisp, there's a mist around the lake! This is a perfect time for a hike!"

Mom glared at him.

"You're not going to stop bugging me are you?" She growled.

"Nope."

Mom sighed, and kicked the sleeping bag off.

She refused to say anything to Dad as she put on her boots, and prepared to leave.

Soon, though, she was ready, and Dad was waiting outside.

"Calvin!" Dad called. "We're going on a hike! Do you want to come or not?"

"**_SNORE!_**" Calvin screamed from inside his tent.

Dad's eye narrowed to slits.

"Fine!" he yelled. "We'll go without you."

"SNORE!"

"You'll be sorry of course!" Dad yelled.

"SNORE!"

"Your mother and I will get in touch with nature, and you wont!"

"SNORE!"

Dad grumbled to himself, and lead Mom into the woods.

"Are they gone?" Hobbes asked.

"Obviously. The noise has stopped." Calvin hissed.

Hobbes yawned, and pulled the sleeping bag over his head.

He peeked at Calvin's watch.

Five o'clock AM.

Figures.

He closed his eyes and fell asleep.

The hands on Calvin's watch progressively turned.

Five turned into six. Six turned into eight. Eight turned into ten. Ten turned into noon.

By this time, Calvin's eyes began drift open.

He sat up, and yawned.

He looked around.

Dad hadn't gotten back yet.

That was just fine with Calvin.

He laid back down and fell asleep again.

* * *

Mom and Dad were still on their hike.

After a few hours of hiking, they had come to a part of the island they had never been to before.

Dad moved some weeds out the way, and looked around.

"Hey dear, come look at this."

"I'm not smelling anymore poison sumac!" Mom yelled, stomping over.

Dad glared at her, and said, "I showed you _one_ sumac plant, and _you_ just can't let it go, can ya?"

Dad pointed at a large cave in the rock wall.

"I found a cave. Why don't we go look at it?" He asked.

"No way." Mom said. "What if there's a rock slide?"

"There wont." Dad insisted.

"How do you know?" Mom spat.

"Because, when I was in my twenties, I went spelunking in hundreds of caves, and I never got caught in a rock slide."

Mom crossed her eyes.

"Those weren't even caves." She muttered. "They were giant cracks in the rocks."

"Never mind." Dad muttered. "Let's just go look at it."

And with that, Dad slowly started walking into the cave.

Mom sighed and followed.

"See, how terrible is this?" Dad asked, bending forward, and walking forward, holding a flashlight.

"We're going to get trapped." Mom said.

"No we're not. Quit worrying."

Dad paused for a second, and leaned against the rock wall.

"We have to show this to Calvin! He'll love this!"

"Yeah right." Mom muttered.

"What?"

"Yeah. He sure would. Right."

"Yes sir. Before we do that, we better go through here real quick to make sure it's safe."

"It's not."

"Yes it is. Let's move into this little tunnel for a second."

Slowly, Mom and Dad moved across the cave tunnel.

They came to a small room.

"Hey!" Dad yelled. "This is cool!"

"And dangerous." Mom said.

Dad rolled his eyes.

"For the last time, dear, we are not going to get caught in a rock slide!"

Do you know what happened then?

Dad punched a rock in order to make his point, and it came out.

CRACK!

Mom and Dad looked up.

Dad had punched out a pretty big boulder.

And the wall where it once was laying was now... uh... collapsing.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Mom and Dad screamed, and ran off.

They dove into another tunnel, as over a ton of rocks all collapsed in front of the entrance of the cave.

FOOM!

Dust and dirt flew everywhere for a minute, then when it settled, Mom and Dad emerged from the tunnel.

Mom turned to Dad.

"You were saying?"

"Never mind." Dad said.

* * *

Several hours went by.

Around three o'clock, Calvin woke up, and yawned again.

"Wake up, Hobbes." He smacked. "It's lunch time."

Hobbes' eyes drifted open.

"Mumbling catfish salad." He said.

Calvin's eyes narrowed.

"Hobbes, don't make me get out my scream horn."

"Tell your spaghetti leaves to double clutch the peanut butter."

"Very well. You have no one to blame but yourself." Calvin said, reaching into his duffle bag.

"I donkey that."

Calvin rooted through his duffle bag and pulled out an red air horn, and a pair of ear muffs.

He put on the ear muffs, and held the air horns out at arm's length.

_**HHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNKKKKK!**_

Hobbes' eyes flew open, revealing... not much, his lips shot up, revealing a wall of teeth, and he leaped three feet into the air, got tangled up in the tent, and fell back to the ground.

His eyes rolled around in his head, then they finally focused onto Calvin.

He was putting his ear muffs and scream horn away.

"Hobbes, it's time to get up."

"I've noticed."

"Because according to my watch it's time for Mom and Dad to take us home!"

"WHOO HOO!" Calvin and Hobbes both yelled in unison, their fists shooting into the air.

Calvin somehow clawed his way out of the tent, and looked around.

"MOM! DAD!" Calvin called.

No one answered.

Calvin and Hobbes exchanged glances.

"MOM! DAD! IT'S TIME TO GO!"

No response.

Calvin scratched his head in confusion.

"That's odd." He muttered. "Usually Dad hides when _Mom_ says it's time to go."

"Where's your mom?" Hobbes asked.

"No idea." Calvin said.

He started to panic.

"Oh no! This is bad! This is terrible! _DAD HAS THE CAR KEYS!_"

Calvin and Hobbes looked all around the campsite.

They found no trace of Mom or Dad.

Hobbes was looking in Mom and Dad's tent for the fiftieth time, when he heard a beeping noise.

He looked up, and saw Calvin walking towards him, holding a red CD player with a hologram shooting out of it.

Hobbes prepared to perform his famous vanishing act, but Calvin grabbed him by the tail, and drug him over.

"Look Hobbes, I'm going to scan the island for Mom and Dad. They have to be here. The canoe's still here."

Calvin pushed a button on the MTM.

A message came out.

_Oh hi. I suppose you want me to do something high tech and cool, so you'll take all the credit. Am a correct?_

Calvin blinked.

_Yes._

He typed back.

The MTM responded.

_Just remember those "machine triumph over man kind" movies, bucko_

And with that, a beeping radar screen came onto the hologram.

"Calvin, your MTM is starting to scare me." Hobbes said.

"You worry to much. He always says that." Calvin said.

At that very moment, another message came onto the screen.

_Specified persons located_

the digital map immediately zoomed in on the west end of the island.

Two red dots appeared in a thickly wooded area, and started blinking.

"I had a dog, and his name was _bingo!_" Calvin grinned.

Hobbes stared at the map.

"Calvin, they're over five miles away from our campsite!"

"Better bring a pack lunch." Calvin said, picking up his Time Pauser and Transmogrifier Gun.

"Hoo boy." Hobbes sighed.

Several minutes later, Calvin and Hobbes were hiking through the dense forestry.

The MTM was leading them towards the area where Mom and Dad were.

So far they were getting nowhere.

Hobbes tried to sneak away several times, but Calvin kept catching him.

"OK." Calvin said, "We've reached Mom and Dad's reported location."

He looked around, in all directions.

"I can't find anything." He said.

"Try calling for them." Hobbes suggested.

Calvin took a breath in, and called, "**_MOM! DAD! WHERE ARE YOU! GET OUT HERE SO WE CAN LEAVE! I'M MISSING GARFIELD AND FRIENDS!_**"

No one answered.

Hobbes began shivering.

"They have to be around here somewhere." Calvin thought out loud.

He consulted the MTM's map.

"I don't get it, Hobbes. They're supposed to be _right _here!"

"Maybe they left."

"Impossible."

Calvin grabbed the MTM.

"WHERE ARE THEY!" He yelled at it.

A hologram shot out.

_Over there, dunce._

A blinking red arrow came on, and pointed in the direction right in front of them.

Calvin and Hobbes' eyes drifted down from the arrow, and fixed on a thick wall of green.

They blinked.

"Oh." Calvin said.

He put the MTM in his pocket, and turned to Hobbes.

"OK, Hobbes, you first."

Hobbes looked shocked.

"_ME_! Why do I have to go first?"

Calvin poked Hobbes in the chest.

"Because if I go first, you'll rush off for the tents, you little weenie. Get in there!"

Hobbes moaned and cried, but Calvin refused to listen.

Calvin shoved him into the weeds, and then followed.

When he emerged from the ferns, he found Hobbes.

His arms were crossed, and he had a smug smile on his face.

"Calvin," he asked. "Did you check the batteries on that MTM?"

Calvin stared.

"Yes."

"Well, they must not have been very good."

Hobbes stepped aside, and revealed...

Well not much.

A solid wall of rock.

Calvin's eyes blanked out.

"Huh?" He stuttered. "But... but...but...but... but... but... the MTM is never wrong! How could this happen?"

"HOW COULD YOU TRUST YOUR INVENTIONS WITH SUCH A DANGEROUS TASK!" Hobbes screamed.

"Well, duh! What did you _expect_ me to use out here! Poison sumac?"

Hobbes stared at him in disbelief.

"You're unbelievable!" he spat.

"Thanks"

"Your welcome."

Calvin scanned the rock with the MTM.

"Hmmmm," He considered. "This is interesting."

Hobbes stood on the side, tapping his foot impatiently.

"What are you doing!" he demanded.

Calvin grinned, and handed Hobbes the MTM.

Hobbes took it, and studied the hologram.

It showed a 3-D picture of the rock in front of them.

As he studied it, his eyes grew wide.

The rock had a large hole in it.

"Oh." Hobbes said.

Calvin took the MTM, set it on laser mode, and prepared to blast a hole into the rock.

_**ZEEEEAP!**_

A red light shot out of the tip of the MTM, and blasted into the rock.

Rocks flew everywhere, as Calvin dug deeper into it.

Finally, the laser broke through the rock, and entered the cave.

"SCORE!" Calvin screamed.

He shut off the MTM, and began to dig with his hands.

Hobbes stood on the side, with his hands behind his back.

Calvin turned a glare onto Hobbes.

"Aren't you going to help?" He demanded.

"No." Hobbes said. "The dirt makes my paws brown. Besides, there might be spiders in there."

Calvin rolled his eyes, and continued digging.

He paused for a moment, and noticed that his hands were covered with dirt.

Plus, there was a great big spider on one of the rocks.

How on Earth did Hobbes...

Never mind.

Calvin dusted his hands together, blew the spider away, and continued digging.

Finally, he had a hole large enough to climb through.

He forced Hobbes to go in first.

Calvin had to deal with moaning, groaning, and wailing, but somehow, Calvin shoved him into the cave.

Calvin went in next.

After Calvin climbed in, he dusted himself off, and put his MTM into his backpack.

* * *

Mom and Dad were sitting in the small room in the cave.

They had been in there for hours, and they weren't happy about it.

Let me rephrase that.

Mom wasn't happy about it. Dad was overcome with joy.

Why?

Because he thought that this cave could be a good place to camp next year.

Yes, you read that last sentence right.

* * *

Calvin and Hobbes began going through the cave.

"I wonder why Mom and Dad went in here." Calvin said, turning the MTM's flashlight to LOW.

Several spiders scurried away as the light spewed out of the MTM.

"OK, now where are they?" Calvin asked himself, looking around in all directions.

They walked for a while, and then they came to a fork in the road, so to speak.

Calvin and Hobbes' eyes went down one tunnel to the other.

There was a moment of silence.

"Shall we split up?" Calvin suggested.

"No." Hobbes said. "We use your stupid CD player!"

Calvin's eyes blanked out.

"Oh yeah. Almost forgot about that."

Calvin pushed a button on the MTM.

A hologram shot out, and came up in front of them.

A holographic green arrow pointed down the left tunnel.

"There ya go!" Calvin yelled, rushing down the tunnel.

Hobbes followed.

Calvin and Hobbes ran for three minutes.

They finally had to stop and rest.

Calvin wiped sweat from his brow, and panted.

Suddenly, the MTM went dead, and Calvin and Hobbes were plunged into darkness.

"What just happened?" Hobbes asked.

"We must be going deeper into the ground." Calvin gasped. "I recently updated the MTM, and it's solar powered, now."

"CALVIN'S THE STUPIDEST IDEA I'VE EVER HEARD!" Hobbes screamed. "WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRY TO USE IT AT NIGHT! _OR INSIDE A DARK CAVE!_"

"Good point." Calvin considered. "Very well, I'll switch it back to rechargeable battery powered when we get out of the cave."

Hobbes eyes slammed shut.

"MOM! DAD!" Calvin called. "WHERE ARE YOU!"

Calvin turned the LCD light on his digital watch on, and checked the time.

"I'VE MISSED GARFIELD AND FRIENDS, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW! I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!"

At that very moment, Calvin heard voices. And it wasn't his echo.

Mom came running down th tunnel towards Calvin.

"CALVIN!" She screamed. "THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE HERE! How did you get through the rock slide?"

"I used my MTM to blast a hole into it, of course." Calvin said.

Mom stared at him.

"Never mind. Dear! Calvin's here!"

Dad came walking up.

"Hey, Calvin! Neat cave isn't it?"

Calvin's eyes nearly bugged out of his head.

"ALRIGHT, MR FATHER NATURE! I DEMAND THAT YOU GET ME OUT OF THIS TORTURE DEATH TRAP YOU CALL A VACATION!"

Dad glared at him.

"Don't talk to your father like that, Calvin." He said.

"I DEMAND A LAWYER!"

"Dear, would you step in here, please?" Dad asked.

"Sorry, I agree with him." Mom said.

Dad's eyes closed.

After they had exited the cave, Dad had agreed to take the family home.

He got the canoe ready, packed everything up, ignoring Calvin's suggestions to just put it all in the Hypercube, and they piled into the canoe.

"Gee," Dad said, as he began rowing. "Do you think it will be a culture shock to get back into civilization so abruptly?"

Mom, Calvin and Hobbes all stared at the strange creature in front of them.

"No." Calvin said. "Boy, I can't wait to get back to the car and crank up the old AC! ROW FASTER WOULD YA!"

"Calvin, this is as fast as I can go!" Mom said.

"Hey, I think I can see the car, now." Hobbes said.

"Hobbes says he can see the car now." Calvin said.

Guess what happened next.

Mom started rowing faster.

Dad glared at Calvin.

"One of these days I'm going to get my DNA tested." He muttered to himself.

**The End**

**Voice work**

**Pamela Segall Aldon:** Calvin

**Tom Hanks:** Hobbes

**Bill Murray: **Dad

**Jennifer Love Hewitt: **Mom

**Dee Bradley Baker:** Miscellaneous voice work

**Coming up next: **Tonsil Terror _(Story idea by Garfieldodie)_


	28. Tonsil Terror

**Summary: **To Hobbes' terror and Socrates' delight, Calvin needs to get his tonsils removed. Calvin. In a hospital. YIKES!

* * *

_And now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series  
__Written by Swing123 and garfieldodie_

**Tonsil Terror**

It was Thursday in the Calvin and Hobbes household.

Yes, I believe it was November.

Mom and Dad were sitting down to breakfast.

"CALVIN!" Mom shouted. "It's time to get up!"

No response, which was normal.

"CALVIN!" shouted Mom again. "Get down here!"

Still nothing.

"CALVIN, GET DOWN HERE! IT'S TIME FOR SCHOOL!"

Still no response.

Mom growled and stomped upstairs.

She kicked open Calvin's door and burst inside.

"CALVIN, GET UP! THE BUS WILL BE HERE IN FIFTEEN MINUTES!"

Calvin grabbed a pillow and tried hard to drift back to sleep.

"GET UP! GET UP! GET UP!" Mom hollered.

Hobbes was under the covers.

"Will you please humor her?" he whispered.

Calvin simply nodded.

Anything to get this crazy woman out of his bedroom.

Calvin slid out of bed and onto the floor…

…only to fall over onto his stomach.

"Get up and get dressed," Mom ordered.

She stomped downstairs and slammed the door.

Calvin held his head and groaned.

"I don't feel good," he moaned.

"Yeah, nice spin," muttered Hobbes. "Be sure to close the door when you leave, okay?"

Hobbes waited for Calvin to yell something in response.

He waited for a good five seconds.

Nothing happened.

Hobbes looked over at Calvin, who was still lying on the floor.

The poor kid was asleep again.

"Sigh," Hobbes said. "It's gonna be another one of those mornings, I see."

Hobbes got out of bed and helped Calvin up.

Then he yanked open a drawer on the dresser, and yanked Calvin's PJs off. After tossing them aside, he helped Calvin put on his classic red shirt, black pants, red socks, and purplish red shoes.

Actually, _Hobbes_ pretty much did all the work.

Calvin was still drifting back to sleep.

Now, Calvin has been known to be sluggish in the morning, but give me a break!

Hobbes got behind Calvin and pushed him gently.

Calvin didn't really respond. He just stood there, almost lifeless.

Hobbes sighed and picked him up.

"You're a lousy actor, you know that?" he said.

Calvin didn't say anything.

Hobbes took him downstairs and placed him in a chair in the kitchen. Then he left and went back upstairs.

Mom and Dad were sitting there, not really watching.

Calvin reached over and grabbed a bowl. Then he grabbed the Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs and poured them.

However, because he was still in a daze, he poured them all over the place.

Dad looked up.

Then Calvin grabbed the milk and attempted to pour it in.

The milk poured and…missed the target completely.

Dad glared at him.

Calvin picked up the spoon and then he…

Well…

He just fell asleep in his cereal.

I guess that finally alerted his hawk-eyed parents.

"Calvin, what are you doing?" Dad demanded.

But Calvin just snored bubbles into the milk.

Dad went to grab his son's head.

But when he touched it, it was red hot.

"Oh my gosh, I think he's running a fever!" he gasped.

Mom rolled her eyes. "Yeah, right," she muttered. "He probably just put his head to a lamp before coming down."

Dad hoisted Calvin up and got a good look at him. He opened his mouth and…

"YUCK!" he exclaimed. "His throat is terrible!" he gasped.

Mom sighed.

"Look, if you're going to fall for that, then I'll look."

Mom grabbed Calvin's head and whipped it around. She opened his mouth and…

"UGGH!" she groaned.

"No way is he going to school," said Dad.

"I'll take him to the doctor right away," said Mom.

Calvin suddenly snapped awake.

"Don't worry about me!" he said. "I'll go to school! I'm off to catch the bus! Bye!"

Calvin jumped out of his chair, and the minute he landed, he fell on the floor.

"WHOOPEE!" he said.

* * *

Calvin sat in his doctor's clinic.

The doctor was standing before him with Mom at his side.

He had a tongue depressor in his hand.

"Say Ahh," said the doctor.

There was a little squeak the emitted from Calvin's mouth.

"I said, say Ah," said the doctor.

"Ah dud," said Calvin, that little tongue depressor in his mouth.

The doctor sighed as he took out the stick.

"Well, I'm afraid this is it. He's got tonsillitis," he said to Mom.

Mom gasped.

"Well, what do we do?"

The doctor thought.

"Well, we usually perform tonsillectomies on Saturdays, which is in about three days," he said at last. "You could leave him here for a few days, and then take him home on Sunday."

Mom nodded in agreement.

Calvin stared.

"You're gonna what?" he asked. "Wait, you're gonna leave me here in this horror picture? This place filled with sickos? Can't Mom or Dad stay with me?"

"I'm afraid not," said the doctor. "You see, we're going to operate on you."

"OPERATE!" Calvin hollered, nearly killing his voice. "Mom, stop this man! Quack! He's a quack! I'm outta here! See you on the road!"

Calvin leaped off the table, and tried to run away, but Mom caught him.

She put him back in the chair as the doctor spoke.

"Calm down," said the doctor. "I'll only cut two things in your throat."

Big help that was.

"TWO THINGS IN MY THROAT?" Calvin screeched. "You mean I'll never be able to talk again?"

The doctor sighed.

"Listen, Calvin, let me explain it to you. Your tonsils, which we're taking out, guard your throat. They have hand grenades, bazookas, and anything bad that comes into your mouth, they fight off. Now, in your case, your tonsils have lost the war. In fact, your tonsils have gone so far as to join the other side, and they'll kill you unless we cut them out."

"**_KILL ME!_**" Calvin shrieked, holding onto his head.

He paused, and absorbed all this knowledge.

"Is it gonna hurt?" he asked.

"No, of course not. We're going to apply anesthesia, and that's gonna put you out until we're done. And plus, listen, when you get your tonsils out, you get to have all the ice cream you can eat."

Calvin stared at him.

"R…really?" he asked.

"Really."

Calvin jumped onto a nearby gurney.

"Take me to the chop shop now!" he shouted. "You can take my whole neck for some ice cream!"

* * *

Mom brought Calvin back home so he could pack for the hospital.

Calvin exploded into his room where Hobbes was reading a comic book.

"HOBBES! GUESS WHAT!"

"You're going to Mercury?" asked Hobbes without looking up.

"I'm getting my tonsils removed!"

Hobbes looked up in confusion.

"Huh?"

"Yeah, I have tonsillitis, so I get to go to the hospital and stay there for three nights! And after my surgery, I get free ice cream!"

"Hmm, that sounds like quite a deal," said Hobbes, now seeming quite interested.

Calvin ran into the closet and got his bottomless duffel bag.

He jammed it full with comic books and snacks, as well as other various things.

"Come on, Hobbes. We're going to the hospital."

But Hobbes wouldn't budge.

"You can go to the Needle Town if you want, but I'm staying here."

Calvin stared.

"What are you talking about?"

"Calvin, what we have here is a once in a lifetime opportunity of which I refuse to reject," Hobbes said.

"Which would be…?" Calvin asked.

"Me getting the house to myself for three days! I'm going to get the bed to myself, and the food, and the comic books…"

"All right, fine! See if _I_ care! I'll keep all the ice cream for myself come Sunday. I'm getting those tonsils removed this Saturday, so I shan't keep them waiting."

And he walked downstairs.

Hobbes watched him enter the car, and Mom drove off with him for the hospital.

Hobbes glanced at the bedroom.

It was empty.

No one around.

Vacant.

Unfilled.

In other words, he was alone.

A devious grin formed around his lips.

"Oh……boy," he whispered.

Socrates was napping his room in the mansion across town.

It had orange wallpaper with black dots, and it was littered with comic books and covered in posters.

Socrates was on his bed, snoring his life away.

Suddenly, the phone rang, waking him up.

"TWO PICKLES ATE A CHEESE SANDWICH IN FRANCE!" he screamed.

His head shot around the room and he mumbled something as he grabbed the phone.

Yes, Socrates has his own phone.

Don't ask why.

"Yo," he said. "You've reached the Socrates Mansion. How may I prank you?"

"Hey, Socrates," said Hobbes.

"Hobbo!" Socrates said. "Why hast thou graced me with this call?"

"Just called to say that Calvin's getting his tonsils out," he said.

"Oh really? How nice," said Socrates.

"But that's not the best part."

"How is that humanly possible?"

"Simple: Calvin is going to be gone for _four days_," Hobbes said, emphasizing the words "four" and "days".

It took Socrates a moment to put two and two together.

Then his eyes grew wide.

"Party?" he asked.

"Party," Hobbes replied.

The stereo was blaring Jason Mraz's _Wordplay_ as Hobbes and Socrates partied till the twelfth of never.

"This is wonderful!" cried Hobbes. "This entire house is mine! For four days, this is Hobbes Land!"

"I'm so happy for you," said Socrates, who watching Captain Napalm on TV.

Hobbes continued to stare at the house.

"It's beautiful! IT'S ALL MINE! ALL THIS STUFF IS MINE! THAT'S MINE, THIS IS MINE, IT'S ALL MINE! I HAVE COMPLETE POWER! **_IT'S ALL MINE_**!"

Hobbes' arms were outstretched and he was in a complete state of ecstasy.

Socrates was staring at him with a look of confusion.

Hobbes grinned at him.

"Hey, come on. Admit it. You always wanted your own room."

Socrates arched an eyebrow.

"At least you did before your owner won the lottery."

Socrates chuckled and watched television.

"True, true," he said.

Hobbes walked into the kitchen and grabbed a big bowl of tuna fish.

While he was there, he found a box of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs.

He got a devious grin.

"Oh, Socrates!" he called.

Socrates approached him.

"Whatup?"

"This is Calvin's cereal. I think we should do something fitting it with it," Hobbes said.

Socrates grinned evilly.

"You are _so_ right, Hobbes," he said.

Socrates grabbed the Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs and then hurled them up the chimney.

Ash and soot fell everywhere.

Bits of cereal rattled down the chimney.

Then Hobbes lit it on fire.

"Nice job with the cereal," he said. "They make a lovely fire."

"Indeed."

Then Hobbes got another idea.

"You know, Calvin doesn't enjoy us drawing mustaches on his comic books," he said.

"Way ahead of ya."

Once in the bedroom, Hobbes and Socrates were drawing mustaches all over Captain Maim, Captain Napalm, Amazon Woman and several others.

Next they ate all the tuna, wore out some of Calvin's inventions (except the MTM because Calvin always had it), bounced on the beds, wrestled all over the place, and then caused a fifty Hot Wheels pileup on the stairs.

Finally, it was time for bed, and Socrates went home.

Hobbes dove into bed, looking forward to a long day tomorrow.

Little did Hobbes know that there was a part of him deep down that missed a certain spiky-headed six-year-old. He just didn't know it yet, but sometime in those four days, he would…

* * *

Mom pulled into the drive for the hospital.

She parked it, and got out.

Calvin followed.

He and Mom went into the building, and up to the desk.

"We're here for the tonsillectomy." Mom said.

The lady at the desk typed several things into her keyboard, gave Mom several orders that Calvin didn't listen to, and Mom kissed Calvin goodbye.

Calvin watched Mom leave.

Then, the lady at the desk tapped him on the shoulder.

"Si'?" Calvin asked, turning around.

"Would you like me to escort you to your room?" The lady asked.

"When do I get my ice creme?"

"Later. Come on."

The woman lead Calvin down a hallway, her footsteps made echos in the empty room.

Calvin was shocked.

"What!" he yelled. "This isn't right! You're suppose to strap me to a table, hang those liquid things above it, and rush me into the ER, before doing the disgusting surgery that no one but a doctor could stand to look at! What kind of hospital _is_ this!"

The nurse rolled her eyes, and didn't answer.

She lead Calvin into a room with red wallpaper, and a bed with white sheets on it.

Calvin leaped into the bed.

"I get this whole place to myself for _three_ days!"

"Yes." The nurse said.

And with that, she left the room.

Calvin started jumping on the bed.

Soon, though, he ran out of energy, pulled the covers over his head, and fell asleep.

I'm not kidding, the kid actually went to bed without complaining!

Those tonsils must have really been bothering him.

* * *

Three days went by.

Hobbes rolled over in bed.

He slowly opened his eyes, and yawned.

He got up, stretched all four legs, and looked around.

The clock said six fifteen AM.

Plus, Calvin was nowhere in sight.

That wasn't big news, but since he was still asleep, Hobbes started to panic.

"CALVIN! CALVIN WHERE ARE YOU!"

Then the events of last night came rushing back to him.

"Oh. You're not here."

No answer.

Hobbes yawned, and scratched his cheek.

Then he walked down the stairs towards the livingroom.

He walked out the door, and into the front yard.

Somehow, the day didn't seem complete without Calvin's constant complaining about meaningless things.

Hobbes looked around the semi-dark world in front of him.

He decided to go over to Socrates' house to discuss tiger things with him.

He walked down the street for a couple of blocks, until he came to the huge three story mansion that Socrates lived in.

He walked up to the door, and knocked three times, paused, knocked two more times, paused, knocked four times, paused, and rang the doorbell.

Socrates opened the door.

"Password accepted. Come on in." He grinned.

Hobbes came into the room house with Socrates.

"My owner's at school, so we have the whole place to ourselves!" He grinned, rubbing his hands together.

Hobbes stared at him.

"Socrates, it's six in the morning, and you're wide awake?" He asked. "When did you get up?"

"Three in the morning." Socrates said, slamming the door.

"Why did your owner leave for school?" Hobbes asked.

"He likes to get there early." Socrates said.

"Two hours early?" Hobbes asked, rubbing sleep out of his eyes.

"Yes, two hours early. He tried to get there three hours early, but his Mom wouldn't let him."

"Why does he like getting there, so early?" Hobbes asked, as they climbed the stairs.

"Don't ask me. I just live here." Socrates paused at the first step. "Hey! I'll race you to my room! I'll take the elevator, you take the stairs!"

"Socrates, stairs are much faster than the elevator." Hobbes said.

"Race ya!" Socrates yelled, zooming towards the elevator.

"Oh very well." He muttered.

Hobbes stood at the bottom of the stairs, and Socrates stood at the elevator door.

When the elevator came, Socrates said, "on your mark, get set, PEANUTS!"

Hobbes glared at him.

"Oh fine. Go."

_**ZOOM!**_

Suddenly, there was a rush of orange, and a loud gust of wind, and Hobbes suddenly vanished.

Socrates leaped onto the elevator, pushed TOP FLOOR, and the elevator started upward.

Hobbes zoomed upward until he reached the top floor, then, before the elevator opened, He burst into Socrates' room.

Socrates was already there.

And no, I don't know how he did it.

Hobbes panted, and glared at Socrates.

"How did you get up here, so fast!" he demanded.

Socrates looked around.

"I have a super fast elevator." He said, finally.

Hobbes sighed, and shook his head.

"So how do you think Calvin's doing at the hospital?" Hobbes asked a little later.

"I dunno." Socrates shrugged, "Maybe he died."

Hobbes glared at him.

"Don't be ridiculous!" He yelled. "Of course he didn't die!"

Socrates grinned darkly.

"Really?" He asked. "How can you be so sure?"

Hobbes stared at him.

"What are you saying?" He asked.

"Well once I knew ths guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy's cousin who knew this guy who went into a tonsillectomy, and died a horrible death."

"Why, what happened to him?"

Socrates admired his claws as he spoke.

"Oh, the quacks at the hospital accidently cut out his... well, something that wasn't his tonsils, let us say."

Hobbes eyes bulged.

"_WHAT!_" He screamed.

"Oh sure, happens all the time." Socrates said.

Hobbes leaped to his feet.

"We have to go save Calvin!"

"I thought you'd never ask!" Socrates grinned, leaping up. "I'll come! They give out free ice creme over there!"

Hobbes raced out of the room, Socrates was right behind him.

* * *

Meanwhile, Calvin had woke up, and he was already beginning to get bored.

And you know what happens when Calvin gets bored.

Calvin jumped out of bed, and started pacing around the room.

Ho hum.

Calvin started looking around for some form of entertainment.

He exited his room, and started looking down the long halls.

_The amazing Spaceman Spiff investigates the giant alien space ship_. He thought, cutting his eyes from side to side. _Our amazing space cadet begins his daring escape!_

Calvin began tiptoing down the hall.

He came to a laundry basket half way down it.

He studied it, then heard footsteps coming down the hall.

He leaped inside, and covered himself in dirty clothes.

_Our hero hides himself as an alien approaches his location!_

The nurse that lead Calvin to his room rounded the corner, picked up the clothes basket, and carried it off, grunting and asking why was it so heavy.

Calvin peeked out from behind a shirt, and saw that he was being carried towards the laundry chute.

Whoops.

Calvin cut his eyes from side to side, and tried to...

Too late.

The nurse dumped Calvin and the clothes into the chute, and walked away.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Calvin screamed, tumbling down the tunnel, and finally landing in the basket with the other clothes.

He looked up, and cut his eyes from side to side.

_Our fearless hero is inside a strange alien dungeon!_

Suddenly, a sharp explosion of pain stabbed Calvin's throat.

Calvin gritted his teeth, and grabbed his neck.

_Our hero has been infected with a terrible alien disease! Spiff must find an antidote, before it's too late!_

Calvin considered going back to his room, and taking another nap.

He decided not to.

Heh.

What can you expect?

* * *

Hobbes and Socrates were running down the sidewalk towards the town.

Hobbes was pumping his arms, and Socrates was grinning.

"I wonder what kind of ice creme they'll have." He wondered out loud. "I'm not to big a fan of chocolate, but on the other hand, strawberry pretty good. I wonder if they have any caramel flavored ice creme. I must say, that's my favorite flavor next to Cookies 'n' Creme."

Hobbes was trying to ignore him while trying to remember where the hospital was.

Hobbes and Socrates rushed down Main Street, and entered the city they lived next to.

Hobbes looked around in all directions, then spotted a sign that said, HOSPITAL: THAT WAY.

They continued running down the street, with Socrates still talking about ice creme.

* * *

The doctor walked down the hall, looking down at his pad.

"Calvin and his tonsillectomy are due." he said.

He walked down the hall towards Calvin's room.

He opened the door, and peeked inside.

Calvin was nowhere in sight.

The doctor's eyes slammed shut.

"I hate it when they do this." He muttered, closing the door.

* * *

Calvin was wandering around the hospital. He had a big grin on his face, and he was looking around for something to entertain himself.

The woman at the desk looked up, and saw Calvin tiptoeing around the room.

"Hey!" She yelled. "You're supposed to be in surgery!"

Calvin's head shot up.

"GREAT MOONS OF NEPTUNE!" He screamed. "THE ALIENS HAVE SPOTTED OUR FEARLESS SPACE HERO! THEY'RE ATTEMPTING TO HAUL HIM OFF TO _NECK SURGERY!_"

Calvin started screaming his head off, then rushed off, despite the pain in his throat.

The woman hit a buzzer on the desk, glaring at Calvin.

Calvin rushed down the hall, screaming his head off, making several senors look out their doors, and stare after him.

Several doctors came towards Calvin.

Calvin screeched to a stop in front of one of them, still screaming his head off, spun around, and ran off in the other direction.

Then, one of the doctors leaned out of a door, and grabbed Calvin.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Calvin screamed. "THEY HAVE ME! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP!"

The doctor hauled the screaming Calvin away, grumbling to himself.

* * *

Finally, after much running, and discussions on ice creme, Socrates and Hobbes reached the giant front doors to the hospital.

Hobbes turned to Socrates.

"Where do you suppose they have Calvin?" He asked.

Socrates thought for a moment.

"He might be in the ER, but I doubt it. We might check the surgery room."

"That's what the ER is, isn't it?" Hobbes asked.

"No, I think the ER is the place you take them to, instantly after the arrival."

"OK, then, let's go look for the surgery room." Hobbes said, bursting through the doors.

Socrates followed, and resumed his discussion on ice creme.

* * *

Meanwhile, the doctors had Calvin strapped down on a table, and he was screaming as if they were doing the surgery without the anesthetic.

The doctors were all standing over him, with kleenexs shoved in their ears, and they were staring at Calvin wondering how a kid with such horrible tonsillitis could scream so loud and so long.

Finally, they reached the drug, and somehow got it down Calvin's throat.

That was something to see.

Instead of becoming silent, and going to sleep, he dramatized it.

Slowly his screaming became quieter.

"GACK!" He gasped, reaching for the doctors. "The aliens have injected a deadly sedative into Spiff's bloodstream!"

He grabbed his throat, and let his tongue fall out.

"Our hero, is becoming sleepy! Spiff must fight the darkness!"

The doctors all stared at him.

"Now he's starting to make me feel guilty." Said the doctor that put the pill in his mouth.

Suddenly, Calvin swooned, and let out a "GACK!".

His final words before the surgery was, "I can now reveal that you've fallen right into my... GASP... clever trap!"

And with that, he fell asleep.

"I hate this job." The doctor muttered.

* * *

Socrates and Hobbes began searching the building for Calvin.

They were surprised at what they heard; nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

No screaming. No demands for a lawyer. No complaints. No screams that he was dying, or that he was bleeding at an unstoppable rate.

And when you know that Calvin is in the building somewhere, that's a weird thought.

"Something is wrong here," said Hobbes nervously. "Gravely wrong!"

"I hear ya," agreed Socrates. "Where's the ice cream?"

Hobbes glared at him.

Then Hobbes spotted the front desk.

The lady wasn't there.

"Maybe I can find something out over there," he suggested.

Hobbes and Socrates snuck behind the desk and started searching through drawers and boxes.

"What are we looking for exactly?" asked Socrates.

"Any kind of clue as to where Calvin is," said Hobbes.

Socrates pulled out a drawer went through a small notebook.

"The nurse is having trouble with her boyfriend, and the doctor is going to switch to a metal seven-wood," he read.

"NOT HELPFUL!" Hobbes shouted.

"Sorry."

They dug around some more.

Finally, Hobbes found a clipboard, and after flipping through some papers, he finally found some answers.

"Okay, he's in Room 7B," he said. "It's on the third floor."

"Very well," said Socrates. "Onward to the ice cream!"

Hobbes glared angrily at Socrates.

"Oh…and Calvin too."

Hobbes and Socrates dove into the elevator, which was empty.

Hobbes pressed the button marked "3".

There was a wait as the elevator started to move up.

"I've been thinking," said Hobbes. "Do tigers go to heaven we they die?"

Socrates stared at him.

"When they what?" he asked.

"When they die."

Socrates' mouth hung open.

"I didn't know we die!"

Hobbes sighed.

There was finally a faint DING!

"When fish die, do they go to heaven?" Hobbes asked.

"Not if they've been a bad fish," Socrates replied.

Hobbes and Socrates ran down the hall towards the doors that were marked 7 until they reached 7B.

Hobbes yanked the door open and…

Nothing.

Hobbes feared the worst had happened by now.

"Oh no," he muttered.

Socrates glanced at the door and saw another clipboard.

"Huh," he said. "According to this, he's in surgery right now."

Hobbes gasped.

"We're running out of time!" he shouted. "Maybe we can stop them before—"

Socrates pushed down onto the bed.

"Okay, okay, calm down," he said. "Look, why don't we just sit here and relax. I mean, after all, it was just one guy that died in a tonsillectomy. Maybe Calvin will luck out."

Hobbes looked a little better.

"You think so?"

"Sure! Now then, let's just relax and listen to the radio."

Hobbes lay down on the bed and Socrates turned on the radio.

Music poured out.

"_So long old friend… I wish that I could see you once again… I never knew the time would come when I'd be losing you…_"

Hobbes felt tears well up in his eyes.

Socrates quickly changed the station.

"_Yesterday…all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they're here to stay. Oh, I believe…in yesterday._"

Socrates tried again.

"_I lie awake tonight and I watch the sky…and I wish it didn't have to be so high…cause I'm belonging on the other side…and I'm missin' you…_"

Socrates yanked the radio out and smashed it.

"You know, radio is highly overrated anyway," he said quickly.

"WHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" wailed Hobbes.

Socrates groaned and looked away.

* * *

Meanwhile, surgery had been completed.

Calvin was lying on the table, still strapped down, and drooling slightly.

"Kid?" said one of the doctors. "It's time to wake up."

Calvin coughed slightly and groaned, but his eyes didn't open.

"Is it time to wake up?" he asked quietly.

Yeesh. His voice sounded like he had sandpaper in his throat.

"Yes, it is," said the doctor. "Now try opening your eyes."

"Nope. Don't want to."

"How come?"

"Well, because every time I open my eyes, the room starts to act silly. Goin' around and round in circles, and a-jumpin' up and down, and I don't wanna."

Looks like the sedatives weren't quite out yet.

"I'll just stay asleep like this, and I'll await heaven's sleep, and then just hum a little ditty," Calvin went on.

Any of this reminding you of a certain bunch of aliens?

"How does your mouth feel?" asked the doctor.

"Dry."

"And your lips?"

"Dry."

Now get this.

Calvin started, very quietly, to sing.

"And the tongue is dry, and the lips are dry, and the mouth is dry, and the throat is dry, and everything is dry, dry, dry, dry, dry."

Oy.

"Do you want to swallow?" ask the doctor.

"Yes."

"Why don't you?"

"Nobody asked me."

"Well, go ahead and try."

"Okay."

GULP!

What happened next shook the whole hospital.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Calvin shrieked.

And then it hurt twice as much because of that scream.

But it was so loud that Hobbes and Socrates heard it.

"CALVIN!" shouted Hobbes. "Come on!"

Hobbes and Socrates exploded from the bedroom and ran through several halls until they came to a room that overlooked the surgery room. It had lots of chairs.

Almost like a movie theater.

Hobbes and Socrates ran to the window overlooking surgery.

They could see several doctors swarming around Calvin.

"Calvin!" Hobbes shouted, banging on the glass. "It's me! Hobbes! Up here! Look up here!"

"Hey, Calvin!" Socrates yelled. "Over here at yonder window! Can I have your ice cream?"

Hobbes smacked Socrates and knocked him to the ground.

Then he resumed panicking.

"CALVIN! LISTEN! IT'S ME! HOBBES! I'M SORRY FOR PUTTING DOWN YOUR INVENTIONS! I'M SORRY I DEMEANED HUMANS! THEY'RE ACTUALLY QUITE ADORABLE FROM A DISTANCE! CALVIN!"

Calvin didn't say anything.

Hobbes felt tears coming back and was about to break down sobbing.

Socrates rubbed his nose and got up.

"One more stunt like that, and you're gonna wake up with pie on your face," he said.

Hobbes ignored him and sat in a chair.

Socrates sighed and glanced at the lifeless Calvin lying on the table.

And although he'd never admit it, he felt like crying himself.

But then he saw something happen down there.

Calvin's hand twitched.

Socrates' eyes shot open.

"What the…?"

Hobbes looked out the window and saw…

"HE'S ALIVE!" he cheered. "WHOOPEE!"

They loaded Calvin's barely conscious body onto a gurney, and they carted him away.

Hobbes and Socrates hurried after them.

Calvin's eyes drifted open.

His throat didn't feel much different.

However, he did see Hobbes and Socrates sitting in front of him.

In a small, raspy voice, Calvin said, "Hobbes?"

Hobbes looked up. "Heaven's above, he is awake!" he said excitedly.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," said Socrates, who was thumbing through a magazine.

"What're you doing here?" Calvin asked. "And why's _he_ here?"

Socrates growled.

"You're lucky you just had surgery," he muttered.

"We were lonely, so we came down to visit," said Hobbes.

It was a complete lie, of course, but Hobbes had an image to maintain.

"Well, I'm touched," said Calvin.

Socrates leaned in.

"So, how was the tonsillectomy?" he asked.

"I can barely swallow," Calvin moaned.

"Awww, poor baby," Socrates cooed. "May I have your ice cream?"

Calvin looked up.

"Oh! I nearly forgot about the ice cream!" he said. "I wonder when it gets here."

Just then, the door opened.

The nurse came in.

"Okay, Calvin. It's time for ice cream. Are you ready?"

"Do birds fly?"

Ho hum.

The nurse set down a big bowl of Cookies 'n' Cream and left.

Calvin picked up a spoon and tried to eat it.

It slid down real slow.

"Yeesh," he said, shivering. "Why's this the recommended method for lack of tonsils?"

"Who cares?" asked Socrates, grabbing another spoon. "It's ice cream."

Then Hobbes picked up the new radio (replacing the one Socrates broke) and turned it on.

"_Now we're together again! No need to be lonely! Together again! My one and only! Together again, my friend. Just you and me!_"

And the three of them sat back, ate ice cream, watched television, played with the moving bed, and stayed there until Calvin was back to his loud and snappy self again.

Hobbes was glad he was back to normal.

And although he'd never admit it, so was Socrates.

As for his parents, well, that's another story…

**The End

* * *

**

**Voice Work:**

**Pamela Segall Aldon: **Calvin/Spaceman Spiff

**Tom Hanks: **Hobbes

**Ryan Stiles: **Socrates

**Bill Murray: **Dad/Doctor 1

**Jennifer Love Hewitt: **Mom/Nurse 1

**Daveigh Chase: **Lady Behind the Desk/Nurse 2

**George Clooney:** Calvin's Doctor / Doctor 2

**So Long, Old Friend** & **Now We're Together Again can both be found in HERE COMES GARFIELD TV special. Yesterday was written by the Beatles, & Missin' You was written by Chris Rice.

* * *

**

**Coming up Next: **The Yellowstone Monster (**Double length story**)


	29. The Yellowstone Monster

**Summary: **Calvin and Hobbes try to disable the super volcano under Yellowstone National Park. However, the evil Dr Brainstorm has other ideas.

* * *

_And now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series  
__Written by Swing123 and garfieldodie_

**The Yellowstone Monster **

Calvin sat in front of the television, watching the National Geographic Channel with Hobbes.

Calvin wasn't really watching it though. He was sitting in the opposite chair as Hobbes, and he was working with Dad's screwdriver and hammer as he installed more cool features into the MTM.

During the commercial break of the big cat show Hobbes was watching, Calvin was trying to install a holographic TV into the machine when a loud explosion came out of the TV's speakers.

"I SURRENDER!" Calvin screamed, throwing the MTM, and his hands into the air.

The MTM went out the window.

BONK!

"OW!" Susie screamed. "CALVIN! I'm gonna get you for that!"

Calvin and Hobbes didn't listen though. They were staring at the TV.

The sound of the explosion continued, and the screen showed a cloud of fire and smoke flying everywhere.

Then the screen went blank, and words on the screen faded on.

_We're overdue_

Calvin and Hobbes watched the commercial.

"_When Will Yellowstone Erupt?_" The TV said. "Today at six seven central. Only on the National Geographic Channel. Available on channel 227."

There was a moment of silence.

"Yellowstone?" Hobbes asked.

"Yellowstone isn't a volcano!" Calvin announced. "It's a national wildlife park! Isn't it?"

"Let's go ask your mom." Hobbes suggested.

* * *

"Yes, Calvin. There is a volcano underneath Yellowstone." Mom said, as she stood at the counter washing dishes.

"Yellowstone _can't_ be a volcano!" Calvin yelled. "There's all that wildlife and such! It couldn't have ever erupted!"

"Yes, Calvin, it did." Mom said. "It erupted a few million years ago."

"And that commercial said we're overdue!" Calvin yelled. "What's _that_ supposed to mean!"

"It erupts every few thousand years, Calvin." Mom said, placing a plate in drainer.

Calvin eyes bulged.

"Every few _thousand _years?"

"Yup."

"And it's last eruption was a few _million_ years ago?"

"Yup."

Calvin's eyes crossed.

"And, this is just a simple volcano right?" He asked. "Something like what we see in the Mt. St. Helens right?"

"Nope." Mom said. "It's a super volcano."

Calvin keeled over backwards.

* * *

"Super... vol-can-o..." Hobbes said flipping through a dictionary in the livingroom.

"Here it is!" He said. "Noun. An extremely large volcano. Yellowstone is perfect example."

"A lot of help _that_ was!" Calvin yelled. "Get out Dad's encyclopedia."

Hobbes picked up a large book from the shelf, and went to the index.

"Let's see. Super... super... super... ah. Yellowstone super volcano. Page 535 to 536."

Hobbes flipped through the book, and finally came to the topic.

**Yellowstone super Volcano**

The Yellowstone super volcano is located under the national park and is the size of five New York Cities. If erupted, the volcano can consume the entire Earth in clouds of smoke and smog. It will blot out the sun for more than fifty years, and may even start another ice age.

"Like we need that." Hobbes said, closing the book.

"HELP!" Calvin screamed.

"Yup." Hobbes said. "I'll set this under Computer Revolution on our _Things to Fear_ list."

Calvin's eyes began rolling around in circles.

"WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!" He screamed.

"Well, you got through six years without it erupting. That leaves several more years to go."

"HELP!"

"I don't think we would have this fear if we hadn't seen that commercial."

"HELP!"

"I suppose you want to watch the show now, huh?" He checked his watch. "That starts in fifteen minutes."

"HELP!"

"I knew it."

Calvin dove for the TV, and switched it on.

National Geographic came on and the show started.

* * *

Meanwhile, under Calvin's city, there laid a huge diabolical lab.

It had the classic beeping sounds, and flashing numbers across computer screens.

Inside that lab was a man in a lab coat connecting wires to something, and doing other fiendish stuff.

The man had a very strange hairdo. It was dyed red, and was sticking straight into the air, and ending in sharp spikes almost as though he had just been electrocuted.

He had yellow eyes that were out of focus, and a big grin on his face.

He was wearing a lab coat with a black shirt underneath, brown sneakers, black jeans, and green gloves.

He was grinning to himself as he prepared his invention.

"HA HA!" He yelled, in a triumphant yet slightly squeaky voice. "I have completed my SERVANT RAY! This terrific device will do everything I tell it to!"

He turned to a robot that was leaning against the counter and staring at him.

The robot was as tall as him, was very thin, and was a sleek silver color. His eyes were blue, and he had arms that extended outward.

"Wanna see it?" the man asked.

"Sure." The robot yawned. "Try not to kill yourself, Frank."

"It's Doctor _Brainstorm_ to _you_, Jack!" Yelled the man. "And we can do without your smart remarks."

"I'm just referring back to the last invention you made." Jack the robot said. "And the last one. And the last one. And the one before that. And..."

"You act like I can't make inventions!" Dr Brainstorm yelled. "I made _you_ didn't I?"

"Yeah, great craftsman's shift." Jack said.

Jack reached up, and yanked his arm off of his metallic body.

Dr Brainstorm blinked.

"Well, fine. You go hide, and I'll test my invention out without you!"

Jack put his arm back on, and Dr Brainstorm turned around, and pointed his pistol like device at a crate of discarded metal parts.

"DEVICE!" he commanded. "Shrink this box!"

ZAP!

The box immediately started growing.

"NO!" Dr Brainstorm yelled. "_SHRINK IT!_"

It got larger.

"I knew it." Jack said. "It doesn't work."

Then, Dr Brainstorm got an idea.

"DEVICE!" He yelled. "ENLARGE THIS BOX!"

ZAP!

Instantly, the crate was shrunk down to half an inch tall.

"IT WORKS!" He yelled.

"It does the exact _opposite_ of what you tell it to." Jack said. "It does NOT work. As usual."

"Maybe there are a few glitches." Dr Brainstorm said, putting the device down. "But, It still works."

"The only reason you say that is because something happened." Jack said.

Dr Brainstorm glared at him.

"Nobody asked you!" He yelled. "Now come, partner in crime! We must plan out our threat to the world!"

"This should be good."

"Shut _it!_" Dr Brainstorm screamed.

* * *

Upon completing the Yellowstone special, Calvin was now down right terrified.

Do you know what he wanted to do about it?

"HOBBES! WE NEED TO STOP YELLOWSTONE FROM ERUPTING!"

Hobbes stared at him in disbelief.

"Did you just say what I just thought you just said?" He demanded.

"Yes I did say what you thought that I said." Calvin yelled. "We have to go to Yellowstone and disable the Yellowstone super volcano!"

"Point one," Hobbes said. "There is no way I'm going with you on another one of your suicide missions. Point two, Yellowstone probably wont erupt for another thousand years. Point three, how do you plan to disable this volcano? Dare I ask?"

"We'll use my MTM, and fill in the magma chamber with something to keep it from erupting!"

"There we are." Hobbes said. "That idea speaks for itself."

"Really? What does it say?"

"It says, you are the most stupidest kid in American history."

"WE'RE DOING IT, AND THAT'S FINAL!" Calvin screamed.

Calvin stormed up to his room to pack.

"I don't like where this is going." Hobbes said.

Calvin spent the next few minutes packing his inventions up, and piling them into the box.

After he was all packed, he turned to the toughest task of them all: Finding Hobbes.

You see whenever Calvin touches more than one of his inventions within one minute, Hobbes suddenly vanishes, and Calvin has to spent most of his day tracking him down.

Calvin looked everywhere around his property, and finally pulled him out from under the couch.

And no, I don't know how he got down there.

Calvin heaved Hobbes up the stairs.

Hobbes claws were hooked into the carpet on the stairs, and were ripping it as Calvin pulled him up them.

Finally, Calvin reached his room, and somehow got Hobbes into the box.

* * *

"Alright!" Dr Brainstorm yelled. "We will center our headquarters in the middle of Yellowstone park!"

"Why?" Jack asked.

"I want a view of Old Faithful." Brainstorm replied. "Now, we'll center our headquarters there, and plot to take over the world!"

"That should be fun." Jack said, sarcastically.

"Indeed!"

And with that, Jack and Dr Brainstorm set off for Yellowstone.

* * *

At the same time, Calvin started his engines, and flew out the window for Yellowstone.

Heh, heh.

* * *

Jack and Dr Brainstorm beat Calvin and Hobbes to Yellowstone.

The two snuck past some park rangers and tourists, as they started for the very center of the park.

"OK!" Dr Brainstorm yelled. "We'll plant our foundation _right_ here!"

"Is this legal?" Jack asked.

"Not yet. But when I rule the world it will!"

Dr Brainstorm took a shovel, dug a small hole, and dropped a chrome seed into the hole.

He then covered up the hole with dirt, took out a watering can, and watered it.

A small earthquake followed this, but there was no visual change.

"Our secret hideout has been built!" Dr Brainstorm declared. "Thanks to my _Secret Hideout Seed_, we now have our underground lab ready!"

"Brilliant, Eienstein." Jack said. "Now, how do we get inside it?"

Dr Brainstorm's eyes blanked out, and his grin faded.

"Uhhhh..."

"You forgot to add in a door, didn't you?" Jack asked.

"Get my _Metal cutter_, Jack, we need to break into our secret hideout."

Jack sighed, and reached into Brainstorm's pack.

* * *

Meanwhile, Calvin and Hobbes were approaching Yellowstone.

They were flying over heavily wooded areas, and were getting closer to it.

"This really isn't the best time to be clogging up the volcano, Calvin." Hobbes said. "This is Saturday, you know. So there's a lot of people there right now."

"We block out the volcano, we leave. Simple as that, Hobbes. We'll be there for fifteen minutes.

"We don't even know where the volcano _is_!" Hobbes argued. "Plus, what if your attempts to 'clog' it cause it to blow up!"

"It wont, Hobbes, I know exactly what to put into it!"

"What?"

"We'll _freeze_ everything inside the volcano!" Calvin yelled. "It's perfect! We'll just freeze everything inside the volcano!"

"Calvin, that's the stupidest idea I've ever heard." Hobbes yelled.

"Of course, it will only be temporary." Calvin said. "It another thousand years, it'll thaw, but my MTM can put the volcano into deep freeze for the rest of _my_ life!"

"Well, let's at least lay low until the tourists start leaving." Hobbes said. "I don't want to be seen in this box."

"Very well, we'll set up camp behind the park." Calvin grumbled.

Calvin landed the box, and started unpacking.

* * *

After much digging, and ripping of metal, Dr Brainstorm had finally dug his way into his empty hideout.

After Jack climbed in after him, Dr Brainstorm took out his Hypercube.

He turned it upside down, and started shaking.

Nothing came out.

"Stupid storage cube!" He yelled. "It's always jamming up!"

He reached his hand into the Hypercube, moved his hand around it for a second, then pulled his arm out, and shook it again.

FOOM!

Immediately, all of Dr Brainstorm's inventions, computers, and other stuff fell out of it, and began organizing themselves insides the large blue tiled cubic room.

"Wonderful!" He yelled. "I have updated my hideout! Nobody can stop me now! HA HA HA HA HA!"

"Nobody needs to." Jack said, leaning against the desk.

That seems to be a natural feature to Jack.

Whenever he stops moving, he immediately leans against anything that's handy. A post, a rock, a tree, a desk, his leg, his own creator, a wall, a door, and so on.

Dr Brainstorm payed no attention to him, as he continued to unpack.

* * *

Night fell.

The tourists began to thin as they all retreated to their camp sites.

Calvin started piling everything back into his box, then forced Hobbes in.

"OK." Calvin said. "We'll use my MTM to locate the volcano. Then, we'll just freeze it up, and go home. However, even though it's dark, there could still be some tourists around, so we'll have to be quiet."

Hobbes turned to the audience.

"Calvin is about to mess around with a volcano, folks. Hurry and get to your bomb shelter."

"You're so morbid." Calvin muttered.

Calvin started the box's engines up, and rose into the air.

* * *

Meanwhile, Dr Brainstorm was monitoring the park through cameras he had set up around them, and making sure that Batman or Spiderman didn't come to defeat him.

When he told this to Jack, he had replied with, "I think Batman or Spiderman would want more of a challenge."

And Dr Brainstorm had replied with, "You know exactly what I meant, smart guy!"

He had been watching, when all of a sudden, his radar started picking something up.

"JACK!" He yelled. "COME HERE! QUICK!"

Jack came walking over.

"What?"

"The radar is beeping!"

"Fascinating."

"Let me finish. That means someone is coming!"

"News flash."

Dr Brainstorm hit the button, and Calvin and Hobbes' box came onto the screen.

"HOT CRICKET FEET!" He screamed. "SOMEONE IS COMING TO OVERTHROW ME!"

"Overthrow you from what?"

"We must stop them!"

"They don't look like they're after you." Jack said. "They're heading towards the north part of the park. They're probably just tourists."

"ARE YOU MAD!" Dr Brainstorm yelled. "Look at there advanced outside technology!"

He pointed at Calvin's flying cardboard box.

"And that... that... that thing!"

He pointed at Hobbes.

"That thing must be a deadly robot for overcoming my amazing technology!"

"That's a tiger." Jack said.

"That's preposterous!" Dr Brainstorm screamed. "That's a horrible Cat Monster!"

"It's a tiger."

"It's a robot!"

"Whatever." He said, turning around, and walking away.

Dr Brainstorm glared after them, then turned back to the screen.

"Alright then!" he growled. "If you want to overthrow me, you're gonna gave to _FACE ME! **FACE TO FACE!**_"

Dr Brainstorm started pushing buttons.

"Now what are you doing?" Jack asked, picking up a magazine.

"I'm sucking them into my secret lab!"

"Frank, it's a six year old and a tiger in a cardboard cube."

"_IT'S DOCTOR BRAINSTORM TO **YOU!**_" Dr Brainstorm yelled.

And with that, DrDumbbell hit a button and waited for it to take effect.

* * *

Calvin and Hobbes continued flying over Yellowstone.

"OK." Calvin said. "We're almost there. Are you ready to get rid of this super volcano once and for all?"

"No."

"WHAT! SPEAK UP!"

"I said, Oh boy. Whatever."

Calvin rolled his eyes, and turned back to the road in front of... there was a beam of red light shooting for Calvin and Hobbes.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Calvin and Hobbes screamed leaping from the way, as it blasted past them.

"What was _that!_" Hobbes yelled.

"I dunno." Calvin said. "It was some kind of laser beam."

Suddenly, another one, flew past the box.

Calvin dodged it, as it flew past.

Then a third one came.

And hit them.

Immediately, Calvin and Hobbes' box was sucked towards the ground.

Calvin hit the afterburners, shifted into reverse, and attempted to break free.

The force was too strong, though.

They were sucked right into the ground.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Calvin and Hobbes screamed, tumbling into Dr Brainstorm's secret lair.

Dr Brainstorm stood there, grinning at Calvin and Hobbes with his hands behind his back.

Jack was leaning against the wall, reading _Robots Weekly._

Calvin opened his eyes and looked around.

"Wh... where are we!" He yelled.

"Earth." Jack replied, not looking up.

"Where are you?" Dr Brainstorm chuckled. "You're in my secret lair. And I am **_DOCTOR BRAINSTORM!_**"

Calvin and Hobbes stared at him.

"Doctor what?" Calvin asked

"Dr Brainstorm!" Dr Brainstorm repeated, a little less loudly.

"That's a dumb name." Calvin said. "Why not something interesting? Like Doctor Doom, or Doctor Chaos, or Doctor Chaotic Doom?"

"Dumb is it?" Dr Brainstorm grinned. "We'll see how dumb you think it is when you face off with _my inventions!_"

"Can't be any worse than his." Hobbes said, pointing at Calvin.

"Believe me, they are." Jack said, turning the page.

Uh oh.

**To be Continued...**


	30. The Yellowstone Monster PART 2

_And now back to Calvin and Hobbes: the Series  
__Written by garfieldodie and Swing123_

**The Yellowstone Monster **

**Part 2**

So let's see. Where we were we?

Ah yes. I do believe that Calvin and Hobbes were just captured by the idiotic genius known as Dr Brainstorm and his smarter-than-him assistant, Jack the robot.

Dr Brainstorm thinks that Calvin is out to overthrow him, and Hobbes is a robot.

Ho hum.

Well, what are we waiting for? Let's resume.

Dr Brainstorm advanced on Calvin and Hobbes.

Both sat in their box, quivering with fear.

"So," said Brainstorm. "You think you can beat me in my quest to take over the world, do you?"

"You plan to take over the world?" asked Calvin.

"_DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME!_"

"Right, he can do that on his own," said Jack.

Brainstorm glared at Jack, and then turned his gaze back to our two heroes.

"Well, I'll have you know that I outrank you two in every form of technology," he said. "You may have your flying box and robotic cat, but I have more!"

Calvin stared at him.

Hobbes glared at him.

"What robotic cat?" asked Calvin.

"The one behind you."

Calvin looked.

Hobbes waved at him.

"I don't see a robotic cat. All I see is Hobbes."

"Right, and he's a robot!"

"What? No he isn't!"

"Told ya," said Jack.

"Oh, why don't you go sit somewhere and shut down?" demanded Brainstorm, glaring angrily at Jack. "You know nothing of robots!"

Jack sighed. "I happen to know _everything_ about robots!"

"How could you?"

"Well, let's see, pal. How about the fact that I **_AM ONE_**!"

Brainstorm stared at him.

Jack continued.

"Now, I know a fellow robot when I see one, and that there is a mammal," he said, pointing at Hobbes.

Brainstorm stared. Then he approached Hobbes and tapped his head.

It didn't feel like metal.

It felt like hair.

Like that was big news.

"Huh," he said. "Whaddya know?"

Hobbes growled at him.

Brainstorm backed off.

"Okay," he said, returning his attention to Calvin. "Anyway, you are helpless against me, child," he said.

"My name is Calvin."

"Oh, fine! Anyway, you are helpless against me, _Calvin!_" Brainstorm growled. "I have all the technology in my possession. Behold my Laser-o-Matic!"

Brainstorm pulled out a giant ray gun and aimed it at Calvin and Hobbes.

Neither Calvin nor Hobbes looked worried.

Brainstorm fired the gun.

_**ZZZZZZZAP!**_

A blast of red shot out at them.

Suddenly a blue dome shot out in front of them and the box.

The blast bounced off and struck one of the computers, destroying it.

Jack sighed.

"Man, and I almost had the high score on Invader Death Trap," he said.

Brainstorm stared.

"How'd you do that?" he asked in a dangerous calm.

Calvin pulled out the MTM.

"A CD player?" asked Brainstorm.

"The MTM has the ability to travel through time, store stuff, has touch-screen technology, shoot lasers, has a shield, a tracker…"

"You might call it a computerized Swiss army knife," said Hobbes.

Dr Brainstorm growled at them, and then he ran over and kicked the box.

However, he kicked a little switch on it in the process.

The box suddenly flipped over onto its side.

Suddenly, there was a strange sound.

_BOINK!_

Jack looked up from doing something.

"Did you hear scientific progress?" he asked.

Suddenly, the box popped open and out tumbled five Calvins and three Hobbeses.

"Behold the joy of the Duplicator," said the original Calvin.

Then Calvin and Hobbes shoved their duplicates back into the box, and then they flipped the switch again, and the box flipped so that the opening was on the bottom.

Then Calvin flipped an arrow around on the other side, and there was a ZAP!

Calvin lifted the box up.

Dr Brainstorm's eyes crossed.

All the duplicates had somehow been changed into…hawks.

Dr Brainstorm gulped.

The hawks advanced.

Brainstorm pulled out a gun.

"Stay back!" he shouted. "I will soon rule you."

Yeah, as if _that_ would've worked.

In an instant, seven hawks were attacking this guy.

"Huh," said Jack. "I'm starting to like this kid."

The hawks chased Brainstorm all over the place.

"HELP! GET AWAY! I'M A GENIUS! YOU ARE INFERIOR!"

Calvin and Hobbes were soon laughing their heads off at this nut.

Finally, though, the hawks were finished and they head back into the Transmogrifier, where Calvin deleted them.

Dr Brainstorm lay in a crippled heap on the floor.

"Job well done, Hobbes," said Calvin.

"Indeed," agreed Hobbes.

They climbed back into the box.

"Okay, now that _that's_ settled, let's get to our original plan: freezing the super volcano under Yellowstone."

And with that, Calvin and Hobbes flew out of the secret lair.

Jack watched them leave.

Then he glanced at Brainstorm, who was getting up and looking more deranged that usual.

"For a puny kid, he sure is smart," said Jack.

But Dr Brainstorm was not thinking about that.

He had heard what Calvin had said about freezing the volcano under the park.

Plus, he was kind of wowed by Calvin's technology.

"Did you see all of that?" Brainstorm asked Jack.

"I was standing over there," said Jack.

"This gives me a brilliant idea!" Brainstorm went on. "I'll steal all his inventions, and use them to make the volcano under the park erupt!"

Jack stared at him.

"Uh-huh, and this helps you conquer the world how?"

"I can use the kid's inventions to control the volcano, and when it erupts, I'll have the lava destroy all the capitals in the world, and then _I'll_ take over!"

Jack stared some more.

"That plan…may just be crazy enough…," he said.

There was a pause.

"Well…?" asked Dr Brainstorm.

"Well what?"

"Aren't you going to say that it's crazy enough to work?"

"No, I just mean that it's crazy enough."

Brainstorm growled and went to his door.

"Come, Jack!" he said. "We must find that boy!"

"Whatever you say, Frank."

"**_DR BRAINSTORM!_**" shouted Dr Loony-Pants.

* * *

An hour later, Calvin and Hobbes were landing just outside what was supposedly the opening to the volcano.

"So what do you intend to freeze it with?" asked Hobbes.

"The Transmogrifier Gun," said Calvin. "I'll change all that lava into ice with it."

"And you plan on getting to the lava how?" asked Hobbes.

Calvin replied by pulling out the hypercube.

By this time, Dr Brainstorm and Jack were watching from the bushes.

They watched as Calvin pulled out a drill from the hypercube.

"What the—!" gasped Brainstorm. "_His_ storage cube doesn't jam!"

"One of life's little cruelties," said Jack, who was leaning against a tree.

Calvin turned the drill on, put on a yellow hardhat, and proceeded to drill.

However, after a while, he got bored, and decided to save time.

"Hobbes, hand me the Time Pauser," he said.

Hobbes reached into the hypercube and pulled out the cylindrical yellow device with the red button.

Calvin pushed the button.

Then, much to Dr Brainstorm's amazement, a giant hole appeared.

Jack was a little surprised, but not much else.

"How did he do that?" demanded Brainstorm.

"Apparently he used a time stopper," said Jack, who was now actually paying attention.

"Okay," said Calvin, climbing out of the hole. "I managed to reach the lava. All we have to do is transmogrify it into ice, and then it won't erupt for at least another thousand years."

"Nice," said Hobbes.

Calvin put the drill and hardhat back into the hypercube, and then he pulled out the Transmogrifier Gun.

"What's he doing with that water pistol?" asked Dr Brainstorm.

Suddenly, rather than water, out shot a hot blast of electricity.

At once, the little pool of lava that was at the bottom of the hole turned into white ice.

"It's working," said Calvin. "Now I just need to keep the flow going for at least another five minutes, and then we can head home."

"Fine with me," said Hobbes, who got back into the box.

But Brainstorm was not about to let this slide.

"Now's when we strike!" he said.

And with that, he burst out of the bushes.

Jack stayed behind.

"This should be good," he commented.

Dr Brainstorm flew from the bushes and dashed towards them.

"REMEMBER THE ALAMO!" he shouted.

Calvin and Hobbes looked up.

They saw a deranged maniac running towards them.

"Uh-oh," said Hobbes. "Dr Brain-Drain is back."

"Quick! Hobbes! Take the hypercube and fly the box out of here! I'll hold him off!" said Calvin.

"What about freezing the volcano?"

"I finish it after I've taken care of him!"

Hobbes grabbed the hypercube and all the other inventions off the ground and took to the sky.

Calvin stayed behind with the Transmogrifier Gun.

Dr Brainstorm ran faster.

Jack…just stood there.

"Get back here!" Dr Brainstorm shouted at Hobbes.

"Give me one good reason!" Hobbes shouted back.

Dr Brainstorm whipped out his Laser-o-Matic.

"That's a good reason," Hobbes whispered.

Brainstorm fired at Hobbes.

Or at least he tried to.

Unlike last time, nothing came out of the nozzle.

"DARN THIS PIECE OF SCRAP!" he hollered.

And he kicked it away.

It fell down the hole and shattered the thin layer of ice Calvin had put over the lava.

That's when disaster struck.

Uh-oh.

The Laser-o-Matic had suddenly turned on because Brainstorm had kicked it.

And suddenly, a blast of red shot out of the hole.

Then there was silence.

Calvin, Hobbes, Dr Brainstorm and Jack waited.

Then the ground started to rumble.

Calvin gulped.

At once, he and Hobbes were desperately trying to fill in the hole.

But it was too late.

The lava started to rise.

"Smooth move there, Frank," said Jack.

"Again, it's **_DR BRAINSTORM!_**"

But Jack was right. This wasn't going to end well.

All at once, lava shot out of the ground, and so did over a tone of smoke and smog.

"RUN!" shouted Calvin.

Calvin and Hobbes dove into the box.

And, because they felt sorry for him, they grabbed Jack and jammed him into the box too.

Calvin started it up and the box took off.

But not before Dr Brainstorm grabbed onto the bottom.

He dangled there, screaming as lava spewed everywhere.

"What're we gonna do now?" screamed Hobbes.

"Move to Mars," suggested Jack.

"There's no oxygen on Mars!" Calvin shouted.

"So? I'm a robot. I don't need it."

"Well we do, and so the answer is no!"

Jack rolled his eyes.

Calvin looked over the edge of the box.

"Maybe we can just take all the lava and put it somewhere else?" he suggested.

"Where could we possibly put it?" demanded Hobbes.

Calvin thought for a moment.

Then he got an idea.

"Okay, I think I know where, but you're not gonna like it," he said.

"Where?" asked Hobbes.

Calvin whispered into his ear.

Hobbes gasped.

"What did he say?" asked Jack.

* * *

Calvin, Hobbes, Jack and Dr Brainstorm flew towards their neighborhood as fast as the box would take them.

Once they came to their destination, Calvin jumped out and tied up Brainstorm so that he couldn't interfere.

"Where are we?" asked Jack.

"We're at our friend Socrates' house," said Calvin. "He can help in a way."

Calvin and Hobbes knocked on the door.

Socrates answered.

"Hey guys, what's up?"

"Oh, we're performing a number quiz, and if you get the number right, then you can prank both of us tomorrow and we won't get mad!" said Hobbes.

Socrates grinned.

"Wow, are you serious? That'd be cool."

"Good," said Calvin. "Now hurry! What number comes between 98,461 and 98,463?"

Socrates stared.

"Uh, 98,462?"

Suddenly, Socrates jumped up into the air, landed on his tail, spun around, closed his eyes and put his hands up.

Dr Brainstorm and Jack stared in confusion.

"This is the Galaxy Transmitting System sending out a transmission from Earth. Please state the planet you are trying to reach?" Socrates said in a high-tech voice.

"Planet Zok," Calvin stated.

"Planet Zok is being contacted. Please wait…Do, do, do, duh, do, duh, do, dee, dudaloo… We have reached contact with Planet Zok. Please state who you wish to contact."

"The Alien King: Rupert Chill."

"Please state your business."

"We have something he might want," Hobbes said.

"We shall now connect you with him," said Socrates / Transmitter.

There was a dial tone, and then a familiar voice picked up.

"Hello?" said a voice.

It was Rupert.

"Yeah, hi, Rupert," said Calvin. "This is Calvin, the Earth Potentate."

"_WHAT?_" shouted another voice.

It was Earl.

"What are you doing calling us?" he went on.

"We have a bit of a business proposition for ya," said Calvin.

"What do you mean?" asked Rupert, who sounded a little unsure.

"As you know, your planet is made up of lava," said Calvin. "And it's also your national beverage. We have been greatly overstocked with the stuff and are prepared to give it all to you."

They could now hear Rupert and Earl whispering back and forth between themselves.

"How much lava are we talking about here?" asked Earl.

"Gallons," said Hobbes. "But you can only have it on two conditions. One: you have to get here within half an hour. Two: you can't try to destroy us."

Rupert sighed.

"Very well, we have a deal. Where do we meet you?"

"At Yellowstone National Park," said Calvin. "And be quick about it."

And he hung up.

Socrates' high-tech voice came on again.

"Resume normal functions in three…two…one…ATCHOO!" he sneezed.

"What happened?" he asked.

"You guessed correctly," said Calvin. "You are entitled to one free prank tomorrow."

Socrates grinned.

"Well, I'd stay and chat, but I have to prepare."

And he left.

Calvin and Hobbes sighed, and they hopped back into the box with Jack and the tied up Dr Brainstorm.

* * *

Twenty minutes after they arrived at Yellowstone again, Calvin, Hobbes and Jack were trying hard to keep the lava flow under control.

So far, they had made duplicates of Dr Brainstorm's hypercube.

They knew the lava would be safe there because it always jams.

Calvin, Hobbes and Jack were running all around, letting the lava flow inside.

Dr Brainstorm was still in the box, tied up and, at Jack's request, gagged.

"When are Rupert and Earl getting here?" shouted Hobbes.

"I don't know!" replied Calvin. "We've got to do something before it starts to cover the world in dust and covers the sun!"

Just then, Jack spotted something huge started to cross the sky.

"What's that?" he shouted.

Calvin and Hobbes looked up.

"It's Rupert and Earl!" shouted Calvin. "I never thought I'd be happy to see them!"

The gigantic ship was safe because it was nighttime, so no one was out.

A gigantic megaphone came out of the top.

"ALL RIGHT, EARTH POTENTATE!" shouted Rupert. "IS THIS THE LAVA?"

"No, it's cotton candy," Jack muttered.

Calvin and Hobbes nodded eagerly.

"ALL RIGHT, EARL! LET 'ER RIP!"

Calvin, Hobbes, Jack and Dr Brainstorm watched as gigantic hoses came down from the undercarriage of the ship.

The hoses dove into the hole the lava was spurting from.

Then a whirring noise was heard, and then the lava started to leave the grass, leaving it slightly charred, and then it started to suck the lava up the hoses.

Calvin and Hobbes grinned happily.

After four more minutes of sucking, Earl made an announcement.

"Thanks, Earth Potentate," he said.

There was a pause.

"Boy, there's three words I never thought I'd say in a row," he muttered.

"And how," agreed Rupert.

"Thanks, boys," said Calvin. "We can resume our rivalry tomorrow."

"Righto," said Earl. "We'll see ya the next time we try to kill ya."

The hoses were brought back up, and then Rupert's ship flew away.

"Phew," said Calvin. "Glad that's over."

Then Calvin, Hobbes and Jack filled in the hole.

"Well, I learned something today," Calvin said. "Never tamper with nature."

"Right," said Hobbes. "And _I_ learned that not everything bad in this universe is your fault."

Calvin rolled his eyes.

Then he dumped Dr Brainstorm out of the box.

He turned to Jack.

"We'll leave Frank here with you," he said.

Brainstorm screamed a muffled correction.

Jack shook hands with Calvin.

"Something tells me he's going to want to get revenge on you guys," he said. "So that means we'll have to meet again someday."

"It'll be a pleasure," Calvin replied. "On your half, at least."

Jack shook hands with Hobbes.

"And you have our sympathies. Until today, I thought living with Calvin was a living heck."

Hobbes took his paw back, he accidentally took Jack's arm off.

"Thank you," Jack sighed.

Hobbes grinned nervously and put the arm back on.

Calvin and Hobbes climbed back into the box, and they took off towards home.

Jack waved goodbye and then turned back to Dr Brainstorm, who was glaring at him.

"Come on, Frank," he said. "Let's go home."

Brainstorm growled and fidgeted as Jack dragged him away.

* * *

Calvin and Hobbes landed in their bedroom.

It was late, so Calvin shoved the box back into the closet and put his PJs on.

"What a day, Hobbes," he said. "We just saved the world again, and no one will ever know."

"I think it's for the best," said Hobbes, crawling into bed. "But on the bright side, Rupert and Earl took most of the lava from the volcano, so when Yellowstone does erupt, it won't be as bad."

"Right," said Calvin. "One thing that confuses me though: why did those morons put a national park on top of a super volcano in first place? And if they didn't know until after they'd built it, why didn't they take it down?"

"Tourist dollars," said Hobbes.

"Shameful," Calvin sighed. "Come on. I'm tired. Let's hit the hay."

And with that, Calvin and Hobbes turned off the light and went to bed.

It had been quite a day.

And tomorrow would be just as quite, because Socrates was still thinking up the prank he had won.

**The End

* * *

**

**Voice work**

**Pamela Segall Adlon:** Calvin

**Tom Hanks:** Hobbes

**Jennifer Love Hewitt: **Mom

**Dakota Fanning:** Susie Derkins

**Ryan Stiles:** Socrates

**Neil Crone:** Dr Brainstorm

**Michael Brandon:** Jack

**French Stewart:** Socrates' High-Tech Voice

**Eric Roberts:** Rupert Chill

**Tom Kenny:** Earl

* * *

**Coming up Next: **Eggs for Calvin


	31. Eggs for Calvin!

**Summary:**When Hobbes and Socrates set up a massive Easter Egg Hunt for Calvin, he is desperate to find them in time. However, something unexpected may keep him from doing it.

* * *

_And now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series  
__Written by garfieldodie and Swing123_

**Eggs for Calvin**

It was Easter Morning in the town that Calvin and Hobbes live in.

Is it Easter Morning where you are?

Probably not, but go ahead and watch the show anyway.

Socrates was waltzing through town towards Calvin and Hobbes' house.

Calvin wasn't home right now. He and the family were at church, so it was safe for him to enter without fear of Calvin yelling at him.

Today, he was coming to Hobbes with a prank idea.

Of course.

Yes, you see, when it comes to pranks, Socrates has very few limits.

There are a few. For one thing, he doesn't like the thought of injuring someone. And when I say injure, I mean like breaking a bone or straining something.

A cut or bruise is fine.

But mostly, he will prank no matter what.

Socrates was humming a little tune as he approached the house, and then he skipped merrily up towards Calvin's bedroom.

He knocked on the door.

"You may enter," said Hobbes.

Socrates entered the bedroom.

Hobbes was sitting on the bed, eating some jellybeans.

Yes, he and Calvin had already been visited by the Easter Bunny.

Calvin had already eaten every last scrap of chocolate.

"Hey, Crateso," Hobbes said. "Take your pick. We got these jellybeans, half a chocolate rabbit, and a Cookies 'N' Cream Hershey bar."

"I'll pass," said Socrates. "I've come to you with a plan for a scam."

Hobbes looked up.

"A prank to play on Calvin?"

"What else?"

There was a moment of silence.

"You mean you're willing to scam somebody on one of our nation's holiest days?" Hobbes asked, looking shocked.

Socrates nodded.

Hobbes grinned.

"Just checking to make sure it was you. What's the plan?"

"Well, I thought in celebration of Easter Sunday, we should do an egg-themed prank."

"You mean we're just going to throw eggs at him? That's not very creative."

"No, I'm saving that for Labor Day," said Socrates. "We're going to play a little scavenger hunt game."

"How so?"

"We'll hide eggs all over town, and he has to find them all in five hours, or suffer the consequences."

Hobbes stared at him some more.

"Is there any more?"

"Yeah, the consequences are that we steal all his clothes except his most dumb-looking ones and make him go to school like that."

Hobbes grinned.

"I like the sound of that," he said. "He has that plaid vest his grandma gave him for Christmas."

"Right," said Socrates. "And to guarantee that he doesn't make it in time, we can hide them in

the most far-flung places of the town."

"Well, why are we just standing here?" asked Hobbes. "Let's get to it."

And Hobbes started rooting through Calvin's closet, and he whipped out the Time Pauser.

He and Socrates went into time stop.

_**BOOM!**_

Socrates pulled out several eggs.

They went to several places all over town that I won't give away right now because it would absolutely ruin it.

Let's just say that there were five eggs, and on each one, Hobbes taped a piece of paper with writing on it.

And it went on for less than a second.

Finally, they returned to the house, and unstopped time.

_**BOOM!**_

And at that moment, Mom and Dad drove up with Calvin in the backseat.

Do you know how they knew this?

Because Calvin was screaming his head off, of course, and Hobbes and Socrates could hear him all the way up into his room.

"Okay, get ready," said Socrates.

There was a loud explosion of anger as Calvin stormed up the stairs and into his room.

It shook the house when he slammed the door.

He was wearing a blue tie, a white button down shirt, and black pants.

"Man, you wouldn't believe how long church dragged today," he said, not noticing them. "The pastor went on and on for hours about the goodness of the world. Goodness of the world, my foot. Have you seen the state of this place?"

During his speech, Calvin had removed his tie and then dove into the bottom drawer of his dresser and slammed it.

Then it shook and wobbled, and each drawer stuck out a little, and then Calvin, in his normal attire, popped out of the top drawer and jumped onto the bed.

"Did you save me the rest of the chocolate rabbit, or did you already go and eat it?" he asked Hobbes.

"Calvin, Socrates' here," said Hobbes.

"Yeah, and I'm ignoring him. Now on to business. I'm seeking a critter known as Peter Cocoa Tail. Ever heard of him?"

Hobbes sighed and handed Calvin what was left of the bunny.

Calvin started to munch on it.

"Man. What a holiday," said Calvin.

There was a pause.

"Say, Calvin," said Socrates.

"Yes, red-tailed one?" Calvin said, not giving him eye contact.

"Hobbes and I have a little surprise for you."

"Not interested."

Socrates pretended to look hurt, yet he wasn't surprised.

"Where did that come from?" he asked.

And in Socrates' voice, Calvin said, "'Hey, Calvin? Have you ever seen a giant barrel of mustard fall on a head before?' 'Calvin, why don't you come with me to the creek to find a lobster?' 'We're playing Checkerless Checkers, Calvin. Wanna play?'"

And he resumed eating the bunny.

Socrates stared at him.

Hobbes looked away with a grin on his face.

"Calvin, how can you jump to the conclusion that this will be a repeat of what happened last time? This could be a good surprise!"

Calvin glared at him.

"Socrates, every time you surprise me, it winds up with me falling on my roof, or getting lost in a sea of peanut butter, getting scared by a doll or getting condiments in clothes," he said coldly.

Socrates got down on his knees.

"Look at me, Calvin. I swear I've turned over a new leaf!"

Calvin looked at him.

"Really?"

"Really. I've given up my pranking ways! I've decided to be like you and Hobbes. To fight for justice and truth and all that other nonsense!"

"Is that so?" Calvin said.

"Yes. I'm willing to leave behind my terrible, rude life of making you two miserable and become you two: a couple of goody-two shoes, and I mean that in the nicest way possible."

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

Calvin looked at Socrates with wide eyes.

"You mean it?"

"Yep-er-doodles," said Socrates.

"Well all I can say to that is…," Calvin paused, "…you already tried that one last week. Nice

try."

Socrates snapped his fingers in frustration.

"Darn it!"

Hobbes took a chance.

"Look, we really did set up an Easter Egg hunt for you, and it's all over town. We even had a prize for you if you found them all within five hours, but seeing as how you've already said no…"

Calvin's head whipped towards Hobbes.

"Prize? What prize? Nobody mentioned a prize!"

Socrates stared at Hobbes, who simply winked in return.

"It's a secret prize. Just find all five eggs in five hours, and you can have it," Hobbes said.

Calvin grinned a huge grin.

"A prize, huh?" he said.

"But," Hobbes went on, "if you don't, we have to prank you."

Calvin's grin wilted a little.

"What's the prank?"

"Well, if we told you, that'd simply ruin it," said Socrates, who was eating some candy bars.

But Calvin didn't look discouraged. In fact, he had on a look of determination.

"Challenge accepted, my feline friends," he said. "I will find all your little eggs in record time! And I'll get my little prize too!"

And Calvin flew from his room and out the front door.

Hobbes and Socrates winked.

* * *

Calvin flew out the front door, tripped on the front step, spent fifteen seconds screaming at it, then turned back to the task at hand. 

"Let's see, where am I gonna find the first egg?" he wondered.

As he walked, he looked all around the yard, and he absentmindedly slammed into a tree.

"Somebody get the number of that maple!" he shouted as he fell to the ground.

But something else fell to the ground.

It was a sheet of paper with some writing on it.

Calvin picked it up and read it.

"Calvin, we knew you'd run into this tree, so we put the first clue here. Your first egg can be found at a volcano."

Calvin stared.

"There aren't any volcanoes around here!" he said indignantly.

He paused.

"Are there?"

Susie was walking past.

"Hey, Derkins! I don't suppose you know if there's anything volcano-related around here?" he asked.

Susie stopped and thought.

"Well, there's the Volcano Café that's near the center of town," she said.

Calvin grinned.

"Genius!" he said. "Thank you, kind citizen. I will not forget you. Unless, of course, I do."

And he ran back towards the house.

Susie rolled her eyes.

* * *

Mom and Dad were watching television. 

"Mom! Dad!" he shouted. "I need a ride to the Volcano Café! Pronto!"

Dad stared at him.

"Why do you expect us to drop everything and take you somewhere?" Dad demanded.

"Besides, it's almost lunchtime," added Mom.

"Hobbes and Socrates have me on an Easter Egg hunt, and the first egg is in the restaurant! I need a ride so that they won't prank me tomorrow!"

Mom and Dad threw Calvin into his room.

Hobbes and Socrates were eating candy and reading comic books.

"Giving up already?" asked Hobbes.

"Not a chance," said Calvin. "I'll just need a different mode of transport, is all."

Calvin dove into the closet and emerged with the Time Machine.

"See you guys later."

And with that, Calvin was out the window and heading for the Volcano Café.

Socrates glanced at Hobbes.

"You know, you never told me what his surprise would be," he said.

Hobbes looked up.

"I thought you were coming up with something."

"But it was your idea."

Hobbes sighed.

"Let's discuss this over some tuna fish."

"Agreed."

Hobbes and Socrates went downstairs to the kitchen.

Mom and Dad were still watching TV.

As they fished around for the tuna, they heard an announcer.

"…and in other news, police are hot on the trail of the diamond smugglers who have been reported to have stolen various diamonds from a local jeweler, and they reportedly hid them on the beach in an antique treasure chest."

Hobbes and Socrates' heads shot up.

"Um, Socrates?" asked Hobbes.

"Yes?"

"Didn't we hide the last egg on the beach?"

"Yeah."

"And did we hide it in a treasure chest?"

"Yep."

"So wouldn't that mean that we might have sent Calvin to his untimely death?"

"Possibly."

Hobbes and Socrates stared at each other.

A beat passed.

Then we got some noise.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

They screamed and ran out the door.

Looks like Calvin will get a surprise after all.

* * *

Calvin flew over the city in the Time Machine until he spotted a phone booth. 

He landed behind a bush and ran up to it.

He went into the booth and pulled out the phone book, searching for the name Volcano Café.

He finally found it, and wrote down the address.

Then he snuck back behind the bush and flew off towards the café.

Once he got there, he parked the Time Machine in an alley, and then he ran into the building.

The man at the front desk looked down at him.

"Do you have a reservation?" he asked.

"Actually, I'm just looking for a plastic egg. I don't suppose you've seen one, have you?"

Calvin was immediately thrown out onto the sidewalk.

"YEAH, WAY TO SHOW SOME EASTER LOVE, PAL!" he shouted.

Calvin grumbled and dusted himself off.

Then he went back to the alley.

"Hmmm," he thought. "Maybe I can get in around back."

He came to the back of the restaurant.

Only when he got there…

Hmm…

This was odd.

There a pad on the door, and it was apparently keeping the back door locked.

Calvin stepped onto it.

"OPEN SESAME!" he shouted.

Nothing.

"Darn it," he muttered. "It must be weight-activated, and evidently I'm not heavy enough to open it."

Calvin then saw that there was a trash can behind him.

He ran over to it and hoisted it up, and then he let it fall on the pad.

Then he stood on it.

The door popped open.

"Nicely done," he said.

Calvin entered.

There was music playing. It sounded like "Livin La Vida Loca".

Calvin snuck through the kitchen and into the open.

The restaurant was completely red, and there were lights lit up to make it look like a volcano. And all the food was Mexican. I don't know why. Are there any volcanoes in Mexico? I wouldn't know.

"Nice touch," said Calvin.

He searched all the tables, looking for a plastic egg.

He looked under them. He looked in trash cans, in the restrooms, in the plants, behind the speakers, on the trays and behind the cash register.

How did he do that without someone noticing him?

Again, I have no idea.

"Man, they can really hide stuff," Calvin commented. "But there's no way I'm giving up now!"

Next, he looked at the pictures on the wall, and he saw…

Aye carumba!

There was a green plastic egg on the wall on a shelf.

Calvin ran over, jumped across a moving cart, onto a table, and he jumped up and grabbed the egg.

"Gotcha!" he shouted.

Then he realized he had just knocked over a table and sent some weird food everywhere.

Whoops.

"Um…my bad," Calvin said.

The guy from the front punted him out the door again.

"Good thing I gave 'em a fake name," he said.

He ran into the Time Machine and read the note that was inside the egg.

"_Wow, you actually made it into the restaurant? We're impressed…but not very. Now you must head for the junkyard to get the next egg. Better hurry. Time's running out!_"

Calvin glanced at his watch.

"I have four hours left," he said. "Better get going!"

He revved the Time Machine and took to the sky.

* * *

Meanwhile, Hobbes and Socrates were just approaching the Volcano Café. They looked inside and saw the mess on the floor, and everyone else trying to clean it up. 

"Calvin's been here," said Hobbes. "Let's get going."

"To the Bat Mobile," agreed Socrates.

And they left.

* * *

Calvin landed the Time Machine just past the guard who was at the gate. 

When he landed, he hid it behind some rubbish.

And just to be safe, he parked it in the open, so he could tell it apart from all the others.

"Let's see, if I were an Easter Egg, where would I hide?" he pondered.

Then he heard a noise come from an old car.

It was an old blue ford.

Calvin opened the door and climbed in, and then shut it, hiding himself.

"I wonder how the heck I'm gonna find a plastic egg in all this mess?" he wondered.

Then he saw something out the window.

Huh.

That was strange.

A plastic egg! It was red this time.

"Hmm, that was easy," he said.

Calvin got out of the ford and walked towards the egg.

Suddenly, something occurred to him.

"Maybe…too easy," he thought.

Calvin looked all around.

Nobody around.

Just a simply tiny shack that had a huge hole on the front, and it stick on the front with a chain attached.

Wait a minute…

There was a word painted on the front in bold black letters.

SPIKE.

Uh-oh.

Suddenly, a giant Doberman Pincher jumped from the shack and attacked.

"AAAAAAAHHH!" Calvin screamed.

Calvin whirled around and was red blur as he dove back into the car.

The dog chased him until the chain ran out.

Then Spike growled some more and kept an eye on Calvin.

Calvin stared back.

Huh.

This could take a while.

He glanced at his watch.

He still had three and a half hours left.

"I've got time," he said to himself.

But after twenty minutes of just sitting there and watching Spike, Calvin got the idea that he would probably need some time to get those other eggs as well.

Then he saw a wooden plank sitting on the ground nearby.

He grabbed it and looked at Spike.

"All right, Spiky. Let's give this a whirl."

Spike stared at the plank.

Calvin pulled out his magic marker and drew an evil-looking face on it.

"See this? This piece of wood said you couldn't scare a flea off. Of course, you have none, because they can't stand your body odor. That's what this guy says."

Spike growled.

Calvin heaved the plank over a pile of junk.

Spike ran after it.

"Good dog," Calvin muttered.

Calvin exploded from the car and grabbed the egg.

He then headed back and dove into the Time Machine.

He popped the red egg open and read it.

"_Wow, you're better than we thought at this. Now you have to head for McDonalds and go into the playing structure. Don't worry about another kid taking the egg. We've already taken care of it._"

Calvin stared at it.

"Bu-da, bu, ba, ba, I'm lovin' it," he sang quietly.

Then he heard a growl come from behind him.

Spike had returned, and he had done some damage to the plank.

In other words, it was a pile of toothpicks.

Spike growled at Calvin.

Calvin stared.

Then he zapped outta there as fast as he could.

Five minutes after he left, Hobbes and Socrates ran over to the front gate of the junkyard.

They saw Spike was chewing up the plank some more.

But they also saw they egg was gone, and there were footprints that looked like shoes in the mud.

"He's already been here too!" said Socrates.

"Quick!" said Hobbes. "We need to catch up with him before he makes it to the beach."

And they ran off in hot pursuit of the Time Machine.

Huh.

Maybe if Calvin hadn't of used that thing, maybe this would've been easier.

* * *

Calvin landed on top of McDonalds, and then ran into the building. 

He noticed that everyone there was sitting outside of the playroom.

How convenient.

Calvin checked his watch.

He still had two hours and fifteen minutes.

"Where is everyone?" Calvin asked.

"Most are at home for Easter," said the janitor, "but the rest are intellectuals who don't like to play on this stuff."

"Poor saps," said Calvin. "Ah well. I gotta find that egg."

So Calvin left his shoes in the bin, and then he proceeded in climbing through the multi-colored castle.

First he climbed up a tower where had to climb up several different platforms.

Then he crawled through a yellow tunnel.

Next he crawled through a green tunnel, and then hung a right and crawled into a giant red round platform that overlooked the whole restaurant.

The egg wasn't there, so he had to make a U-turn and continue on through the green tunnel.

Then he went to the left and traveled through a short blue tunnel.

Next he came to a part where he could stand up.

It was sided with fishing nets, and it the floor was a red bridge that shook when he walked on it.

He ran across that, and then came to a giant blue slide. He got down and slid down.

"SPIFF'S SHIP SUDDENLY MALFUNCTIONS!" he shouted. "HE'S GOING TO CRASH! THIS COULD BE THE END! AAAAAAAHHH!"

And he tumbled back to where he started with a THUD!

"Strange," he said. "Where's the egg?"

Then he decided to check the shoe bin.

Nothing.

He dove into the ball pit.

He was shoveling balls out for about half an hour before he finally found something blue, plastic and oval shaped.

"VICTORY!" he screamed.

Calvin's shout drew the attention of the manager, who stared at the balls that were now all over the place.

Calvin noticed him, and he jammed the egg into his pocket.

"Uh……Happy Easter?" he asked.

Calvin was thrown out of the restaurant. Then he was pelted by his shoes.

After he'd gotten his shoes back on, he scrambled up to the roof and jumped into the Time Machine.

He took the blue egg out of his pocket. He popped it open and pulled out the note inside.

"_Hope you had fun in there. Now then, there is one last egg to be found. It is located in an old treasure chest at the beach._"

Calvin grinned.

"Finally! I'll get my prize!"

Then he checked his watch.

"And with an extra hour to spare!"

He revved up the Time Machine, and he took to the sky…

…just as Hobbes and Socrates came running up.

"There he is!" shouted Socrates.

"CALVIN!" Hobbes shouted. "STOP!"

But Calvin was out of earshot.

"Hurry!" shouted Hobbes.

And they ran after him.

But before they crossed the street, a brown Chevy flew past them, and then a police car with wailing sirens took off after it.

Hobbes and Socrates ignored it and ran down the street.

* * *

Calvin flew out towards the lake and landed the Time Machine behind a restroom. 

When he came out, he looked at his watch.

"Still got fifty-five minutes," he said. "Should have plenty of time," he said.

He whipped out a metal detector.

Yeah, I know the egg's made of plastic, but it's also in a treasure chest, which should have some metal on it.

"Let's get started," he sighed.

But it was a big lake.

And people were everywhere.

Fortunately, the beach wasn't very large, so Calvin just had to wave it back and forth.

However, Calvin had not noticed that a brown Chevy was pulling up.

The same one from earlier.

The diamond smugglers had evaded the coppers, and they were now bringing down a pair of shovels and were running in the same direction Calvin had gone in.

"Come on, Tom," said the one with a mustache. "Let's get to it before the cops get here."

"Uh, I'm coming, Bill," said Tom, who was the one with the sunglasses. "You sure about this?"

"Of course I'm sure!" snapped Bill. "Come on. We gotta find those diamonds!"

"Whatever."

Bill and Tom ran down the beach, ready to find their own treasure chest.

After about forty-five minutes later, Calvin was halfway around the lake.

Calvin finally heard a faint BEEP, BEEP, BEEP come from the metal detector.

"All right!" he cheered. "Bring on the egg!"

Calvin started digging like mad.

Then he stopped to check his watch.

Fifteen minutes left.

Calvin continued to dig.

Five minutes after he'd started, Bill and Tom passed Calvin, and then they approached another section of sand.

"This it?" asked Bill.

"Somewhere around here," said Tom.

"Okay, dig."

Tom started digging.

Two minutes passed before he noticed he was digging alone.

"Aren't ya gonna help?" he asked.

"Oh, I'm sorry," said Bill.

He handed Tom the other shovel.

"There! Resume."

Tom groaned and started to dig with both shovels.

One minute later, Calvin finally hit wood.

"Found it!" he shouted.

Tom finally hit something made of wood.

"Found it!" he shouted.

Bill helped Tom heave up the treasure chest.

Calvin struggled, but he finally got the treasure chest out.

* * *

Meanwhile, Hobbes and Socrates had already arrived at the beach. 

Hobbes had inserted a quarter into a pair of binoculars and was scanning the beach.

"Can you see him yet?" asked Socrates.

"Not yet."

Hobbes shifted the binoculars to the left and presto!

"There he is!" he said. "And he's opening the chest!"

Then Hobbes glanced to the left a little more.

"Uh-oh."

"What?" asked Socrates.

"The diamond smugglers are there! They're about three yards away from him! And they're opening their own chest!"

"What do we do?" asked Socrates.

Hobbes looked around.

He spotted a familiar brown Chevy from earlier.

Then he saw the cops from earlier.

They were standing at the booth asking the lake owner some questions.

"I have an idea," he said. "I'll need a piece of paper, a pencil and another plastic egg."

Socrates looked confused, but he pulled all three items out of his pocket.

Hobbes started to write a message on the piece of paper. Then he jammed it into the plastic egg and hurled it at the cops.

One of the cops was hit in the back of the head.

He picked up the egg and looked around.

All he saw was a pair of stuffed tigers sitting next to a pair of binoculars.

The other cop opened up the egg.

"Hey, there's a message inside," he said.

The first one read it.

"_The diamond smugglers are here at the beach. Their car is parked right there. They are currently on the opposite side of the lake._"

The cops looked around again, but saw only the two stuffed tigers.

They shrugged, but then they recognized the brown Chevy.

They immediately jumped on a pair of motorcycles and flew off along the beach.

Hobbes and Socrates gave each other a high-five. Then they jumped into the Time Machine and took to the sky to be on hand just in case.

Bill and Tom finally managed to pry open the treasure chest.

"Finally!" said Bill. "Open it up! Let's check on the diamonds."

Tom opened it up, but when he saw what was in it, he frowned.

"Bill?"

"Yes?"

"Are diamonds small, round and purple?"

"No. Why?"

"Because that's what's in here. And there's only one."

"**_WHAT?_**"

Bill shoved Tom aside and looked inside.

"What the heck…? It's a plastic Easter Egg!"

"Oh, how festive!" said Tom.

"No, you dolt! These aren't the diamonds! Where are they?"

Meanwhile, three yards away, Calvin finally managed to get the treasure chest open. He lifted the lid and was nearly blinded.

"What the heck…? DIAMONDS! HOT DOG! I'M RICH!"

Bill and Tom overheard him.

"HEY!" he shouted. "THOSE ARE OURS!"

Calvin whirled around.

Bill was standing over him menacingly.

Tom just stood there, watching.

Calvin stared at them.

"Uh…did you steal these?" he asked.

"What's it to ya?" Bill snarled.

Calvin stared some more.

"I don't suppose you've seen a plastic egg around here, have you?" he asked sheepishly.

Tom held up the purple egg.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

"Yeah," said Calvin. "Toss it over."

Tom did so.

Calvin caught and opened it. He pulled out the note.

"_Congratulations. You made it! We weren't sure if we should write this note and leave this egg, but we thought, what the heck? Thank goodness we did, huh? Your reward will arrive shortly._"

Calvin glanced up at Bill and Tom.

"Huh," he said. "This is quite the reward."

Bill growled, and he was about to strangle Calvin, but suddenly, they all heard sirens.

Tom and Bill gasped and started to run.

Calvin watched as two police motorcycles pulled up. One stayed behind to get the diamonds while the other chased Bill and Tom.

Bill started to run across the shovel, but Tom stepped on the blade, and the handle popped up and nailed Bill right in the…

Well, let's just say it made Calvin burst out laughing.

Bill dropped to the ground in pain.

Tom just stared at him.

They were both arrested.

"Sweeeeeeeeeeeet," Calvin said in a low voice.

After they questioned Calvin if he was all right, the cops took Bill, Tom and the diamonds away in their car.

Calvin left the beach and walked onto the sidewalk with a big grin.

Hobbes and Socrates suddenly landed the Time Machine nearby.

Both looked a little nervous.

"Uh, hey," said Hobbes. "Need a lift home?"

"Yeah, sure," said Calvin, jumping in.

Calvin jumped in and took the controls. Then they flew off for home.

"That was the best Easter Egg hunt ever, Hobbes!" said Calvin.

Hobbes stared at him.

"Really?"

"Yeah. It was challenging, but I managed to finish it in time. You guys did pretty well."

Socrates stared at him.

"Eh, okay."

"And the prize was great!" Calvin went on.

"Prize?" asked Hobbes.

"Yeah! The cops attacking the diamond smugglers! I don't know how you guys did it, but this was the best Easter ever!"

Hobbes sighed with relief.

"Uh, yeah. No problem."

Socrates rolled his eyes.

"Whatever," he muttered.

And as they flew across the world towards home, Calvin and Hobbes gave each other a high five.

"Happy Easter, Hobbes," said Calvin.

"Happy Easter, Calvin," said Hobbes.

And together, in a really sappy voice, they said, "HAPPY EASTER, SOC-RA-TES!"

Socrates rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, Happy Day of the Chocolate Bunny," he said.

**The End

* * *

**

**Voice Work:**

**Pamela Segall Adlon:** Calvin

**Tom Hanks:** Hobbes/Cop 1

**Ryan Stiles:** Socrates/Janitor at McDonalds

**Bill Murray:** Dad/Bill/Cop 2

**Jennifer Love Hewitt: **Mom

**Dakota Fanning:** Susie Derkins

**Tom Kenny:** Tom/Guy at Volcano Café/TV Announcer

**Dee Bradley Baker:** Miscellaneous voice work

* * *

**Coming up Next:** Two Loons and a Kid 


	32. Two Loons and a Kid

**Summary: **When Mom's sister is in town, Calvin and Hobbes are charged with the task of babysitting Calvin's cousin, Dana. But, of course, things are a lot more complicated than they thought.

* * *

_And now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series  
__Written by_ _garfieldodie and Swing123_

**Two Loons and a Kid**

Calvin and Hobbes were sitting in the bedroom reading comic books.

Not much was happening.

It was Friday afternoon, and school had only let out an hour ago.

They were enjoying their new comic books.

Just then, they heard a loud noise coming from downstairs.

"WWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Calvin and Hobbes shot up into the air and crashed onto their bed.

"WHAT WAS THAT?" Calvin shrieked.

"It sounded like a kid crying!" said Hobbes.

They stared at each other.

Then they started to scream in terror.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

They exploded downstairs and burst into the living room.

Mom and Dad were standing at a baby carriage, cooing at a baby girl.

"Oh no!" Calvin screamed.

"What?" asked Mom.

"You brought home a kid! Why'd you do it! I'm your kid! What do ya need that thing for?"

"Calvin, this isn't ours," said Mom. "This is your cousin, Dana. Remember her? You saw her eleven months ago when she was born."

Calvin stared.

"Oh," he said. "I remember. Why was Aunt Janice screaming the whole time?"

"It's a long story that you'll hear when you're older," said Dad.

"It's always when I'm older," Calvin whispered to Hobbes.

Hobbes sighed and went back upstairs.

"Well, why's Dana here?" Calvin went on. "Aunt Janice not want her anymore?"

"No, we're babysitting while she's in town. She's at a bunch of conferences today," said Dad. "However, I've got to get to the office meeting. I'll see you all later."

And Dad left.

Mom cooed some more at Dana.

"So soft. So sweet. And she has that baby smell too," she said.

Calvin stared at Dana, then sniffed.

"Yep. Sour milk."

Mom cuddled the child some more. "I wonder if we could have another child," she sighed.

"Let me help you with that: don't!" Calvin exclaimed.

Mom held Dana closer to Calvin.

"Here. Smell her."

Calvin stared at her.

What is it with women and babies?

"Mom, it's a baby. Not the interior of a new car," said Calvin.

"Come on! Smell!"

Mom held Dana closer, and Calvin jumped onto the stairs.

"Mom, don't do this!" he said warily. "That thing is a trap! It can sell anything, but you gotta remember that these things grow up! It gets high marks on the IQ test but gets Ds in school! It takes your car without a license, drives around town and gets lost, and when it comes home it asks what it did wrong!"

Mom sighed and took the child away.

Calvin went upstairs.

"It's false advertising, Mom!" he shouted. "Don't fall for it!"

* * *

When Calvin returned to the hall, he saw Hobbes talking on the phone. 

"Okay, spread the word," he said, and he hung up.

"Who was that?" asked Calvin.

"Socrates. I told him to call Andy and Sherman, and they'll come over this afternoon to help with our Extreme Water Balloon blasts."

Calvin grinned deviously.

"Perfect!" he said. "With Socrates deviousness, Sherman's genius and Andy's charm, Susie won't know what hit her!"

"Right."

A little later, Calvin and Hobbes were still waiting for their friends to arrive.

They were just finishing up their comic books when in crawled Dana.

Just as they were putting the books in the dresser, Dana yanked at the bed sheets.

Calvin and Hobbes fell to the ground.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

THUD!

Hobbes looked up and saw Dana staring at him.

"Well, hello, strange baby," he said.

Dana squealed and squeezed Hobbes' head.

"Yes, that's my head. Please let go of it," Hobbes said.

Dana pulled on Hobbes and started to drag him around the room.

Calvin watched with amusement.

"Never knew you were so good with babies, Hobbes," he grinned.

Hobbes scowled at him.

"Please get your cousin off of me!" he demanded.

Just then Mom entered.

She saw Dana dragging a stuffed tiger across the floor.

"Aww, how cute," she said. "Calvin, I'm going to the store for a couple of hours, so I need you to take care of Dana. She doesn't need much. Just feed her, and then I should be back before you should have to change her diaper."

"But Mom, our friends are coming over! We have plans to make for tomorrow," Calvin complained.

"Well, I'm sure your friends will help."

"I'm not sure if Dana will survive with Socrates." Calvin said, crossing his arms.

"Look, it's just for two hours. Tops. I'll be right back. Be good."

And with that, Mom left.

Calvin and Hobbes stared as she drove away.

They glanced at each other.

They stared at Dana.

Dana stared back.

"Hmmm," said Calvin.

"What do we do now?" asked Hobbes.

"Well, let's try feeding her," Calvin suggested.

Hobbes picked up Dana.

"Burp!" said Dana.

Hobbes stared uneasily.

"That was a preview, wasn't it?" he said.

Calvin got a rag out of the bathroom and slung it over Hobbes' shoulder to be a dribble guard.

"Okay," he said. "You should be safe."

"You don't understand. Throw up never fully comes out of fur," Hobbes said. "I'll smell bad for weeks!"

Calvin and Hobbes carried Dana downstairs.

They set up the highchair and put Dana into it.

It was at that moment that there was a knock at the door.

Calvin answered.

Three figures stood at the door.

"Hey, Socrates. Get in here," said Calvin.

"Hi-ho, Cal," said Socrates, and he entered.

Next came in an eight-year-old boy with messy brown hair, blue jeans with a chain, and a red jersey with the number 19 on it.

On his shoulder sat a hamster that had light brown fur on his body, and had a white furry stomach.

"Andy, glad you could come," Calvin said, giving Andy a high five. "Sherman…hi."

"Hey, Calvin," said Andy.

"Hello, rogue," snorted Sherman.

Yes, Sherman can talk.

He's a genius too.

Don't ask.

Andy and Sherman joined Socrates and Hobbes in the kitchen.

They spotted Dana.

"Hey, Hobbes? Who's the kid?" asked Andy.

"This is Dana, Calvin's cousin," said Hobbes. "We're babysitting."

"Huh," said Socrates, who was examining the child. "Cute kid."

Dana smacked him.

Socrates rubbed his nose.

"Reeeeaaaaalllll cute," he growled.

Calvin entered and dug through the baby bag.

"You know what I just realized, Hobbes?" he asked. "This is a lot like when Rosalyn comes to baby-sit us."

Hobbes paused for a second.

"Hmmm. Never thought of it that way," he said. "Does this mean we're going to sprout fangs and say 'blah' a lot?"

Calvin stared.

"No way!" he said. "This kid is family! Besides, we could be the first babysitters in history to be nice to their kid!"

Hobbes grinned.

"I'm all up for that!" he said.

Calvin turned to Socrates, Andy and Sherman.

"Well, guys? Up for some babysitting?"

They stared at him.

"He's kidding, right?" asked Sherman.

Calvin sighed.

"Please?" he asked.

Calvin and Hobbes made bambi eyes as big as they could.

Andy, Sherman and Socrates stared at them.

"Must…fight…," said Socrates.

"Mustn't…be…affected…by…bambi…eyes," said Andy.

Sherman was unaffected.

"If your eyes get any bigger, you're going to need your own Disney movies," he said.

But Andy and Socrates caved.

"Fine, we'll help baby-sit," said Andy.

"But if she pops, I'm not cleaning it up," said Socrates.

For the next fifteen minutes, Calvin, Hobbes, Socrates and Andy tried hard to feed this kid.

They were covered in baby food remnants.

Sherman was nearby, watching with interest.

Dana had flung fifty different kinds of food.

Socrates attempted to feed Dana some brown stuff.

"Okay, here we go," he said.

They all stared at her.

Then there was a moment.

Finally…

"Ew!" shrieked Calvin. "Some is coming out of her nose again!"

Andy got out a washcloth and began to clean the spot.

"Man! It's like she's got wetness coming out of every hole in her body!" he gasped.

Calvin took the fifty-first can of baby food and attempted to feed her.

"Dumb wet baby," Hobbes muttered.

Calvin fed Dana the food.

The four jumped back.

There was a pause.

Dana smiled slightly.

"Hey!" cheered Hobbes. "She likes it!"

SQUIRT!

Gloop flew all over Andy.

"Apparently not," he said, cleaning himself off.

Socrates lost his temper, so he took a swig from jug of orange juice, and then he spit it all over Dana.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" shrieked Dana.

"Yeah!" shouted Socrates. "Suddenly it's not so funny when I do it, now is it?"

Hobbes smacked him.

"Socrates, you moron! It's a baby! She doesn't know any better!"

Socrates regained himself.

"Sorry, sorry. I don't know what came over me!"

Sherman chuckled and crawled over towards them.

"You know, did it ever occur to you that she's not hungry?" he squeaked.

Calvin, Hobbes, Andy and Socrates stared at the little hamster.

"Why didn't you say that earlier?" asked Calvin quietly.

"Nobody asked me," Sherman replied.

Hobbes glared at him.

"Andy, may I have permission to dunk this can of baby food all over you hamster?"

"Go ahead," said Andy, handing him the baby food.

Hobbes dumped a green and brown substance all over Sherman.

"AIEEE!" he screamed.

"Easy, Shermie," said Andy. "It's baby food. Not toxic waste."

"How do you know?" asked Calvin.

Dana giggled.

Calvin, Hobbes, Andy, Socrates and Sherman glared at her.

"Oh, shut up," Calvin muttered.

After they'd cleaned off, they put Dana in her playpen, and went upstairs.

"Okay," said Calvin. "We can now commence planning for the extreme water balloon blast."

"Well, where do we plan to set it up?" asked Andy.

"If I may make a suggestion," said Hobbes. "Let's not put it in the tree house. It'd be too suspicious."

"Excellent point," said Calvin. "Sherman, make a note of that."

Sherman typed everything down into a tiny computer that was hooked up to a regular-sized printer.

"Okay," said Socrates. "How do we get the Derkins broad under the water balloons?"

"Andy can lure her over," said Calvin. "She trusts him."

Andy grinned.

"Yeah, the ladies can't resist the ol' Andrew charm," he said.

Calvin stared at him.

"See, that kind of behavior is why you can't be in GROSS. Now let's head downstairs real quick."

* * *

Dana was playing with a toy, as most babies do. 

She rolled a ball across the playpen.

She crawled after it.

She pushed against the side of the pen, and it the whole thing tipped over.

Dana tumbled out.

The ball did too, and it bounced at the door.

Why wasn't the door shut?

Well, Sherman was the last one to enter, but he was unable to shut the door.

Oh dear.

Dana crawled out the door after the ball.

Back upstairs, Calvin and the gang were still writing, but then they heard car horns sounding.

Calvin and Hobbes glanced at each other.

They looked at the window.

They did a double-take.

"DANA!" screamed Calvin.

Socrates, Andy and Sherman stared out the window.

Dana was crawling thought traffic following the ball.

"Say, Calvin?" asked Socrates. "Isn't that your cousin crawling around in traffic?"

Everyone glared at him.

"I guessed right," he muttered.

Calvin jumped down.

"What're we gonna do!" Calvin shrieked. "If anything happens to Dana, not only will Mom and Dad kill us, we'll be worse than Rosalyn!"

Hobbes was horrified.

No kidding! He actually cared!

"We've got to do something!" Hobbes cried.

"What'll we do?"

"Notify her next of kin," said Sherman.

Andy took a cup and placed it over Sherman, blocking him out.

"Hobbes, we have to save my cousin!" said Calvin. "It's either that, or no comics and tuna for a millennium!"

"I'm with ya, buddy!" said Hobbes, jumping off the bed. "What'll we do?"

"Andy, hand me the MTM!"

Andy tossed Calvin the red CD player.

"Okay, we'll use this thing to track down Dana."

"Uh-huh," said Hobbes.

Calvin pressed a button on the MTM.

A holographic message came out.

_I'm sorry, did you want something?_

Calvin, Hobbes, Socrates and Andy stared at the message.

Sherman would've, but he was still under the cup.

Calvin typed a message back in.

_Yeah, we did. My cousin Dana is missing. Please help us find her._

The MTM replied.

_Very well, I'll get right on it. But I want some new batteries in return._

Calvin glared at the MTM.

_Fine. Just get started._

The MTM beeped.

_Specified person located._

A digital map zoomed in on the town just outside of the house.

A red dot appeared, and it was slowly moving.

"Huh," said Andy, staring at it. "She's heading for the Brown's General Store down the street."

"Okay," said Calvin. "Socrates, Andy and Sherman, you three stay here and cover for us in case Mom or Dad come home."

"You got it," agreed Socrates.

"Deal," agreed Andy.

"Wait, I never agreed to anything!" shouted Sherman, who was finally climbing out from under his cup.

Socrates shoved him back under.

"Come on, Hobbes," said Calvin. "We've gotta save my cousin!"

"Right behind ya!" said Hobbes.

Calvin and Hobbes closed up the MTM and ran outside.

Calvin ran into the garage and pulled out the wagon.

Hobbes' eyes crossed.

Gulp.

"Huh boy," he sighed.

"Look, Hobbes. While we're at the general store, we'll get some gummy worms."

"LET'S GET THE LEAD OUT!" shouted Hobbes, jamming Calvin and the MTM into the wagon.

Then Hobbes combined his vanishing act with pushing the wagon, and in an instant, Calvin and Hobbes tore down the sidewalk.

Hobbes opened the MTM.

The red dot continued to move.

"Onward!" he shouted.

* * *

Socrates watched Calvin and Hobbes leaving in the wagon. 

When he was out of sight, he spun around to Andy and yelled, "Well, we have the whole house to ourselves! Who's up for some TV?"

"I'm in." Andy said.

And with that, they walked into the livingroom.

There was a moment of silence.

"Nobody's coming to get me out, are they?" Sherman asked from under the cup.

* * *

Dana went crawling past a yellow fence, she peeked inside, then crawled through it in a hole in the fence. 

She crawled into a yard, and then out the yard gate.

Seconds later, Calvin and Hobbes came riding up in the wagon.

Calvin consulted the MTM.

"SHE'S IN THE YARD!" Calvin yelled.

"Hurry!" Hobbes yelled.

Calvin and Hobbes jumped out of the wagon, and dove through the hole in fence and into the yard.

"Where is she?" Calvin asked.

Hobbes' eyes fell on top of a baby sitting in a sandbox with his back to him.

"There he is!" Hobbes yelled.

"BABY!" Calvin screamed, zooming towards the baby.

He picked the baby out of the sandbox, and turned him around.

It wasn't Dana.

Calvin's first hint was that it was a boy.

His second hint was that a woman burst out the door, and screamed, "GET AWAY FROM MY TOMMY!"

Calvin stared at Tommy.

"Wrong baby." He said.

He set the baby down, and spun around.

Hobbes had disappeared.

WHAP!

Calvin suddenly became aware of a broom coming down on top of his head.

WHAP!

"HEY!" Calvin screamed, covering his head, and rushing off.

WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!

"OW! HEY! YEEK! HEY GET AWAY! YOU SHOULD BE _RIDING_ THAT THING INSTEAD OF SWINGING IT!"

Finally, Calvin made his way out the fence, and there, in the wagon, he found Hobbes. Staring at him with that blank stare on his face.

Calvin glared at him and rubbed the bumps on his head.

"When you're lucky, you don't _need_ to be smart." He grumbled to himself, climbing into the wagon after Hobbes.

* * *

Meanwhile, Dana was continuing to walk around the town, chasing her ball. 

It rolled across the street, and into Brown's General Store.

She crawled into it seconds before Calvin and Hobbes rode up in the wagon.

"She's in the store!" Calvin screamed, jabbing a finger at Brown's General Store.

"Oh boy!" Hobbes said, clapping his hands. "I can't wait to get the gummy worms!"

Dana's ball rolled down the emergency escape stairs, and out the emergency exit.

Dana followed.

Calvin and Hobbes exploded into the store, and Calvin screamed, "ALERT! ALERT! ALARM! ALARM! EXTREME CALAMITY! HAND OVER THE BABY AND NO ONE GETS HURT!"

Everyone stared at Calvin, as Hobbes started piling gummy worms in his arms.

Then they turned and went back to their shopping.

Calvin's eyes narrowed.

"So _that's_ how it's gonna be, huh?" He growled. "5...4...3...2...1... LAUNCH! BANZAI!"

He did some kind karate screech, and leaped right into the middle of the comic book stand.

It was immediately knocked over, and Calvin went flying into the hotdog stand in the corner.

The hotdog guy screamed, and rushed away and Calvin slammed into the cart, and rode it into the check out stand.

_**CRASH!**_

Calvin flew off the hot dog stand, and collided with the manager.

_**WHACK!**_

"OOF!"

The manager and Calvin both went flying backward into the wall.

_**CRASH!**_

"Darn." Hobbes sighed. "I guess I wont have time to pay for the gummy worms before we're kicked out."

Correct.

Calvin and Hobbes were kicked out of Brown's General Store.

"Drat." Calvin said.

"Well, she wasn't in there." Hobbes said, standing up, and brushing himself off.

"I've noticed."

"Time to check the MTM?"

"Time to check the MTM."

Calvin pulled the MTM out, and pulled out the holographic map.

The red dot marked DANA was moving again.

They stared at it.

The red dot was now passing through a strange formation.

"What's that?" asked Hobbes.

Calvin gulped.

"The zoo," he said.

Hobbes scowled.

"You mean jail," he growled.

"Oh, dry up. This is strictly a rescue mission. Won't take more than fifteen minutes."

"You promise?"

Calvin thought.

"Kind of."

Hobbes glared at him.

* * *

Dana had slipped past the gate already and was still following that ball. 

Boy, she loves that thing, doesn't she?

And how was it that thing kept rolling?

It wasn't easy, I'm sure.

Anyway, Calvin and Hobbes rode up to the security desk.

"How do we get past?" asked Hobbes. "We don't have enough money!"

"Time to use the MTM," said Calvin.

They pulled out the MTM and Calvin hit a button.

Instantly, Calvin, Hobbes and the wagon turned invisible.

They quietly snuck past and then carried on until they were behind a bush, and they came out again, now visible.

"Cloaking device?" asked Hobbes.

"Yeah."

"Oh."

Calvin and Hobbes looked around.

Calvin checked the map on the MTM.

The red dot was moving still.

"Okay, she's about one hundred and fifty feet away from us. Not much further now."

"Where is she?"

Calvin looked up and saw a sign that read JUNGLE LAND.

Calvin and Hobbes looked inside a dense yet fake jungle.

It looked pretty real though.

"Just promise me you won't slip into fantasy world while we're in there," said Hobbes.

Calvin and Hobbes entered.

First they went over a bridge made of logs.

Next they came to a wooden path that was raised above the grass and plants.

Monkeys sat in the trees. Snakes were drooped over branches.

Tigers roamed on the hills nearby the fence.

Hobbes glared at Calvin.

"Hey, if it were up to me, they'd be running free right now," Calvin said.

Next they came to where the road ended, and there was a bunch of wooden rafts held behind a chain.

A sign was up that said CLOSED FOR REPAIRS.

"So where's Dana now?" asked Hobbes.

Calvin pulled out the MTM again.

According to it, Dana was…

Calvin looked at the river.

Drifting on a loose log raft was…

"DANA!" he screamed.

Quickly, Calvin and Hobbes loaded the wagon onto one of the log rafts, and then Calvin pulled a pair of oars.

They shot after Dana.

But Dana and her ball were caught in a current.

It was a strong current.

And it soon caught Calvin and Hobbes too.

Uh-oh.

As they passed some hippos, they found themselves drifting towards a fork in the river.

And one direction had a sign that read RAPIDS.

Dana waved at Calvin and Hobbes, and then disappeared down the waterfall.

Calvin and Hobbes watched her.

Then they screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" they hollered.

They paddled after her.

When they got there, they found the water fall wasn't all that steep.

They went down about a foot, and then swerved to the side.

They then zigzagged down a couple more one foot waterfalls, and this caused the wagon to slide off the raft.

Hobbes saw that the MTM was in it, so he dove after it.

And he left Calvin by himself.

"Hey, get back here!" shouted Calvin.

But it was too late.

Suddenly, there were two separate waterfalls.

Dana disappeared down the one that went to the left.

Calvin swerved down the one that went to the right.

Hobbes followed Calvin.

Let's follow Dana first, shall we?

First, she fell down five waterfalls that were each about five inches steep, and then she went down one that dropped at about a one hundred eight degree angle, and then she reached the bottom and slowly drifted towards the other dock.

Now onto Calvin and Hobbes.

Calvin, who had the raft, and Hobbes, who had the wagon, both drifted along the rapids.

Then they both flew straight off a waterfall that was about twenty-five feet high.

They both disappeared under the water, and then they reemerged.

Hobbes looked slightly ill.

He checked the wagon and was relieved to find the MTM was okay.

Suddenly, they spotted a whirlpool up ahead.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Calvin.

"WHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAA!" screamed Hobbes.

They both spun around in circles for a couple of seconds, and then they were both tossed out of the whirlpool and tossed into another fork in the river.

Calvin went to the left and Hobbes went to the right.

Oh no.

* * *

Back at the house, Andy and Socrates were watching television. 

They had virtually forgotten about Calvin and Hobbes.

And they had completely forgotten that Sherman was still under a cup in Calvin's room.

While they were watching, the phone rang.

Andy answered.

"Hello?" he asked.

"Hello? Who is this?" asked a voice.

It was Calvin's mom!

"Oh, hello," said Andy. "This is Andy. I'm just sitting here watching TV with Socrates."

"Okay, well, how is Calvin doing with Dana?"

Andy's eyes shot open.

"Um, Dana's…?"

He glanced at Socrates, hoping for some help.

Socrates didn't reply.

Andy sighed.

"She's sleeping."

"Did she eat okay?" Mom asked.

Andy looked at the stains on his shirt.

"You could say that."

"Well, I want to talk to Calvin. Where is he?"

Andy gulped. "Um, he and Hobbes are, um, guarding Dana. You know, you never know what could happen to a child so young, so they're keeping her safe."

Mom sighed. "What did Calvin do, and how much is he paying you?"

"Uh, listen, where are you right now?" Andy asked nervously.

"I'm on my way home, but I'm stuck in traffic. I should be home in half an hour."

"Okay, well, everything's fine, ma'am. You can trust us."

And Andy hung up.

He stared at the TV.

"Okay, Calvin's mom is coming home. Should we be worried?"

"Nah," said Socrates. "Let's just call Calvin and warn him."

"Okay."

Andy picked up the phone and dialed Calvin's number.

* * *

Meanwhile, Calvin was bouncing off of tiny waterfalls. 

"Ooh! Aah! Oof! Ack! Ooh! Eee!" he said each time he hit a waterfall.

Then he spotted a drop just ahead.

"Initiating panic sequence………now!"

And Calvin tumbled over the edge.

"WHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" he screamed.

And then when he landed, he went over a second waterfall.

"AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHH!"

And then he went over a third waterfall.

"HHHOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBESSS!"

Okay, there are just more of these coming up.

Let's switch to Hobbes, huh?

If you think Hobbes got the better end of this, you are wrong.

Hobbes flew off of a cliff of water.

He held onto the MTM and the wagon handle for dear life.

"GOD SAVE MY LITTLE BROKEN BODY!" he hollered.

And then…

SPLOOSH!

Hobbes reemerged, soaked.

Then he came to seven waterfalls that didn't even qualify as waterfalls.

Waterfallettes, we could call them.

Each was about two inches tall, so he was able to regain control.

Soon, he came to a part that was shallow.

Hobbes climbed out of the wagon and pushed it back into deeper waters.

It was a pond in wetlands.

"Phew!" he gasped. "Glad that's over."

Just then there was a beeping noise coming from the MTM.

It was the phone.

Hobbes opened the MTM and spoke into the place where the CD would usually go.

"Talk to me?"

"Hobbes?" asked Andy.

"Oh, hey, Andy. How's it hangin?"

"Not bad, except that Calvin's mom is going to home in half an hour."

Hobbes shot up.

"WHAT?" he shouted.

"Well, no, it's more like fifteen minutes now. It took a long time to dial this number."

"Shoot."

"Look, Socrates and I will take care of it. Just hurry."

"Right. See ya in fifteen."

Hobbes closed the MTM, and then he opened the holographic map.

He saw the red dot.

"Eureka!" he cheered. "She's stopped moving!"

Indeed, now the red dot had come to a halt just in front of the opposite dock.

Hobbes shoved off towards the river…

…only to fly off another cliff of water!

"YIKES!"

Hobbes held on and dove into the water.

Hobbes, the MTM and the wagon reemerged.

Finally, he saw another waterfall just above him.

And then he heard a familiar scream.

"NOT AGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNN!"

Calvin and the log raft tumbled over the edge.

They bobbed back up to the surface.

"Calvin! Over here!" Hobbes shouted.

Calvin glanced up and saw Hobbes.

"Oh! Thank goodness!" said Calvin. "Hobbes, get over here!"

Hobbes paddled his way over, and then climbed aboard, and then hoisted the wagon and MTM back onto the raft.

"Dana should be at the next boat dock," said Hobbes. "And we've only got fifteen minutes."

So Calvin pulled out an outboard motor and turned it on.

They shot forward towards the dock.

And there she was.

Sitting there on her raft was Dana, who was rolling her ball around.

"Dana!" cried Calvin.

Calvin stopped the raft and grabbed his cousin and her ball.

"Dana, thank goodness!" he said, hugging her. Then he wagged her finger at her. "Don't you ever run away ever again, young lady!"

Hobbes chuckled.

"Come on, we only have ten more minutes before your mom gets home."

"Then let's hurry."

They revved up the motor and shot off.

* * *

Andy and Socrates were still watching television. 

Sherman was still in the bedroom, and he had just now managed to get the cup off of himself.

He glanced out the window.

Mom was pulling into the driveway.

Sherman quickly scurried off the dresser, down the hall, down the stairs and into the living room.

Not bad for a puny hamster, huh?

"Guys?" he asked.

"Not now! Jimmy, Carl and Sheen are turning green!" said Socrates.

"Well, I just thought I'd say that Calvin's mother is home, but sorry to interrupt," said Sherman.

Andy and Socrates' heads shot up.

"What!" they screamed.

Just then the door opened.

"Okay, act calm," said Socrates.

"Right," said Andy. "Nonchalant."

"Good word: nonchalant," said Socrates.

"Thanks."

Mom entered.

She saw Andy sitting in the chair with a stuffed tiger and a hamster.

"Andy, is Dana still asleep?"

"Uh, she might be," Andy guessed. "Calvin's watching her."

"Okay, I'll go up and see them."

She started to leave, but Andy got up.

"You know, Mrs. Calvin's Mom, you and I don't really know each other very well!" he said. "I come over here everyday, but it's very rare you ever see me."

"You come over here everyday?"

"Well, obviously not every day, but I am indeed friends with your son and his tiger!"

Mom sighed.

She liked that Calvin had a human friend, and Andy was a good kid, but she felt that Andy was suffering the same problem Calvin was.

Problem.

Whatever.

"Andy…"

"What did you buy at the store?"

"Food. What did Calvin do?"

"Oh, Calvin? Oh, he's fine! He's an innocent young lad!"

They stared at each other.

Socrates and Sherman were watching from the chair.

"You following any of this?" asked Socrates.

"Not a syllable," replied Sherman.

"So, how was your day?" Andy continued.

Mom went to say something, but then Andy spotted Calvin and Hobbes walking downstairs with Dana in Calvin's arms.

"Oh, what do you know! Here they come now!"

Calvin walked over to Mom with Dana.

"Phew!" he said. "This kid is heavy! Hard to believe. Every time we put food in her mouth, she spit it out again!"

Mom smiled.

"Well, Calvin. It looks like you boys did a good job. I'll take her upstairs and change her."

And Mom took Dana upstairs.

Andy sighed and glared at Socrates and Sherman.

"Thanks for helping, guys," he said through gritted teeth.

"No prob," said Socrates.

"Just ask," added Sherman.

"How'd you get Dana back?" asked Socrates.

"It wasn't easy," said Calvin. "There were gummy worms, and brooms, and rapids, and the MTM, and great deleted scene that involved a bus, but we don't have to go too far into that."

"Yeah," said Hobbes. "I am never gonna have kids."

"Me neither," said Calvin.

"So," said Sherman. "What were we doing before this started?"

"Uh, we were preparing for our water balloon attacks on Susie," said Andy.

"Then let's resume," said Hobbes.

And the five sort-of friends went upstairs.

It's a weird friendship they all have.

But they have it.

Dana eventually went home that afternoon.

Calvin declared her his favorite relative.

Mainly because she didn't live in his house.

And the next day, Calvin, Hobbes, Socrates, Andy and Sherman bombed Susie in ten gallons of water.

It was truly a magnificent day for the two loons and the kid.

**The End

* * *

**

**Voice work**

**Pamela Segall Adlon:** Calvin

**Tom Hanks:** Hobbes

**Ryan Stiles:** Socrates

**Andrew Lawrence:** Andy

**Colin Mochrie:** Sherman

**Bill Murray:** Dad

**Jennifer Love Hewitt: **Mom

**Daveigh Chase:** Dana

* * *

**Coming up next: **Gasping for Air 


	33. Gasping For Air

**Summary: **When Dad is going through his mid-life crisis, He forces Calvin and Hobbes to climb a high mountain with him. Where everything soon goes wrong.

* * *

_And now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series  
__Written by garfieldodie and Swing123_

**Gasping For Air**

Calvin and Hobbes were sitting in the kitchen having lunch.

Not much was going on.

They were munching apples and sandwiches and drinking Pepsi.

Fiddly dee.

Just then, Dad walked past. He was holding a mirror and looking himself over.

"Oh no!" he cried. "A gray hair!"

Then he looked again.

"Oh no! A wrinkle!"

Then he looked a third time.

"OH NO! A WRINKLED GRAY HAIR!"

And he ran to the bathroom.

Calvin and Hobbes sat there and watched him, and then resumed eating.

"Your dad seems upset," Hobbes commented.

"It'll build character," Calvin said.

Dad ran into the bathroom and ripped open the medicine cabinet over the sink.

He immediately started hurling bottles and cases out onto the floor.

Then he found a bottle.

"Maybe this hair dye will help," he pondered.

* * *

A little later, Calvin came in to use the bathroom. 

Dad was standing there, holding a brush in his hand, and his head was completely black.

Calvin stared at him.

Dad stared back at him.

Then Calvin reacted.

"HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!"

And he walked away laughing.

Dad scowled at the hair dye and threw it in the toilet.

He had to go around like that for a few days.

Calvin, Hobbes, Mom, Susie, Moe, Rosalyn, Miss Wormwood, Andy, Socrates and Sherman were all laughing at him.

Once the hair dye came out, Dad put on his helmet and started to pedal his bike.

It started out okay, but soon he was attacked by a mob of mad dogs.

They chased him off the road, and Dad plummeted downward until he crashed into a rock pile.

He spent the next half hour repairing the bike, and then he pedaled it home.

He was all banged up and bruised and had scrapes all over his body.

Dad took a hot bath and went to bed.

The next day he did this all over again.

Each day, after coming home from work, he'd do this.

Hobbes later commented on it.

"I don't think that helmet is on tight enough," he said as he watched Dad limp home one evening.

This time, Dad hadn't been able to repair the bike, and he'd had to carry it home in pieces.

And you know what else was crazy?

What he said when he came in: "Ahhhh, this is the life!"

Calvin didn't bother.

Mom just laughed at him.

While Dad was taking his bath, Calvin looked at the helmet.

"You've got to hand it to the guy who invented the bike helmet," he said. "It must've been hard to come up with a look that didn't look good on anybody."

Hobbes watched as Dad went to take a nap on the couch.

"How old is your dad?" he asked.

"Umm, I'm not sure," said Calvin. "I think he's around his…hmmmm……mid-forties, I'd guess. I mean, he's still got hair on his head, but it's starting to fade."

"Then that would explain it."

"What?"

"He's in his midlife crisis."

Calvin stared at him.

"What's that?" He asked.

"It means that he's going crazy over getting old, and he's desperate to appear young," Hobbes explained.

"Well, it sure as heck is entertaining," Calvin chuckled.

Then he checked his watch.

"Ooh, look! Captain Napalm is coming on!"

Calvin and Hobbes zipped over to the TV and turned it on.

They sat in the chair.

Dad was still sawing logs on the couch.

Half an hour later, Captain Napalm was over, and it was time for bed, and Calvin and Hobbes went upstairs.

But they left the TV on.

If they had just turned it off, then none of this would have happened.

But then again, if they hadn't, we wouldn't have a show here.

So the TV was now going into news time.

And about fifteen minutes into the program, Dad was starting to wake up.

"…and now we go into local news," said the news anchor. "Just a few miles outside of town, the mountain has just opened a new hiking trail. It takes a direct tour of the cliffs. It's a great chance for all the world's young hikers to climb it."

Dad's eyes lit up.

A mountain, huh?

"Oh, Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallvvvvvviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnn!" he sang.

* * *

And that's how Calvin found himself sitting in the back of the old beat up car next to Hobbes and Dad sitting up front, humming a happy little tune. 

Mom had disappeared the next morning after she overheard the plan.

"Why are we coming again?" asked Calvin.

"Because we're going to have fun!" Dad said. "We're going to climb to the top of that mountain!"

"What do we do when we get there?"

Dad blinked.

A beat skipped.

"Uh…we climb back down."

"What? No tram to carry us?"

"Calvin, relax. Think of all the character you'll be building."

"Character? Okay, stop the car. I want out. Character building has always been bad for this family."

"Calvin, you'll love it."

"Love it, huh? Love it like what? Love it like a vibrating chair, or love it like an ingrown toenail?"

Dad sighed and continued to drive.

Calvin leaned back in his seat with Hobbes and read a comic book.

Once they arrived at the mountain, Dad put on a pair of cleats.

Calvin put on a pair as well.

Hobbes didn't.

Guess why.

Dad approached the guy at the ticket booth.

"May I help you?" asked the ticket guy.

"I'd like two tickets for me and my son," Dad said.

"Tigers always get free rides," Hobbes whispered.

Calvin rolled his eyes.

"Tickets for what?" asked the ticket guy.

"Tickets to hike."

The ticket guy stared at him.

"You actually wanna hike?"

"Yep."

The ticket guy glanced at Calvin.

"Midlife crisis?" he asked.

"A-yup."

"Ah."

The ticket guy leaned closer to Dad.

"Listen, fella. Everyone grows up. We can't stay hyperactive forever."

Dad looked at Calvin, and then back at the ticket guy.

"Don't toy with me," he said.

Calvin scowled.

"Listen, buddy. Nobody has the ability to beat age. You can disguise it any way you can, but you can't deny it forever. So take my advice and go home."

Dad glared at the ticket guy.

"Just give us our tickets."

"Fine, but you can't hold me responsible for your death," said the ticket guy, who handed him two tickets.

Dad handed Calvin his ticket, and they all went up the mountain.

Hoo boy.

Dad marched far ahead of Calvin and Hobbes, who weren't going very fast.

Dad was admiring the landscape and yammering about the beauty of nature.

Calvin was shoving Hobbes up the slope because Hobbes was trying to go back.

"Keep going, Hobbes," Calvin said. "The sooner we get to the top, the sooner we can go home."

Hobbes stared at Calvin.

"It's a one hundred mile hike! There's no way we'll survive!"

"Come on!"

Calvin gently pushed Hobbes some more.

Dad looked back down as he climbed some more.

"Keep it up, Calvin!" he shouted. "We're getting closer with each step!"

And he looked forward again.

"Closer with each step to our death!" Hobbes hissed.

Calvin sighed.

They kept going.

And going and going and going.

And going and going and going and going and going.

And going.

Oy vey.

The path grew steeper as Calvin and Hobbes hiked up the mountain.

They could hardly keep up with Dad, who was rushing on ahead.

Dad was growing tired, but he wouldn't show it.

"Come on, Calvin! Feel the burn!" he shouted.

"I'll give you burn!" Calvin grunted.

He attempted to jump up and strangle Dad, but Hobbes held him back.

Calvin and Hobbes struggled up around the now twisting path. Hobbes glanced at the cliff just ahead that the path went along the side of.

It was about a fifty foot drop from that point.

Hobbes kicked a rock over the edge.

It fell for a long time.

Hobbes gulped.

Then he ran to catch up with Calvin.

And he kept his distance from the ledge.

Dad's walk was now a slow jog.

Then he started to run around the corners.

Calvin and Hobbes were trying hard to keep up, but it was growing difficult.

"Dad, slow down!" shouted Calvin.

"Yeah," gasped Hobbes. "We don't have as long legs as you."

But Dad climbed higher and higher.

Until he was out of sight.

When Calvin and Hobbes looked around one of the corners, Dad had vanished.

He had drawn ahead.

Calvin stared.

Hobbes stared.

Uh-oh.

Calvin and Hobbes continued to climb up.

They couldn't find Dad anywhere.

And now, Hobbes was on all fours.

"I don't think I can make it!" Hobbes groaned, his strength giving out at last. "This mountain is way too steep."

Calvin tried to help him up.

"Keep going!" Calvin urged him. "This mountain is the only thing standing between us and the Dad. Now come on. We can't let a little mountain stop us!"

"Why not?"

"Because Dad is the only one who can drive."

Hobbes managed to build a little more strength and climb up the mountain some more.

But now Calvin was losing energy, and it was growing more difficult to keep going.

Calvin then spotted some eagles staring down at him and Hobbes.

"Hobbes, try not to look dead, okay?"

"It'll be hard."

Now they had walked several miles, and still no sign of Dad.

Calvin and Hobbes kept going.

Man, they are determined!

Hobbes glanced over the edge of the mountain.

But they were so high up that they couldn't see the ground.

Suddenly, Calvin realized he couldn't see anything.

"Hobbes?" he called. "Where are you?"

Hobbes put a paw out and felt Calvin's spiky head.

"Right here," he said.

"Man, what's with the fog?"

"It's not fog," said Hobbes. "I think we're in a cloud!"

Calvin looked around.

"Why can't I sit on it?"

Hobbes sighed.

Calvin pulled out the MTM, and then he started to use the fan option to blow the cloud away.

"What now?" asked Hobbes.

"Well, since we now know how high up we are, we must now do something," said Calvin.

"What's that?"

"Scream."

"Good idea."

And they threw their heads back and screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

* * *

Dad had been getting ahead of Calvin. 

He didn't hear Calvin calling for him to slow down, and he continued going upward.

When he rounded the corner, he came to one of the cliffs.

He wiped some sweat from his brow, and walked up to it.

He looked over the edge, and sighed.

It didn't look too steep, but there was still a pretty far ways to go, if you fell.

He leaned over the side, and looked off over the edge.

He saw an eagle's nest on one of the rocks.

He leaned over farther to see it better.

His hand, which was propped against the railing, slipped.

"YAAAAAAAAAH!" Dad screamed, tumbling off the edge of the cliff.

Oops.

* * *

Calvin and Hobbes continued screaming. 

After thirty minutes of heavy duty wailing, they finally had to take a break so they could breath.

Calvin opened up the Main Menu on the MTM.

_NOW what do you want?_

Calvin clicked on the _tracking_ icon.

_Please type the name/occupation of the person your trying to locate._

Calvin typed in _DAD._

_...Please Wait..._

There was a moment of silence.

Then,

_Specified Persons located_

A 3-D map of the mountain started rolling itself out on the holographic screen.

A red dot marked DAD was blinking.

It was several miles below Calvin and Hobbes.

Calvin blinked.

"What the...?" He asked.

He turned to ask Hobbes what he thought about this.

Hobbes had disappeared.

Calvin grumbled to himself, then he started back down the mountain.

After twenty minutes of climbing downward, Calvin found Hobbes hiding behind a rock.

That wasn't surprising.

What _was_ was how long he had been there.

He had vanished twenty minutes ago.

Yet, five miles downward, he had been behind that rock for nineteen minutes.

How does he do that?

I have no idea. And neither did Calvin.

After Calvin finished screaming at Hobbes, he consulted the MTM.

According to the MTM, Dad was supposed to be right in front of them.

Calvin and Hobbes looked around.

Dad was nowhere in sight.

"What's wrong with this dumb thing?" Calvin asked.

He brought up a holographic arrow which would point in the direction of Dad.

It pointed in front of them.

Calvin and Hobbes' heads came down, and stared in the direction of the arrow.

The arrow was pointing right off a cliff.

There was a moment of silence.

"**_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!_**" Calvin and Hobbes screamed, running over to the cliff.

Calvin and Hobbes looked over the edge of the cliff, and saw... uh... a very steep area ending in sharp rocks, and...

Hoo boy.

"DAD!" Calvin screamed.

"This can't be good." Hobbes sighed, shaking his head.

"I'll say!" Calvin yelled. "Dad's the only one who knows how to drive!"

Calvin stared over the edge in thought.

Then, a big grin spread across his face.

Hobbes noticed.

_**ZOOOOM!**_

Calvin grabbed Hobbes' tail before he vanished.

"Hobbes," Calvin grinned. "Prepare for a rescue mission!"

"I'm not jumping off the cliff." Hobbes yelled. "You can't make me!"

"Hobbes, relax, I have everything under control. Now then."

Calvin dragged Hobbes towards the cliff.

Hobbes would have no part in this however.

It took Calvin fifteen minutes to drag him over to the cliff, and by that time, he was covered in cuts and scratches.

By that time, they were both screaming their heads off, about all the injustices in the world.

Holding Hobbes' tail in one hand, and the MTM in the other, Calvin proceeded to shove Hobbes off the cliff.

Well, Hobbes would have none of that.

He roared, and screamed, and threw handfuls of claws into Calvin's face, hissed, and growled.

Finally, Hobbes lost his grip, and he fell off the edge.

"AAAAAAA!" He screamed.

After Hobbes was down, Calvin wiped some sweat from his brow, sighed, then he leaped off the cliff, too.

"AAAAAAAA!" Hobbes screamed, covering his eyes, and curling up into a ball.

Calvin held up the MTM at arm's length, and pushed a button.

_**FOOM!**_

There was a loud sound, and a cardboard box exploded out of the tip of the MTM.

Calvin leaped into the box, activated the rockets, and then caught Hobbes.

Hobbes glared at Calvin.

"_Why_ didn't you take out the box, _first!_" He screamed.

"Two reasons." Calvin said. "Number one. It was cooler that way. Number two. You'd never have gone with me in the box."

Hobbes stared at him in disbelief.

Then, Calvin turned back to the controls.

"OK, now then, we need to find Dad."

Calvin stuck the MTM into a slot in the box, and a picture of Dad came up on a little screen.

The box immediately turned, and head back for the cliff.

The box flew downward towards the ground.

It came to some soft moss, and then, started flying into a thickly wooded area.

"Not going in there!" Hobbes yelled.

Hobbes leaped out of the box, but Calvin grabbed him.

"GET BACK HERE!"

Calvin, Hobbes, and the box all toppled over, and Calvin and Hobbes started fighting.

Finally, after fifteen minutes of Hobbes biting Calvin, They both agreed to a truce, and went into the woods.

How did Calvin convice Hobbes to go into the woods?

I have no idea.

The box wove back and forth along the trees.

"What are we doing now?" asked Hobbes.

"We're looking for Dad, of course!" said Calvin. "The MTM said he fell off the cliff, so all we need to do now is find where he landed."

Hobbes gulped.

Then they saw something dangling from a cliff.

It looked like…

"DAD!" Calvin screamed.

Dad was dangling from a branch that was stuck out of the cliff wall and was looking very dizzy.

"Should we put him in the box?" asked Hobbes.

"There's not enough room for him," Calvin replied. "Here. Take the tape measurer."

Hobbes hooked up a tape measurer to Dad's belt loop.

Then Calvin flew up the mountain side.

Hobbes let the measurer extend.

Once they reached the top, he announced to Calvin.

"Ten feet," he said. "Now may I ask what the point of that was?"

Calvin ignored him and took out the MTM again.

He pressed an option on the holographic menu, and then a sentence came up.

_How long?_

Hobbes stared at it.

Calvin typed in the number ten.

Just then, a rope shot out of the front of the MTM.

"There we go," he said. "Now it's time for my cowboy routine."

Calvin tied the rope into a lasso, and then he tossed it down the cliff.

It drooped around Dad's waist, and then Calvin got a firm grip.

With the rope still attached to the MTM, Calvin and Hobbes held onto it, and the rope reeled in, and it pulled Dad up in the process.

It was a slow process.

Calvin discovered that he had loads of patience.

Which is weird.

It took about ten minutes to get Dad back up.

That meant about a foot per minute, in case you're not doing the math.

But when he finally made it to the top, Calvin and Hobbes helped him up over the cliff.

"Phew!" said Calvin. "Thank goodness."

Calvin reached into Dad's pockets and pulled out something.

"He didn't loose the car keys."

Hobbes took Dad's canteen off of his belt and squirted Dad with water.

Dad coughed and sputtered.

"COUGH! COUGH! Oh…," he moaned. "Where am I?"

"On the cliff, Dad," said Calvin. "You fell off, and Hobbes and I had to pull you back up."

Dad looked at the rope around his waist.

"Phew!" he said. "Thanks, Calvin."

Calvin then smacked Dad over the back of the head.

"OW!" Dad yelled. "What was that for!"

"For doing what you did!" Calvin said. "What the heck were you thinking?"

"I was trying to see an eagle's nest," Dad said.

Calvin stared.

"Dad, we got like sixty of those on Sneer Hill. Once you've seen one, you've seen them all."

Dad sighed.

"Calvin, I'm sorry I dragged up this mountain."

"Well, technically, you didn't drag us up. You basically just left us behind in your dust. But please. Continue with admitting you were wrong."

Dad glared at him.

"I…was…wrong!" he snarled.

"Good enough for us. Come on, Dad. Take us home."

Dad sighed and got up and they hiked back down the mountain.

That evening, Calvin, Hobbes and Dad limped back home.

Calvin felt like he was going to fall over.

Hobbes had a hard time focusing on hard objects.

Mom was there fixing supper.

She looked great.

She walked over to them with a big cheerful voice.

"I had a great day today!" she said. "I went to the spa. How about you boys?"

Three bleak exhausted faces turned to look at her.

Then they all uttered the same word.

"Jerk," they hissed.

And Dad went for a shower.

Calvin and Hobbes went upstairs.

"Oy," Calvin moaned. "I ache in places I never knew did anything!"

"It hurts me to breathe," Hobbes groaned.

There was a brief pause.

Finally, Calvin spoke.

"You know what the sad part is?" he asked.

"No. What?" Hobbes asked.

"Dad is still gonna take that bike ride tomorrow."

Calvin and Hobbes sighed and drifted off to sleep.

Heck knows they would never do that again.

Even if they lived to be forty.

**The End

* * *

**

**Voice Work:**

**Pamela Segall Adlon:** Calvin

**Tom Hanks:** Hobbes

**Bill Murray:** Dad

**Jennifer Love Hewitt: **Mom

**George Clooney:** TV Announcer / Ticket Guy

* * *

**Coming up Next: **_The _Calvin and Hobbes: The Series_ Season Finale! _The Case of the Rouge Water Balloon 


	34. The Case of the Rogue Water Balloon

**Summary: **When Calvin is framed for water balloon attacks on Susie, Tracer Bullet and Tiger Eye open up a full scale investigation.

* * *

_And now the Calvin and Hobbes: The Series SEASON FINALE  
__Written by Swing123 and garfieldodie_

**The Case of the Rouge Water Balloons**

It was July.

Calvin and Hobbes were attending a G.R.O.S.S. meeting.

"Today is a very special day for G.R.O.S.S., Hobbes." Dictator for Life Calvin announced.

"How so?" Asked President and First Tiger Hobbes.

"Today is special for two reasons." Calvin said. "One reason is because of our anniversary. Two whole years of G.R.O.S.S.nes. And the second reason is because today will be the one millionth water balloon attack on Susie."

"The one millionth time you've failed at a water balloon attack." Hobbes muttered.

"What?"

"I said, Dinosaurs lived a million years ago, but McDonald's still fail to make water balloon Big Macs."

There was a long moment of silence.

"Oh. Yes of course."

Calvin turned away, placed a hand on his forehead, and shook his head.

"Hobbes?" he asked. "Have you ever felt that you might be going insane?"

"Not really."

"That's because it's already happened." Calvin said. "What I said had nothing to do with Dinosaurs or McDonald's."

"Really?" Hobbes asked. "What did you say?"

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT I SAID!" Calvin yelled. "YOU HAVE ME SO SCRAMBLED UP I DON'T KNOW IF I'M COMING OR GOING! I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!"

"I love scrambled eggs."

"Shut up, and let me think."

It took Calvin three minutes to remember what they were talking about.

"OK, now I remember. We were about to plan our one millionth water balloon attack on Susie. Are you ready for action?"

"Nope."

"WHAT!"

"I said, Oh joy. Wonder. Uncontrollable excitement."

Calvin rolled his eyes, and then grabbed a bag of water balloons that were laying in the corner.

"Alright. Let's go fill these up."

Calvin and Hobbes climbed out of the tree house, and rushed over to the faucet on the side of the house.

Calvin attached one of the water balloons to it, and started to fill it up.

Calvin looked behind his shoulder to see that Hobbes had vanished, the little weenie.

Calvin grumbled to himself, and proceeded to tie the balloon up.

Then, he walked over to Susie's house.

Susie was playing in her yard, completely oblivious to the danger around her.

He was fifteen yards away from Susie's house, when there was a **_SPLOOSH_** and Susie screamed.

"AAAAA CALVIN! I'M TELLING!"

HUH?

Calvin's mouth dropped open, as he watched Susie rush into the house, sopping wet.

He looked down at the water balloon in his hand.

What the...

At that very moment, Mom burst out Calvin's door and stormed over to him.

"CALVIN!" She screamed. "SUSIE'S MOM JUST CALLED! She said you just threw a water balloon in Susie's face!"

Calvin was still shocked at what had happened.

"Wait! Wait! I didn't do it! I was going to... but that wasn't me!"

"Then why are you holding another balloon?" Mom demanded.

Calvin's eyes went to the water balloon in his hand.

"Uh... adds to the, uh, drama?"

The next thing Calvin knew he was in his room.

Hobbes was already there, reading a comic book.

"Hobbes!" Calvin said, leaping up. "Something really weird happened."

"Your kidding?" Hobbes asked, not taking an eye off his comic book.

"Someone _other than me_ threw a water balloon at Susie! I'm outraged!"

"I'll say."

"I DEMAND A LAWYER! I DEMAND A PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH! I DEMAND JUDGE JUDY!"

Hobbes blinked, still not taking his eye off his comic book.

"And by the way, Hobbes!" Calvin spat. "Where were _you_ when I was being blamed for everything that went wrong in the history of man kind!"

"Here."

"You're unbelievable!" Calvin yelled. "Every time we have an important mission to attend to, you just seem to vanish into thin air! _EVERY SINGLE TIME!_"

"Yep." Hobbes said, turning the page. "That running takes it out of ya."

Calvin glared at him.

"We need to open up a full scale investigation!"

"Uh huh."

Calvin walked up to his MTM, and opened up a list of "suspects"

**Suspects for totally ridiculous crime**

1. Socrates

2. Sherman J. Hamster

3. Moe

Hobbes walked up, and studied the list.

"What's this?" He asked.

"List of suspects." Calvin said. "We're opening up a full scale investigation!"

"Uh _huh._" Hobbes said. "We don't seem to have very many suspects.

"Well, there's only _one_ culprit, Hobbes. It doesn't matter how many suspect we have, all that matters is that we have them."

Calvin then grabbed a brown hat, and said in a tough voice.

"Let's go, Tiger Eye. We need to find clues."

Tracer Bullet looked behind him.

Tiger Eye had vanished.

"GET OVER HERE!" Tracer screamed.

Tiger Eye emerged from the closet, and walked back to Tracer.

"Come!" Tracer yelled. "Let's go investigate the scene of the crime! Then, we'll interview our suspects."

Tracer and Tiger Eye ran out the door.

The first place they stopped was the sidewalk.

Calvin studied it.

And found nothing of any particular interest.

"OK." Tracer said, standing up. "The villain has covered up his tracks! The clever rogue!"

"Calvin, you were the one on the sidewalk." Tiger Eye said. "The suspect couldn't have done it from here."

"Oh yeah." Calvin considered. "Didn't think of that. TO THE BUSHES!"

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

Calvin and Hobbes rushed to the bushes, and Calvin quickly turned back to Tracer Bullet.

"Tiger Eye, hand me my magnifying glass."

"We don't have a magnifying glass." Tiger Eye said.

Tracer stood up.

"Hobbes, what kind of detective doesn't have a magnifying glass?" Calvin demanded.

"I don't know." Hobbes shrugged.

"A dumb one!" Calvin shot back. "There is no smart detective on Earth that doesn't have a magnifying glass!"

"I guess that fits."

"Right! Now give me my magnifying glass!"

"We don't have one."

Calvin stared at him.

"Hobbes, you're useless. And I'm afraid this will have to go into my report."

"Fine with me."

"WHAT!"

"I said, Oh darn."

"I'm sorry, but I am forced to throw the book at you."

"You couldn't help it."

"Thanks."

"Your welcome."

There was a moment of silence.

Calvin blinked, several times.

"Uh... what is the point of this conversation?"

"You threw a book at me." Hobbes replied.

"I did?" Calvin asked. "I don't remember doing that."

"Neither do I."

"Then how do you know I did?"

"You said you did."

"I did no such thing!"

"You did too. I heard you with my own ears!"

"Hobbes! I didn't throw any books at you!"

"Why did you say you did?" Hobbes demanded.

"I DIDN'T!" Calvin screamed. "AND IF YOU SAY ONE MORE WORD, I'LL THROW AN ENCYCLOPEDIA AT YOU!"

"Okay."

Calvin's eyes narrowed.

"You just said one more word."

"I did?"

"Yes, you did! You said 'Okay'. For your information, okay is a word."

"I thought okay was only two letters."

"No! It's one word! And I forbid you to say one more word!"

"OK."

"That's better."

Calvin looked around.

"Why are we in the bushes?" he asked.

"Beats me. I was happy in bed." Hobbes said.

"Huh." Calvin said, scratching his head. "I could have sworn we were here on a very important mission..."

"I'm drawing a blank." Hobbes said.

Calvin thought for a while

"NOW I remember!" he said, snapping his fingers. "We were here on The Case of the Rogue Water Balloon."

"Oh yeah."

"Let's get out of these bushes, and go into Susie's yard."

"But there's a fence in the way." Hobbes said.

"Right. Jump the fence. The fence doesn't matter, Hobbes. Now let's go."

Calvin stood out of the bushes, and proceeded to climb over the fence.

When he was over, he called, "OK, Hobbes, I'm over! Now you jump it!"

Hobbes coiled his legs, leaped over the fence and...

_**CRASH!**_

Landed right in the middle of Calvin, the little dunce.

Calvin shook Hobbes off, and screamed, "DON'T LAND ON ME, BONEHEAD!"

"Well, you were in my way." Hobbes said.

"It's my world, Hobbes! And I'll stand wherever I want! We have an entire planet, here, and you're welcome to land anywhere on it, but my head! Got it!"

"OK."

"Good."

Calvin turned back to Susie's yard.

"OK, let's go examine the scene of the crime!"

Tracer and Tiger Eye rushed over to the fragments of a blue water balloon in the grass.

Tracer took out a Ziplock bag, and started putting the fragments inside.

Tiger Eye waited.

"OK." Tracer said, holding the bag up. "Here's the evidence. Who do we know have blue water balloons?"

"Calvin, water balloons come in several different colors." Tiger Eye said.

"Shut up. The last time, he attacked _me_, Socrates was the one with the blue water balloon! WE HAVE OUR CULPRIT!"

"Calvin..."

Too late.

Calvin was already rushing off for Socrates' mansion on the other side of town.

Hobbes sighed, and followed.

* * *

Socrates was reclining on his bed when he heard a knock on the door downstairs. 

"Somebody get that!" he shouted.

But then he remembered that no one was home.

And he didn't have a butler.

Strange.

Here he was with all that money, and no servants.

Sad life he lives.

Socrates sighed and made that long walk…

…to the elevator.

Once the elevator reached the bottom, he opened it.

Calvin was standing at his door wearing a trench coat and hat, and he also had bag in his hand filled with a broken balloon.

"Oh, hey, Calvin," Socrates said. "What's up?"

"THAT'S TRACER BULLET TO YOU! AND NO USE BEGGING FOR MERCY, CRATESO!" Calvin yelled. "I'M ON TO YOU!"

Socrates sighed.

"Okay, what did I do now?" he asked.

"You threw a water balloon at Susie and I got blamed for it."

Socrates stared.

"Wait, what happened to the catapult?" he asked.

Calvin stared at him.

"What catapult?" he asked.

Suddenly, off in the distance, there was a loud BOOM!

Calvin and Socrates watched in surprise as suddenly, Hobbes came soaring through the air, screaming his lungs out.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEE!" he shrieked.

And he landed in the swimming pool in Socrates' back yard.

SPLASH!

"Oh…that catapult," said Calvin. "Well, criminal, make yourself useful, and help me get Tiger Eye out of the pool."

"Sure."

Calvin and Socrates saw Hobbes swimming towards the edge of the pool.

"Sorry, Hobbo," said Socrates, pulling him out. "That one was meant for Calvin."

Hobbes glared at Socrates and went to dry off.

"Anyway, Socrates," Calvin said. "What do you make of this?"

Calvin shoved the Ziploc bag in Socrates' face.

Socrates observed the contents.

"Hmmm," he said. "What's this?"

"Water balloon fragments that were found in Susie Derkin's backyard this afternoon, only fifteen minutes after she was attacked. They're the same color as the balloon you threw at me just last week."

Socrates stared at Calvin.

"What kind of logic is that?" he asked.

"Good logic," Calvin replied. "Now fess up. You framed me."

Socrates pondered.

"Gee, Mr Bullet," he said. "That does sound like something I would do, but today, I was hanging out in my room all day planning pranks."

Calvin scoffed.

"A likely story," he snorted. "Do you have any proof?"

"Sure. Come with me."

Socrates led an unsure Calvin into the mansion.

Socrates took him through a giant wooden door.

Odd. You usually don't see wood on a mansion door.

Calvin and Socrates approached a wall of security monitors.

Socrates pointed at the one of his room, and then he pressed the rewind button under the screen.

It rewound all the way through the day.

Calvin saw Socrates napping, reading, dancing, and sit at his desk planning out pranks.

But never once did he leave the room.

In fact, it go so boring that Calvin glanced at another wall of video screens, and then he saw something strange.

"Huh," said Calvin. "I could've sworn…"

"Its okay, Calvin," said Socrates. "If I had been you, I would've suspected me too."

Calvin hadn't been planning to apologize, but he figured he'd best not say.

"Thanks, citizen. Well, Tiger Eye, let's get going. We have to move on to the next susp…"

Calvin and Socrates then realized that Hobbes wasn't there.

"Tiger Eye?" shouted Calvin.

"Hobbo?" called Socrates.

As they were leaving the mansion, they heard a loud noise come from down the street.

KASPLOOSH!

"CALVIN! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"It's the Derkins Dame!" Calvin shouted. "The criminal has struck again!"

"Yeah," said Socrates. "But where's Hobbes?"

Just then, coming from a different direction, Hobbes came running up.

"Oh, hey guys!" he shouted. "I was heading home to get that magnifying glass, but then I heard Susie, so I figured I'd better come back here."

"Good thing you did," said Calvin. "Let's get going."

They said their goodbyes and apologizes to Socrates.

And Hobbes threatened to kill him if he ever had to fly again because of him.

"Okay," said Tracer. "Next on the list is Sherman J Hamster."

"Why Sherman?" asked Tiger Eye.

"Because he doesn't like either of us, and he'd like to see us get in trouble."

"Hmmm," said Tiger Eye. "That one actually makes sense. Let's go."

* * *

A bit later, Tracer and Tiger Eye approached a with a fancy satellite dish on top of it. 

Only it didn't wasn't exactly a satellite dish. It was more like a radar.

Anyway, Tracer knocked on the door.

Andy answered.

"Oh, hey Calvin," he said. "Hey, Hobbes."

"Enough small talk, kid," said Calvin.

"Calvin, I'm older than you."

"Whatever. We need to ask a certain rat a question."

"Sure. He's in the kitchen."

Andy led Calvin and Hobbes into his kitchen, and there on the counter top was Sherman, eating some pellets and watching C-SPAN.

What did you expect?

Calvin and Hobbes approached the genius hamster.

Sherman glanced over his shoulder.

Then he resumed his program.

"Calvin," he said.

"Sherman."

"Hobbes."

"Vermin."

There was a pause.

"A-hem!" said Andy.

"Andy," they all said.

"Thank you."

"Sherman," said Calvin. "The name's Tracer Bullet. This is my assistant, Tiger Eye. We are investigating a perilous crime, and you are a suspect."

"And the crime was…?" Sherman asked, still not taking his eyes off the TV.

"Susie was just creamed by water balloons. Twice. And I've been framed for it. I've already ruled out Socrates because he had video evidence, and Andy is a goody-goody, so it wasn't him either."

"I take offense to that," said Andy, who was going to the fridge.

Calvin turned back to Sherman.

"So that leaves you. Mainly because you hate me."

"Indeed I do," said Sherman.

"So that would motivate you to go and frame me for a crime I didn't do: THROWING A WATer balloon at Su…,"

It was then that Calvin actually went back through that sentence and figured out what was wrong with it.

"Uh…"

Sherman rolled his eyes.

"I think you've made a big enough idiot of yourself. Please leave me be. I'm trying to watch my show."

Calvin and Andy glanced at the screen.

"…Mr Hagle…Mr Harkin…Mr Hatch…"

A man was reading off a list of names on a show called ROLL CALL VOTE.

And Sherman was enjoying apparently.

"I've seen the ending to this one," said Andy. "It's Whiten from Oregon."

"Oh, thanks a lot, Andy," Calvin said. "I had it Tivoed at home."

Sherman ignored their sarcasm.

"So…," said Calvin. "We can check Sherman off the suspect list. It clearly wasn't him."

"Who does that leave you with?" asked Andy.

Calvin pulled out the piece of paper.

"Moe."

"Figures."

Calvin gulped.

"Okay, Tiger Eye, let's go."

But when Calvin turned around, Hobbes wasn't there.

"Guys? Did Hobbes come in with me?"

"He called me Vermin, so, yeah, he did," said Sherman.

Just then, there was a noise outside.

SPLOOSH!

Calvin, Andy and Sherman looked out the window.

"AGAIN!" Susie shouted, dripping wet. "CALVIN, I AM SO GONNA GET YOU!"

And she ran off, leaving a trail of water behind.

And wouldn't you know it, right at that moment, Hobbes came downstairs.

"Hey, you guys got at least five remotes for your TV up there," he said. "Don't you ever get them mixed up?"

"Forget that, Tiger Eye!" said Calvin. "The perpetrator has just struck again! And we have our culprit: Moe!"

"Figures."

"My word exactly," said Andy.

Calvin and Hobbes ran outside and left.

* * *

Moe's house wasn't far away, so Tracer and Tiger Eye made it there in about five minutes on foot. 

"Okay, Tiger Eye," Tracer whispered. "Here's the plan. I'll kick the door open, and you jump in and secure the place."

"Whatever you say, Mr Bullet," Tiger Eye muttered.

Tracer took a karate stance.

Then he jumped up and kicked the door.

BAM!

"OW!"

Tracer jumped up and down, holding his sore foot.

Tiger Eye watched with amusement.

"Okay, on second thought," Tracer said, "let's knock on the door."

Tracer knocked on Moe's door.

"Okay," said Tracer. "Get ready, Tiger Eye. This guy is a tough guy, and when provoked he can be—"

It was at that moment that Tracer turned around and noticed that Tiger Eye had vanished again.

"One of these days…," he muttered.

Just then, Moe answered.

"What do you want, Twinky?" he demanded. "I'm not supposed to deal with you during summer."

Calvin glared at Moe.

"That's Tracer Bullet, to you," he said. "And I'm here investigating a case: Susie was bombed by three water balloons today, and it wasn't me. You're the only suspect left, so that means that it was you. I'm afraid that I'm going to have to run you for questioning."

Moe stared at him.

"Huh?"

Calvin ignored him.

"Okay, first question: do you admit to it?"

"I DIDN'T DO IT!" Moe shouted angrily.

Calvin was nearly blown off his feet.

"Do you have anything to back up that statement?" Calvin asked, without losing his cool.

WHAM!

Calvin went sailing through the air the second that Moe's fist came in contact with his nose.

Calvin crash-landed just as a noise was heard.

SPLASH!

"CALVIN!" a now-soaked-again Susie shouted.

"Again!" Calvin shouted.

And then he realized that, in this case, Moe was innocent!

"But…but…but…if none of my suspects were the balloon-throwers, then who…?"

Then Calvin thought for a second.

Every time that Susie was pelted by another water balloon, Hobbes had disappeared.

Then Calvin's eyes grew wide with shock and anger.

"HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBBBBEESSSS!" he shouted.

Everyone in town heard it.

Susie heard it.

Mom and Dad heard it.

Moe heard it.

Andy and Sherman heard it.

Even Socrates heard it in his mansion across town.

And Hobbes heard it as well…

…as he was filling up a water balloon at the faucet.

"Uh-oh," he muttered.

Just then, a hurricane of fury stomped up behind him.

Calvin, now out of his Tracer Bullet outfit, was standing there, growling at him.

"So…what's my best friend doing?" he grumbled.

Hobbes gulped and hid the water balloon.

"I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about," he said nervously.

"What's behind your back?"

"Umm…"

"Show me your paws."

Hobbes held forth two empty paws.

"Show me your tail."

Hobbes stared.

"Why should I—?"

"SHOW ME!"

Hobbes jumped, and his tail shot out.

A yellow balloon filled with water was in it.

"IT…WAS…YOU!" Calvin shouted. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU! MY OWN BEST FRIEND WENT AND GOT ME FRAMED! YOU TRAITOR! BENEDICT HOBBES! I'LL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN!"

Hobbes backed away.

"Uh…Calvin?"

"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME! I WELCOME YOU INTO MY HOME! I LET YOU EAT MY TUNA! I LET YOU POUNCE ME AND ATTACK ME! I LET YOU BE FRIENDS WITH SOCRATES! I EVEN LET YOU BE PRESIDENT OF G.R.O.S.S! AND YET…YOU DO THIS! YOU'RE LUCKY I DON'T THROW YOU OUT ON YOUR FURRY BUTT ON THE SIDEWALK FOR THIS!"

"Okay, calm down," said Hobbes.

"YOU KNOW WHAT? EVER SINCE I LET YOU INTO MY HOUSE, YOU'VE GIVEN ME NOTHING BUT TROUBLE! I USED TO HAVE A NORMAL LIFE! BUT NOW MY LIFE IS COMPLETELY TOPSY-TURVY, FILLED WITH POUNCES, FIGHTS, CUTS AND BETRAYALS!"

"Take it easy."

"BUT THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE! YOU DELIBERATLY TRIED TO GET ME INTO TROUBLE! I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND! BUT I WAS WRONG! YOU'VE CROSSED THE LINE, STRIPES!"

By this time, Socrates, Andy and Sherman had come to see what all the yelling was about. They were staring with wide eyes and gaping mouths as Calvin continued to shout and holler and scream at Hobbes.

"YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE, HOBBES!" Calvin snarled. "I AM GOING TO TEACH YOU A LESSON YOU'LL NEVER REMEMBER: NEVER BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU!"

Hobbes closed his eyes and prepared for the worst.

He didn't see it coming.

He only heard Socrates say, "What th—?" and then that was it.

Suddenly, he felt something cold hit his face.

SPLASH!

Then he felt something just as cold hit his stomach.

SPLOOSH!

Then three more hit his shoulders and his face again.

KERSPLASH! SPLAT! SPLASH!

Then Hobbes realized he was soaking wet.

And then he heard four people laughing at him.

Hobbes opened his eyes.

Calvin, Socrates, Andy and Sherman were all rolling around on the grass, laughing at him.

Wait, what?

Hobbes looked at himself.

Fragments of water balloons lay at his feet.

"Uh…Calvin?" Hobbes asked.

"Yes, Hobbes?" Calvin asked, finally calming down.

"Are you mad at me?"

"Of course not!" Calvin said.

"But…but…but…how did you get those water balloons?"

"Socrates and Andy brought them. Sherman just wanted to laugh at you."

Hobbes stared.

Socrates, Andy and Sherman laughed some more before standing up.

"But how did they know to throw them at me if you didn't know I'd thrown those balloons at Susie until just a minute ago?"

"Well, thanks to Socrates and his security cameras, I noticed that you were holding a water balloon outside the mansion, and that tipped me off, and so we had time to prepare."

Hobbes stared at Socrates.

"You have a security camera in our room?" he asked.

Socrates just started laughing hysterically again.

"Come on, Hobbes," said Calvin. "Let's get you in the dryer."

Calvin led Hobbes into the house.

Socrates went back to his mansion.

Andy and Sherman went back to their house.

Later on, Hobbes found the security camera in his bedroom, and he disabled it, much to Calvin's amusement and Socrates' great disappointment.

Also, this story does have a happy ending.

Andy had spoken to Calvin's mom about how during some of the attacks on Susie, he had been with Calvin, and he'd been innocent

Mom trusts Andy, so she let Calvin off the hook.

They never figured out that it was Hobbes.

But Calvin got back at Hobbes.

During breakfast, he hid Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs in Hobbes' tuna, and you can imagine that Hobbes was fit to be when he found out.

It was worth it to Calvin.

But Calvin and Hobbes were still best friends, and that would never change.

No matter how much one ticked the other off.

**The End**

**Voice Work:**

**Pamela Segall** **Adlon:** Calvin

**Tom Hanks:** Hobbes / Tiger Eye

**Bill Murray:** Tracer Bullet

**Jennifer Love Hewitt:** Mom

**Dakota Fanning:** Susie Derkins

**Elizabeth Daily:** Moe

**Ryan Stiles:** Socrates

**Andrew Lawrence:** Andy

**Colin Mochrie:** Sherman

* * *

**Coming up next:** The third Calvin and Hobbes TV movie, **TIME TERROR** (Please see Calvin & Hobbes: The Series SEASON TWO) 


	35. End of Season Bonus

**End of Season Bonus**

* * *

**Season One**

* * *

**Television Commercials**

**Geico**

_(Shows Calvin and Hobbes in the tree house dressed up as pirates)_

_Calvin: ARGH! Land hoe! Throw out the anchor!_

_Hobbes: We don't have an anchor._

_(Calvin blinked)_

_Calvin: ARGH! There be a man here who destroyed me anchor! Sniff out the culprit 'n' make 'em walk the plank!_

_Hobbes: We don't have a plank._

_Calvin: There be mutiny on me ship! This really bad news, matey!_

_Hobbes: uh-huh_

_Calvin: However, there be some good news!_

_Hobbes: And what might that be?_

_Calvin: I just saved a ton of money on me car insurance by switching to Geico!_

_(There was a long moment of silence. Hobbes stared at Calvin)_

_Hobbes: Is this some kind of pathetic attempt at humor?_

_(Calvin blinked)_

_(Geico logo comes up)_

_Narrator: Geico. Fifteen minutes can save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance._

**Netflix**

_(Some guy walks into his house, and finds it trashed)_

_Some Guy: Hey! What's going on here?_

_(Calvin walks into the livingroom, licking an ice creme)_

_Calvin: I'm the Calvin and Hobbes Movie you ordered. You have a great taste in ice creme, I might add._

_Some guy: That's good, you're here. But where's that romantic comedy my wife ordered?_

_(Calvin and Some Guy stared at the immense clutter on the floor)_

_Calvin: They were here a minute ago. They have to in there, someplace. Well have fun looking for them._

_(Calvin starts out of the room)_

_Some Guy: Where do you think YOU'RE going!_

_Calvin: I haven't seen your bedroom yet._

_(Calvin walks out, and Hobbes rushes in, nearly insane with happiness)_

_Hobbes: Where did you get all that salmon!_

_Some Guy: SIGH._

_Narrator: Netflix. Your unlimited selection to the best hit movies. Starting under thirteen dollars a month._

* * *

**DVD Trailers**

_Jazzy music starts to play._

_Shot of Calvin and Hobbes swinging through trees._

_**Narrator:**__ The world of Calvin & Hobbes is now available for your own enjoyment._

_**Mr. Spittle:**__ Calvin, why don't you do the reports assigned to you?_

_**Calvin:**__Because, Mr. Spitty._

_**Narrator:**__ America's favorite kid and tiger are now available to own on video and DVD._

_Shot of Calvin and Hobbes race through JC Penny's._

_Shot of Calvin running through his school._

_Shot of Hobbes pouncing Calvin._

_Shot of Calvin and Hobbes beating each other up in Dad's office._

_Shot of Calvin and Hobbes eating cookies and watching television._

_**Narrator:**__Watch them take on bad weather…_

_A twister heads for Calvin and Hobbes._

_**Calvin:**__ Help. Cry for help._

_**Narrator:**__ …talk to a doctor…_

_**Dr Sam:**__ First, what is your name?_

_**Calvin:**__ Calvin the Bold._

_**Dr Sam:**__ How old are you?_

_**Calvin:**__ 27, and my voice hasn't changed yet._

_**Dr Sam:**__ Uuuhh-huuuuh._

_**Narrator**__: …try to break a record…_

_**Calvin:**__ When I make eleven thousand marbles, I'll have the prize money._

_**Hobbes:**__ They give away prize money?_

_**Narrator:**__ …and escape from his school._

_**Hobbes:**__ You're supposed to be at school…or is the calendar wrong?_

_**Calvin:**__ I am at school._

_Hobbes: They sure let the kids off early these days._

_Shot of Calvin and Hobbes on the roof with wind blowing._

_Shot of Calvin ripping apart Dr Sam's office._

_Shot of Hobbes eating a tuna fish sandwich._

_Shot of Calvin and Hobbes in a helicopter._

_Shot of Calvin and Hobbes watching television._

_Narrator: Calvin & Hobbes the Series: Classic Calvin and Heavenly Hobbes. Now available on DVD and video!_

_Calvin: I'm great because I'm Calvin!_

_**Featured Episodes:**__ BIRTH OF A FRIENDSHIP, WORLD'S GREATEST CALVIN, CALVIN GETS PROFESSIONAL HELP, THE MIGHTY SCHOOL ESCAPE, & THE BLACK TURNING FUNNEL_

_Shot of Calvin and Hobbes standing in his bedroom._

_**Calvin (singing):**__ On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, 12 snowballs whacking! 11 water balloons splashing! 10 bowls of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs! 9 driving lessons! 8 Televisions. 7 bunny slippers. 6 cats of pranking! FIVE BILLION PRESENTS! 4 internet modems. 3 Time Pausers. 2 flamethrowers! AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE!_

_Jazzy music plays._

_**Narrator:**__ Calvin and Hobbes are back in an all new DVD._

_Calvin wears a hat decorated with the American flag, an Uncle Sam beard, and dances across Mom and Dad's bed while singing The Star Sprinkled Banner._

_**Calvin:**__ TODAY'S THE FOURTH OF JULY!_

_**Narrator:**__ Now we get to join them for the holidays._

_**Socrates:**__ Man, Halloween is my favorite time of year! All these little kids to scare out of their limited wits!_

_Shot of Calvin and Hobbes watching the ghosts in the basement._

_Shot of Calvin and Hobbes flying Santa's sleigh._

_Shot of Calvin and Hobbes holding their fireworks._

_Shot of Calvin and Hobbes building snowmen._

_**Narrator:**__ They'll celebrate Christmas._

_**Calvin:**__ Either get in the box or stay here. I'm going to the North Pole!_

_**Hobbes:**__ I'll stay here._

_**Narrator:**__ They'll celebrate Halloween._

_Calvin grabs the phone._

_**Hobbes:**__ You gonna call?_

_**Calvin:**__ GHOST BUSTERS!_

_**Hobbes:**__ YOU FOOL! IT'S THEIR BUSIEST NIGHT!_

_**Narrator:**__ They'll celebrate Independence Day._

_**Calvin:**__ Dad, as of now, has deprived us of Independence Day!_

_**Hobbes (writing):**__ Doesn't give us fireworks. Many mutters of agreement._

_**Narrator:**__ And they'll also celebrate Easter!_

_**Calvin:**__ That was the best Easter Egg hunt ever, Hobbes!_

_**Narrator:**__ That's right. Never before seen on TV, it's the Eggs for Calvin special._

_**Calvin:**__ I seek a critter known as Peter Cocoa Tail. Ever heard of him?_

_**Narrator:**__Calvin & Hobbes the Series: Hall-Indep-East-Mas Day. Now available on DVD and video!_

_**Calvin:**__ God Bless America!_

_**Featured Episodes:**__ A CALVIN AND HOBBES CHRISTMAS, FULL MOON OF BOLONEY, NAUGHTY FIREWORKS, & EGGS FOR CALVIN_

* * *

**Episode trailers**

_Narrator: One boy..._

_(Shows Calvin running through the yard)_

_Narrator: One tiger..._

_(Shows Hobbes pouncing Calvin)_

_Narrator:... ONE DISASTER AFTER ANOTHER!_

_(Fast jazzy music starts)_

_Calvin and Hobbes (going down Sneer Hill in the wagon): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!_

_Narrator: Based on Bill Watterson's masterpiece newspaper comic...!_

_Calvin: COOL!_

_(Shows Calvin and Hobbes blasting Susie with a water balloon._

_Shows Calvin running through the woods wearing a mask, and holding a volleyball._

_Shows Hobbes pouncing Calvin as he enters the front door._

_Shows Calvin and Hobbes fighting on the floor._

_Shows Socrates arguing with Sherman, while Calvin, Hobbes, and Andy watch.)_

_(There's a crash of cymbals, and the title comes up in big red words in Calvin and Hobbes font)_

_Narrator: CALVIN AND HOBBES: THE SERIES. A brand new nicktoon on Nickelodeon. TIME FOR SOME FUN!_

_(Nickelodeon logo pops up)_

**The Night of the Living Television**

_Narrator: On the next, all new, Calvin and Hobbes..._

_(Shows Calvin unplugging TV, shows TV coming on anyway)_

_Narrator: Calvin's got some electric problems._

_Calvin: The TV! It's ALIVE!_

_Hobbes: Of course it is, Calvin, is this a Stupendous Man, Spaceman Spiff, or Tracer Bullet thing?_

_Narrator: And this time, the electrician won't do any good._

_Demented TV (lifting several mechanical things off the ground): AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!_

_Calvin and Hobbes (all tangled up in phone wires): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!_

_Shows electricity shooting at Calvin through the power box._

_Calvin: YEEEEK!_

_TV (turning a sharp glare on Hobbes): Nobody can stop me!_

_Hobbes (leaping from the way as a blast of electricity goes past): AAAAA!_

_Narrator: It''s an all new Calvin and Hobbes. Friday at seven._

_Nickelodeon logo pops up._

_Narrator: Only on Nick._

**The Case of the Rouge Water Balloon**

_Narrator: Coming up on the next all-new Calvin & Hobbes……_

_SPLOOSH!_

_Susie: AAAAA CALVIN! I'M TELLING!_

_Calvin: HUH!_

_Narrator: Susie's been soaked!_

_Calvin stares at the water balloon in his hand._

_Narrator: But Calvin didn't do it!_

_Calvin: I DEMAND A LAWYER! I DEMAND A PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH! I DEMAND JUDGE JUDY!_

_Pictures of Hobbes, Socrates, Andy, Sherman, Mom, Dad, Rosalyn, Moe, Dr Brainstorm, Jack and Miss Wormwood appear on the screen with question marks in front of them._

_Narrator: So who did!_

_Calvin: We're opening up a full scale investigation!_

_Narrator: Can Tracer Bullet and Tiger Eye solve this crime? Find out in the season finale of Calvin & Hobbes: the Series! This Tuesday in Nick's Investigative Series at eight, seven central._

_Calvin: Are you ready for action?_

_Hobbes: No._

_Calvin: What!_

_Hobbes: Oh joy. Wonder. Uncontrollable excitement._

**The Yellowstone Monster**

_Narrator: Don't miss brand new, action packed episode of Calvin and Hobbes_

_Dr Brainstorm: You're in my secret lair. And I am __**DOCTOR BRAINSTORM!**__ AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA_

_(Calvin and Hobbes exchange glances)_

_Narrator: Calvin and Hobbes are taking a trip to Yellowstone, itself!_

_Calvin: HOBBES! WE NEED TO STOP YELLOWSTONE FROM ERUPTING!_

_Hobbes: Did you just say what I thought you just said?_

_Calvin: Yes, I did say what you thought I just said! We're going to disable the super volcano under Yellowstone National Park!_

_Narrator: But bad guy has other ideas..._

_Dr Brainstorm: I'll steal all his inventions, and make the volcano under the park erupt!_

_Jack: Whatever you say, Frank._

_Dr Brainstorm: __**DOCTOR BRAINSTORM!**_

_Narrator: Can Calvin and Hobbes save the day before Dr Brainstorm destroys it?_

_Shot of the super volcano sending ash and lava flying straight into the sky_

_Calvin and Hobbes: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGUH!_

_Narrator: Find out in a brand new Calvin and Hobbes. Friday at seven. Only on Nick._

* * *

**Season Two Preview**

_Narrator: Coming soon to Nickelodeon……_

_Calvin and Hobbes fly through the air in the Time Machine with a Pterodactyl chasing them._

_Narrator: ……everyone's favorite boy and tiger are back in an all-new season!_

_Socrates: Oh goody._

_Narrator: A season of excitement!_

_A deranged monkey runs around Hobbes._

_Hobbes: Help. Cry for help._

_Narrator: A season of adventure!_

_A mountain lion chases Socrates up a tree._

_Socrates: REMEMBER THAT PLACE IN TEXAS!_

_Narrator: A season of danger!_

_Hobbes and Andy are jumping in front of Dr Brainstorm._

_Dr Brainstorm: OUT OF MY WAY!_

_Andy: Make us._

_Narrator: A season of……product placement?_

_Hobbes: Who's up for the __What About Bob?__ movie!_

_Calvin & Socrates: I AM!_

_Shot of Calvin, Hobbes and Andy outside an old western jail house._

_Shot of Hobbes rocking Calvin in a rocking bed._

_Shot of Socrates in a cell talking to Jack._

_Shot of Calvin shooting the Mega-Shrinker 5000._

_Shot of Sherman stepping out of the Transmogrifier._

_The words CALVIN & HOBBES pop up on the screen._

_Narrator: Catch an all new season of Calvin & Hobbes: the Series this summer on Nick._

_Shot of Calvin, Hobbes, Andy and Socrates playing Calvinball._

_Shot of Socrates in transmission mode with Calvin and Hobbes watching._

_Shot of Sherman cowering in a corner._

_Shot of Calvin and Hobbes taking a bow._

* * *

**Please now refer to CALVIN AND HOBBES: THE SERIES (SEASON TWO) to see the next TV movie, TIME TERROR.**

**Thank you for reading Season one.**


End file.
